I'd Love to Kill You, but I Would Hate to See You Die
2,073 Words
All I wanted to do was reach my arms out and strangle the man in front of me. There was nothing more that I wanted to do than see his face turn blue, his eyes close, his breathing stop. Nothing more did I want than to watch the life slip from his body by my hands. Nothing more.
It wasn’t my fault I felt this way. It truly wasn’t. I had forgotten to take my medication today, and he was getting on my nerves, telling me to do this, no, do that. His balding head was gleaming under these fake lights, making the drivel running down his face all the more obnoxious. His round stomach hit the desk in front of him while he spewed his ignorant comments at the students in front of him, yelling at me for not paying attention. He was going on and on and on about the aids outbreak in the seventies and the effect it had on the gay subculture with its devastating consequences. The occasional glances he threw my way when he spoke of how the gays were dying were making me want to let that impulse take control. He didn’t realize just how lucky he was I had self-control and self-dignity. If I finally went to jail over this fuck face, people would be awfully disappointed in me, not for killing him, but for killing in general.
So, for the sake of both of our lives, I sent out a one word message. Meds. The person who would be receiving it would understand it soon enough and he would surely come to my- well, not me personally, but the asshole speaking’s rescue.
There was a knock on the door, and I silently rejoiced that he was this quick. He was never one for patience, but then again, neither was I. That was why we got along. Well, that and he was stronger than me. That could be a life saver in even a casually conversation with me, and I mean life saver.
A girl entered the room with a note in her hand. It was a pass. Most students here could tell that by the thin slip of white paper and the green incoherent writing scrawled across it. The teacher took one look at it, scowled, and then spoke up. “Mr. Green, you are free to go. Take your stuff. I don’t’ suppose you will be coming back before class ends.” I quickly obliged once the voice in the back of my head started to scream at me to just take the stapler off his desk to shut his mouth permanently. Shut the fuck up! I screamed back at it. It just snickered in my head. God, this was getting on my nerves very quickly.
I walked out of the class to see the person I had been waiting for leaning on the lockers outside of the door. Umh, he hasn’t looked this good in a while, perfectly deadly. There was one person that could send fear into the hearts of each of these students with one look, and that was good, old Ronnie Radke. No one was better to hang out with someone in my . . . condition. I scanned his tan body, cluttered with tattoos. He wore typical skinnies that hung on his hips just right. His Metallica t-shirt showed off the defined muscles in his arms that had ink swirled all around them all the way down to his slit able wrists. Making my way up to his perfectly squeezable neck, the voice told me just the amount of pressure I would need to knock him out using the pressure point on the main vein there. I ignored it, obviously, making my way up to his smirking face. His dark eyes would look just perfect ripped out of his skull. No, stop it. This isn’t the time to think about this. Ronnie ran his fingers though his shoulder length, dark hair when he saw the internal struggles behind my eyes.
My head was snapped back in reality when I saw that girl from earlier walk up to Ronnie with her hips swaying more than necessary. With only seven tons of pressure you could snap her femur, and she won’t be able to sway those hips again. Seven tons is a lot of pressure, I replied. We could make it happen. It said back.
The girl sauntered up to Ronnie, a flirty look on her face. “Did I do good enough for you, Ronnie?” She asked with a tone that made me want to rip her vocal cords out.
“Just perfect, darling.” He purred back at her. I would really enjoy it if he didn’t encourage his many admirers. If we bash her skull five times into the lockers, she’ll be a dead admirer. I shivered at the thought of seeing her brain matter on the walls around her.
“So,” she said with pursed lips. “I’ll see you in a more private setting later than?” She asked.
“I might have to take you up on that offer.” Ronnie replied. I shot him a glare. He can’t do anything without a dick. Shut up, now!
She kissed him on the cheek before sending a glance my way and walking down the hall. I watched as her perfectly framed figure disappeared in view, ignoring the images of her stuff inside a suitcase never to be found again. This had to stop right now, I though, rubbing my temples. Ronnie pushed himself off of the lockers and walked over to me. Wrapping his arms around me and pulling me towards him, he asked me a very vital question about my sanity. “How bad did it get without them?”
“It would have been a lot better if you didn’t fucking flirt with her in front of me, you asshole.” I growled, pushing him away. He raised his eyebrow at me. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I really need my meds.”
