Somewhere in Neverland

Caroline’s never had the greatest luck with guys. She’s one of those people who’s just naturally gorgeous and radiates a “fuck you, I’ll be who I want to be” vibe, but she’s always struggled to maintain healthy relationships with men. It’s one of the first things I learned about her when we met freshman year. She was the inconsiderate, bitchy roommate who had plenty of male friends spend the night, but none of them ever resulted in anything more. I tried my absolute best to be a loving and supportive friend. I’ve just found that it’s hard to sit by and watch my friends make destructive decisions and that’s what Caroline is doing right now.

Alex has this ability to make Caroline the happiest I’ve ever seen her. I knew it from the first trip we took to San Fran back in 2006 when All Time Low was just starting out and the two of us were still getting to know each other. For some reason beyond me, Caroline trusted me enough to tell me about her history with Alex and to keep our trips a secret. Even back then, even before we knew everything about each other, I could tell he was her soul mate. The way they look at each other and the way she acts around him makes it blatantly obvious to everyone but her. I mean, I know she knows, but she’s too damn stubborn to ever admit it. Hell, I don’t even think it’s her stubbornness; I think Caroline is too damn afraid to admit it to herself.

“What’s the ETA for stage time?” She eyes me in a way to tell me she isn’t interested in what I have to say. There are dark bags under her eyes and she’s slumped against the wall in defeat.

“Ten minutes,” It’s a little bit harsher than I mean it to be, but she needs to know that I’m as hurt by everything as she is. She’s my best friend – my sister – and it hurts me to see her hurt like this.

This isn’t how tonight was supposed to go. Tonight Feral Amity is playing their first homecoming show and everyone’s family is here to see a kick ass show. It’s supposed to be one of those nights that’s laid back and full of family love and hometown pride. Instead, it’s a tense and awkward night where everyone is trying their best to avoid bringing up the elephant in the room.

“Noelle, I’m sorry-”

“No,” I say, slamming my hand down on the amp in front of me. The loud boom startles both of us, but I’m too frustrated to even care. “Don’t tell me you’re sorry, Caroline. I’ve been here for you through thick and thin. You’re the sister I’ve never had. I fucking love you, but I’m not the one you’re hurting. You’re hurting yourself and you’re hurting Alex! The only boy I’ve ever seen you actually care about. But I don’t want to talk about this right now. I want you to go out and play a fucking kick ass show and then I want to talk to you, okay?”

She looks stunned, but I merely turn around and walk away, determined to find something else to keep my mind occupied.

I need a fucking drink. I determine and find myself sitting at the bar with my head in my hands. This isn’t how this was supposed to be. I’m only here for a week before I go back home to Seattle. Who knows when the next time I’ll see any of these people will be? We’re supposed to be cherishing our time together, but it’s fucking hard.

“Noelle?” I turn to find the voice and I’m met with a pair of dark brown eyes.

“Marcus!” I say, standing up and immediately flinging my arms around his muscular body.

“Didn’t peg you for an All Time Low fan,” He winks before taking a seat next to me.

“I’m not,” I elbow him, playfully. “I’m here to see my best friend perform.”

“Funny, I thought she was my best friend.”

I laugh and shake my head. “No, your best friend is Squid. We determined this fact years ago. You know, when we were freshman and then again as sophomores and then again as roommates junior and senior year.”

“Man, it’s been so long; I think I must have forgotten.”

His sarcasm hits me where it hurts most. For four years, Marcus was a daily part of my life. We met him freshman year when he lived across the hall from us. Back then he was the hunky black boy on our floor who just so happened to be one of California’s best running backs they’d seen in years. Our friendship literally began when he found out we had a griddle and could make a mean grilled cheese, but it became so much more than that. Marcus and his roommate Squid became our family and the two guys on our floor that Caroline didn’t manage to sleep with.

“I fucking miss you,” My eyes meet his and he nods slowly. “I miss my brother brown bear.”

“You gotta come down here. What’s there for you in Seattle anymore, anyways?”

“Nothing,” I whisper and suddenly find something very interesting about the design on my glass of beer. “There’s literally nothing there for me.”

Marcus catches onto the underlying tension in the atmosphere and wraps a protective arm around my shoulder, but leaves me to my thoughts. My attention turns to the adorable scene playing out in front of me.

“What does that switch do?” Gracie sits next to Jeff at the lighting table and pays close attention to everything he does. Her best friend, Rosie, who’s Ian’s 11-year-old sister, stands close by as the crowd roars in anticipation for the beginning of the show.

“That switch is the power button,” He doesn’t seem at all fazed by their curiosity, instead glad someone is showing real interest in his craft. “If you flick it off, everything on stage goes off.”

I smile at the lack of effort it takes for him to entertain the girls, whose parents are sitting in the balcony, unaware of any drama going on backstage.

I just can’t help but notice the absence of Caroline’s family.

“Do you ever wonder if Caroline’s upbringing is the reason for all her madness?” I ask out of the blue. Marcus looks slightly taken aback, but not offended.

“I mean, yeah. Her mom walked all over her dad so that’s the only thing she’s ever seen. I think because of that, she has unrealistic expectations of how she needs to treat a man and has unrealistic expectations of how a man should treat her,” He stops for a minute and fiddles with his drink. “She’s a special girl and she deserves someone who’s going to treat her right, but needs to treat them right, too.”

Before I can respond, the lights get dim and the crowd goes wild as Feral Amity hits the stage.

“So this is what Caroline does with her life,” Marcus wears the goofiest smile I’ve ever seen on his face. “Such a rockstar.”



