Scream in the Dark

I closed my eyes tight, reality blaring in on my sleep. I looked over to my left; Tony was curled up in a ball, his face scrunched. I smiled, looking to my left; Vic was spread out, drool running out of his mouth.

A pain- hollow and cold- reverberated through my chest. I squeezed my eyes shut again, praying it would go away.

It wasn't going anywhere, I realized. Today was M-his funeral. How was I supposed to say goodbye when I was still in chock? Still in denial?

Of course he wasn't gone, he’s be over to see Leia in a few hours. We’d go out for coffee, maybe take her to the park. Tears trailed down my face because that would never happen again. He wasn't ever coming over for coffee, or even just to say hi.

Vic pulled me to him. He must've woken up while I was lost in thought. “Hey,” He whispered, stroking my hair, “ You've got to be strong today.”

I realized he was crying, too, “How am I supposed to be strong when my rock’s gone?” I asked.

He pointed over at Tony, “For him? For Leia? You have a lot of reasons to be strong..” His voice cracked.

I was so lost in self pity I didn't even think about how he must be taking this. I pulled him tighter to me, “It’s okay. There’s nothing to tempt him anymore.” I whispered, letting him cry into my shirt.

“I just.. It’s not fair..” He whispered.

“I know, babe,” Tears spilled over again, “I know.”

~*~

We pulled into the parking lot. My nerves were shot; I couldn't feel the pain anymore.

“Ready?” Tony asked, squeezing my hand.

I shook my head, “Is anyone ever ready for something like this?” I asked. I still couldn't believe he was gone.

He smiled tightly, wiping a tear off his cheek.

We got out, meeting up with Jaime, Arietta, and Vic. Arietta’s big, green eyes matched Jaime’s, all red and swollen, “Oh, Lise!” She said, throwing her arms around my neck, “I’m so sorry.” She whispered, crying. She pulled Tony in for a hug as well.

I nodded, a lump forming in my throat. Tony put an arm around my waist, pulling me to him. I looked up at him, wanting to pull away. He needed me, though, and I could see the fear and pain in his eyes. I rested my head on his shoulder, trying not to cry, “So, when does this thing start?” I asked.

Vic looked up, hurt displayed across his features, “Now.” He said, leading us to the crowd of people surrounding the grave site. I could feel the lump in my throat growing.

Mr. and Mrs. Fuentes were there. They looked terrible. I motioned to Tony that I was going to go talk to them, and he nodded.

“Hola,” I said weakly, approaching Mike’s parents.

Mrs. Fuentes pulled me into her, her small frame shaking with sobs, “Gracias por venir, Lise. Significa mucho para mí.”

I nodded, the lump in my throat growing still, “Todavía no puedo creerlo.” I whispered.

She laughed out another sob, “Es como Mikey. Parte hasta que muera, ¿verdad?”

I felt tears form at the mention of his name. Smiling, I nodded again, “Exactamente lo que él decía.”

Mr. Fuentes pulled me in for a hug, “¿Cómo está Leia?”

I smiled, “Bien. Ella está con la madre de Tony. No lo hice..” My voice broke and I started crying. Mike would never get to see her take her first steps, say her first words..

They both wrapped their arms arounf me, crying, “Basta con echar un paso a la vez.” Mr. Fuentes said, rubbing my back.

“Debo.. Tony me necesita.” I said, pulling away and trying to compose myself.

She nodded, “Llámame si necesitas algo,” She said, grabbing my wrist, “Lo digo en serio. Incluso si es sólo para pedirnos que ver Lee.”

I smiled, wiping away the rest of my tears, “Gracias.”

I found my way back to Tony, “Are you going to speak?” I asked.

He shook his head, “Vic asked me if I’d ask you if you’d speak, though. You know, tell your guys’ story.”

I nodded, “I think.. yeah. I think I can.”

He kissed my hands, staring into my eyes, “You’re the strongest person I know."

~*~

"He.. I've known Michael since I was in 10th grade." I cleared my throat, "I transferred here from Colorado. Being a new kid was terrifying." My eyes began to water. "He took me in, befriended the freaky new girl," I laughed, so did some other people, "I loved him. When I moved back to Colorado, I guess that's when he started drinking."

"But when I came back and saw him, he didn't look like he had a problem. Though, he wasn't one to share his burdens.

"Mike and I went through hell and back. I loved him to death, and I'll continue to love him forever. As you all know, we had a daughter. It hurts to think that she won't get to know her father. That she won't get to see how big of a heart he had, how selfless he was capable of being. It hurts to think he won't be able to see her grow up; to be there when she loses her first tooth, or to walk her down the aisle at her wedding.

"We've all made mistakes in out lives, but let's learn something from this: fuck regret. Forget it. You don't need that. Mikey lived by that," I laughed, "Until the day he died. He didn't regret a single damn thing." The knot in my throat tightened and I couldn't say anymore. I smiled out at everyone, tears flowing down my cheeks. I went back to find my seat next to Tony.

Vic stood up and wrapped his arms around me, kissing the tears off my cheeks, "Thanks."

I nodded, pulling away to sit down. All I needed right then was Tony.

"That was.." Tony trailed off, kissing me, "You're-"

I cut him off, "C-can we leave?" I asked tiredly.

His face contorted in confusion, "Why?"

I sighed shakily, "I can't.. I can't be here."

He nodded, wrapping an arm around my shoulders, "Of course."

~*~

"I get it, you need to grieve, but is this really the way you want to go about doing it?" He asked.

I kissed his jaw, "Yes."

He sighed, pushing me off of him, "Lise, we just got home from my best friend's- your ex's- funeral. I'm not really in the mood."

I closed my eyes; the burst of excitement was gone, replaced by hollow pain, "Oh."

He looked over at me, "Not that I don't love you or w-"

I cut him off, getting up to make a cup of tea.

He followed me to the kitchen, a frown on his face, "I'd.. I'd trade him places. To make you happy."

I turned around slowly, "What?"

He shrugged, tears rolling down his cheeks, "I'd trade him places. His life was more valuable than mine. You love him, I want you to be happy. He had a kid.."

I put my hand over his mouth, anger radiating through my exhausted body, "Cesar Antonio Soto Perry, do NOT talk like that. Do you understand me?!" I asked, my voice shaking.

He nodded, eyes wide.

I took my hand from his mouth, "Good. I NEVER want to hear you say anything like that again. You aren't Mike, you never will be! But that doesn't mean your life isn't worth just as much as his was." I didn't realize I was crying until a sob escaped my mouth. I crumpled into him, crying harder than I had at the hospital, "Don't think like that. Please, Tony. I don't know.. I don't know what I'd do without you."

He held me tight, rocking back and forth. "I'm sorry." Was all he said.

I stepped back, still crying hard, "I can't imagine my life without you in it anymore."

He looked away, "Why didn't you choose Mike?"

"Because." I said, turning his head towards me so I could look into his eyes, "Yes, I love him. I always have and probably always will, but I'm not in love with him. I don't want to go to bed next to him, wake up to his smile. I don't want to go grocery shopping with him. I don't want to hold his hand, laughing because of god knows what. I don't want to marry him and start a family. I wasn't to do all that with you." I said, "Not that it would matter now if I wanted that with him.."

He pulled me aback to him, snuggling into my hair, "I want all that too, more that you can imagine."

I smiled up at him, trying to feel hope through the pain, "Can you promise me something?"

He nodded, wiping a stray tear off my cheek, "What?"

"I need you to promise me that if anything happens to me.. I need you to take care of Leia."

He kissed the top of my head, "I promise."