Somewhere in Neverland

These past few days have flown by in the company of our families and it’s upsetting that tonight is our last show in California. Despite being surrounded by familiar faces, it’s been rough without my own family around. I’m thankful for the Savages, who have all but adopted me as their own, but there’s something unsettling about my dad and my sisters not being here.

“What’re you thinking about?” Sam asks, sitting down next to me on the couch in the backstage lounge, letting his hand grab my knee reassuringly.

I watch Bam chase after his two giggling toddlers and yearn for my sisters’ presence in my life again.

“My sisters,” I admit, wiping the sweat off my forehead with the back of my hand and will myself to find his eyes. “I wish they could’ve been here these past few days.”

“Soon,” The way he says it gives me a glimmer of hope that my mom will somehow allow my dad to travel all the way from Hawaii to Maryland with my five younger sisters. The chances of that happening are slim to none, especially factoring in how much school the girls would be missing. “Don’t think too far into it; whatever will be, will be.”

“Thanks Samson,” I say, returning my gaze to Bam and his kids. I haven’t seen such a genuine and happy smile on Bam’s face since before we left for tour and I know having Zoe, Micah and Willow here is both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, he’s gotta be happy to see his family, but on the other, it’s gonna make it that much harder to leave again. It’s one thing to say goodbye to your parents and siblings for six weeks, but to miss out on six weeks of his kids’ lives at such an imperative stage in life seems impossible.

“Scoot your butt over,” Josh says, squeezing himself between me and the arm of the couch suddenly. John throws himself down on the back of the couch and strokes my head in the most awkward way possible, warranting me to jump up and glare at him as he slides easily into my spot.

“This is horse shit,” I cross my arms over my chest and silently curse them both. “I hate you guys.”

They smile triumphantly and give each other a high five as I stick my middle finger up at the two of them and turn to find Noelle. I don’t have to go very far because her, Jess, and Russell are huddled around Russell’s laptop in the corner, engrossed in something that’s evidently very funny.

Russell spots me and motions for me to join, so I squeeze in between him and Jess and attempt to get caught up on the episode of Raising Hope they’re watching. I lean into Russell’s side and he wraps his arm around my shoulder, making me want nothing more than to close my eyes and go to sleep. Despite the noise from the crowd as All Time Low plays their set, there’s a calmness backstage. It’s almost as if it’s the calm before the storm. I can’t explain it, but something in my stomach tells me that shits about to go down tonight and it freaks me out.

Ian makes his way into the crowded room, running a towel through his damp hair as he searches through his duffel bag for a t-shirt. His girlfriend, Jana, made the 3 ½ hour trip from Arroyo Grande to see the show tonight and it’s put it in perspective how hard these past three weeks away from home has been on everybody.

“Jana, how’s life been?” Noelle loses interest in the episode and turns her attention to the blonde sitting at a table near the door.

“Same old, same old,” She sighs, flicking something off the table. “Work is work, you know how it is. Being an adult sucks sometimes, especially with him being gone for so long. Things get lonely around the apartment.”

Russell closes the lid on his computer and we all turn our attention to the conversation. Noelle nods her head slowly, obviously agreeing about the loneliness of adulthood.

“Tell me about it,” She says. “I still live in Seattle even though my parents moved to San Luis Obispo a few years back and all my friends live in California. Loneliness is the hardest part.”

“Are you still with Brody?” Jana asks.

“Naw, man. He turned out to be a douchebag like everybody said he would. Should’ve listened to you guys,” She shakes her head and laughs. “I guess you guys really do know best.”

“Well, we all know you pretty well,” Jana points out with a wink. She’s got a genuine smile plastered to her face and a friendly glimmer in her eye.

I’ve known Jana since my senior year when I moved to California. Back then I was stubborn and pig-headed and refused to make any friends, but it doesn’t mean nobody tried. Jana sat next to me in AP Calculus and AP Physics and did her best to befriend me my first few days there, regardless of my standoffish attitude and extreme distaste for social interactions. I especially didn’t want to become friends with the blonde head cheerleader who was dating the most popular boy in the school, yet somehow I wound up in a band with said boy and I became friends with the valedictorian head cheerleader who I’d previously written off as dumb and ditzy.

Ian wraps his arms around Jana’s neck and kisses the top of her head sweetly before scrunching up his face in deep thought as his eyes wander the room.

“Where’s Theo?” He asks suddenly.

