Somewhere in Neverland

I never wanted brothers. Something about their obnoxious testosterone driven male bravado really put me off. Lucky enough for me, each time my parents popped out the next, they always managed to come with a vagina and my stamp of approval.

Yet somehow I find myself surrounded by nine of the most revolting male specimens I’ve ever encountered, about to embark on a six week tour around the country.

Something about moving from city to city seemed oddly familiar and inviting and I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to tour with my band mates, my brothers, and my best friends. Besides, it meant the opportunity to get our name out there, to maybe make something out of this whole band thing – to stop relying on YouTube and other bullshit means to shamelessly throw our name around.

“Is it weird for you?” Theo asks from across the table. His eyes quickly meet the checkered tablecloth and I can’t help but notice how much his face still resembles that of a small child.

I nod slowly and chew on the carrot stick in my hand, wondering what the hell I got myself into this time.

Seven years ago, I left Baltimore for the last time. I was seventeen years old and madly in love with a boy I had befriended when I was the shy new girl in first grade. When I left Baltimore for the first time, there was a lump in my throat I wasn’t used to. I was eleven years old and had never felt a connection with any place I lived in before, but I had become attached to Baltimore and a certain boy there – a boy by the name of Alex Gaskarth.

“You gotta network one way or another,” Luke says, tossing his phone down onto the table and sitting next to Theo. “Thank god your sexcapades finally worked in our favor.”

He winks in an attempt to lighten the mood, but even his rare formed kind spirit isn’t enough to do it.

When Alex asked our band to tour with All Time Low I wanted, with every fiber of my being, to be able to say no. I was offended, to say the least, in the beginning. Why would he put me in that situation? Our history is too painful to think about, but to be on tour together for six weeks just seemed unbearable. But the boys somehow managed to talk me into agreeing, pointing out the reality of everything that touring with All Time Low could bring to our band. It didn’t help that Samson and Theo have perfected their puppy dog pouts and guilt tripped me into agreeing to this shit.

“Don’t worry, Caroline,” Mama Savage says from her place in front of the stove. Her hand is on her hip and she’s stir-frying vegetables for the dinner she’s agreed to host for everyone’s families tonight. “If it makes you feel any better, I give you full permission to beat this kid’s ass whenever you feel like it.”

She points to Luke, who looks genuinely offended his mother would say something like that, but she just smiles and laughs a kind hearted laugh.

“You know, mama, I’m starting to think you like Caroline better than me,” He pouts, crossing his muscular arms across his chest.

“That’s because she does,” Theo interjects before adjusting his snapback over his shaggy brown hair. “She always wished you had a vagina.”

“Did I come at a bad time?” I hear the familiar voice and my head whips around to find the owner. He’s standing cautiously in the entryway of the kitchen and I hop off the stool and jump into his arms, instinctually.

“Dad!” I exclaim. “I thought you couldn’t make it!”

He shakes his head and smiles. “Like I could miss sending you off on your first tour. Don’t be crazy, McGee.”

Ever since my mom’s job demanded the family be relocated to Kauai eight months ago, our family hasn’t been the same. I refused to leave Palo Alto, leaving full responsibility to my younger sister, Eliza, to hold down the fort. Things have been rough since then, it’s resulted in unneeded turmoil in our relationship, but it’s what I needed. I’d been forced to say goodbye so many times, but I’d run out of goodbyes.

“So you couldn’t convince mom to let the girls miss a few days of school?” I ask, disappointed I won’t be able to see them before I leave.

He shrugs and does his best to hold back a smile and I can hear a giggle from around the corner. I raise my index finger to my lips and tiptoe slowly around my dad and peak my head around the corner.

“Surprise!” My sisters yell in unison. All five wear smiles, even Eliza in all her bitterness, and I’m mauled in a rush of hugs before I can object.

My god, they’re big. It’s only been a few months – I spent a few weeks over the summer in Hawaii – but it seems like they’ve grown so much since then. I can’t imagine what they’ll look like the next time I see them. They’re gonna be goddamn grownups.

“Please stop growing up, you mutants,” I say, leading them back into the kitchen that has filled considerably in the last few minutes.

My dad looks pleased with himself and I know it was no easy feat to convince my mom to let him take my five younger sisters to California with him.

“No mom?” I ask, knowing what the answer is going to be.

“Work,” He shrugs his shoulders, but the disappointed look on his face lets me know he didn’t give up without a fight.

This band has never been something my mom approved of, so it was foolish of me to even hope a little bit that she’d come around and support me. God forbid she supports something that was my idea first. This has never been the route she saw me taking, which thank the fucking lord, doesn’t matter because it’s my life, not hers.

“Guess what, sissy?” My youngest sister, Olivia says, latching her hand on mine and swinging it back and forth enthusiastically. Her giant brown eyes look up expectantly to me and I can’t help but hate myself a little for missing so much of her short seven years of life. She’s become a little lady, a real human being that talks and has thoughts, but in my mind I can’t remember the time in between her infancy and now.

“What, Liv?”

