Somewhere in Neverland

The sun peeks through the curtains unwelcomed at such an early hour, deciding it wants me to be awake and enjoying its presence.

Now that my eyes are open, they refuse to stay closed, despite the heaviness of my eyelids begging me for a few more hours of rest. I know it’s not worth the effort to try to go back to sleep, but I can’t pull myself out of bed either, so I snuggle deeper into Alex’s chest and wait patiently for him to wake up.

It doesn’t take long before his eyes are open and he’s somewhat aware of his surroundings. His hair is adorably disheveled and his lips pull into a small smile when he sees me watching him.

“Good morning,” His voice is full of sleep and he allows his eyelids to close for a few moments, debating whether or not he wants to be awake right now.

“Good morning,” I whisper back, hoping he’ll find enough willpower to stay awake to keep me company, but be equally willing to cuddle in bed until Flyzik sends his threatening wake up texts.

He tightens his arms around my waist and pulls me even closer to him. There’s a tightness in my muscles and as much as I enjoy our close proximity, I can’t ignore the throbbing and sore feeling I have all over.

“You okay?” He has a worried look on his face and all I can do is nod slightly and hope he can’t see through my façade. “You sure?”

I bite my lip, trying to force myself to allow my face to contort into anything but pain.

“Can we just lie here all day?” I ask quietly, walking my fingers up his bare chest. “I don’t want to get out of bed.”

“I’d love that,” He laughs lightly and kisses the top of my head. “We’ll see how Flyzik feels about that one, though. He might come in here and drag our asses out of bed.”

“I’d beat his ass if I wasn’t so tired,” I do my best to ignore the aches and pains that happen every time I make even the slightest movement and hope that I’m not coming down with some sort of bug. That’s the last thing I need right now. Alex laughs, obviously unsure of my ability to take on Flyzik in a fight, but I’m too tired to even be slightly offended. “This makes me happy,” I breathe out after a few moments of silence take over our soft chatter.

“What does?”

“This,” I say simply, shrugging my shoulders like it should be obvious. “Cuddling with you.”

We lie in silence for a while. I fight the idea that something isn’t right the entire time, trying my best to enjoy the time with Alex without letting anything get in the way. When he finally decides he needs to pull himself out of bed to prepare for the long day ahead, he kisses my forehead quickly.

“You are clammy as hell,” He puts the back of his hand against my forehead. “Do you feel okay?”

I shake my head pathetically and fight the sudden wave of nausea that’s threatening to empty the contents of my stomach right here.

“Aw, Caroline,” He lies back down next to me and wraps his arms protectively around me. Despite being clammy and covered in sweat, I’m freezing. It probably doesn’t help that I’m in a sports bra and my underwear, but even Alex’s body heat coupled with the thick comforter isn’t enough to warm me up. “How don’t you feel well?”

“I’m achy and sort of feel like I need to throw up,” My voice is small and feeble and he looks at me with worry. “I’m a big girl, though. You need to get ready; I’ll be fine.”

Reluctantly he pulls himself away from me and nods before heading to the bathroom. Although there’s nothing I’d rather do right now than be cuddled into his side while watching a stupid movie, I know he can’t swing a lazy day because he has responsibilities and duties to his band mates and his fans. I could be that selfish girlfriend that puts my wants before his, but I refuse to do that. Not to mention that I hate being taken care of.

He takes his time in the shower, the entire time I try to choke back the lump in my throat that leaves an acidic taste in my mouth. My body has not been friendly to me this tour. First my knees, now whatever this is. My dad would be interested to know I’ve stopped taken my daily multi-vitamin and this is probably some sick lesson I have to learn because karma is a bitch.

“How you doing, lady?” I didn’t even notice he’d come out of the bathroom, much less crawled onto the foot of the bed.

He lies down on his stomach close to my legs and watches as I struggle to roll over and prop myself up.

“Crappy,” I sit up against the headboard and immediately regret the decision. My discomfort must be pretty evident because he sits up and motions for me to come closer. I crawl haphazardly towards him and he pulls me onto his lap. “Ow,” I whine and he whispers his apologies as he kisses my forehead. I lie my head on his shoulder and let him cradle me against his body.

“Safe to say you’re not playing tonight?” He asks, cautiously.

As much as I don’t want to go on, I know I have to at least try. I can be miserable for a little bit in the best interest of the band and the fans.

“I don’t know,” He gives me an incredulous look like I’m out of my mind for even suggesting I’d go on in my current state. “I’m tough. I can deal with this kind of stuff.”

