Best Friend's

My best friend was right by my side but still I felt alone. Grief had overcome me only twelve hours ago and it still feels like it’s not over. I could burst into tears any second, but I couldn’t break down in front of him. I’m not a crier but when I do cry I’m not ashamed of it. Jake has seen me cry before but this time it felt different. Not only do I have to be strong for my family but I have to be strong for him. He was just close to my twin as I was. We were all inseparable; the three of us would do everything together. Hell even growing up we took showers together. It’s not like we had a thing for each other or anything. Well okay maybe I didn’t have a thing for my brother Nate, but Jake was another story. Nate knew how I felt about our best friend and he tried to get us together but Jake was just so thick headed the message never went through, until two nights ago.

Jake and I had been wrestling around trying to gross each other out. He had given me a wet wily so I in turn tried to pin him down which wasn’t all that hard because he’s smaller than me. Neither of us is really made of muscle but we do visit the gym every two days to stay in shape. I finally got him down on the floor but since my hands were occupied I had to improvise, so instead of doing what he had done to me I licked up the side of his face. My brother was in the background laughing his ass off; I climbed off of Jake and plopped down on my beanbag. Jake just lay on the floor with a look of horror on his face; he quickly wiped my spit away and sat up.

“I’m going to get you for that.” Jake grinned from ear to ear his attention snapped to my brother. Nate stopped laughing immediately when Jake stood and advanced on him. “But first, I will deal with you for not helping me.”

Nate took off faster than I had ever seen him run, his face showed pure horror as our best friend chased him down. I heard screaming through the house a few times, luckily mom and dad were both a work or we would have got a good ass reaming. When I finally stood up and tried to exit the room Jake pushed me back inside in his haste to get away from Nate. He slammed the bedroom door shut, leaning against it. There wasn’t a lock so he had to lean on it to keep my brother out. It wasn’t working all that well so Jake motioned for me to come closer and help but before I could get there Nate burst through the door. Jake took a few good steps back and I realized he was holding something, Nate’s phone.

“Jake, give it back.” Nate tried to make a grab for it but Jake used me as a human shield. Nate got his fingers on it finally but Jake was able to move his hand away so quick that he couldn’t grasp it. In the next second I felt my sleeping pants being pulled open and something hit my dick making me cringe, then a thump was heard.

“Aren’t you wearing boxers?” Jake asked when he realized what that sound was, both of them dove for my feet.

“No actually I’m not. I don’t ever wear boxers to bed. The only reason I even have anything on right now is for you guys’ sake” I stated probably not even being heard. Nate had his legs wrapped around Jake’s middle. Our friends back was to my brother’s chest pressing him into the hard wood floor. I shook my head and made my way towards Jake’s bag, digging around for a minute until I found what I was looking for. I made my way to them and ripped the phone out of both of their grasps. I held up both Jake and Nate’s phones to show them I had them. They went wide eyed and scrambled to untangle themselves; I used that time to run to the bathroom. The only door’s in our house that lock are my parent’s bedroom, bathrooms and obviously the entrances to the house.

They banged on the door for nearly an hour trying to get me while I did nothing but sit on the toilette and look through their photos and texts.

Bella- I had fun last night we should go on another date Saturday night.
Jake- I’m sorry Bella I can’t I promised my friend’s I would be at their house.
Jake to Austin- I need to get away this weekend can I crash at your house?
Austin - Sure you know my parents are okay with it, something wrong?
Jake- I just need to spend some time with my friends.

I shook my head remembering exactly when Jake had sent me that text. Were we his get away plan or something? No if that were true he could have just said it and hid at home all weekend. Oh well. I tossed Jakes phone onto the counter and went through Nate’s.

Ryan- I need to see you tonight.
Nate- I can’t sneak out Jake is staying over and he would know I left.
Ryan- How?
Nate- He sleeps in my room when he’s over because I have a couch.
Ryan- Can’t you con him into staying with your brother?
Nate- No babe I can’t. They would know something was up the second I asked.
Ryan- Fuck.
Nate- I know, tomorrow night?
Ryan- Yeah, I’ll see you at school.
Nate- Are you mad?
Ryan- No! I just wish you were out to your family.
Nate- My dad would kill me Ry you know how mean he gets about this topic.
Ryan- Yeah I know but I really wish I could actually be in public with you.
Nate- We go out in public sometimes.
Ryan- Yeah dark movie theaters don’t count. I mean a real date between us.
Nate- I know the feeling we’ve been together for six months tomorrow.
Ryan- It’s crazy isn’t it?
Nate- Yeah. I never thought we would last this long babe.
Ryan- I know. If you change your mind I will be home all night. Love you.
Nate- I doubt I will be able to get out but if I can I’ll be there, don’t wait up. Love u too.

