Breathe Life Into Me

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When is it enough? When is it time to just give up? When is it time to throw in the towel? When you look at your history with life and see you’re not getting anywhere and that it’s just a bunch of back and forth…is that when you know you’re done? When you realize you’re stuck…and you’ll never be released from your state of dormancy. Is that when you give up? When you know there’s nothing left for you to fight for and nothing else for you to do…nothing else you can do. Because you’re stuck. The world is still spinning. People are still living their lives. Life is continuing on…but without you. And how do you know? Well…you don’t. You just wait until something happens. Whether it’s death or fortune or love…you wait for it to come to you. Because you’re stuck…and you have nothing else to do…nowhere else to go….

~~~~~~~~~

Brittney’s POV

Fresh air…blue skies…green trees…lively animals…it was all around. Everything I’ve missed. I missed the smell of the grass and feel of the sun and the sound of the chirping in the morning. I never realized how much one could really miss all of the Earth so much…and yet…I couldn't enjoy it. The images kept replaying in my head like a movie that wouldn't turn off and the story line was all about how to survive in Purgatory. I mean…Dean and I have only been out for four days now so it’s not like I’m expecting any miracles to be cured of these nightmares playing in my head constantly but still…Dean has a much better game face than I do.

We set Benny free as soon as possible and then we parted ways. It was for the best. I had my doubts definitely…to bring him along and to just let him go…but I’m starting think it might have been okay. Now…we were on our way to see Sam. It’s been a year since we’ve last seen each other so I’ll admit that I was kind of nervous…but I was also more than excited. I needed something good right now.

So I was now pacing around in Rufus’ cabin with the anxiety building. “Geez Brit. You’d think that by now you would’ve built up some kind of confidence wall” Dean teased.

I shot daggers at him. “Ha you are so funny” I hissed. “I’m just a little nervous about seeing Sam tomorrow…it’s been a year. A lot can change in one year”

“Trust me. I know…I don’t think you have to wait until tomorrow though” he told me as he looked out the window.

I looked and saw it was Sam pulling up. “But…how could he have…?

“Just hide” he ordered and we both shot away from the door.

We waited and listened for his footsteps on the porch. My eyes met Dean’s as he sent me a silent message and then nodded. Our time together over this passed year gave us some time to do some serious bonding. I feel like I know him more than I ever did before.

The door began to open and I felt my heart jumping just from the sight of Sam. He hadn’t changed a bit. He just…looked sadder. Dean rushed him, pushing him to the ground and I jumped out, spraying holy water all over him.

“What the hell?” he sputtered and got a good look at us. “I’m not a demon” he informed us casually and still I could still such confusion and shock. He had to have known we were coming back. Dean poured the borax over him.

“Or a Leviathan. What…” He had to know we were going to be here. Without warning Dean grabbed his arm to slice it with the knife. Sam grunted.

“Or a shifter. Good. Our turn. Come on. Let's go” he held the bottles out to Sam as he got to his feet.

“I don't need to. I know it's you”

“Damn it, Sammy!” he grunted and splashed himself with the contents and then me as well. I didn’t even have time to react or even respond. My eyes were now just transfixed on Sam.

Dean offered the knife to Sam. “Come on!”

“No! Dean, can I just say hello?” he smiled.

Dean sighed, annoyed and rolled up his own sleeve to cut his arm and then he held up my arm since I was obviously not capable of any motor functions at the moment and he cut me as well. “Alright…well lets do” Dean said as he threw his arms out to the side after wrapping his gash in a bandanna.

“I don't know whether to give you a hug or take a shower” Sam quipped and Dean laughed.

“Come here” he smiled and they both hugged.

Then he looked up at me and Dean stepped to the side. As he met my eyes I think he was able to see inside me and watch the Purgatory movie play in my head. He saw the struggle and the pain I went through. It was so obviously apparent on my face and in my eyes.

Without any words I rushed into his arms and he held me tight. I took a clump of his hair and squeezed it as I clenched onto his shirt wanting to get more than I could of him. “I missed you” he whispered in my ear and I felt my hear break a little.

“I missed you too” he pulled away to bring himself together.

“You guys…are freaking alive! I mean…what the hell happened?” he asked as he began to pace and eyed us closely wanting so badly to believe we were real but wasn’t sure if he could trust even himself.

“Well, I guess standing too close to exploding Dick sends your ass straight to Purgatory” Dean told him.

“You were in Purgatory? For the whole year?”

“Yeah, time flies when you're running for your life”

“Well, how'd you get out?”

“I guess whoever built that place didn't want us in there any more than we did” I sighed. “What does that mean?” he asked but I didn’t know how to elaborate.

“We’re here, okay?” is what Dean stuck with.

“But…what about Mel?” Sam finally brought up.

