I Know The Way You've Been Living

I can’t believe how fast time flies. In two days I’ll be leaving California to begin my life in New York. Well, the actual school year wont start until three weeks from now but my mom had suggested that I would settle in early to familiarize myself with the area and the people. She did that because in my 18 years of life, I have never been to New York.

All my books and drawers are packed; I put down all my posters from the wall and right now I’m picking out clothes that I want to bring to New York. I don’t know whether I’ll be coming back to California to stay in the future or not, but with all this drama that went on I don’t really think that I’ll be coming back to stay. Sure I’ll come home for holidays and such, but I’m really considering making New York my new home.

“Hey” I turned around to the familiar voice coming from the doorway. Brian

“Hey, what’s up?” I put down the top that I was holding onto the bed.

“Nothing, just wanted to say ‘hi’, are you all set for New York?” He looked around my room, noticing the four bare walls and the empty dresser.

“Yeah, I’ve packed everything I want to bring and now I’m just sorting out some clothes” I moved my arm around as a gesture.

“That’s nice” He nodded and shoved his hands into his pocket.

Oh come on, Brian.

“Come on, what is it? People don’t just come visit to ask whether I’ve finished packing or not” I chuckled, and surprisingly so did Brian.

“Yeah, busted” He rubbed the back of his neck nervously. “I just have one thing on my mind, after this I swear I wont annoy you anymore, Mel”

“Hey hey, you’re never annoying, Brian” I gave his arm a squeeze. “What is it? Just tell me” I smiled reassuringly.

“I just need to know… Did you move to New York because of me? I know I’ve caused way too many shit since we’ve gotten close and I just wanted to know. Cause if it is because of me, I don’t think I’ll be able to live with myself–“

I cut him off with a hug before he could finish blaming himself for everything that has happened. I hugged Brian for a few seconds then I let go and I took a step back.

“What was that for?” He looked at me puzzled.

“So you can shut up cause none of that is true. Well I mean, you did cause shit load of drama, but that’s not why I’m moving” I smiled at him.

Well, maybe a bit

“Oh I’m so glad to hear that and I am really sorry for what has happened these past few months, I really didn’t mean to hurt you or make your life complicated in any way” He said, giving me a weak smile.

But you did

“I guess I just wanted to set everything right before you go” He took my hand and squeezed them.

Honestly, I was faking everything I said. It’s not easy at all standing in front of him acting as if everything is okay when it’s not. I know it would kill him if I leave with tension still between us, and it kills me even more the fact that I will be leaving Brian.

I know I’ve denied everything I felt for that guy, but whom am I kidding? I’m just as crazy in love with him like he is with me. I know that I am but I also know that I’m just setting myself up for a heartbreak if I give him the chance.

“It’s fine Brian, let’s just forget it all and move on, shall we?” I faked a smile and continue sorting out my clothes.

“Yeah. Look” He grabbed my hand and spun me so I was facing his direction. “I know you don’t feel the same way that I do and I don’t think that you ever will. So how about this, let’s just be best friends? Like the way things were before this whole thing happened?” He held out his hand for a handshake.

It broke my heart into a million pieces when he said that, because I do feel the same way. But instead, I faked a smile again and greeted his hand. “Deal!” I shook it. “Best friends for life”

He smiled warmly and gave me a quick hug. “Well I better go downstairs then, you can finish packing now”

I smiled and nodded, he walked towards the door but then he spun around.

“But just so you know Mel, I’ll always be waiting for you” He smiled and walked out, down the stairs.

I stayed quiet. I clutch on my blue Hurley t-shirt tightly and sank onto the floor as tears started streaming down my face.

You did the right thing, I kept saying to myself over and over. But even I know that my decision is only going to make both of us hurting inside.



I hate this.

Can I just press the rewind button and redo everything again? I hate this.

Today is the day I’m moving to New York, everybody is going insane downstairs making sure that everything is set and by ‘everybody’ I meant Zacky and my mom. They’re double checking everything, calling the guys and the girls to make sure they come on time, while I’m just here sitting on the floor of my bedroom rocking myself back and forth.

I was wrong.

I didn’t want to move to New York, now that it’s finally happening I just realized that I was just being overly dramatic about the whole thing and moving to New York is now beginning to sound like hell.

I was so certain and positive about my choice of moving to New York, I feel like a second chance and a fresh start is what I needed. But now I realized that I was caught in the moment from all the drama and I thought that I needed an escape from all this. Now I’m stuck with the fact that I’ll be living away from my mom, Zacky and everybody who actually gives a fuck about me.

“Hey there bug, whatcha doin’ here alone?” My head shot up when I heard Zacky’s voice coming from the doorway. He leaned on the doorframe and was holding his Ray ban Wayfarer.

“Just taking one last good look before we go, I’m going to miss this place” I gave him a false smile, God knows how close I was to bawling like a little girl.

“I’m going to miss having you around Mel, that’s for sure. But I know you’ll do just fine in New York, you’re a Baker! We’re made out of steel, unbreakable” He walked towards me, and then took a seat next to me cross-legged.

“You know steels are breakable right?” I chuckled and Zacky followed, he threw his arm around me and pulled me close.

I inhaled his scent deeply, then out of nowhere I felt a trickle of tear fell down my cheek. I tried holding it back but the more I tried, the harder it gets.

“Hey, are you okay?” He turned to face me, looking concerned.

I tried to throw in a laugh to stop my tears, but it’s not working. “I’m just going to miss you a lot. Who else is going to make my life a living hell by being famous?” I smiled and he engulfed me into a bear hug.

“Don’t cry Mel-Bear, we all will miss you so fucking much and yes, I’ll probably the only one who’s going to annoy you by being famous” He chuckled, eyes red and he sniffed back the tears that were threatening to fall.

