Somewhere in Neverland

I don’t think I’ve ever been so thankful for the ability to curl up in the comfort of my own bed and cocoon my body in the familiar blankets.

I left Seattle on an angry whim, informing my band mates I’d catch up with them tomorrow in San Francisco for the show, but neglecting to tell anybody else where I was headed. Honestly, I debated getting on an airplane to Hawaii and never looking back, but I knew I couldn’t do that to my band mates. We’ve worked too hard and too long for me to back out now. So I settled for a flight back to the Bay area for a much needed night at home.

There’s a soft knock on the door before it cracks open and Mama Savage pokes her head inside the room.

“Can I come in?” Her voice is lacking its usual humor and has instead picked up on its rare formed worried mother tone.

I don’t tear my eyes from the soft blue walls, but nod to acknowledge her question. She makes her way cautiously to the bed and sits down next to me, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder.

“What’s going on? This isn’t like you to be so withdrawn from everything.”

Despite her age and all the hardships Mama Savage has faced in her lifetime, her face is still soft and kind, somehow void of the wrinkles and bags most people would have gotten from everything she’s been through. The small, reassuring smile on her face is comforting and it’s enough proof to know she’s not trying to give me a hard time. She’s just a worried mama.

“My sisters keep calling me with their problems from home,” I explain. “And I can’t keep letting their problems hold me back from living my life.”

“So you and Alex are having problems?” She expertly infers and I nod slowly. I’m blown away by her ability to decode with such little detail, but she’s learned through much experience with her own four kids how to piece together stories with very little information. “What happened?”

“He told me to go to Hawaii and I told him to fuck off,” I say. “I don’t like it when people pretend they know me well enough to put their own two cents into my decisions.”

“Pride is a powerful thing, Caroline. You need to be careful that it doesn’t get the best of you,” She says, locking her eyes with mine. “Maybe Alex is just worried about your family because he cares about you and doesn’t want you to get hurt by this.”

I feel bad for how I treated Alex earlier, but I was so put off by the balls it took for him to stand up to me like that, that the words sort of just came out without second thought. Alex is someone that’s extremely important to me and I’m terrified of losing again, but it doesn’t mean that I condone him butting into my family’s business like that, either.

“The nerve it took, though-”

“Caroline, you’re gonna learn through trial and error that love is fucking hard. You’re gonna fight. You’re gonna wanna kill each other at points, but at the end of the day, nothing feels better than being able to cuddle up next to the one that you love the most and putting all the petty bullshit behind you. I’ve never met Alex, but I know from what Luke tells me that the boy fucking adores you.”

I pity Mama Savage. She’s one of the greatest women I know, but life has been nothing but hard on her. Even though she puts on a strong front and pretends that the past few years haven’t been hard on her, I know they have and it’s starting to wear on her.

“Mark and I used to fight all the time and I used to get so worked up about it. Some days I legitimately thought I hated him, but I’d give anything to have those days back,” She says. “Even on the days when nothing seemed to go right, I never doubted that we were soul mates. He was my best friend and was therefore willing to tell me things I didn’t necessarily want to hear because he knew it was what was right. I’m not saying Alex was necessarily right in saying that you should go back to Hawaii, but I don’t doubt that that’s what he thinks was right. Otherwise he wouldn’t have pushed you.”

Gracie, Luke’s 12-year-old sister, pushes the door back slowly and walks in, unsure if she’s welcome or not.

“Hey, baby,” Mama Savage says, turning her attention to her only daughter. “What’s up?”

“Nothing,” Gracie’s tiny voice is refreshing after being on the road with 20+ loud bastards for the past two and a half weeks. “I just wanted to see Caroline.”

I lift up the covers and pat the empty space next to me. She quickly complies and climbs into bed, melting into my side before we both turn our attention to her mother.

“Looking back on my marriage, I regret a lot of the stupid fights Mark and I had,” Mama Savage continues. “But in the end, it made us appreciate each other even more. It built character and made us stronger because we got through it. Don’t run from your problems, Caroline. In the end, it’s just gonna hurt even more.”

