You can't cure me (REWRITING)

I eye Jake in anticipation and wait for him to say whatever he has been meaning to tell me. He sighs deeply.
"I'm leaving in a matter of days", he blurts out.
I slump back into the back of the couch. I did not expect that news at all. I knew I shouldn't have gotten so keen on him, that he'd got bored of me eventually.
Well, at least he has the decency of warning me, unlike my other former friends who've just walked out of my life gradually. I thought back to how no one ever seemed to have time to meet, how nobody ever called me anymore. Come to think of it, I should've noticed it when nobody came to visit me when I was recovering in hospital, how everyone was too busy living their life all of a sudden. I should've realized it, but I had been too busy hating and blaming myself for all that happened to me and to my parents.
I, also, should've known Jake would leave me eventually. No one ever stayed. Everyone hated being around me and in all honesty, I couldn't blame them. I wouldn't want to be around me either if I were in their place. Who would like hanging out with this kind of monster that I am. No one. Exactly who I am. No one. I'm no one special and everybody knew that after spending some time with me. If they even gave me the benefit of the doubt and got to know me, people would still end up departing from my life. No one wanted to have to deal with me, and I couldn't even blame anyone except for myself.
"Oh", is all I manage to say, my voice clear from all emotion. I look down at my hands which formed a new point of interest all of a sudden. I feel and hear Jake move on the couch and then see his legs come into my eye sight. The next thing I know I feel how Jake places two fingers underneath my chin and lifts it up. I stare into those brown eyes of his for a few seconds before looking away from him. I can't bare looking at him, knowing he's about to depart from my life.
"Lisa, you got me all wrong", Jake whispers, "I know you're thinking I'm leaving for good..." I can't blame you for not wanting to have to deal with me. Nobody wants, so why would you? But can you really blame me for not wanting you to go just yet? Do you have any idea how it feels to watch everyone go out of your life? Time after time. "...I'm only going to be gone for two months tops, Lisa. My band's got a tour coming up next week." Wait, what? A tour? Oh yeah, I forgot. He's in a famous band. He's a adored by hundreds of fans. And so were Andy, Ashley, CC and Jinxx. They've been so kind and sweet to me, I completely forgot about their rock star life. It was so easy to look past it. But at least now I understand why he's leaving. At least he has a reason to. The others didn't. They just went, not bothering to explain.