My eyes scan the room frantically. Bam and Zoe are cuddled together in a loveseat whilst their toddlers cause fake chaos with their “Uncle Ro-Ro”. Miller lay face down on the ground, maybe sleeping, maybe planking. Samson, Josh, and John lay sprawled out on the couch with towels over their faces, doing whatever they damn well please while Stephen and Otto derp around the room aimlessly.

“Who knows?” Russell shrugs carelessly. “He’s a big boy; I wouldn’t worry too much about it.”

But I do. That feeling in the pit of my stomach tells me something is wrong and I pry myself out from Russell’s grasp and fight my way to my feet, determined to go find him.

“Is he maybe showering?” Noelle suggests as Luke enters the room. He’s wrapped in nothing but a towel and his hair drips with water.

“Who?” He asks, digging through his bag for a pair of boxers and some shorts.

“Theo,” Ian interjects immediately.

Luke shakes his head. “Haven’t seen his since we played.”

“I’m gonna go check out by the bar,” I announce, warranting a worried look on Ian’s face.

“I’ll go with you,” He says, reluctantly letting go of Jana and following me out into the madness.

The roar of the crowd is almost deafening as All Time Low jumps around on stage during Jasey Rae. I momentarily meet Alex’s gaze and offer a small smile as he waves slightly before turning to scout out the area. We search thoroughly for Theo, but can’t find him anywhere. Waves of panic flood through my entire body as butterflies enter my stomach. They’re not the good type of butterflies, either. They’re the anxiety butterflies.

“He’s not stupid enough to wander off on his own,” Ian concludes after we shove our way through the crowded bar area once more. “He’s gotta be around here somewhere.”

“Maybe he’s outside,” I yell over the noise as Ian takes my hand and leads us toward the entrance to the venue. Security gives us uncertain looks, but we ignore them and make our way towards the busses. It doesn’t take much to find him sitting on the curb with his hood up and his head down.

He must hear us coming because he wipes his face before he looks up. Even under the dim streetlights I can see his tear streaked cheeks and puffy eyes.

“Wanna talk about it?” Ian asks, cautiously taking another step towards him.

Theo shakes his head slightly. “I can’t be in there.”

“Why not?” I ask, crouching down in front of him to meet his eyes with my own.

He wipes his cheeks with his sleeve and stares right through me. It’s not like him to get so worked up about things and I’m genuinely worried.

“My dad had the fucking nerve to show up tonight,” He says, kicking at the ground slightly. His eyes meet the ground again and my heart sinks. I’ve never met the man, but from the stories I’ve heard from Theo and his two older sisters, I can tell he was never anything more than a sperm donor to them. “He walked out on my mom without so much as a note and leaves her with their two kids and his kid from a previous relationship and then expects to waltz back into our lives when it’s convenient for him? No, that’s not how life fucking works.”

“No, you’re right,” Ian sits down next to him and wraps his arms around him in a protective older brother kind of way. “He shouldn’t be here tonight and we’re gonna make him leave, Theo. You don’t deserve this; you’ve worked hard for this experience and nothing should be ruining this for you, okay?”

“I can go fuck him up if you want,” I shrug my shoulders slightly, which warrants a small laugh from both boys. Ian is clearly the one that should be dealing with this situation.

“Nah, I don’t want you to go to jail,” Theo says, wiping his eyes one last time. “He’s not worth it, as bad ass as that’d be.”

I stand up and extend my arms for him to take my hands and hoist him to his feet.

“Chin up, kid. You have so much to be proud of and you don’t need to let a sad sack like that asshole in there get you down, okay?” I grab his chin authoritatively and point a finger in his face. “You’re so much better than that, TJ,” I kiss his forehead quickly and lead him by the hand back up the steps of the venue. “Deep breath, chin up,” I remind him as we slip past security.

I walk in first with Theo right behind me as Ian takes up the rear, both with an unspoken agreement to keep an eye out for the douchebag. Theo must spot him before me or Ian because he tenses up and squeezes my hand tightly. I squeeze back reassuringly and keep fighting through the crowd, trying to get lost in the masses. Even still, Alex’s eyes find my own with a worried look. I give him a thumbs up and he nods slightly, understanding that I’ll explain everything later.

“I can’t do this,” Theo whimpers, pressing himself up against me as we continue to fight through the crowd to the backstage area.

“Yes you can,” I reiterate, moving quicker towards the door to safety.

Ian splits off once we make it to the door and finds his way to the front of the stage, whispering something into a buff security guard’s ear. I usher Theo through the door quickly and take one last look over my shoulder to see the security guard motioning towards Theo’s dad before saying something into the walkie talkie clipped to his polo.

