Breathe Life Into Me

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He was there. They both were. I didnt want to do this...I don't think I wanted to do this...they were my friends...I was supposed to be their guardian...someone they could count on...and yet...here we were.

"Cas, no please...don't" Dean pleaded, holding up a hand as if he could stop me.

I broke his wrist and he writhed on the floor. I raised up the holy sword, preparing myself for yet another kill. It wasnt hard anymore. I felt nothing. "Cas...please..." I thrust the point into his chest and then ripped it out. The body fell, suddenly lifeless.

"Cas..." I registered the warm tone in Melissa's voice...but felt nothing. She was no one to me. No voice of reason...no sense of compassion...she was nothing...not anymore. I threw the sword and it stabbed into her chest, piercing her heart. She fell as well.

The lights flickered back on and Naomi came over to me. “No hesitation. Quick. Brutal. Everything's back in order. Finally. You're ready” she smiled at me but I still couldnt feel anything.

This wasnt really who I was now...it wasnt what I was about...what I was taught...or was I wrong? Was everything I ever learned from the girls...from the Winchesters...was it all inaccurate? Am I...is this...is it right? It didnt feel like it, that’s for sure...I didnt want to hurt Dean or Melissa...but right at the moment...it felt like I had no choice. No choice....

Brit

The silence, for once, was actually pretty nice. It was almost calming in a way. And for the first time in a long time I felt kind of safe. Knowing we were living in a place that my own ancestors had programmed to fight against evil and still be kept secretive, it was nice knowing something from my past worked out for the better.

I looked up at Sam who came walking over to me. I curled up my legs so he could sit on the couch cushion beside me. He was just staring at me with a goofy grin. “Can I help you...?”

“Whatcha reading?” he asked. I

held up the Vogue magazine for him to see. He nodded. I laughed. “What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing. Just...enjoying the silence I guess” he shrugged. I started to smile.

“Yea...me too” I agreed.

“Where’d Mel go?” he wondered.

“Out to the store. She wanted to make something special for dinner” I laughed lightly, flipping the page but not really paying attention to the magazine.

“But Mel can’t...”

“Yea, well I don’t think she knows that. And I’m not about to be the person to break it to her”

“She couldn’t take Dean with her though? I never noticed how...”

“Lost he gets without her?"

"I was gonna say annoying..."

I laughed. "Yea, it’s a little pathetic how bad it’s gotten for him when it comes to her but who am I to object against true love” I mocked a little.

“You used to believe in true love...” he mentioned and my smile faltered.

“And I still do...I just don’t think it can beat everything anymore...there’s just too much that has happened that proved love isn’t all you need” I shrugged, averting my eyes back down to the pictures.

“Did you even notice the fact that you and Mel...”

“Switched roles? Of course I noticed. Someone has to be realistic around her. I can’t even imagine how Mel dealt with me and my love first, ask questions later attitude” I shook my head.

“But that was something that I loved about you...that you loved anything and everything so full heartedly...it was beautiful” I felt myself turning red at the sound of him being so genuine.

“Sam. You’re doing it again” I sighed.

“Doing what?” But I couldn’t even answer him because when I looked up to his face my breath got caught in my throat as I realized he kept inching closer and closer to me.

This is what always confused me. Sometimes we talked the way we used to...like real friends...then other times we acted all couple-like...and sometimes we even ignored each other. No one has time to flirt or be in love anymore. Not when you’re constantly looking over your shoulder. I still wonder how Mel and Dean keep up with it. It seems like even after everything they’ve gone through they’re stronger than ever. They love each other more and more every day and the person I used to be would’ve been thrilled and would’ve cheered the on. She would’ve been loving the love. But this me. The me today. She’s trying to just get through the day, taking it one day at a time. Between the word of god, demons, angels, Melissa’s growing amnesia...I don’t have time to concern myself with feelings that will only slow me down. I don’t even have time to breathe. Now I understand how Mel feels...or used to feel. I understand why she couldn’t sleep at night, why she was always wired and always thinking, why she couldn’t stop. Not once. She was always looking back over her shoulder, waiting for the next shoe to drop. She was also looking out for me and I’m sure I never made her life any easier.

But here I was safe. I was able to breathe. I was able to sleep...kind of. Maybe I was even able to love. I know it’s been a while since I let myself feel something good...feel something that was right...and he was right here...right in front of me...willing to let me love him...even with all of my damaged parts. He was still here, offering his heart to me. It was something I always dreamed of as a little girl. To have someone look at me the way Sam does, to have someone hold me the way he does, to have someone talk and make me laugh the way he does, and to have someone love me the way he does. It was just a dream...and now...my reality...?