“Says you,” Alex chuckles, jarring my muscles as his body shakes lightly. “You’re not exactly in the most convincing position right now.”

“I just like cuddling you,” I point out innocently, but know he’s right. My dad used to hold me in a very similar way when I didn’t feel good as a kid. I spent most of my toddlerhood being cradled against his chest as my body attacked itself and slowly began shutting down before my diabetes was finally diagnosed, so this is comforting and familiar to me. It’s not out of the norm.

“You know no one is gonna think any less of you if you don’t go on tonight, right?” He pushes a strand of hair out of my eyes and looks at me with this really intense and telling look. “Miller could go on and if he’s not comfortable with that, I’m sure Zack would do it for you.”

I shake my head and sigh. “I don’t know.”

We put off doing anything productive for as long as possible, but Flyzik eventually calls him and tells him to be getting ready because we need to leave soon. I crawl back into bed as Alex gets up to get dressed and do his hair while I struggle to convince myself I have enough energy to get up.

“You are pitiful right now,” Alex half-heartedly laughs as he plops himself down next to me. I bury my head in the pillow and fight the fact that we have to leave soon, which means that I have to actually get up.

My stomach tightens momentarily and I hold my breath, hoping the feeling will pass quickly. Luckily, it does, but it doesn’t make me feel any better about having a show later today. He must sense my complete opposition towards anything that involves moving because he grabs my bag and digs through it before pulling out a pair of Adidas warm-up pants and a grey boner JAGK shirt.

Slowly but surely, he turns me over and shimmies the pants up my legs. I whine the entire time, but he only shakes his head and apologizes, saying it has to be done and he won’t be having me go out in public half naked. He motions for me to take his hands and he hoists me into a seated position on the edge of the bed where he easily slips the t-shirt over my head and smiles in triumph.

“Very nice,” I nod unenthusiastically. “Now to get my ass from this room down to the van.”

“Yeah, you’re coming on the bus. Don’t even care,” He says, throwing all of my belongings into my duffel bag as he eyes me seriously. He has the bags piled by the door as he dials Flyzik’s number and waits for him to pick up. “Yeah, we’re ready. Can we get some help? Caroline might be out of commission today. Thanks, see you in a few minutes.”

Flyzik knocks on the door a few minutes later and Alex goes to open it for him.

“Poor Cara,” He says, frowning. “What’d you do this time?”

I merely shrug, too tired to care that he insinuated this is all my fault. He picks up on my not wanting to talk and slings my backpack around his shoulders and hoists both mine and Alex’s duffel bags over his shoulders before lugging Alex’s backpack in his hand.

Alex sends me an apologetic look as he crouches down in front of me and I wrap my arms around his neck as he grips onto my thighs to hoist me into a piggyback ride. It’s uncomfortable, to say the least, and his fingers feel like daggers on my sore muscles, but there’s the promise of cuddling up in his bunk once we make the journey to the bus.

When we make it down to the lobby and meet up with everybody, Zack must be able to sense my discomfort because he motions for me to wrap my arms around his neck and he cradles me easily against his chest. Immediately, most of the aching ceases and I close my eyes, thankful for Zack’s nurturing ways.

“You know if you want me to play tonight in your place, I’ll do it,” He says quietly as we make our way through the parking lot to the bus. “If you need a night off, don’t be afraid to say it, okay?”

I nod and crane my neck to meet his eyes. “Thanks, Zack.”

--

As usual, my stubbornness has come back to bite me in the ass, because I stand onstage and whole-heartedly regret my decision to go on tonight. The strap for my bass feels like it’s digging into my skin more so than normal and my entire body feels weighed down by the heaviness of my bass.

I made it through two and a half songs, but as Sam sings the words to Stalker League, I find my fingers fumbling along numbly as all my concentration has been directed towards choking back the vomit until I can get off stage. Somehow I manage to make it through the song, but I don’t even give Sam a chance to say anything before I make my announcement.

“I’m just gonna go throw up, really quick,” I say mindlessly. “I probably won’t be back. Sorry.”

I trudge offstage and pass my bass off to Miller, who’s standing in the wings, before booking it towards the bathroom.

“Are you okay?” Josh chases after me, but I can’t answer because I’m already crouched over the toilet, allowing nature to take its course. He sits down next to me and rubs my back in calming circles as I pull my hair back into a messy bun.