Ryan. The fucking quarterback of our high school football team! Ryan Davies! One of the hottest boys in our school is dating my brother! My eyes went wide. I growled, stood from the toilette and grabbed the phones. I swung the door open and shot my brother the nastiest glare I could muster. The face he was giving me mimicked a fish out of water, he knew I knew and I was pissed. Though I don’t think he knew why. I literally tossed his phone down the hall. “Don’t talk to me; don’t even come around me you hypocritical shit head.”

Walking by Jake I damn near slammed his phone into his chest. I turned around the last second before walling into my bedroom. “Oh and Jake it’s oh so nice that you’re only here right now to duck out on some chick. By the way his couch is off limits tonight, don’t ask why.”

I undressed for bed and shut off my light. I grabbed my TV remote and turned on a movie. I decided to watch old Scooby Doo reruns. An hour went by and I was nearly asleep when the TV was shut off and my bed dipped. “Austin? Are you awake?” I groaned and rolled over, ignoring Jake. “Come on I need to talk to you.”

“Can’t it wait; it’s the middle of the night J.” I groaned out and rolled over onto my back.

“No it can’t. I won’t be able to sleep if you are mad at me.” He was shivering; I could feel the bed shaking the second he sat down.

“Come on, I don’t need you dying of hypothermia.” I stated lifting my blanket and letting him under. Jake sighed, snuggled under my blanket. He didn’t say a word in nearly five minutes so I started to drift off to sleep.

“I didn’t text you to get out of a date with her. Well to be honest that was a plus side to asking to come here though. I had plans on popping up and asking to stay the weekend. I was going to text and ask just before she messaged me. I wanted to be here, not with her.” Jake pulled me over for a hug. “But why are you so mad at Nate?”

“I can’t tell you. It’s his business not mine.” I sighed brushing my bushy brown hair out of my eyes.

“Okay I will respect that.” Jake moved around and before I knew it he had me wrapped in a hug. He pulled back quickly. “You sleep naked don’t you?”

“Uh yeah,” His eyes drifted to my chest before coming back up to my face.

“That’s a little creepy.” He joked, his smile causing the corners of his eyes to wrinkle.

“No what was creepy was the feeling of that wet wily you gave me earlier.” I joked back sitting up on my elbows and reaching for my sleep pants.

“That lick felt pretty fucking creepy to me.” I lay back down and turned to face him.

“Oh so feeling this is creepy?” I raised a brown in a teasing manor licked the side of his face again. His eyes widened.

“I don’t know why you don’t find out.” Before I knew what was happening he was on top of me and I was pinned down. He may be a little shorter than me but he can hold his own. The next thing I knew, his tongue had run from my cheek to my temple. Oh man that tongue was like satin on skin. He pulled back looking down at me. “Creepy yet?”

“Not so much.” He wasn’t going to win this game. Before he had time to guess my next move he was on his back, me pinning his arms this time. Struggling he tried to free himself from my grip. He knew what was coming so he kept turning his head to avoid me, it didn’t work to well. Because of him wriggling around so much instead of his cheek my tongue met the left corner of his lips. We froze.

Slowly I leaned forward a bit more now that he wasn’t struggling, I met his gaze. Were we still playing the game or had this become serious? I couldn’t tell but either way I poked my tongue out. Starting at the corner I had licked, I ran my tongue across his top lip and back. I did the same to his bottom lip before sliding my tongue across the seam. I was surprised when his lips opened just slightly and I felt the tip of his tongue on mine.

“Creepy?” I asked when I pulled back to look down at him. I couldn’t help but smile; he looked a bit dazed. I shifted to get a bit more comfortable and that’s when I realized he was half hard against my hip. He didn’t speak to me; instead he just shook his head no.

I leaned back down and traced my tongue across his bottom lip again, but this time I nipped it with my teeth. I knew it hurt the second he groaned and tensed but I didn’t let go instead I used the grip to my advantage and gently sucked the hurt lip between mine, running my tongue over it to soothe the pain. The second it let it go I found myself on my back but this time I was on the floor.