My lips were so close to his...we were so close...but then I jumped slightly when I heard the front door open and then shut. I looked up as Mel came walking in with grocery bags in her hands. Sam turned to look back at her and he instantly stood to go grab the bags for her. I watched her as she just stared blankly at Sam as he took the bags from her and walked to the kitchen with them. It was an unfamiliar look in her eyes.

“Hey, did you find everythign okay?” I voiced but when she looked over at me the look on her face didnt sit right with me.

“Hey...are you okay?” I asked, getting up to meet her half way.

“Well...I would be if I knew what I was doing here...do you think you could help me?”

I tensed up. “What...?”

“Yea...I think I blacked out...maybe? But when I came to I was already standing in front of...wherever we are...” she looked around curiously. “So I came inside hoping to find someone who could maybe explain to me...why I’m here” she shrugged and laughed lightly at her crazy request.

“But Mel...you’re...” I couldn’t even get the rest of my words out because my brain was still trying to process what she was saying. And just like that...everything changed again...no...this is my reality right now. Nothing else matters.

I froze with my voice stuck in my throat that suddenly felt tighter. She continued to look at me expectantly. “Hello? Can you help me or not?” she snapped.

“Guys!” I yelled and Sam was the first to get to my side.

“What’s wrong, Brit?” he asked.

“I uhh...Mel doesn’t...” I didn’t even know how to say it.

“Oh hey, you’re back” Dean grinned as he came walking over to us. “I forgot to tell you that we needed more tobasco sauce to mix in with the dip, but...” he started and went to lean in to kiss her in the process.

It was something he did now. Whenever either one of them were talking he would kiss her mid-sentence and she loved it. Like weirdly loved it. I used to think it was cute until it started getting gross and even more frequent. But when I watched her put a hand up on his chest to stop him my heart clenched. She took a step back, away from Dean as she kept her arm up, keeping him at the set distance. She even scoffed, disgusted.

“Never mind. I’ll find someone else who’ll help me...” she turned to walk out but I jumped forward to grab her wrist. She snapped a look of death back at me.

“No, no, we can help you” I insisted.

“Mel...I don’t understand...what’s going on...this isn’t really funny” Dean tried to reach out for her hand and get closer but she just ripped herself away from both of us.

“Look buddy, you’re cute and all but you ever hear about something called personal space?” she snapped. I realized my face was frozen in shock and when I looked up at Dean I saw nothing but pain written all over his face.

Mel looked around us and at Sam who was just as dumbstruck as we were. “What about you, skyscraper? Can ya help me out here?” she asked him, snapping him to his senses that Dean and I were clearly out of.

“Uhh yea, yea...come on. I’ll help you” he said and guided her away from us and up to her room. She never looked back at us...not once.

An hour went by...then another...then four...and all the while Dean and I paced around downstairs, contemplating whether we should go up to see what they were doing all this time. The waiting was killing us. What was he saying to her? What was she thinking? How was she taking in everything? Was he telling her though? What if he didn’t know how?

“That’s it. I can’t just sit on my ass...” Dean suddenly snapped but I jumped forward to stop him.

“Brit...”

“Dean...what if...this is what we’ve been fearing all along...what if this is it...what if...”

“Don’t say it, Brit...please don’t say it...” he ripped his arm away from me and turned his back to me so I wouldn’t see him getting choked up.

“But...we need to face facts, Dean. She may never remember any...”

He spun quickly, startling me. “This isn’t it. These aren’t the facts. Melissa believes we can bring her back, that I can bring her back. So it’s what I’ll do, even if it’s the last thing I do. I’ll do it”

The look in his eyes was hard and strained and filled with confusion and distraught. He didn’t even know where to start to bring Mel back...

When we heard the door shut from upstairs and then footsteps following the sound we both snapped our eyes up to the second level right as Mel started to come down the stairs slowly with Sam right behind her. I could feel myself holding my breath, afraid of what was to happen next. But all she did was stare at us for a long moment.

“Brittney...and Dean...” she eyed each of us.

Neither of us spoke though. We just nodded. Then she smiled and walked right passed us and out the door. “What happened? That’s it?” I hissed.

“Where is she going? Do we go after her?” Dean added quickly.