"Lisa, would you please look at me", Jake begs. It takes a fair amount of my willpower to turn my head to face him and when I do, I was surprised by how close Jake's face is to mine. My eyes involuntarily flash to his mouth, but only for a second. Hoping Jake didn't see I look at him. There is confusion visible in his dark eyes, and I just know he noticed. Just my luck. He starts talking again.
"I'm not leaving you forever, Lisa. I promise I will be back after this tour is over. It's just an US tour so I will keep in touch with you if it reassures you. I wish you could join me, but you can't. The guys and I have this rule that no friends are allowed to come on tour or even come backstage with us. Only girlfriends are allowed. I wish I could change it, but we've agreed to this rule long time ago and there's nothing I can do to change it", Jake explains, not averting his gaze. There is something you can do. Ask me to be your girlfriend so I can come. Wait, did I seriously just think that. Jake and I are just friends, right? Then why am I thinking about wanting him to ask me out? Am I really that fucked up? Am I really that much of an egocentric human being, to want to be his girlfriend so I can go on tour with him and be completely sure he wouldn't just walk away from me, out of my life? Yes. Yes, I am. No doubt about it. Jake and I are just friends and that's final.
"Jake", I finally say, "it's fine. I understand you've got obligations towards your fans and even your band. I'll be honest with you, though. I hate it that you've got to leave. I thought you were just walking out of my life, like everyone before you did. But that's just because I forgot what you do for a living. I understand. I guess I'll always be afraid you'll leave me for good when you go on tour. I guess the fear everyone's going to leave me eventually will stay forever", I sigh.
"I promise you, I will stay", Jake replies without even thinking. It brings a smile onto my face.
"I'd love for us to keep in touch, though, when you're out there playing your heart out. But can we please drop this subject? Not trying to be rude or anything, but I'm feeling pretty exhausted and I'd like to go to bed to be honest." I feel like I am trying to get rid off him. Like I am pointing him the door.
"Sorry, that was rude of me," I apologise.
"Don't worry about it, I know how you're feeling. I'm pretty tired myself", Jake smiles that adorable smile of his. What? What's wrong with me. Why am I thinking about him this way. He's just a friend, Lisa. Nothing more, nothing less. Just friends.
I can't help it but smile back at him. "I really had a great evening. Thanks again for taking me out to that show", I thank Jake.
"You're welcome. I'm glad you liked My Satellite", he replies.
"Actually, how did you guess I'd like them?" I wonder.
"Well, remember that second day at the park we met?" Jake asks. I nod, smiling slightly at the memory of how I had been jokingly hating on his band and he thought I was being serious so he got all defensive. It was heartwarming to see him standing up for his band. It shows it's something he truly believes in.
"That day you said you didn't like the heavier stuff and then when you met Juliet and told everyone at the table how much you loved her music, I figured you'd like My Satellite. So last night, after I left here, I drove to Jinxx and Sammi's house to ask Sammi if it were possible to put you on the guest list. I can't say I wasn't relieved when you said you liked the band", Jake explains. I don't know what came over me but I suddenly feel myself wrap my arms around him to give him a hug.
"Thank you, Jake."
"What for?"
"For being such a good friend. For being the best friend I've had in years", I chuckle. We pull away and he looks at me.
"You deserve a friend after all you've been through", he whispers.
"Yeah, don't remind me." The small smile on my face vanishes.
"Sorry", he says.
"It's okay", I ensure him. Then a silence falls.
"I better get going so you can get some sleep", Jake breaks the silence. I nod and walk him to the door.
"Thanks again for this lovely night out," I hug Jake one last time and open the door.
"You're welcome", Jake simply says and walks off to his car. When he's in his car, I shut the door and lock it. I lean against it, a smile forming on my lips. I stood up and for the first time in a long time, I went to back feeling content.

Even my dreams are pleasant that night. I never wake up when, usually, I'd wake up twice every night. At least. Panting and sweating, trying to get rid of the memories about the bad dreams I had just a minute earlier. It's the same dream over and over again. Although it's a reappearing phenomenon it never ceases to make me upset. Probably because it is more of a memory of that one night that changed my life for the worst than an actual dream. But this night I slept like a baby.

I'm lying in my bed, too comfortable to get up. Instead I'm just staring at the ceiling, reminiscencing the great time I had last night enjoying the tunes of Sammi's band. It was the most fun I had in quite a long time. My lips curl into a smile when I think back on all the pranks CC pulled on his band mates. That boy sure was something. I don't think there's ever one dull moment when the boys are on tour with him being there.
The thought about touring is enough to ruin the good mood I found myself to be in just a moment ago.
Jake was going on a tour in a matter of days and as much as I don't want to admit it to myself, I'm scared to death he'd stay away, that he would leave and never come back. It hurts me to think of that possibility. I know he promised he'd keep in touch with me for the time he was travelling the country, making the fans happy just by playing on stage in front of them, by simply having a brief chat with them or by posing for a picture and signing stuff his band's fans brought with them.
And even though I know Jake wouldn't break that promise, I simply can't shake off the feeling of being afraid of losing him. But why? Why am I so scared? He'd only be just another friend not wanting me in their life, wouldn't he? One of the many? I learned to live with that. It had cost me a lot of time, but I gave it a place eventually. So what's so different about Jake that makes me feel as if I wouldn't be able to live with the fact he was no longer a part of my life? Is it possible that he's more than just a friend to me? That I liked him and maybe was able to love him after a while? No, that can't be. I don't feel butterflies in my stomach every time I'm with him, or see him, or touch him or even hear his voice. Something that people who are in love do experience. I may not have ever had a boyfriend and couldn't really tell what it feels like to be in love, but I heard and read a lot about it and from that I know it's not possible I like Jake more than a friend.

So why am I dreading the moment he's got to leave for tour so much? It doesn't make sense to me. At all.