“Hey guys, we’re all ready” I looked up and I saw Jimmy standing in the doorway with his hands in his pocket. He looked glum as fuck.

We both nodded and stood up; I straightened my t-shirt and freshen up in the bathroom while Zacky went down with Jimmy. I walked back into the room, stared at it for a while then I turned off the lights.

I walked downstairs and I saw everybody there. And this time I meant everybody. The guys including the Berrys were there, the girls including Michelle were there too and none of them looked happy.

“Are you ready Honey? Do you still need anything?” My mom came towards me and rubbed my back.

I shook my head and grabbed my backpack. “Let’s go, I don’t want to rush to at the airport,” I mumbled quietly.

My mom nodded and soon everybody was piling into Zacky’s, Brian and Jimmy’s car. I sat in the front in Zacky’s car and my mom sat in the back with my entire luggage. I spent the whole ride there being quiet and just stared into space, I guess it’s just how life works right? I think it’s the universe’s way of telling me that once I made up my mind about something I have to get through with it.

And now I have to get through about moving to New York.

“Hey, we’re here. Why don’t you go inside and I’ll park the car” Zacky nudged my elbow and I nodded.

My mom and I took out my suitcases from the trunk and went inside the airport, just before the x-ray section. In about 5-10 minutes, the guys and the girls came in through the sliding doors, walking towards where my mom and I were standing.

“Well, it’s now 12:45 and your plane will board at 2. I think you should go check in and get settled inside” Zacky gave me my ticket and passport. I took it unwillingly.

“Alright” I mumbled, gosh this is so awkward.

Then out of nowhere Jimmy jumped forward and drowned me into a bear hug, almost knocking me down onto the floor.

“I’ll miss you so much Mel-Bear, I’ll really really really really fucking miss you. I swear things wouldn’t be the same without you” He hugged me really right, I stopped holding back my tears and let it fall down my cheeks.

“Promise me we’ll talk every single day, video chat and whatever you can think. Okay?” He cupped my face and shaking my head softly in his arms, his eyes were red and honestly this is the first time I’ve seen Jimmy cry when he’s sober.

I nodded and sniffed, “Promise Jimbo, pinky promise” I held up my pinky and he did the same.

Johnny was next in line; he was holding something behind his back and just like Jimmy, his eyes were read from holding back his tears.

“Come here shorty” He gave me a tight hug and as he hugged me, I could feel something fluffy on my back.

“Here, this is for you” He gave me a teddy bear that’s wearing a black t-shirt that has a deathbat printed on the front and ‘Mel-Bear’ on the back. “If you forget me, this bear will come to life and eat the fuck outta you” He grinned and I couldn’t help but to grin back.

“Don’t worry short shit, I will NEVER forget you” I hugged him again and let go. “Thank you guys for coming to day to see me off, I promised myself that I wouldn’t cry but hell, I don’t give a shit anymore” I threw a laugh and everybody chuckled.

The girls were full on crying now, well except for Michelle, I walked up to each of them and gave them a long and tight hug. Leana and Lacey made me promise to come home for my birthday so they can throw me another birthday party. Val, being the mom of the group, made me promise that I wouldn’t forget to eat, have fun and do well at school.

After a long hug, I stepped back and I looked at Brian. He was staring at me with a blank expression, his eyes were watery and he was breathing shakily. I stepped up to him and smiled, trying to get his attention.

“Hey, don’t cry” I rubbed his arm, he was caught off guard but then a smile crept to his face.

“Psh, me? Crying? No way” We both chuckled. I tiptoed and leaned forward to give him a hug.

“I’m gonna miss you Mel, I seriously will” He hugged me tighter, I was crying like a waterfall when he did.

We hugged for what feels like eternity, when we pull apart he gave me a sweet, sincere smile and took my arm. He opened my palm and he gave me a black 8 GB flash drive.

I looked up to him puzzled; I was about to say something when I felt a tap on my shoulder, I put the flash disk on the outer pocket of my backpack and I turned around. It was Zacky’s turn to say goodbye.

“Hey, I know we’ve had our goodbye back home but another hug wont hurt right?” He smiled, really trying to hold back his tears.

I jumped into his arms, hugging him like there’s no tomorrow. I know I’m not moving to another country, I’m literally a plane flight away. But it’s not just me moving, I’m leaving behind my family, I’m moving on and starting a new life in a city that I’ve never been. I know they’ll all be there whenever I need them, but I know it’s not the same.

“I love you Mel-Bear, don’t you forget about me okay?” He tightened the hug, I was suffocating a bit but I didn’t want to ruin the moment.

“Promise” I smiled, I let go and wiped the tear from my face. I smiled looking at my mom, she was also holding back tears but I know she was just sad seeing everybody’s reaction since she’s coming with me to New York to help me settle in.

“Alright, we really need to go guys” Mom smiled sadly, I nodded and said goodbye for the last time. I picked up my backpack and pushed the cart towards the x-ray machine. I gave up holding back my tears; I let them fall rapidly like a waterfall as soon as I passed the x-ray machine. I didn’t even bother to look back to where the guys were.

I walked head down, with a hood over my head, leaving my family behind.



Brian’s POV

I stared blankly at the road, I had dropped Johnny and Lacey home and now I’m just driving aimlessly around town. I didn’t realize that I was gripping the steering wheel too tight until I felt my hand starting to numb. Slowly, I let tears stream down my cheeks and by the time I reached the beach, I was already bawling like a little girl.

I know that no matter what I do, this will be the end. There is nothing I can do other than to wait and wait until I get to see Melanie again. But deep inside I realize that it’s useless, because I know that she’s never coming back to me.