“It’s fine, Max, nothing to worry about. I got some left over in my locker when you left them at my place once.” He explained, holding his hand out. I grabbed it before immediately letting go, not thinking of the consequences of skin to skin contact right now. Just the picture of blood running over my skin made me want to groan. All I wanted was to reach out and take a life. “Worse than I thought.” Ronnie murmured to himself. We walked quicker than before after that.
We got to his locker in record time, and he dug through the shit that was in there to find my pills. Imagine us digging his grave. The look on his face when we kill him will be priceless. Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Leave me alone, you fucking creep!
Ronnie grabbed the bottle and handed them to me. I kept fumbling with the cap, trying to get it open with the amount my hands were shaking. It would be so much easier to strangle someone, you know. Ronnie grabbed the bottle back from me, opening it with ease. He handed me two pills, and I swallowed them quickly before running to the water fountain and drinking way too much water for my own good. But, these things need to go down fast, and they needed to go down now.
I slid down the wall when I didn’t feel the effects happening fast enough. Arms wrapped around me. “Don’t.” I warned.
Ronnie didn’t seem to listen as he pulled me closer. “You aren’t going to hurt me.” He whispered into my hair.
“You don’t know that.” I replied with tears brewing in my eyes. I was so god damn sick of this. Why was I born the freak? Why not someone else? Why did I get the voices telling me to kill people? But, it wasn’t my fault I was born this way, right? Bullshit. People who say that don’t understand people like me. They needed an explanation for why these things happened, why every other day I feel like shooting up the school or going on a mass murder spree. I didn’t need an explanation. I needed it to stop. It had been two hours since the effects of my last pills let up, only two. It was getting worse every day. What would happen if Ronnie didn’t have those extras? What would I do? Let him hold me down while I tried not to kill him with my bare hands?
“Let me rephrase that, love. You can’t kill me. I think I can take you, or does the other night not remind you of that.” He smirked. I blushed, remembering how he so easily pinned me to the wall with little ability to escape on my part. What happened after that you can figure out on your own, but don’t fret if you’re too young to understand. You’ll get there, unless I kill you first of course.
“I let you win.” I murmured.
His smirk grew wider until he was daring me to defy him again. “Oh, really? It didn’t seem that way to me, but I can always show you again?”
“What makes you think I’m going to sleep with you when you belatedly flirted with that whore in front of me? You’re lucky if I give you any sex next week.” I teased.
“You would do that to me, Maxie?” He asked with fake hurt. I nodded my head with my own smirk growing upon my lips. “Well, you never said you had to consent to it.” He pointed out with a daring glare.
“Yeah,” I said sarcastically. “Like you could rape this hot piece of ass.”
“That’s exactly why I would, you hot piece of ass.” He muttered, leaning into me. I leaned in to meet him in what started out as a sweet kiss before it got a little more heated. I wrapped my arms around his neck while he moved me to straddle his lap, holding onto my hips. Our lips fought a familiar battle until his tongue ran across my bottom lip. I didn’t let him in, of course. We were just play fighting about him being able to dominate me, and I knew he could dominate this kiss very easily. He growled and bit into my lip, but I still didn’t budge. He pulled that trick once or twice. Ronnie seemed to get impatient with that quickly and ran his nails down my sides until my hips. That time, he did get me to gasp, and he slipped his tongue in. The fight for the kiss didn’t last long at all. Him being the winner. We continued to melt into each other, exploring every part of each other that was deemed somewhat appropriate for a school setting.
I jumped, pulling away from him, when the bell rang. He laughed at me slightly. We got up off of the floor before people came out of the class to see us in this awkward positioning. The more intimate times during our relationship weren’t on display for everyone else, as much as Ronnie has wanted them to be. He knows how I feel about PDA, and that means no kissing in public. But, it doesn’t seem to bother him all that much because he makes up for the lost ones in private.
He walked me to my next class. We waited outside of it for a moment, an unspoken declaration hanging in the air. “Thanks, Ronnie, for today. You don’t know how much of a life saver you are.” I told him, rubbing the back of my neck. It still irked me sometimes that I had to rely on him for something this major. I should be able to monitor my own medication intake, but he seemed to do it better than I did. And, I know for a fact that I never leave pills at his house. I make sure that I never do.
“Of course, babe, it’s what I’m here for.” He said with a smile. I couldn’t help but smile, too. I kissed him on the cheek, muttering something about not being late to class before turning to head into mine.