I close the door behind me and marvel in the safety of the room. People take notice of the weird tension and eye me questioningly, but I merely shake my head and silently plead for them to ignore it for now.

“All taken care of,” Ian announces upon entering the room, destroying the possibility for the others’ curiosity to not get the better of them.

Josh raises his hand slowly and eyes me with silent curiosity. “Josh, put your goddamn hand down, asshole.”

He does as he’s told and returns his attention to John and Stephen who’re thoroughly engrossed in a thumb war, probably trying to determine who the better brother is again.

Things are awkwardly tense and quiet the rest of the night, the only sound coming from All Time Low’s set and the occasional squeal from Micah or Willow, but even they catch onto the solemn mood and behave like angels.

“Alright, something’s gotta give,” Samson finally says. “I suffer from chronic, unmedicated ADHD and can’t stand this silence shit. What the fuck is going on? May I speak? May we all speak?”

“No one ever said you couldn’t,” Ian answers before I have the chance and it’s probably a good thing. He’s always been the mature and level-headed one of the group, where I’m the one with the sharp tongue and can’t be held reliable for anything that comes out of my mouth.

Otto eventually wanders over to Theo and pulls him aside, checking up on his cousin to make sure he’s okay. Part of me understands why he’s so upset and can sympathize with how much this has affected him, but part of me questions if he’s even slightly glad that his dad has shown any interest in him. I can’t put myself in his shoes entirely because my mom never formally walked out of my life, but she did emotionally check herself out of everything. I’ve always hoped that one day she’d change her mind and wind up at one of our concerts or at one of my sisters’ dance recitals, but I don’t know how I’d feel if she showed up after not speaking to me for nearly six years.

“What’cha thinking about?” Roland flops himself down next to me and allows his arm to wrap around my neck.

“Leaving California again,” I lie, not wanting to bring up everything that’s happened with Theo tonight. “It’s gonna be so hard.”

“Tell me about it,” He nods and I lay my head on his shoulder. “Bam’s gonna cry tonight when he has to say goodbye to them,” He motions over to Bam, who’s still glued to his wife’s side while they watch their kids run around in circles, giggling maniacally.

“You cried saying goodbye to your mom and your sisters yesterday,” I nudge him lightly in the ribs, playfully.

“Touché,” He laughs and hangs his head low in shame. “Big changes are coming your way, ya know? This tour could mean huge things for you guys.”

“Us,” I correct him. “You’re as much a part of this band as I am, regardless of how big of a bitch you are. We wouldn’t be where we are today without you, Bam, Miller, and Otto.”

“Were those kind words coming out of Caroline McGee’s mouth?” He asks loudly. “Guys! I think Caroline just complimented me! I never thought I’d see the day that happened!”

“Shush!” I giggle, smacking him in the arm. “I don’t like recognition for that shit! That was a moment of severe filter failure. Sometimes it just happens and I can’t control it. I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.”

We talk for a while longer before we hear the crowd go wild as Dear Maria, Count Me In begins blaring through the speakers, letting us know we’d better start getting our shit together. I pull myself from the couch and begin collecting my things from around the room, shoving it all into my duffel bag.

Alex enters the room and meets my gaze with a smile on his face. He wraps his arms around me and sighs happily.

“Ya done well tonight, sir,” I say, meeting his lips in a soft kiss. “But you’re sweaty and smelly.”

“You’re not so clean yourself, ma’am,” He counters quickly. “Perhaps we should make off to the shower for some fun times?”

I shake my head slowly; weary of all the eyes on us. “Not tonight,” I stand up on my tip toes and kiss the pout on his face. “Too much is happening tonight. I promised the boys earlier that we’d all put on our footie pajamas, cuddle up in the van, and watch inappropriate movies like the mature adults we are.”

“See, that could just as easily be done in my bed,” He whispers in my ear before kissing my temple. “But if you insist on a rain check, you better make it up to me tomorrow. And seriously, you’re showering tonight. You really do smell.”

He drags me towards the bathroom as I mouth apologies to everyone in the room. I can hear Jack and Rian’s complaints that they’ll have to wait to shower since I’m in there, but I ignore them as Alex strips his clothes carelessly.

“You’re so hairy,” I note, taunting him as I run my fingers up and down his chest before turning away from him to strip my own clothes off and tend to the water temperature. His hands slide around my waist and pull me close as he kisses my neck sweetly. “I really can’t tonight, as much as I’d like to,” I say, turning around to place my hands on his chest. “They’re all waiting for us, Alex.”

“Let ‘em wait,” He has a rebellious smile plastered to his face.