“She’s just going to get the rest of the bags” he calmed us.

“Okay, well?” we both urged him.

“Well...what?”

“Come on, man!” Dean complained.

“Yea, what did you say? What did she say?” I added.

“Well...not much really...her memory...is really gone...she can’t remember a thing...” he informed us but as he said it it was as if he was trying to figure it out himself. He was trying to make sense of it...process the reality of it.

“Okay...so...you told her everything and...?” Dean was losing his patience.

“She’s...very accepting of it all” he said, disbelief in his own words.

“You mean like she’s okay with the fact that she’s a hunter and risks her life every day hunting things in the dark?” I narrowed my eyes.

“I mean like...she’s accepting the fact that this is her life whether she likes it or not. I mean, she has no memory so what does she have really to be afraid of...?”

“What does she have to be afraid of?! Oh that one is priceless” Dean hissed at his brother, incredulous as he began pacing. “I didn’t mean it like that” Sam sighed.

“Hey umm...” a fourth voice made us all jump and silence floated into the room as we turned to see Mel poking her head back inside.

“You...Dean...”

He tensed, straightening up and facving her like he was facing a drill Sargent. “Aren’t you like...my boyfriend...or husband or lover or something...?” Dean and I snapped our eyes up at Sam.

“You told her we were lovers?” he narrowed his eyes up at him.

He just shrugged. “It’s not really like you guys label yourselves!” he defended. Dean rolled his eyes.

“So...aren’t you supposed to do boyfriend-like things and help me carry in the groceries?” she kicked open the door and we saw the hand-fulls of bags she was holding. Dean quickly raced to her side and took most of them as she followed him into the kitchen.

Sam and I looked at each other and then followed as well, staying quiet as we spied on the two. Mel was keeping her distance while trying to figure out where everything went and Dean couldnt stop watching her like a creep.

“So...she’s just accepting this life huh” I reiterated.

“Yea...pretty much...I mean, I explained the best I could about the life...our life...and at first she didn’t really believe me and was on the fence about it...but then she told me she trusted me...and felt like if she didn’t know who she was then I would...” I looked up at him.

“You?” He shrugged. I sighed. “Well...at least she trusts someone. That’ll make things a little easier” I watched as she jumped when Dean put a hand on her shoulder just to direct where the right cabinet was.

“Hopefully it’ll make things easier...because I don’t know how long we can do this and pretend like her past didn’t exist”

“We’re not pretending like it didn’t exist. We’re just forgetting about it for now. Who knows, maybe it’ll be better for her to forget the past and just focus on now” But her past is what shaped her....

Two Weeks Later

If I said the next two weeks weren't weird or awkward I would definitely be lying. The first week Mel hardly ever left her room, ever only letting Sam in to bring her food or to let him ask how she was doing. And every time he checked on her he said she was doing the same thing: laying on her bed, staring at the ceiling. How could one person with amnesia have so much to think about?

Then week two came around and Mel had come out of her room to grab her own breakfast. She said she felt uncomfortable with us watching her so she tried to go back to her room but me and Dean instantly stopped. I would rather her out here with us then not at all. It got even weirder to watch though whenever Mel came into contact with Dean-whether it be eye contact or accidentally brushing up against each other. The two couldn't form a complete sentence when talking to each other. It didnt seem to bother her much but as soon as Mel walked out Dean would throw a tantrum. he even punched a hold in the wall once because he was so frustrated about the situation. I couldn't blame him. The only person she ever really talked to was Sam. He was able to get her to loosen up and more and more she started coming out of the room.

But two weeks were gone now of us "babying" her condition and i couldn't stand it anymore. We've waited two weeks and there's been no change except for the fact she doesn't call me Bethany, Bay or Bridget anymore. At first I thought she was just messing around but then I realized she really couldn't remember my name for the life of her.

I was laying on the couch, frustrated with how slow things were going and trying to think of a new approach. "Hey...can I talk to you?" I heard Mel whisper.

I slouched at first but then I looked over the back of the couch to see Mel coming down the stairs in time to stop Dean in his tracks. "Yea sure...why are we whispering...?"

"I just feel like my voice echoes in this place and its just...so big and the hallways are just...creepy..." Dean chuckled. "What?" She asked.

"Nothing...it's just...when we first moved in Brit said the same thing...and so you took your pants off and started dancing down the halls in your underwear...so whenever we walk around that's all any of us think about...it's not so creepy anymore" he shrugged, laughing.

