Like You

“Dear Fred,

It’s me, George. Your twin brother, remember me? I do surely remember you. It’s been only two months.

Two months. Feels like forever, actually. And the pain doesn’t seem to ease. It just keeps on getting worse, and I just can’t take it, Fred. I think I’m about to break into little pieces, Freddie. I promised myself I’d be strong, for mum and dad. For our little sister, Ginny. For Bill who’s starting a new life with Fleur, for Ronnie, for Charlie, for Percy even. And it’s hard, nearly impossible.

There’s a huge, black thundering cloud over my head wherever I go that keeps on raining down on me and prevents me from leading a normal life. I’m sick, I’m tired. Every night is dreamless; this insomnia is weakening me both mentally and physically. I don’t sleep because your face haunts me, and when I do fall asleep – terrifying night terrors is all I see; you die over and over again.

All the mirrors in this house have been smashed into small shards – I can’t bear looking at myself in the mirror anymore. Mum can’t look me in the eye, she avoids my face and when she speaks to me her eyes are always looking at the floor, the wall, anything to keep herself from making eye contact.

Sometimes I hate myself for breathing without you. For living while you’re 6 feet underground; laying peaceful and quiet. You could’ve and should’ve lived to see our little brother and sister grow, our store blossom and to start your life, a family, a career by my side… enjoy and live by the minute recklessly. Love, live, laugh, cry. I have the chance to let all of that happen, but you’ll never have it. And it’s not fair.

I can’t get out of this, Fred. I can’t stand hearing mum crying at night, whispering your name in between sobs. I’m broken, I’m incomplete. I’m starting to believe this life isn’t worth living without you. No, it just isn’t. I long to be with you, to be like you, and lay cold in the ground like you. I can’t mourn your death anymore.

‘You’re not alone’ they told me. I have my family and friends that have always been and always will be there for me in my hour of need. But they’ll never be able to close these wounds. They refuse to close, and get deeper as the days go by without you. This pain has overcome me. I failed you, I failed myself.

All paths lead straight to you. I’m helpless, Freddie, helpless! I think I’ll have to listen to that faraway voice which comes from the deepest part of this black hole I have in my soul; maybe it’s right and I should join you forevermore in order to end this pain. This is my final hour. And I’ll be right beside you, we’ll be together again.

I’m not grieving for you.

I’m coming for you.