Somewhere in Neverland

There’s nothing better than a lazy day off. Something about the ability to lay in bed until the middle of the afternoon is empowering.

There haven’t been many days where nothing is expected of me in the past few weeks. Sure, there have been days that I’ve laid in bed until 4:30 pm, but those days usually ended in stressful and rushed prep for the shows. But today is one of those longed for days where I can do whatever the fuck I want to and don’t have to answer to anybody – except Caroline – and it’s a good, relaxing feeling.

Goosebumps rise all over my body as Caroline walks her fingers up my chest slowly; her naked body tucked protectively under my arm and pulled close to my body.

“What’re you doing?” I adjust myself so I can get a better look at her and she looks up at me with a lustful look in her eyes.

She bites her bottom lip seductively before rolling over to nip my collarbone in a playful manner. This girl just doesn’t stop.

“I’m tired,” I whine when she climbs on top of me, settling herself just above my waist.

“C’mon, Alex,” She says, placing a trail of kisses from my neck, down my torso, to my most sensitive areas. “There’s time for sleep later.”

I’m physically exhausted. Caroline is in performance shape and has the stamina for multiple rounds in bed, but after a long morning going at it, I don’t know if I can physically pull it off.

Lucky for me, her phone rings and she groans as she rolls off to grab it off the nightstand.

“Hey, Livvy,” She says, but the smile on her face quickly contorts into a look of sheer panic. “No, wait – Liv, I can’t understand you,” She wraps the sheet around her body and stands up, pacing back and forth quickly. “Olivia, Olivia, Olivia! Calm down. I can’t help you if I can’t understand you.”

I shoot her a questioning look, but she shakes her head and turns away.

“Olivia, don’t listen to it – no, go into your bedroom and shut the door. Stop, you don’t need to hear that. Go into your room, shut the door behind you, and turn on the TV or some music,” She instructs and the tone she uses gives me a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. “Livvy, I’m so sorry.”

I can hear Olivia’s sobs from across the room and it’s completely heart wrenching. She was a baby the last time I saw her, but even then she didn’t cry like this. She had always been so quiet and mild-mannered. I know time can change people and everything, but it just doesn’t seem like Olivia to be this upset about something. Whatever it is, it has to be bad.

“Where is everybody else?” Caroline asks urgently. “Why are you the only one home? No, call someone to come pick you up, Olivia. You are seven years old; you don’t need to be put in the middle like that.”

The words are too muffled for me to be able to make anything out, but there’s a desperation in her voice that makes me want to jump on the next flight to Hawaii and cradle her in my arms. I never got to know Olivia like I did Eliza and Victoria – she was much too young – but I still feel a strange connection to her as if she’s my long lost sister or something.

“Call Kyle or Bryson, even,” Caroline’s hand is placed firmly against the doorframe for support. “Liv, if I could come home right now, I would. I hate that you guys have to go through all of this without me, but I can’t just leave. I have an obligation here.”

Her statement catches me off guard; it’s the first time in all the 18 years I’ve known her that she hasn’t dropped everything to go take care of her sisters. She’s always taken her role of big sister very seriously – to the point of blowing off other plans to make sure they were safe and sheltered from their dysfunctional home life. It used to really piss me off, but as I’ve grown, I’ve realized just how admirable it was on her part. She worries about them because she doesn’t want them to become jaded and calloused like she has, but this seems oddly out of character.

The Caroline I grew up with and fell in love with all those years ago wouldn’t let something like a tour commitment come in the way of her younger sisters’ well-being. She would merely tell us that family came first and foremost and if anybody said anything that defied her stance, she’d kindly tell them they could suck her dick. I can only hope this is the Caroline that will emerge from this because things back home in Hawaii have slowly been falling apart over the past few weeks.

“Livvy, when I hang up with you, I’m literally going to call Bryson and Kyle, okay? You call Eliza and Victoria if you think that’s less weird, but regardless of who comes to get you, you need to get out of that house. You’re too young to have to play witness right now; it’s not okay,” She sighs and hangs her head low. “I love you, too, okay? Don’t forget that.”

She doesn’t turn to face me before she dials another number and waits impatiently for an answer. It rings a few times before someone picks up.

“Are you with Eliza?” Caroline asks immediately. “Do you know where she is?”

She listens intently to the deep voice on the other end of the line and taps her finger nervously on the doorframe.