There were very few people I could associate with because of my secret. I’m just glad the only person that I need doesn’t give a single fuck about it because like he said, that’s what he’s here for.
It wasn’t my fault I felt this way. It truly wasn’t. I had forgotten to take my medication today, and he was getting on my nerves, telling me to do this, no, do that. His balding head was gleaming under these fake lights, making the drivel running down his face all the more obnoxious. His round stomach hit the desk in front of him while he spewed his ignorant comments at the students in front of him, yelling at me for not paying attention. He was going on and on and on about the aids outbreak in the seventies and the effect it had on the gay subculture with its devastating consequences. The occasional glances he threw my way when he spoke of how the gays were dying were making me want to let that impulse take control. He didn’t realize just how lucky he was I had self-control and self-dignity. If I finally went to jail over this fuck face, people would be awfully disappointed in me, not for killing him, but for killing in general.
So, for the sake of both of our lives, I sent out a one word message. Meds. The person who would be receiving it would understand it soon enough and he would surely come to my- well, not me personally, but the asshole speaking’s rescue.
There was a knock on the door, and I silently rejoiced that he was this quick. He was never one for patience, but then again, neither was I. That was why we got along. Well, that and he was stronger than me. That could be a life saver in even a casually conversation with me, and I mean life saver.
A girl entered the room with a note in her hand. It was a pass. Most students here could tell that by the thin slip of white paper and the green incoherent writing scrawled across it. The teacher took one look at it, scowled, and then spoke up. “Mr. Green, you are free to go. Take your stuff. I don’t’ suppose you will be coming back before class ends.” I quickly obliged once the voice in the back of my head started to scream at me to just take the stapler off his desk to shut his mouth permanently. Shut the fuck up! I screamed back at it. It just snickered in my head. God, this was getting on my nerves very quickly.
I walked out of the class to see the person I had been waiting for leaning on the lockers outside of the door. Umh, he hasn’t looked this good in a while, perfectly deadly. There was one person that could send fear into the hearts of each of these students with one look, and that was good, old Ronnie Radke. No one was better to hang out with someone in my . . . condition. I scanned his tan body, cluttered with tattoos. He wore typical skinnies that hung on his hips just right. His Metallica t-shirt showed off the defined muscles in his arms that had ink swirled all around them all the way down to his slit able wrists. Making my way up to his perfectly squeezable neck, the voice told me just the amount of pressure I would need to knock him out using the pressure point on the main vein there. I ignored it, obviously, making my way up to his smirking face. His dark eyes would look just perfect ripped out of his skull. No, stop it. This isn’t the time to think about this. Ronnie ran his fingers though his shoulder length, dark hair when he saw the internal struggles behind my eyes.
My head was snapped back in reality when I saw that girl from earlier walk up to Ronnie with her hips swaying more than necessary. With only seven tons of pressure you could snap her femur, and she won’t be able to sway those hips again. Seven tons is a lot of pressure, I replied. We could make it happen. It said back.
The girl sauntered up to Ronnie, a flirty look on her face. “Did I do good enough for you, Ronnie?” She asked with a tone that made me want to rip her vocal cords out.
“Just perfect, darling.” He purred back at her. I would really enjoy it if he didn’t encourage his many admirers. If we bash her skull five times into the lockers, she’ll be a dead admirer. I shivered at the thought of seeing her brain matter on the walls around her.
“So,” she said with pursed lips. “I’ll see you in a more private setting later than?” She asked.
“I might have to take you up on that offer.” Ronnie replied. I shot him a glare. He can’t do anything without a dick. Shut up, now!
She kissed him on the cheek before sending a glance my way and walking down the hall. I watched as her perfectly framed figure disappeared in view, ignoring the images of her stuff inside a suitcase never to be found again. This had to stop right now, I though, rubbing my temples. Ronnie pushed himself off of the lockers and walked over to me. Wrapping his arms around me and pulling me towards him, he asked me a very vital question about my sanity. “How bad did it get without them?”
“It would have been a lot better if you didn’t fucking flirt with her in front of me, you asshole.” I growled, pushing him away. He raised his eyebrow at me. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I really need my meds.”
“It’s fine, Max, nothing to worry about. I got some left over in my locker when you left them at my place once.” He explained, holding his hand out. I grabbed it before immediately letting go, not thinking of the consequences of skin to skin contact right now. Just the picture of blood running over my skin made me want to groan. All I wanted was to reach out and take a life. “Worse than I thought.” Ronnie murmured to himself. We walked quicker than before after that.