My body lurches violently and I give up trying to hold back anymore. The bathroom quickly fills with curious bystanders as the confusion onstage becomes apparent backstage, but I’m too focused on the sudden waves of nausea to mind the extra attention.

“Come on guys, give her some room to breathe,” I hear Flyzik’s voice somewhere in the background as I allow my chin to rest on the rim of the toilet bowl and focus on keeping my breathing steady. “Clear out, guys.”

Reluctantly, everyone leaves, but I can hear the whispers even after they’ve left. Alex stays by my side and takes over Josh’s job of rubbing my back and whispering comforting words to me.

I rest my forearms on the edge of the toilet and take deep breaths, trying to determine whether or not the nausea has passed. After a few minutes without any more puking, I pull myself off the floor and brace my hands firmly on the edge of the sink.

“You all good?” Alex asks, worry plastered to his face.

“Yeah,” I wipe my mouth with my hand and grimace as the nasty taste settles in my mouth. Slowly, I allow my right hand to let go of the sink and turn the faucet on, letting the water run until it’s cold enough for my liking before cupping my hands and filling them with water that I use to rinse the taste out of my mouth.

As nonchalantly as possible, I exit the bathroom and face the crowd as everyone’s eyes turn to me.

“We’re all good, guys,” I give a feeble thumbs up and plop myself onto the couch.

After a few minutes of everyone observing me like some sort of circus freak, they lose interest and go back to their regular conversations. Alex comes over and carefully moves my body over so there’s room for him to lie down next to me on the couch. My muscles ache with each movement they make and I close my eyes, trying to hold back the tears that threaten to escape.

I haven’t been this sick in years. Honestly, I can’t even tell you the last time I was this miserable, but all I know is that this isn’t just some minor blip. Something seems off, but I can’t quite put my finger on it and it worries the hell out of me. I don’t like having to be taken care of; I hate it when people try to take care of me. It’s my biggest pet peeve. I’m a big girl and I like to be in control, but I know I’m at the whim of whatever everyone decides needs to be done.

“Alex, you can’t afford to get sick,” Flyzik groans from the table. “Caroline needs to keep her germs to herself.”

“Chill,” Alex says as he laces his arm around my neck and I settle into his body. “I’ll be fine.”

Flyzik rolls his eyes and mutters something under his breath, but Alex doesn’t seem fazed by it at all.

“Will you sing to me?” I whisper, opening my eyes to meet his gaze.

Back when we were teenagers, I used to ask him to sing for me when I was upset. His voice used to be the only thing that could calm me down enough to think clearly and I depended on him in those instances to bring me back down to the realm of reality. There’s a moment that his eyes glaze over in a way that I know he’s thinking about our past before a small smile spreads across his face.

“What do you want me to sing?”

“Six Feet Under the Stars,” I say.

“Time to lay claim to the evidence, fingerprints sold me out but our footprints washed away from the docks downtown,” He sings quietly. “It’s been getting late for days and I think myself deserving of a little time off. We can kick it here for hours and just mouth off about the world and how we know it’s going straight to hell.”

“Why don’t you sing this live more often?” I interrupt and he shrugs. “It’s so beautiful.”

“I dunno,” He says. “We only have so much time to play and it just didn't make the cut.”

“You should reconsider it,” I shake my head and he smiles. “Your voice and this song should be best friends.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. Would you like me to continue or are you just gonna keep complimenting me?”

“Oh no, you have to earn your compliments,” I say seriously. “So please continue.”

“Pass me another bottle, honey. The jaeger’s so sweet, but if it keeps you around I’m down,” He sings softly and pushes a strand of hair behind my ear. “Meet me on Thames Street, I’ll take you out though I’m hardly worth your time. In the cold you look so fierce, but I’m warm enough because the tension’s like a fire. We’ll hit South Broadway in a matter of minutes and like a bad movie, I’ll drop a line, fall in the grave I’ve been digging myself, but there’s room for two six feet under the stars.”

The room buzzes around us with activity, but for most of the night, Alex and I are alone in our own little world. Although I no longer feel like throwing up, I still feel like shit. I can’t put my finger on it, but it’s more than feeling achy and miserable. Something just seems off.

Eventually Alex is forced out onstage and I’m left alone on the couch, curled in the fetal position, waiting impatiently for All Time Low’s set to end. I’m shaking pretty hardcore and my mind races, but I do my best to ignore it. I’m too tired to deal with any diabetes stuff right now and although I know I’m going to regret it later, I feel myself start to lose consciousness before I can do anything about it.