Okay maybe I had gone a bit too far. Jake is strait and I should have known better than to give in. Leaning up my head hurt from hitting the ground, luckily it wasn’t that hard. I looked over the edge of the bed to see Jake sitting up with his legs folded, biting his finger nail. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Standing I took a few steps closer to the door. “I’m going to go get Tylenol, my head hit pretty good.”

I couldn’t look at him. I felt ashamed for what I had done to my best friend, my crush. I practically forced myself on him. I took the two pills with an entire glass of water to calm my nerves. I could feel myself shivering in only my sweat pants so I made my way to the fireplace and flipped the switch on. The fire began immediately lighting the dark room. I sat down on the rug in front of the fireplace and wrapped my arms around my knees. I could feel the tears prickling in my eyes.

I cried myself to sleep. In the morning I woke with a heavy blanket weighing me down and a pillow under my head. My muscles ached from sleeping on the rug all night. Taking in the scene around me I noticed I was covered in the blanket from my bed, the fireplace had been turned off and Jake lay beside me covered in a guest blanket and a couch pillow. He had taken care of me even though I know he hates me.

I leaned up on my elbow and brushed the blond locks out of his eyes. “What did you guys get up to last night?” I nearly jumped out of my skin not knowing someone was watching. My gaze darted to the couch where my brother was munching on a bowl of cereal.

“Nothing.” I mumbled, laying back down and covering my head with the blanket.

“Nothing my ass, you were sleeping on the floor.” He countered with a knowing smirk. “And you can’t even use the excuse that Jake was in your bed and you were afraid of waking up with a hard on and poking him in the ass this time.”

“Oh my god shut up.” I groaned “So not fucking funny.”

“Hey it was your excuse as to why he couldn’t share a bed with you before I got my couch. He had been staying in your room for years until you hit puberty and then you freaked out. I get it you want to sink your dick in it and that could potentially be a problem but couldn’t you just chalk it up to morning wood. Its not like he would know you had a stiffy for him.” I leaned up quickly and chucked my pillow at Nate. It hit him strait on, causing him to spill his dry cereal all over the couch.

“Can you shut the fuck up about it.” I whisper-yelled at my brother. He stood from the couch with a smirk. “And if you want to talk about dicks up the ass, how was last night?”

That shut him up. He opened his mouth and closed it again, repeating the process a few times. “He’s good.” Was the only response I got, Nate put his bowl on the coffee table and sat back down, crunching cereal into the couch. “Please don’t be mad at me.”

“Oh sure Nate of course I wont be mad at you, you only hid your fucking sexuality from me after I had come out to you.” I was pissed; I sat up and folded my legs, looking right at my brother.

“You’re only mad at me because I didn’t tell you? Not because…” His sentence trailed off. He thought I had been mad at him because he was gay; my brother is a dumb ass. I sighed and shook my head at the situation.

“I don’t care who you date, didn’t you think that I would understand? Of all the people you could have told I was the one who would have understood what you were going through. I’ve been there my self. But the difference between you and me, I didn’t have anyone to help me though it, someone who understood that it’s not a choice to be gay. You did and you didn’t even confide in that one person.”

“I’m sorry Austin honestly. It’s just all so new to me and really fucking confusing. I’ve only started questioning this past year. I just needed to come to terms with everything before involving anyone and by that time I was playing football and one thing led to the other and we started dating. I know you have your own problems going on and I didn’t want to add mine to your plate.”

“You are my brother, my twin Nate. Any problem of yours is mine, understand that?” I made my way over to the couch and sat on the opposite side as my brother.

“The same goes to you. So…” Nate’s eyes snapped down to Jake’s sleeping form. “Since we cleared that up, what happened last night.”

My gaze fell to my hands, resting in my lap as I whispered my reply. “Last night we were dicking around grossing each other out and one thing led to another and I kissed him. He shoved me off; I think I still have the bump on my head where it hit the floor. I came out here to think and take something for my headache and just fell asleep.”

“Why did he come out here too? Why didn’t he steal your bed?” It was a good question, one I didn’t have the answer to so I just shrugged. “It hurt huh? Not your head, when he rejected you.”

“You have no fucking clue.” I felt myself sigh and couldn’t help but look over to where Jake was covered head to toe in a deep green blanket.

“You’ve been in love with him for five years Austin. I’m surprised he didn’t figure it out already.” Nate replied quietly so he didn’t wake our guest.

“I didn’t want him too because I knew exactly what would happen, and it did.” Tears formed in my eyes and I felt my nose start to run.

