Somewhere in Neverland

“Wait, what?” My stomach drops and I consider throwing up for a moment before I collect myself enough to wrap my brain around the words that just came out of Dr. Thorne’s mouth. “That’s not even, no. That can’t be – what?”

I look to Alex, who’s lost all complexion in his face as he stares wide eyed at the doctor. When he finally turns to look at me, his expression doesn’t change. I’m sure I’m giving him the exact same look that’s a combination of utter shock, complete disbelief, and extreme fear.

“From the levels of the hCG hormone in your blood, I’d say you’re about six, maybe six and a half weeks pregnant,” There are those words again. The ones that make me feel a little sick to my stomach.

The room around me spins as I try to wrap my head around the doctor’s words. It doesn’t make sense. We used a condom every time. We were safe. This can’t be happening to me. I can’t be pregnant.

“Are you okay?” Dr. Thorne’s voice snaps me back to reality and I stare back at him, dumbfounded. My mouth refuses to form words, but I shake my head slowly. There must be some misunderstanding. Alex and I can’t be parents. Neither one of us is fit to be a parent. “Do you have any questions for me? Anything you need to know?”

“What?” I mutter pathetically, my voice cracking.

“Is there anything you don’t understand?” He asks, looking at me sympathetically.

I try to swallow the dry feeling in my throat, but it doesn’t go away. My eyes meet the textured hospital blanket momentarily before I allow myself to look him in the eyes, pleading for him to say he’s made a mistake – that he got the test results mixed up with someone else’s or some other explanation. “How?”

“I’m gonna assume that you’re sexually active and say that’s how this happened,” He glances between Alex and I, worry evident in his kind demeanor. “Am I correct when I say that?”

Both Alex and I nod and my lip starts to quiver. Alex looks uneasily at the doctor like he’s waiting for him to crack a smile and tell us this is just a bad joke, but he doesn’t.

“Okay, I’m gonna leave you two to talk and go get your discharge papers so we can get you out of here, alright?” Dr. Thorne announces after a few moments of awkward quiet. “A nurse will be in in a few minutes to take your IV out.”

I nod, my mouth still open in shock and I watch as he pulls the curtain behind him before turning to Alex. Neither one of us says a word, too bewildered to process our thoughts and properly express them. My mind races around the idea of being a mom and the nausea returns.

You can’t be a mom. I say in my head. What gives you the right to bring a child into this world? What gives you the right to be a mom? You never had anyone to look up to – to learn from. You’re gonna turn out just like her. You’re gonna be just as bad as your mom was to you.

I shake off those thoughts and meet Alex’s worried eyes, feeling the hot tears streaming down my cheeks. My pride doesn’t matter right now, so I allow them to continue without wiping them off and putting on a brave face. I’m scared and I can’t hide it. I don’t care to hide it. I want Alex to wrap his arms around me and tell me we’ll figure it out and that everything will work itself out in the end. I want him to hold me securely against his chest and assure me that he’ll stand beside me throughout this whole ordeal and pick me up and brush me off when things get bad.

But he doesn’t.

He sits completely still, his jaw clenched and his face void of any color. I need him to be strong right now. I need him to show some sort of emotion. He needs to let me know it’s okay to be scared.

“Say something,” I manage to finally say. It comes out as a whisper, but the way his head snaps up lets me know he heard it. He opens his mouth like he’s going to, but closes it after a moment of hesitation. “Please, Alex.”

“What do you want me to say?” His voice is small and unsteady and it’s apparent he’s just as scared as I am. “I don’t know what you want me to say, Caroline. I’m sorry.”

We both jump slightly at the sound of the hooks being pulled back through the track as a nurse opens the curtain. She’s young and wears a bright smile as she greets us and explains that she’s here to take the IV out. I nod to let her know it’s okay, but tense up as her cold hands meet my arm.

Alex must sense my uneasiness because he holds his hand out for me to take, which I gladly do.

“This shouldn’t hurt,” The nurse says when she notices my nerves. “Are you okay?”

I nod and Alex strokes the back of my hand with comforting circles. It’s a small gesture, but it makes me feel even the slightest bit better.

The nurse carefully pulls the tape off my arm and I wince as a small amount of hair is pulled out with it. She apologizes as she continues, but I’m thankful when I feel the IV cannula get pulled out of my arm. She excuses herself, saying she’d be back in with my discharge papers.

I peel myself out of bed and appreciate my newfound freedom without being attached to an IV pole. Alex still sits, staring at the blue curtains blankly while I gather my things and throw them into my backpack. I pull a hoodie over my head and ball the sleeves up in my fists, hoping the nurse comes back quickly. We’re both acting weird and I can’t take it much longer.

Alex catches my waist as I bend down to pick up my shoes and pulls me towards him. I wrap my arms around his neck as his arms snake their way around my body and I rest my forehead on his.

“We’re gonna figure this out,” He says, somewhat confidently.

I pull away and find his eyes. He raises his eyebrows and nods slowly, maybe trying to convince himself that we’ll be okay, too.

“Promise?”

He nods as his pinky finds mine and we each kiss our fists like we did when we were kids. “Pinky promise.”

This one small act reminds me why I love this boy. Even in the shittiest situations, he always knows the right thing to say to make me feel better. It doesn’t matter how scared or upset he is; he always has the ability to put aside his feelings to make me feel rest assured. He’s my rock. He’s the only person that’s been able to break through the walls I put up to keep myself from getting hurt with the promise that he’d play the role of the wall from there on out. To always protect me and keep me safe.

“Knock knock,” The nurse says upon entering and I let go of Alex and turn to face her. She thumbs through a stack of papers before handing them to me. “So, this is all your information. This is what the doctor suggests you do,” She points to a list on the second page that I quickly scan over. “Just because diabetes can cause a lot of complications during pregnancy. He suggests seeing your endocrinologist as soon as possible and just generally being extra cautious.”

“Kay,” I say, flipping through the papers mindlessly once before looking up at her.

“If anything seems out of the ordinary, you know, any complications come up – spotting, throwing up anymore, aches and pains – just get medical attention immediately,” She says. “But other than that, you’re free to go.”

“Thank you,” I say, slinging my backpack over my shoulders as she turns to leave.

Alex stands up and pulls his shirt down and collects his belongings from the area. He runs his hand through his hair before pulling a beanie on to cover up the mess. He motions for me to lead the way and I haphazardly navigate through the maze of halls until we find our way out.

“Chin up,” He nudges me with a small smile as the van pulls up to the curb.