I’m not sure I know how to respond. Gracie’s muscles tense at the mere mention of her father’s name and my heart aches for her. Mama Savage and Mark had one of the strongest, most loving relationships I’ve ever played witness to. Not only did they raise their four children in a loving and supportive environment, they welcomed me into their home when I had nowhere else to go. I witnessed a few small arguments here and there, but at the end of the day, they never went to bed angry at each other. They always made up before they flicked off the lights and crawled into bed because they knew that every new day was a privilege and not a right.

“The day I got that phone call was the hardest day of my life,” She closes her eyes and clenches her hands close to her heart. “Him being taken away from us so abruptly made me wish we wouldn’t have fought so often. It made me wish that I could have a do over where I could have caved and let him be right. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices and sometimes you have to hear things you don’t want to hear. It’s all a part of being in a relationship.”

Gracie’s arms wrap around my torso tightly and her fingers dig into my skin like she’s holding on for dear life. She’s very much a little sister to me, so it’s no surprise that I feel the instant need to console and comfort her because I can tell where this conversation is going.

She was seven when her father died. His death was sudden and unexpected and I know Mama Savage has lived these past five years with regrets about how she treated him in the weeks leading up to his death. Gracie wasn’t too young to not remember the day and she still struggles to come to terms with her father’s death, too.

“I don’t even know what I’d say to him,” I say finally. “I’m not leaving. We’ve put in too much effort for me to leave them now.”

“Don’t be a pussy bitch,” Mama Savage’s usual demeanor returns. She’s not afraid to say it like it is, which is one of the reasons I respect her so damn much. “Just say, ‘Look, I know that’s genuinely what you thought was right, but it’s not what I thought was best in this situation. So please respect my decisions and leave it at that.’ It’s a lot easier than you think it is.”

The look on my face must tell her that I’m not in the mood to talk to him tonight, because she leans over Gracie to kiss my forehead before making her way to the door. There, she turns around and sighs.

“Maybe you just need a night to sleep on it, but please don’t let him slip away again,” She offers a small smile. “There’s dinner in the kitchen and a Savage family movie night if you’d like to join.”

She closes the door behind her, leaving Gracie and I alone in silence. Having her so close makes me yearn for my sisters’ company, but I know deep down that everything will be okay. They’re strong and resilient little fighters that I’ve trained from the time of their birth. Alex doesn’t know what he’s talking about when he says that they need me, but maybe Mama Savage is right. It doesn’t hurt to tell him that I’m sorry for the way I spoke to him earlier, but it won’t change my decision on staying.

Gracie’s stomach growls unhappily, breaking the silence. We make eye contact and neither of us can hold back the laughter that happens.

“I guess that means it’s dinner time,” I announce and she nods in agreement.

We both climb out of the large bed and make our way downstairs to the kitchen where the rest of the family sits. We slip into the two empty chairs quickly and gratefully take the plates from Mama Savage’s hands.

“Long time no see,” Finn says. “How’s life been without me?”

“Considering I have your other half with me 24/7, I’d say it’s about the same,” I say playfully. “If I put Luke in front of a mirror, it’s like you’re right there with us!”

“Hey, now, I’m no reflection. Just because we’re identical twins doesn’t mean we’re the same person.”

“You’re right, Finn; I’m sorry. You and Luke are very, very different people.”

Dinner is full of small talk about the tour and life at home. Rhys, the quietest of the bunch, informs me that he’s made the varsity hockey team for the school as a sophomore, which doesn’t surprise me. The kid has a talent and it’s about damn time someone besides his family notices it. He’s always been the quiet kid at school who’s struggled to make friends, despite his good looks and extreme athleticism, so I’m glad he’s branching out. Finn announces he’s on course to graduate a semester early from UC Berkeley, which he only found out earlier this week, while Gracie eats dinner silently.