“Aww no, no don’t you start crying.” My brother scooted closer to me crunching more cereal under his bum. I started laughing through my tears.

“You’ve got one hell of a mess to clean up.” I laughed pointing down to the cushion he had just occupied, there were crumbs of different colored cereal all over it.

“Actually you get to clean that mess up. After all you are the one who threw the pillow.” He dodged the pillow I threw at him and I lunged forward tackling him to the ground. My legs wound around his middle, his back was to my chest trying to squish me with is weight so I would let go. I didn’t. A throat cleared from not too far away making both of us still. Our heads snapped towards the noise. Jake was sitting up, rubbing his eyes.

“You two are some of the noisiest fuckers around when a guys trying to sleep.” He stretched his arms above his head; his shirt rode up a bit. My eyes caught the little bit of flesh I could see. When he lowered it back down my gaze snapped to his to see if he knew I was watching. I had been caught. I cleared my throat and tried to hide my blush with my hair. I pushed Nate off of me and stood up, held out a hand to him and helped him as well.

“Uh. I’m going to go make some breakfast since I ruined yours.” I stated looking at my brother and pointing to the couch before hurrying to the kitchen.

While cooking I could hear their soft voices but I couldn’t make out what they were talking about. After maybe ten minutes the vacuum turned on. Nate had to have been cleaning up the mess we left.

Three plates of bacon, eggs, toast and fruit later I called them in for breakfast. I had learned long ago to not cook my parents any food in the mornings, they just rush out of the house like a bat out of hell. But still I cooked enough food. We all sat in a tense silence while eating. No one said a thing accept thank you and you’re welcome. Mom came in when we were half way through. “Breakfast is on the stove if you want it.”

“Oh. No honey I don’t have the time to sit down, I wish I did.” She replied sadly but I knew it was all an act. She hated being home and wasn’t present any time she didn’t have to be. The same goes for my dad. We all wondered for some time why my parents are still married, live and sleep together. They don’t love one another. They haven’t ever since my mom found out my dad has another kid. Apparently they fought about him wanting to take him in and raise him. Mom said no even though child was conceived by accident a year before him and mom even got together. I have a now twenty year old brother. “I have to get to work.”

“It’s Saturday.” I replied using my fork to push around the eggs on my plate.

“Oh, it is. But still, I have work to do some of us can’t sit around all weekend honey.” She put the lid on her coffee cup and headed right for the front door.

“Yeah I get it. You’re not even around long enough to have one meal a week with your family so don’t bullshit me about wanting to be here; especially when we all know you meat up with your friends every morning for breakfast, two hours before you go to work.” She froze at the door with her back to us. “I don’t even see why you come home anymore. It’s not like you want to be here.”

I didn’t get a reply. My mother just walked right out the door. I turned my attention back to the table to see my brother and Jake staring at me. “What?” I snapped. They shook their heads and went back to their meal. “It’s not like you weren’t thinking it too.”

“Oh yeah that’s a thought that’s crossed my mind may times. But I didn’t think you would ever have the balls to say it to her.” Nate smirked. “My brother has finally grown a pair would you say Jake.”

It took a few seconds but eventually Jake replied with a cheeky smile directed at me. “He wouldn’t have ever done anything like that before so he must have.” I couldn’t help but feel like there was a double meaning behind what he said. I rolled my eyes and shook my head.

“Fuck it.” I dropped my fork onto my plate and scooted my chair back. It took me a few minutes of digging around in the pantry to find all that I needed and started stacking things on the counter. I grabbed the pans I needed and my recipe box. I popped my mp3 on the surround sound and hit play. A random Avenged sevenfold song came on and I started to sing along while measuring out the ingredients.

“What are you doing?” My dad asked when he walked in, he took a look at the two at the table when I didn’t reply.

“Mom frazzled his feathers.” Was Nate’s reply; Dad just nodded and stuck his finger in my cake batter.

“What about this time?” Dad nodded in approval after tasting the mixture. “Needs a bit more vanilla.” I nodded and added a little more to the mix. I trusted my dad’s judgment because I learned everything I know about cooking from him. My mom chooses to stay away from home, dad though, he works his ass off as a chef in a five star restaurant in the city. He doesn’t spend a lot of time at home but we know he wishes he could.

