To Set You Free

I am perched on the counter top as Annie browns the meat for tacos. I hear the small television in the kids room flip through the channels and finally stay at one of Kinleigh's favorite shows. I took this time to vent all of my frustrations while my children weren't in ear shot.

"Can you believe him? What is Tommy thinking? Like I always had a hunch that he didn't have a brain, but now I know!" I roll my eyes. I sense Annie smile. "I watched him propose to that bitch then as soon as she leaves to play some money loving whore in another dick-flick movie, he wants to talk to me. No, sorry buddy not going to happen."

Annie switches the burner off then faces me. She folds her lanky arms over her chest and lets me continue to rant.

"You don't know how hard it was for me to let him leave. For me to raise his kids by myself. When Kinleigh or even Wyatt asks why they don't have a daddy or why I'm not married, I don't know what to day. What do you say to them? 'Oh sorry kids, I got knocked up at the end of my senior year while your dad went to go be a rock star and bang other bitches. But I had to stay here because his mother is psycho.'"

I start to pick at an imaginary spot on the counter top. "I don't want to allow myself to feel for him again. I know that if I let my guard down I'll just get hurt again. I have Wyatt and Kinleigh to think about. It's not just my feelings, but my kids as well."

Annie nodded as if she knew where I was coming from but the look on her face made it seem like she thought I was pathetic.

"What?" I asked almost rudely.

"I think that you like that he is pursuing you."

"What? How could you think that?"

"If you didn't you would have already made it clear to him that you weren't interested. You let him take you out, you brought him back here, you let him meet his kids. Maybe consciously you don't want him but your subconscious is doing everything to make him yours, when he's not."

I take Annie's wise words and allow them to work into my head. She is way smarter than I was in high school. "What do I do?"

"You have to make a choice. Either tell him how you feel, that he has Quinn and you have a family to think about and you can't risk anything. Or you tell him how you really feel."

"How do I really feel?"

"I think you already know the answer to that question."

I feel tears well up in my eyes. I see Annie dig into her pocket and pull out her keys. "You'll be late if you don't leave now," she says while handing me them.

I take a second to gather my thoughts before I hope off the counter and pull her into a tight hug. "You've really been like a sister to me through the years. Thanks," I whisper in her ear, barely audible for anyone to hear.

"The choice is yours. You just have to be prepared for the consequences for the one you choose."

"Kids," I yell after I pull away from Annie. "Come give me a hug."

The pitter patter of four little feet fill the heavy silence. I bend down and scoop both of them into my arms spreading kisses over their little faces. "I won't be home to tuck you in so be good. I love you."

I set them down, allowing them to return to what they were doing before.

*

I hold my breath each time the little bell above the door to the bar dings. My whole body goes weak as I watch each person walk through the threshold. I am thankful that my dress is black because I am sweating buckets. My heart feels like it is visibly pounding out of my chest. I try to control it with slow and deep breathing but my panic feeling continues to grow.

"Eric, I have to go on break."

"Sure, you okay?"

"I'm too young to have a heart attack right?"

"Yeah probably. Just go step outside, I'll cover you."

I don't bother thanking him, instead I make a beeline for the back door. The cool Carolina breeze is welcoming to my sticky skin as is sweeps over my body leaving goose bumps in its wake. I take an empty crate slide it up against the brick wall and let my body fall onto my makeshift chair.

I calm myself by breathing deeply in through my noise and out through my mouth. I feel my body become lighter as I take control of it again.

I am unaware that the door to the bar has opened and closed until the person speaks.

"At first I thought you called off, but Eric said you went outside to get some air. You feeling okay?"

I glare up at Tommy. There are so many things that I want to say to him, so many feelings that I need to just get out. "I'm fine," I manage to say weakly after I stand.

Tommy looks down at me, even in high heels he still towers over me, and he knows that I am lying. He doesn't question me, though. Instead he wraps me tightly against his body. Oh how I've missed this spot over the years. I reach to curl my arms around Tommy's neck and allow myself to sink further into him. Emotions bring to the past, to a time where I wasn't fucked up and he still loved me.

I feel tears seep out of my eyes and down my cheeks. I am a ball of ridiculous girly hormones and cannot contain my feelings.

"Hey why are you crying?" Tommy pulls away to look down at me. He wipes away the trail of tears from my cheeks with his thumbs.

"You, you fucking idiot," I slap his chest in attempts to break from his grasp but it's no use. Tommy holds me tighter, showing no signs of letting go.