“Is there any way you’d be willing to pick up Olivia from the house and just hang out with her for a bit until someone can get ahold of Liza? My parents are evidently in the middle of a screaming match and she’s having a panic attack,” My heart stops. I know how scary panic attacks can be, but to be seven and all alone, I just can’t even imagine. “Thank you so much, Kyle. I owe you big time for this.”

I’m already up, fastening the button on my pants by the time she hangs up the phone and turns to face me. Instead of worry, she looks confused and I can’t understand why.

“What are you doing?” She asks.

“Taking you to the airport,” I explain as I pull a shirt over my head.

She shakes her head and the creases in her forehead only further her confusion. “I’m not leaving this tour, Alex. I can’t do that to my band mates.”

“But what about your sisters?” I press, trying to find some sort of misunderstanding. It’s not like I want her to leave – hell, that’s the last thing I want – but I know it’s what’s right and I know it’s what needs to happen here.

She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes tightly, fighting a demon deep within herself. The way her voice quivers in response lets me know she’s made her mind, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. “I need to stop coddling them. They’re never gonna learn how to deal with their problems if I always swoop in and pretend like it’s not happening.”

“Your parents are getting divorced,” I remind her. “There’s a nasty custody battle in the making and your sisters are caught up in the middle of it. This is a time to swoop in and play protector, Caroline. They need you right now.”

“Who are you to tell me what my sisters need?” She asks in disbelief. “Last time I checked, you were the baby and didn’t have any grounds to base this decision on. They’re my sisters and I know what’s best for them. So please just drop it.”

I know any fight I have with Caroline is going to end badly, but something about these circumstances gives me courage to stand up to her. Her sisters’ well-being is worth a few days of tension between the two of us, especially because I know it’s what’s best for everybody in this situation.

“I’ve known you for 18 years, Caroline. In those 18 years, you’ve never let anything keep you from protecting those little girls,” She crosses her arms and rolls her eyes, but something about it seems forced. I know she knows I’m right, but her stubbornness will never allow her to admit that. “Your sister just called you in a fit of panic from Hawaii. She didn’t call Eliza or Victoria, she called you even though you’re an ocean away. You’re the only one who can provide the support they need right now, but you’re too damn stubborn to see that.”

“I don’t need this, Alex,” She says, picking her shirt up from the floor. “I haven’t seen you in seven years and yet for some unknown reason, you think you know me?”

A fire ignites somewhere deep within me, informing me of an upcoming argument I won’t back down from.

“God dammit! It hasn’t been seven years, Caroline. Hell, it’s barely been six months. Yeah, remember Warped Tour in San Fran? Stop trying to repress those memories,” I growl. “The sooner you accept those nights happened, the sooner we can get past this. You keep using those seven years as an excuse to push me away, but we both know it’s because you’re a fucking coward.”

“Why don’t you say how you really feel, huh?” She’s pulling her skinny jeans up her legs roughly; her disheveled hair falling into her eyes with the jerky movements. “You needed those nights, too. Don’t even try and pretend they were solely my idea. You willingly participated.”

Fights with Caroline always end up on tangents that have nothing to do with the point at hand, but I’m so furious I don’t even try and bring it back on course.

“I never said I didn’t want those nights to happen! Fuck, San Fran was always a highlight of the tours because I knew you’d be there,” She rolls her eyes again, which only pisses me off more. “But you keep saying that you’re not the same girl you were when you left Baltimore and I fucking understand that. But you’re not a different girl than the one I met up with in the parking lot at Warped Tour this past summer. You’re still the same stubborn, pig-headed, big-hearted girl I shamelessly fucked in a bathroom at Warped. That’s someone I’ve known for a while, so hell yes I have the right to tell you what I think is best for you. If I didn’t care, I’d sit here and pretend this is what you really thought was right, but since I do, I’m gonna fucking fight you on this.”

“Casual fucks don’t exactly give you grounds to claim you know me,” She grabs her phone and shoves it in her pocket. “I was desperate for male attention and you happened to be the one that gave it to me. That’s all those nights were.”

Her words hit me like a dagger. I want to think they’re just the product of her anger, but it gives me doubt about us; about everything that’s happened between us.

“I’m gonna go,” She informs me and I don’t even try to stop her. I simply sit on the edge of the bed with my head in my hands and question why the fuck I love her so much.