Once we all finish and the boys help their mother clear the dishes off the table, we migrate to the family room to watch a movie. I adjust myself comfortably on the sectional and allow Gracie and Rhys to snuggle close to me before tucking a blanket around us.

“What movie, mama?” Finn asks, eyeing the pile of Netflix movies on the ottoman.

“Garden State,” She announces, making herself comfortable before Finn slips the disc into the DVD player and makes his way to the couch.

The TV casts playful shadows on the walls of the dimly lit room as Gracie drifts off to sleep early on in the movie. I look around the room and can’t help but feel at home with a group of people who’ve adopted me as their own and I realize I’m the luckiest girl in the entire world; not only do I have an amazing dad and five sisters back home in Hawaii, but I’ve found a mother in Mama Savage and have gained three brothers and another sister in the process.

I smile and close my eyes, soaking in all the peace and happiness of the tranquil scene.

--

“One-thirty?” I ask, leaning over the passenger’s seat to lock eyes with Gracie.

She throws her backpack over her shoulders and nods with a grin. “Right here.”

“See you then, Gracie,” I say as she turns towards the large brick building before disappearing inside the large doors.

I’m supposed to meet up with the boys this morning, but when I look at the clock on the radio, I notice that I still have almost two hours to kill before then. The car has a mind of its own and I find myself meandering down the familiar side streets towards the downtown area where I can only hope to find a quiet place for a little bit.

I parallel park and feed the meter a few quarters and wander down the empty street, shoving my hands deep inside the pockets of my North Face. The late October air whips my cheeks harshly and I’m thankful for the Starbucks that seems to manifest itself out of nowhere.

A pleasant old man holds the door open for me on his way out. I make sure to thank him on my way in and am greeted by a blast of warm air.

The shop is surprisingly empty, so when I step up to the counter, a young man immediately takes my order.

“Can I have a tall pumpkin spice latte, please?” I hand him a five dollar bill and wait patiently for my drink.

“Caroline,” A girl announces, placing the cup on the counter before I can grab it.

“Oh my god, Caroline?”

I turn to meet a pair of piercing blue eyes and immediately want to run out of the coffee shop. His sharp features never cease to render me speechless, but the last time I saw them, I told him to never speak to me again.

Without a second thought, I grab my cup and turn towards the door.

His unwelcome footsteps tell me he’s following me, but I rush towards my car in the hopes he’ll leave me alone.

“Caroline,” His voice beckons, but all I want is to turn around and slap him across the face. “Come on, Caroline. This is ridiculous. You could at least say hi.”

I turn abruptly and am caught off guard by his close proximity. “Fuck off, Wyatt. I told you I never wanted to see you again, so please just leave me the fuck alone.”

“Caroline, come on, baby,” He steps closer to me and no matter how much I beg my feet to move, they won’t cooperate. They’re glued to the ground stubbornly. “You can’t deny this,” He leans in slowly and closes his eyes. Move, Caroline! Move your fucking legs. Hit him. Do something! It’s too late because his lips meet mine and his arm snakes its way around my waist and I allow it for a moment, too caught up in the moment to fully understand the extent of it all.

“This is wrong,” I pull away quickly. “I have a boyfriend, Wyatt. I told you to leave me the fuck alone.”

“By the way you just kissed me back, I’d say you’re second guessing that,” He plants his lips aggressively against my own, but this time I won’t allow it and I pull back and slap him hard across the face.

“I meant what I said. Don’t fucking touch me. I don’t ever want to see your face again, so don’t try and contact me.”

I turn and walk confidently towards my car, but once the doors are locked, I break down and allow the tears to well in my eyes and fall freely down my rosy cheeks. My fingers fumble aimlessly to unlock my phone and I dial the first number that comes to mind. My head falls forward and comes to rest against the cold steering wheel as sobs wrack through my body.

“I’m sorry,” I sob, aggressively wiping my mouth with the sleeve of my jacket. “I didn’t mean what I said yesterday.”