I looked up at Dean and saw how he shifted in his spot and he couldn’t look up at Sam. I took a deep breath. “We couldn’t find her…we’re pretty sure she’s still stuck in Purgatory” I told him.

He didn’t know what to say. Instead his eyes went right to Dean. “I’m not sure if I believe it…”

Dean’s hard eyes went to him. “Well believe it”

“And Cas? What about him? Where’s he?” Dean paced away as I was trying so hard to fight back the tears.

“Cas didn't make it either”

“What exactly does that mean?”

“Something happened to him down there. Things got pretty hairy towards the end, and he…” he stopped to find his words. “Just let it go”

“So Cas is dead? You saw him die?”

“We saw enough” I spoke up.

“So what? You’re not sure?”

“I said we saw enough, Sam” I semi-snapped.

“Okay…I’m sorry” he said sincerely.

“Me too”

I walked over to the fridge to pull out three beers. I set them on the table and Dean took one right away. “So uhh I can’t believe you’re actually here. Do you know that half your numbers are out of service?” I asked Sam.

“Yea, I felt like we were leaving messages in the wind”

“Yeah, I…I didn't get your messages”

“How come?” I wondered.

“Probably because I ditched the phones.

“Because...?”

“I guess, um... I guess something happened to me this year, too” he shrugged.

I eyed him. “I don't hunt anymore” he smiled cautiously.

I felt my grip tighten on my bottle. “Yeah. And Sasha Grey's gone legit” Dean snarked. Sam sighed. “What?”

“Nothing. Um, she did a Soderbergh movie”

“What?”

“She did a Soderbergh…”

"No. You Sam. You quit?” I asked incredulous and just stared at him like I didn’t know him anymore…because I felt like I didn’t.

“Yea…you were all gone, guys. Cas was gone, Bobby was dead. I mean, Crowley even shipped off Kevin and Meg to parts unknown”

“So you just turned tail on the family business” Dean raised his voice.

“Nothing says "family" quite like the whole family being dead”

Dean shot to his feet. “We weren't dead. In fact, we were knee-deep in God's armpit killing monsters, which, I thought, is what we actually do”

“Yes, Dean. And far as I knew, what we do is the thing that got every single member of my family killed. I had no one. And for the first time in my life, I was completely alone. And, honestly, I didn't exactly have a road map. So, yeah, I fixed up the Impala, and I just…drove” His eyes landed on mine.

“After you looked for us” Dean assumed. Sam didn’t say anything. My eyes went from Dean and snapped to Sam. “Did you look for us, Sam?” he spoke clearly.

Sam avoided both of us. I felt myself crumble inside. "Good. That's good. Now we... always told each other not to look for each other, right?” Dean asked and looked for some kind of agreement coming from me. He wasn’t going to get anything. “That's smart. Good for you. Of course, we always ignored that because of our deep, abiding love for each another, but not this time, right, Sammy?” he added.

“Look, I'm still the same guy, Dean”

“I don’t think you are” I whispered. They both looked over at me. “You’re not the same Sam I left a year ago…and I guess that’s on me…because I wasn’t here” I murmured. They both continued to stare at me. None of us are the same….

~

The room was so silent a pin could’ve dropped and cracked the whole dining room floor because of the tension. Sam was making some dinner that none of us were really interested in…not even him…he just needed something to do.

“Brittney…” Sam finally spoke to kill the awkwardness with me.

“There's a girl isn’t there” I assumed. His silence said it all. “It’s okay…I guess I wasn’t really expecting you to wait for me. You didn’t even know I would be getting out, of course I didn’t want you to wait. Especially if it meant you would be unhappy for the rest of your life…” I brought my eyes up to him. “I’m just wondering why you feel so guilty when you already knew I felt this way from the very beginning. You know I wouldn’t want you to be alone” He opened his mouth to speak but no words came out.

Then Dean turn to look at us as he pulled the headphones out of the cell phone he was holding. He had daggers set on Sam. “What?”

“Sam Winchester, it's Kevin Tran. Crowley had me in this warehouse, and I just escaped. I don't know where I am. And I don't know if he or-or any other demons are still after me. I need your help. Call me back. It's Kevin Tran” the message played. I could hear how scared he was.

“When was that?” Sam asked plainly. I furrowed my eyebrows at him and then at Dean. He played another. “Sam Winchester. It's Kevin Tran. I called you a week ago. Call me, please. I don't know what the hell I'm doing out here, man” Sam stood to his feet obviously uncomfortable now.

“Okay. I get it. So, what, you want to...strategize or something?” Dean played another. “Sam, it's Kevin. I'm...whoo! I'm so good”

“Is he...drunk?”