I gave him a small tester spoon and had him taste, he gave me a thumbs up and grabbed himself a plate. One good thing about Saturdays, he didn’t have to be into work until eleven so he could spend the morning with us. He filled it with breakfast and sat down with the boys. I shook my head when they started talking about sports. A time or two I felt a gaze on me but each time I looked up no one was staring.

When the cake was in the oven I grabbed my plate and spooned the food into the dogs bar. “You barely ate anything.”

I looked over at Jake and shrugged. “I’m not all that hungry.”

“You’re always hungry.” Jake crossed his arm and stared me down. I shifted a bit under his gaze. Instead of replying I went to the fridge and pulled out a zucchini and more eggs. I spent my time making a zucchini bread and put it in the oven with the cake.

I hopped onto the counter and munched on a chocolate bar I found in the fridge. Dad left for work and the boys decided to play a game. The oven was about to go off when Jake came into the room. He saw me on the counter like a kid and chuckled. Jake grabbed a soda out of the fridge, popped the top and took a swig.

I finished my chocolate and watched as the over counted down from sixty. It was on fifty when Jake came into view. I raised a brow at him. “You’ve uh, you have chocolate on your face.”

I wiped at my mouth and looked at him. Jake shook his head and pointed to the left side of my face right by my mouth. I wiped it and looked up again. “Did I get it?”

“Not all of it.” Jake stepped forward and lifted his hand. I thought he was going to wipe it off but instead he used his hand on my cheek to pull me forward a bit. I was shocked when his lips touched mine. His tongue swiped my lips, licking the chocolate off. When he pulled back I was dazed. Had he just willingly acted intimate towards me? By the time I regained my senses he was out of the room.

The rest of the day I had a smile on my face. I spent my Saturday cleaning the house and baking random things like pumpkin cupcakes. Nate left to spend his anniversary with his boyfriend leaving me with Jake. We spent most of the night watching horror films. At one point Jake got up to get a drink so I stretched out on the couch. Instead of taking one of the chairs when he got back he lifted my legs and set them in his lap, handing me a bottle of water.

Two movies into the night he grabbed the blanket from the back of the couch and covered up. He must have felt how cold my legs were because he covered them up too. A few minutes later he began stroking my calf. I don’t know if he knew he was doing it but it felt really fucking good. His hands on me were electrifying. They felt so good I started to imagine them on other parts of my body. That was a bad idea because I wound up with a boner mid movie.

I played it off pretending to go to bed but really while he finished the movie I jerked off in my bed to thoughts of him touching me. I was almost asleep when I woke up to him climbing in my bed. I didn’t think anything of it; I just let him slip under the sheets with me. Jake curled up to my side. Feeling his body pressed snugly to mine felt right. Skin to skin, we were both naked bit we didn’t act on it. Instead I wrapped my arm around him and went to sleep.

Sunday morning started out quiet. Jake had gone to wake my brother for breakfast but Nate wasn’t in his bed. I chalked it up to him staying with Ryan after having sex the entire night. Mom headed out the door first thing and dad was in a rush to go to the hardware store. A pipe under the bathroom sink broke.

Jake and I ate breakfast in silence. Things were a bit awkward but after he cleared the plates and sat on the table in front of my chair, the mood lightened. I stood from my chair to scoot back some but Jake wrapped his legs around my middle and brought me snug against his chest. The kiss he initiated was tender and no tongue but it was enough to raise my hormones. More kisses were shared, getting deeper and more passionate as seconds ticked by. His hands trailed up my sides, mine rested on his hips trying to ground myself. God I felt like I would fly away any second. That this would all be a dream but it wasn’t. That much became clear when the back door slammed shut. We broke apart quickly and I rushed over to the sink to do the dishes, my dad came in and lightly scolded Jake for sitting on the table just like he would Nate and I.

I called his cell a few hours later to make sure he was home before dad began to suspect. I didn’t get an answer so Jake and I decided to go out on our property and hang out on the old trampoline. We were lying on our backs side by side, looking up at the sky.

“Why didn’t you tell me you had a thing for me?” Jake rolled over onto his side, propping himself up on his elbow, his head in his hand. “Before you even start to bullshit me I heard you and Nate yesterday. Why do you think I’m not freaking out that he’s not home yet?”

“It’s complicated.” I could feel my face heat up at the mention of my feelings for him.

“Well then explain it to me. Why did you never tell me what was going on or that your gay? You were mad at your brother for not telling you so why shouldn’t I be mad at you for keeping your sexuality from me?”