"What did I do?"

"You're really asking that question? You can't possibly be that dull," I look Tommy in the eyes. He is still waiting for me to spill my entire guts out to him. This was it, it was time for me to decide.

Did I want to exile Tommy permanently, make him understand that he isn't welcome in my life, that I didn't want to see his beautiful face ever again? Or did I want to take the chance in letting him back in knowing that he could find out about Wyatt and Kinleigh or he could drop me again. He could leave me scattered in pieces while he goes back to his life on the west coast with Quinn. I shudder at the thought.

"Tommy you can't just come back here and talk to me, kiss me, hold me like we don't have a dangerous past. Like you don't have another life, with another girl who I watched you propose to. I have a family now. A family that needs me sane and able to function. I can't do that around you, not like this."

I push Tommy away from me and this time he lets go. His arms fall heavily by his sides as he took in every word that I just said.

"My world revolved around you Tommy. You held my very damaged, very broken heart in your hands. I only felt right when I was with you. Then you left. It was so sudden and unexpected. One minute you were mine, my little secret that I didn't share with anybody else and then you are on billboards, magazines, your voice is on the radio. I was so happy for you because you finally got what you deserved but then again I was also so mad, because seeing you like that meant that you were no longer mine, I had to share you. I don't want to have to go through that all over again. It was too hard."

Tears flow freely now, leaving ugly black streaks of make up in their path. I silently pleaded for Tommy to say something, for him to do something.

Tommy just stands there, looking at me with a blank expression.

"Dammit Thomas," I shout, stomping my foot in a girly fashion. "Say something," I plead.

"What do you want me to say? I didn't expect you to be here. Lately I can't have a single thought without your name or your face or the way you smell and feel becoming the main factor. You're like a disease that I can't fucking get rid of. The majority of me wants to say fuck you and fly back to California and live a normal and happy life with Quinn, who I love."

I felt like a child the way Tommy towered over me. His face seemed to be filled with hate, it frightened me.

"But you want to know what the worst part of this whole fucked up mess is?" I shake my head no. I don't want to know. "I don't want you out of my head. I want to stay infected with you. All I've wanted to do since I saw you is hold you and kiss you over and over again."

"Tommy-" but I am cut off once Tommy lunged towards me, taking my face in between his hands and kissing my roughly.

I felt my heart begin to race again. Not like it had moments before, but this was an excited, unexpected beat. The butterflies forming in my stomach threatened to rise as my lips worked in sync with Tommy's hungrily.

We are all touching and kissing. Sloppy, fast, wanting, greedy and filled with lust. I run my fingers through Tommy's mess of hair and pull hard making a loud groan escape from the back of his throat.

Tommy's hands are on my bare thighs, working their way north, slowly dragging the flimsy material of my dress with them. Suddenly, I am pushed up against the brick wall and Tommy hitches my legs up and around his waist. His hands then find their way to my behind, he grips firmly to hold me in place.

Tommy drags his lips away from mine only to leave a blazing trail of kisses along my jaw. I arch my back and cock my head to the side, pressing onto him, allowing him full access to my neck. Tommy scrapes his teeth against my tingly flesh. I let out a soft moan as his bites down softly, making me melt in pure ecstasy.

Tommy nuzzles into my neck before bringing his face back to mine. He places with forehead against mine and lets out a giant breath. We're quiet until our bodies return from their sexual state.

"God, I would do anything to finish this," Tommy lets out a small chuckle.

"Best if we didn't. We already have so much shit to figure out, sex should be the last thing either of us think of."

"It's hard not to think about that when I'm around you," Tommy smiles infectiously.

I uncoil my legs from around Tommy and place my feet back onto the ground. I am more confused than ever but it doesn't seem to matter, I can't stop smiling.

"We should go away," Tommy says suddenly.

"What?"

"Let's get out of town."

"Tommy, I have my kids."

"They can come too. We can go to Florida where it's warm and hit the beach. Have Wyatt and Kinleigh ever been?"

"No, but Tommy I have work they have school. You have Quinn," I trail off not wanting to bring her up.

"It doesn't matter. I just want one weekend with you, no fucked up past that we have to worry about. It'll be just the four of us. A quiet, relaxing weekend," I stare up at him in disbelief. The four of us, like a family. "Just think about it okay?"

"Fine. We can go. But one question. What do we tell your mom?"