I smiled. "If anything that makes it more creepy" she replied, wrapping her arms around herself.

My smile fell. Dean faltered. "Yea well...that's the kind of person you are" he shrugged.

"Well...I don't understand it then...and that's what I wanted to ask. If we were together..."

"Are together" he corrected her, making a face.

"Right...if we're together...you should know me better than anyone right...?"

"Maybe you should talk to Brit about this..."

"I can't" She was getting frustrated.

"Why not?"

"Because if I was someone she looked up to...someone she depended on...I don't want to disappoint her anymore than I already am"

"What makes you think..."

"I just...have this feeling. The way she looks at me...it's like she's trying to peel my skin away just to find who I am...who I was..." She sighed.

"Weird way of putting it...but you are the same person...you just need to remember what kind of person that was"

"Well could you tell me maybe? Because I'm just not too sure..."

"Well uhh... the old you..." He started smiling just at the in memories. "Umm it's hard to explain what kind of person...well...you were really smart...are really smart...clever rely. Uhh always selfless...never judgmental...kind and honest and brave...ummm...there's this..." He leaned against the wall, smiling into space as his brain went someplace else. "Beauty about you that was incredibly natural and also...majestic...everything you did was full hearted and genuine...you hated being fake..."

"But I lied...a lot..." she assumed.

"Well yea...but you always had good reason" he justified it. She shook her head.

"Dean...you obviously really love me...or the girl I used to be but the thing is...I'm not her anymore. I find that I’m not brave or selfless or even all that smart. And no way was I honest..."

"I meant..."

"Dean...I'm not her. You and Brittney need to understand this. I don't know why this happened but maybe it's for the best. I just wasn't meant to be that person"

"You're wrong" he murmured.

She sighed. "Dean..."

"You said you believed in me to bring you back if this ever happened and that's exactly what I'm going to do because I swore I would never let you down...never again. I'm not leaving. I'm not going anywhere, Mel. So just hang tight in there" he stared deeply into her eyes, as if trying to get his voice through to her inner self...her real self? I don't know. This whole thing confuses me. But I saw how the intensity made her nervous and she took a step back before turning and walking back down the hall.

Then Dean sighed, came over my way and then collapsed beside me. He held his head in his hands and I reached out to touch him but then stopped. "We'll get her back, Dean..." I tried.

"I know...I just don't know how yet...and it scares me"

"I know it does..."

"And why the hell does she need to spend so much time with Sam?" He got up and started pacing.

I shrugged. "She trusts him. We should be happy...at least she doesn't feel alone..." I hung my head slightly.

"I'm sorry, Brit...I..."

"Don't apologize. It just makes me feel even more pathetic" I tried to laugh.

"Okay so...” Sam came walking in with newspaper fliers. “Dead bodies showing up all over the Midwest last week. Benton, Indiana; Downers Grove, Illinois; uh, Novi, Michigan; and then again last night in Lincoln Springs, Missouri. Each of the victims had severe burns around their eyes, hands, and feet, puncture wounds through the backs of their hands, eyes and internal organs liquefied..." Sam explained and we all looked at each other.

“How do you guys want to go about this...?” he asked us.

“Well...do you really think now is the best time to be hunting?” Dean wondered. We were silent for a moment, contemplating the right move to make.

“I think...it might be the best thing right now. Maybe being out in the field could trigger something for her. Hunting was who she was, Dean. It was all she knew at one point. It could be what she needs right now” Sam reasoned.

“I dont know...”

“Dean, Sam might be right. She’s going crazy being cooped up in this place 24/7...”

“Yea and you havent been much help either” Sam pointed out.

“What do you mean?”

“Dude, the other day you told her when she was 16 she ran away to join the circus” he gave him a pointed look.

“You did what?” I narrowed my eyes at him.

“Hey if she cant remember her past then we might as well give her an exciting, better past"

“Dude she started cart-wheeling and doing handsprings all over the place"

“I know. Isn’t it awesome" he laughed.

“Yea, it’ll be real awesome when she tries to tightrope across the chandeliers"

“She has amnesia Sam, not stupidity

“You guys talking about me?” We turned to see Mel come back walking over to us.

“Yea, actually...how would you want to give hunting a try...”

“Like actually help you guys hunt down...a monster?” she was incredulous at the idea. We all nodded. “You think it’ll help?” Her eyes stayed on Sam. “I really do” he nodded. She considered it. “Okay” she agreed. Just like that.