“Yeah. I was really going to come out to the guy I’ve had a thing for.” I stated sarcastically.

“You didn’t have to tell me you fancy me.” I could hear the hurt in his voice; I let out a sigh and looked over at him.

“What would you have done in my situation J? In love with your best friend, the only man you find attractive. How would I have explained to you that I am gay for you, not any other guy, just you? Hell I may not be strait but you are the only one I have thought about like that in the last five years.”

“I would have done what I’ve been doing Austin.” Did he just admit to loving me?

“What is that?”

“I have been nothing but a friend to you, holding my attraction in and not letting it show because I thought you were strait.” His fingers gently traced my jaw. “If I would have known two years ago I would have said something, the only one who knew about it is Nate.”

“Wait he knew how you felt?” I reached up and grabbed his hand in mine, holding it against my face.

“Yeah why?”

“That little shit knew how we felt about each other and never said a thing.” I chuckled, watching as a smile spread across Jake’s features.

My cell phone started to ring. Noticing it was my dad calling I just hit ignore and we started our journey up the hill. When we got to the back of the house I could see a police car in the drive way. I literally ran to the back door. “Dad?”

“In the living room.” He called back, Jake and I rushed to the living room to see my dad sitting on the couch, two police officers in the chairs. My dad had tears in his eyes.

“What’s going on?” Jake asked for me stepping up when the officers did to shake hands.

“Dad what’s wrong?” I whispered knowing the answer wasn’t one I would want to hear.

“Your brothers been in an accident.” The female officer filled in the massive blank.

“Is he okay? Is he in the hospital? Can we see him?” Jake and I rattled off questions left and right.

“I’m sorry.” The man shook his head sadly. “Your brother didn’t make it.”

My jaw dropped and the world froze around me. I started to feel myself collapse but Jake caught me and we sunk to the ground. Nate. An accident. Dead. My heart rate picked up and I couldn’t hear anything anyone was saying. Panic started to take over my body, even Jake rubbing my arms couldn’t calm me down. My breathing quickened, I needed to get out. I stood and ran out the nearest door. My pant leg caught on a part in the garage tearing it open but I didn’t even feel the blood running down my leg. I ran and didn’t stop.

Tears started to flow once my adrenaline crashed down on me like a wave. I had no clue where I was but it started to rain and I was cold. But I didn’t care. I stood out in the rain and cried for my brother. It was dark by the time the police found me and brought me home. My dad was on the phone making calls when I came in the door. Jake practically threw himself at me and wrapped his arms around me in a hug. Gently I pushed him away and made my way to my twin’s room. Inside I lay on his bed and cried remembering the day we had yesterday. He was so happy and joking around. I remember saying bye to him when he left, hugging him like always. A sob left my throat. I will never be able to hug my brother again. Never tell him I love him again. Never see him smile again.

Jake came into the room with a fresh pair of clothes, I didn’t want to move but he was able to pry me from the bed and into the shower. He sat on the toilette to make sure I wouldn’t collapse again. He dried me off and helped me dress; all the while I could see the sadness in his eyes.

I wanted to cry but I couldn’t not in front of Jake. I wasn’t the only one hurting; I need to be strong for him. I held in my emotions as best I could for the rest of the night. While my dad sat in the living room telling my mom what happened and they cried together, I didn’t. Instead I held Jake in my arms as he cried for my brother. For our best friend.

It took a week for the memorial to happen. We spent the week just trying to get by, Jake never went home. His house is not really a home to him. His parents are split up and he lives with his dad who hates him.

Two hundred people showed up to the memorial. We had to listen to old stories about him and then hear people tell us they were sorry. Even Jake’s dad showed up and gave us his respects. I didn’t cry. I couldn’t. My family needed someone to keep them together and that person was me.

Outside the funeral home I sat on the stone stairs with Jake. My arms were wrapped around his shoulders. “It’s okay to cry Austin.”

“I can’t. I have to stay strong. Right now I am the only thing keeping my family together.” I whispered into his hair.

“You are grieving just as much as they are you have the right to be upset. They will understand.” Jake pressed a kiss to my cheek. No one was around. Everyone was inside talking and eating at the buffet.

“I need to stay strong Jake.” I could already feel tears prickling at the back of my eyes for hundredth time today.

“No you don’t.” Jake pulled back and looked into my eyes, seeing the tears he continued while stroking my cheek. “Let it out baby.”