Despite my mind being everywhere but where it should be, we played an awesome show tonight. When I walk off the stage, I’m on an adrenaline rush, but my heart immediately sinks when I remember the talk Noelle wants us to have.

Noelle is my best friend. She’s been there for me through thick and thin. She’s seen me at my worst and accepted me despite all my faults. She provided moral support for me every time All Time Low came through town and encouraged me to do what made me happy, so I shouldn’t be nervous to talk to her. She is, after all, my same sex life partner, but I find myself trying to avoid talking to her.

“Noelle’s looking for you. I think she wants to talk to you,” Rian says, eyeing me while he drums a soft beat on the arm of the couch. He pauses momentarily and looks as if he’s debating saying something else. “I kinda want to talk to you, too. You’ve been weird lately.”

I cross my arms across my chest self-consciously and nod my head slowly, biting my bottom lip to hold back the tears. Rian is that go-to guy who’s just easy to talk to. He has this supportive, understanding way about him and it’s hard not to feel safe talking to him.

“You want to talk?” He asks quietly after a moment of silence.

All it takes is a nod and he stops drumming and sits down on the floor, crossing his legs and pats the floor across from him. I sit down, facing him and suddenly find myself at a loss for words.

“What’s going on, bud?” He breaks the silence once again and I allow my eyes to leave the carpet and meet his. His eyes are full of worry and I don’t know what I even need to say to him right now. I just know that Rian is level-headed in times of trouble and is always a good person to talk to.

“Alex and I had a fight,” My voice is small and unsteady and Rian only nods his head.

“Ah, I see,” He answers. “Why’s that so upsetting? You and Alex used to fight all the time. It’s just what you guys do.”

My eyes meet the textured ceiling tiles as I fumble over the words trying to escape my lips.

“My ex-boyfriend kind of, uh, he tried to kiss me,” I explain and Rian’s face contorts into misunderstanding and slight disgust. He doesn’t say anything, so I continue. “Actually, he um, he did kiss me. I didn’t want it to happen, nor did I initiate or support it. I pulled away immediately, but it happened and I don’t know what to tell Alex.”

“Wow,” He’s dumbfounded and speechless, but he quickly pulls himself together. “Tell him exactly what you just told me. If it wasn’t your fault and it really was your ex-boyfriend, just tell him that. He’s far from perfect and he’s cheated too many times to count. I know it’s you and that makes it different and kind of worse, but fuck it, Caroline; you two are perfect for each other.”

“I don’t know what to say to Noelle,” I toy with a strand of fabric hanging off my shorts and silently plead with him for help.

“I’m sure she just wants what’s best for you. Be a big girl and go figure out your shit with Alex and then talk to Noelle. That’s honestly what’s going to make everything easier. Once you figure your shit out with Alex, everything will be fine,” He assures me.

“Thanks, big brother,” I say as he stands up and hoists me to my feet. He wraps his arms around my neck and pulls me close, allowing me to lace my arms gratefully around his abdomen.

“No problem, baby sister. Now go fight for your man,” He says as he pulls away. “He’s sulking in the tour bus.”

I don’t have to be told twice and manage to throw on a sweatshirt before slipping past crew members and curious family members to find my way out to the bus. Luckily there are no straggler fans outside and I’m in the clear to make my way onto the bus.

The front lounge is empty, so I make my way towards the back, but find it empty as well.

“Alex?” I say cautiously as I pull the curtain on his bunk back slightly.

“What’s up?” His voice is monotone and not at all like him.

I bite the sleeve of my sweatshirt anxiously as my heart beats rapidly in my chest. “Can we talk?”

“You gonna run again if you hear something you don’t like?” His words cut like a knife.

I shake my head. “No.”

He pulls himself out of his bunk and adjusts his pants slightly before leading us to the back lounge where we sit awkwardly across from one another.

“What did you want to talk about?” He asks, his eyes staring straight into my soul.

I shake my head slightly and fight back my pride. “I was wrong, Alex. You were right; I should go be with my sisters. They do need me, but I can’t fathom leaving my band and it scares me that I may have to at some point.”

He doesn’t say anything, but the scowl on his face lessens the more and more I speak.

“It scares me that I may have to leave you, too,” I whisper, averting my eyes from his. “I’m sorry I got so upset with you the other day. I got defensive and took it out on you and I shouldn’t have.”

“You push away everyone who tries to show you they care about you, Caroline,” He finally speaks, but his voice isn’t full of anger or bitterness. Instead it’s full of sadness and sorrow. “I try so hard to stand behind you and your rash decisions, but sometimes you need to listen to other people. Sometimes you make the worst fucking decisions possible and I can’t stand to see you hurt everyone around you.”

“I’ve fucked up so many relationships in the past, but I don’t know what I’d do if I fucked this one up,” Tears start to fall as I force the words from my lips. “Earlier I went into town after I dropped Gracie off at school and I ran into my ex-boyfriend, Wyatt. He somehow always manages to show up in my life at the worst possible time. He kissed me, Alex, but I promise he did it before I could realize what was happening. If I would have known he was going to kiss me, I would have walked away before he had the chance, but it happened and I’m fucking sorry.”

The expression on his face is some sort of mix between surprise, anger, disbelief, and forgiveness. “You promise, me? You promise me you didn’t kiss him?”

“I promise,” I choke. “He’s always been the guy I turn to when things get bad; he’s the one that’s managed to swoop in and be a hero when I need one most, but he’s not you. I don’t want him to be around when things get rough between us. I want to fight with you and be grown up enough to resolve it without running away like I always do.”

“Okay,” He says, simply.

“Do you forgive me?” I ask through my tears.

“I forgive you,” He stands and walks over to me, placing his hands on my cheeks, and kisses me slowly in the best way possible.