“Three months since you ditched my ass. Haven't slept for more than four hours a night. It's all good in the hood…uh, if you're still alive, eat me” Another message. “Eat me!” Then another. “Sam, it's been six months. I can only assume you're dead. If not, don't try and reach me. You won't be able to. I won't be calling this number anymore”

I could feel my chest contort with discomfort at the thought of Kevin on his own. “He was our responsibility and you couldn't answer the damn phone” Dean spat, chucking the phone at Sam’s chest.

He wasn’t Sam…not my Sam. My Sam wouldn’t have let a helpless kid go off by himself into a world where he was an obvious target to creatures who could easily rip out his heart. I couldn’t even be near him anymore because it hurt so bad.

Some time passed by. “All right, listen to this. Kevin's last message. Listen to the background” Sam spoke. He played the message and I listened carefully. “Hear that?”

“What is it?” Dean asked.

“He was on a bus” I noted. Sam nodded and played it again. This time around we hear the words last stop-Centreville. “Centreville? Centreville, where?” Dean asked.

“Michigan” Sam told him.

“And why would Kevin be in Centreville, Michigan?”

“Because his high-school girlfriend goes to college there” he said and showed us the pinpoint location on his laptop.

“That's thin”

“It's the best lead we got”

“We?” I crossed my arms and eyed him. He avoided my eyes and just looked up at Dean.

“You were right. He was our responsibility. So…let's find him, okay? Then you can tell me how we‘re going to get Melissa back” I looked up at Dean and he didn’t say a word. He just grabbed his things and we all headed out.

We loaded up the Impala with weapons and then got in. It was kind of weird being in the backseat…alone…with the boys in front, driving. “Well…no visible signs of douchery. I'll give you that…” Dean commented at the overall status of the Impala’s condition.

Then he made a face at me. “It smell like dog to you?”

“In the car?” Sam countered in a strange tone. “You tell me” Sam just shrugged. So they let it go and Dean just started the engine. We hit the road…just the three of us.

~

“Maybe we should keep moving. I mean, Kevin's not getting any more found” I suggested as we checked into a motel.

“The kid survived a year without us. He'll be okay for another twelve hours. Besides, when's the last time you two slept?” Sam asked us. I just looked at him. I didn’t know this man. “What?” he asked me gently.

“Nothing…it’s just…how you rationalized taking a year off? People will be okay?”

“People were okay, Brit. You're okay”

“Yea, maybe we’re okay” Dean muttered and walked over to the window. Silence followed.

“Look…I did what we promised we'd do. I moved on. I lived my life”

“Oh. Yea, I’m getting that” I was starting to get into a pissy mood. This new Sam was just pissing me off.

“Look, it wasn't like I was just oblivious. I mean, I read the paper every day. I saw the weird stories, the kind of stuff we used to chase”

“And you said what? 'Not my problem'?” Dean narrowed his eyes at him.

“Yes. And you know what? The world went on”

“People died, Sam”

“People will always die, Dean. Or maybe another hunter took care of it. I don't know, but the point is, for the first time, I realized that it wasn't only up to me to stop it”

“So…this girl really did it for you huh. She got to you so bad that she just made you stop…just like that?” I spat a bit jealously.

“There was a girl?” Dean snapped at Sam.

“The girl had nothing to do with it”

“I don’t know whether to be relieved that you had someone good enough to make you quit hunting or be a little bit jealous” I said lightly because lets face it…I was jealous.

“Yea. There was a girl. And then there wasn’t. Now here’s you. Can we move on now like it used to be or do you have more questions?” he snapped at us. Who was I looking at?

“I need some air” I told them and walked out. All I wanted was my Sam back….

~

Sweat and dirt. It’s the feeling on my body, it’s the smell in my nose and it’s the taste in my mouth. My muscles are sore from running so much and from trying so hard to catch up but I’m not letting this one get away. I could hear them getting closer and to pass some time I was counting to one thousand. I had gotten to 785 when Dean and the vampire went wrestling down the hill. The vampire had an obvious dominance approach and was clearly winning this battle. As he arched up to swoop back down to kill Dean...I fired.

The vampire fell to the ground with a pencil-long stake going right through his thigh and Dean pulled him to throw him up against the tree. I watched from a distance as he interrogated the vampire to find out where Cas was. But he was obviously not cooperating so Dean ended it for him. I went to walk over to him but then I felt a pair of arms wrap around me and we both went tumbling down the hill. A second vampire pinned me down. “Brittney!” Dean grunted. I had relaxed for too long, I didn’t have enough strength to fight him off…and honestly…I wasn’t sure I even wanted to. But before anything else could happen the vampire was thrown off me by another body…and it wasn’t Dean. I rolled over onto my stomach to watch my “hero” kill the vampire. He stood to his feet, faced us and then showed his teeth to us. Another one.