We got to his locker in record time, and he dug through the shit that was in there to find my pills. Imagine us digging his grave. The look on his face when we kill him will be priceless. Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Leave me alone, you fucking creep!
Ronnie grabbed the bottle and handed them to me. I kept fumbling with the cap, trying to get it open with the amount my hands were shaking. It would be so much easier to strangle someone, you know. Ronnie grabbed the bottle back from me, opening it with ease. He handed me two pills, and I swallowed them quickly before running to the water fountain and drinking way too much water for my own good. But, these things need to go down fast, and they needed to go down now.
I slid down the wall when I didn’t feel the effects happening fast enough. Arms wrapped around me. “Don’t.” I warned.
Ronnie didn’t seem to listen as he pulled me closer. “You aren’t going to hurt me.” He whispered into my hair.
“You don’t know that.” I replied with tears brewing in my eyes. I was so god damn sick of this. Why was I born the freak? Why not someone else? Why did I get the voices telling me to kill people? But, it wasn’t my fault I was born this way, right? Bullshit. People who say that don’t understand people like me. They needed an explanation for why these things happened, why every other day I feel like shooting up the school or going on a mass murder spree. I didn’t need an explanation. I needed it to stop. It had been two hours since the effects of my last pills let up, only two. It was getting worse every day. What would happen if Ronnie didn’t have those extras? What would I do? Let him hold me down while I tried not to kill him with my bare hands?
“Let me rephrase that, love. You can’t kill me. I think I can take you, or does the other night not remind you of that.” He smirked. I blushed, remembering how he so easily pinned me to the wall with little ability to escape on my part. What happened after that you can figure out on your own, but don’t fret if you’re too young to understand. You’ll get there, unless I kill you first of course.
“I let you win.” I murmured.
His smirk grew wider until he was daring me to defy him again. “Oh, really? It didn’t seem that way to me, but I can always show you again?”
“What makes you think I’m going to sleep with you when you belatedly flirted with that whore in front of me? You’re lucky if I give you any sex next week.” I teased.
“You would do that to me, Maxie?” He asked with fake hurt. I nodded my head with my own smirk growing upon my lips. “Well, you never said you had to consent to it.” He pointed out with a daring glare.
“Yeah,” I said sarcastically. “Like you could rape this hot piece of ass.”
“That’s exactly why I would, you hot piece of ass.” He muttered, leaning into me. I leaned in to meet him in what started out as a sweet kiss before it got a little more heated. I wrapped my arms around his neck while he moved me to straddle his lap, holding onto my hips. Our lips fought a familiar battle until his tongue ran across my bottom lip. I didn’t let him in, of course. We were just play fighting about him being able to dominate me, and I knew he could dominate this kiss very easily. He growled and bit into my lip, but I still didn’t budge. He pulled that trick once or twice. Ronnie seemed to get impatient with that quickly and ran his nails down my sides until my hips. That time, he did get me to gasp, and he slipped his tongue in. The fight for the kiss didn’t last long at all. Him being the winner. We continued to melt into each other, exploring every part of each other that was deemed somewhat appropriate for a school setting.
I jumped, pulling away from him, when the bell rang. He laughed at me slightly. We got up off of the floor before people came out of the class to see us in this awkward positioning. The more intimate times during our relationship weren’t on display for everyone else, as much as Ronnie has wanted them to be. He knows how I feel about PDA, and that means no kissing in public. But, it doesn’t seem to bother him all that much because he makes up for the lost ones in private.
He walked me to my next class. We waited outside of it for a moment, an unspoken declaration hanging in the air. “Thanks, Ronnie, for today. You don’t know how much of a life saver you are.” I told him, rubbing the back of my neck. It still irked me sometimes that I had to rely on him for something this major. I should be able to monitor my own medication intake, but he seemed to do it better than I did. And, I know for a fact that I never leave pills at his house. I make sure that I never do.
“Of course, babe, it’s what I’m here for.” He said with a smile. I couldn’t help but smile, too. I kissed him on the cheek, muttering something about not being late to class before turning to head into mine.
There were very few people I could associate with because of my secret. I’m just glad the only person that I need doesn’t give a single fuck about it because like he said, that’s what he’s here for.