“I made two new friends at school!” She smiles and I notice she’s missing a bottom front tooth. I’m such a shitty sister. “They’re names are Iolana and Leilani and they’re not even brother and sister. I made two friends all on my own!”

“Wow!” I say, remembering the difficulty of moving from state to state and trying my best to make friends, but at the same time not become too attached to them, either. “Good job, Livvy. I’m impressed!”

“But everyone else hates Hawaii,” She says, matter-of-factly. “They just want to move back to California.”

I nod and look to my four other sisters. Eliza is engrossed in a texting marathon, her 17-year-old teen angst is apparent in her body language. I’m sure she doesn’t want to be at some goodbye party for me tonight and I don’t blame her. I’d love to spend time with her, but I know she just wants to see her friends right now. Georgia and Natalie have migrated over to the group of kids closer to their own ages and are living it up in a group of familiar faces, but Victoria remains isolated from the group.

“What’s up, Vic?” I ask, noticing the sadness in her eyes.

She shrugs her shoulders. “I don’t know,” She sighs and I can tell she’s trying to hold back tears. “I guess it’s just hard being back here, you know? Like, I want nothing more than to be back here with everyone all the time. It’s hard seeing you here and knowing that you had the option to stay. I don’t want to live in Hawaii and I don’t like knowing that it’s not gonna be the last time we move, either.”

“Trust me, I know.”

“Caroline!” My attention turns to Luke, who’s clearly had a few beers. He’s holding a guitar in his hand and a stupid smile is spread across his face. “Acoustic time!”

“No!” I whine. “We have six weeks for acoustic time!”

He cocks his eyebrow at me and tosses the guitar to me. I catch it quickly, secretly cursing his carelessness and stand up.

“Are we really doing this right now?” I ask and he nods. “Then where’s everybody else? I’m not doing this alone.”

“Samson! Ian! Russell! Theo!” He yells and goes to find them. Leave it to Luke to get drunk at a family gathering. I’m not even against getting drunk, because I do it quite frequently, but I guess I have some form of standards.

Theo is the first one to be corralled into the living room where a crowd has gathered after hearing we were apparently performing. I wouldn’t expect anything else. Theo is the most easy-going and least defiant one in the group. I’m not entirely sure how he got suckered into joining the band, just because he’s so polar opposite of everyone else, but his quiet, brooding boyishness definitely adds something special to the group that the girls seem to enjoy.

He drums quietly on the arm of the loveseat and waits patiently for the others to join.

Ian is next to find his way in, followed closely by Russell and Samson who are shoving the remnants of sandwiches into their mouths.

“How did this happen?” Ian asks, knowing full well this whole performance thing was Luke’s idea.

“Luke Savage is drunk, that’s how,” Theo answers, continuing his quiet beat.

“Makes sense,” Russell laughs, his green eyes glinting in the light of the room.

After a few moments, Luke wanders back into the living room and admires the crowd that has gathered. Even though everyone in the room is family, he acts as though none of them have seen us perform before.

“What do you guys want to hear?” Samson asks.

There are a few moments of silence before a general consensus.

“Riley’s Arrow,” Otto, our drum tech answers for everyone.

It’s an obvious choice, being our oldest song and the one that hits closest to home.

It’s not necessary for everyone to participate in our acoustic sets, but we’ve made it a point to always include every member of the band in every performance. So I plug my bass into the amp and sit down on an ottoman and wait for Samson to nod his head to signal his readiness.

Once he nods, I begin plucking the strings in rhythm and find myself tapping my foot to the music.



As Samson’s voice trails off and the music ends, the room goes silent. Even though it’s just family and they’ve heard that song a million times, the reaction is the same as it was the first time.

Russell’s mom still cries and I know it’s a mix of the song and the fact that we’ve finally caught a break, but tonight her tears are more numbered. The song still holds that same special meaning to Russell’s younger sister, Riley, who he wrote it for when their dad left and she spiraled into a deep state of depression. And to everyone else, it still shows our growth and dedication to the band. It was the first song we ever wrote that anyone took seriously, so it holds a special place in all of our hearts.

For the rest of the night I try and spend as much time with my extended family as possible. Much of it consists of dirty jokes, extremely competitive games of Just Dance, laughing, drinking, and quality family time. Around 11:30 everyone wishes us luck and says goodbye because we have an early morning tomorrow.

Once everyone has left, Mama Savage gives each of us a hug and kiss goodnight and tells us she knows we’re going to kick ass and take names on this tour.

“Please get this dipshit to bed soon,” She says, referring to Luke who is on the verge of passing out. “He’s going to have a rough day tomorrow as it is.”

Ian and I help Luke up the stairs to his bedroom and I unlace his shoes before Ian allows him to lay down entirely.

“Good night, douchebag,” I say to his passed out figure, flicking the lights off.

I lay in bed for hours tonight, thinking about my life for the next six weeks. We leave bright and early tomorrow for tour – a tour that includes Alex Gaskarth. As much as I miss him, I hate to re-open that chapter of my life. I’ve grown up a lot since then; I’m no longer the insecure new girl I was in first grade. I’ve moved on.

I think.