The tears fell like a damn breaking, cascading down my cheeks. I closed my eyes tight to stop them from falling but it didn’t help. A sob ripped from my throat as I thought of all the things I wouldn’t get to do with my brother. “I miss him so fucking bad.”

“I know baby. We all do.” Jake held me to his chest rubbing my back gently. I could hear the hitch in his voice, he was crying too. “It will be okay.”

“No it won’t.”

“Not right now, but eventually everything will be okay.” He lifted my chin to look into my eyes. “I will be by your side through this Austin. I love you.”

He hadn’t said it to me before. He knew I loved him but to have him admit how he felt about me made my heart skip a beat. In seconds our lips were together in a salty tear filled kiss. It was desperate and needy on both ends. We were looking for comfort from one another. A throat cleared. Once again we found ourselves jumping apart, standing up we turned around to see my dad on the steps.

“We need to pack up everything from the viewing, the pictures and his personal items that were shown.” My dad didn’t look mad but I know how he feels about homosexuals. I was surprised when he held out his hand and motioned me closer, he pulled me into a hug. Pulling back slightly he motioned to Jake too. He pulled us into a ground hug. “I need you boys to go through his room in this next week or two. Pack up all the stuff of anyone else’s and give it back but leave everything else as is.”

“Okay.” Dad pulled away and started to walk back up the stairs. That was strange; he had just seen me and Jake kiss and didn’t say a thing about it. He didn’t even seem upset at us.

People started filing out after we packed up the personal items so they could be taken home and put were they were originally. I thanked everyone who came up to shake my hand and give their condolences. I spotted Ryan in the crowd; instead of staying at the end of the stairs where I had been I followed him to the parking lot. Apparently Jake had the same idea. We got to his car and he turned around and spotted us. Ryan looked like hell. His hair was messy his suit had been ruffled up and his eyes were bloodshot and had bags under them from no sleep.

“I’m sorry to hear about your brother.”

“Thanks for coming.” I stated shaking his hand when he held it out to me.

“It’s the least I could do.” Ryan tried a half sad smile but it didn’t work it just looked like a grimace.

“If you want to come around and go through his stuff with us, take home some of his things that mean something to you.” Ryan nodded.

“Wouldn’t your folks have a problem with it?” Ryan asked raising his brow.

“Maybe, but I know how important he was to you. You have just as much right to his stuff as they do. Besides I figured you may want to take home any gifts you may have given him, as keepsakes.”

“He told you?”

“No I spied his phone but we talked about it afterwards.”

“I feel so damn guilty for letting him drive home. I should have insisted that he stay until morning but he wanted to be there before your mom woke up. She had been checking on him since she caught him sneaking out.”

“It wasn’t your fault. It was no ones fault except the drunk driver that hit him. You couldn’t have known what would happen and he insisted on going home. But he didn’t tell me about getting caught sneaking out. Well I guess he wouldn’t have since he didn’t tell me about you guys until I caught him.”

“But you were okay with it?” I knew he was asking if I had been in a fight with my brother over his sexuality before he died.

“Of course, if I wasn’t I would be a hypocrite.” Jake came up beside me and slipped his hand into mine. “Stop by some time this week. My parents are gone during the day and wouldn’t notice if you took a few things to keep.”

“Thank you.”

Later that night I laid in bed with Jake, his fingers were combing through my hair. “Will the pain get any lighter?”

“All we can do is hope and trust in each other to take care of us when we fall.”

Three years later Jake and I sat out on the roof of our apartment building. We had graduated and got jobs, then decided to rent a place. We were both attending college and carrying on with our lives.

I didn’t trust Jake the night he told me everything would get easier. He was right, as time passed I started to let go of the anger and slowly moved on. I think about him all the time and sometimes I cry for him but I’m not depressed anymore. I know my brother wouldn’t want me to be upset but sometimes I can’t help it. Like when I look in the mirror in the morning when I’m half asleep and see my brother looking back. It’s just my reflection of course but my brain doesn’t understand that that early. Then the sadness hits when I remember.

Jake and I watch the sunset every night on the roof; we made it a habit after Nate died. It was one of his favorite things to do. Jake stood and helped me up. I dusted off my butt and pulled him into a hug. The hood of his jacket hit me in the face at first but I pushed it to the side and pulled his head to the crook of my neck. My forehead rested on his shoulder. “I’ve been so lucky to have you beside me all this time; to be able to count on you and trust with my well being has meant the world to me. I’m happy you fell in love with me.”