I lean up and kiss him one last time before turning to find the shampoo and motion for him to hold his hand out. He complies and I squeeze a dollop in his hand before doing the same and lather it into my hair.

“Your determination is endearing,” I laugh when he presses himself up against me to stand under the water while I’m rinsing the soap out of my hair.

“What? I’m just trying to rinse my hair,” He tries to make himself look innocent, but his true intentions show through. “It’s not my fault you’re hogging the water.”

“Alexander,” I give him a stern look and he relents a bit. “I love you, but your junk is all up in my business right now and I’m trying to shower quickly so the boys can get in here tonight, too.”

I finish rinsing my hair and step aside to let him do the same as I lather my body in men’s body wash because it’s apparently the only kind we brought in. Once he’s done rinsing his hair I step back under the water, thankful for the warmth it brings, and rinse myself off. After he’s done the same, he turns off the water and we grab towels to wrap up in.

“Finally!” Jack jumps off the couch as soon as the door opens and I roll my eyes at his overly dramatic reaction.

“We were literally in there for ten minutes,” I defend myself. “And if you all must know, we didn’t have sex because, believe it or not, sometimes we have self-control.”

“I refuse to believe that,” Miller says and I flip him off as I dig through my bag for my clothes.

Jana looks slightly confused, but Ian whispers something in her ear and she nods and laughs a little bit. I can only assume it was something about my sexual tirades with Alex, which would explain why she’s wiggling her eyebrows at me with a smirk on her face.

“Fuck you, Ian!” I storm back into the bathroom with my hands surprisingly empty of real clothes and slam the door behind me dramatically.

I dry off and slip on a pair of lady boxers and a purple sports bra, cursing myself for storming out of the room before I’d grabbed everything.

I hang my head in shame as all the boys make cat calls at me and find my pajamas in the mess of my bag. After successfully clothing myself, Flyzik grabs my shoulder and turns me around to face him.

“I thought we’ve talked about the necessity of clothing,” He jokes and I haul off and punch his shoulder without holding back any strength. “Ow, fucker!”

“Can we leave now?” I ask, finding my way over to the couch where John and Brian sit, bored out of their minds. “I’m hungry and low!”

John laughs and nudges me with his elbow. “Remember when we met and you were stuffing your face with everything in sight?”

I think back to when we first met, but all I remember is that I was low as fuck. “Remember that one time I explained to you that sometimes I don’t remember things when I’m super low? Don’t be offended that I don’t remember meeting you.”

“Blame it on the ‘betes,” He winks.

“Blame it on the fucking ‘betes,” Brian sings. “Dude, we should write a song like that. We say it enough.”

The crews work to load the vans while the rest of us goof off until the boys get out of the shower. We’re about to leave when Bam says he’d like to say something to everybody and my stomach turns as a lump forms in the back of my throat. His nervous behavior makes me feel sick to my stomach and I know what’s coming.

Everybody sits quietly with all attention on him as he paces in front of the group with his eyes fixed to the floor. Finally he stops and shoves his hands deep within his pockets and looks us all in the eyes.

“So, uh, this is really hard for me to say,” He stops and shakes his head. “Um, these past few weeks have been really great and I’m so thankful for this experience, but, uh, um, I think this is where my journey ends,” It’s dead silent and everyone stares in disbelief. Bam’s eyes well with tears as he shakily continues. “Being home for the past few days has made me realize how homesick I’ve been recently and I can’t fathom missing any more of my kids’ lives.”

Once everyone gets over the initial shock of his announcement, we all nod in agreement that this is what’s best. If he’s struggling on the road and constantly homesick, then I understand why he’s come to the conclusion that he needs to stay behind in California. It’d be selfish for any of us to tell him otherwise.

“I love every single one of you guys and you’ve all made these past three weeks so memorable,” He continues after collecting himself. “And I don’t know how to properly thank you for everything I’ve gained from this experience, but I feel I owe something to everyone on this tour.”

It’s rough giving Bam a goodbye hug tonight. I didn’t think tonight would be the day I said goodbye to him – hell, I didn’t even know I’d have to say goodbye to him – so it’s hard not to let the tears happen.

At the end of it all, we’re all so emotionally drained we apologize to the fans that we’re not up for signings and head to the busses immediately, completely forgetting about our planned movie night. I’m sandwiched between Samson and Theo in the back row of the van and mentally kick myself in the ass for not taking Alex up on his offer earlier. They both pass out almost immediately, but I lay awake for hours and think about how different the road is going to be without Bam’s wise and all-knowing ways.

These next three weeks should be interesting.