Somewhere in Neverland

“You’re being awfully quiet today, Cara,” Rian flops himself down next to me on the couch and wraps him arm around my neck casually. He eyes me in an expectant way and I sigh, knowing I’m going to have to tell everybody sooner or later. “Wanna talk about whatever’s going on?”

I shake my head and avert my eyes, but I can still feel the burning of his stare. Rian has always been someone I’ve felt comfortable talking to. He’s just a good guy who’s super easy to have a conversation with and feel like you’re being heard. In a lot of ways, he became my best friend in high school. Sure, Alex will always hold that spot in my heart, but in reality, there have been times I’ve felt more comfortable going to Rian to talk. He just offers a judgment free listening ear and occasionally a gem of wisdom.

“I don’t even know what to think right now,” I say without thinking. He rubs my shoulder reassuringly and pulls me into his side, comforting me instantly. Even though I know Rian will be supportive of whatever Alex and I decide to do, it’s difficult to fathom the idea of telling him about everything that’s going on.

“Well, when you do, know that I’m here to listen.”

It takes everything in me to keep myself from blurting the news to him right here, but I know there are other curious eyes and ears in the room and I don’t want the entire world to know I’m pregnant just yet. No, I want to figure out what we’re gonna do before I tell people.

As we file out of the venue tonight, I want nothing more than to hop in the van with my band mates and sleep off my nerves, but Alex grabs my hand and re-directs me to the bus. Tomorrow we have another long drive to Florida and I don’t want to be away from my band mates for that long, but the way Alex’s eyes bore into me tells me we have some serious talking to do.

We all find ourselves curled up on the couches in the back lounge. No one’s particularly in the mood for partying tonight and it’s been a long few days, so one by one the guys slowly excuse themselves for bed until it’s just Alex, Zack, and I.

“I get the idea you guys want to talk,” Zack breaks the awkward silence that’s consumed the lounge. “So, you know, I’m just gonna go to bed.”

“Night, Zack,” I say, hugging my legs close to my chest and offer him a small smile as he looks back over his shoulder with a wave. I rest my chin on my knees and turn my attention to Alex, whose eyes are glazed over, clearly deep in thought.

There’s a thump down the hall and I listen as the footsteps get quieter before I hear the light switch in the bathroom get flicked on and the door closes. I sit and ponder my thoughts, questioning what exactly I’m going to say to him. Honestly, I don’t even know what I want him to say to me. I don’t know what he could say to ease my mind.

I’m torn out of my trance as I hear the bathroom door creak open and the footsteps return. We sit in silence for a few more minutes, praying everyone is asleep and no one will overhear what we’re about to say.

“This doesn’t have to be this hard,” Alex says, finally breaking the silence. His voice is small and has a hint of uncertainty in it. I don’t entirely understand what he means, so I stay quiet to allow him to elaborate. “We’re both adults. I have a steady income. It’s not like we couldn’t do it.”

His eyes don’t leave me, but they plead for me to say something. I just don’t know what to say to that. Neither of us is particularly fit to be a parent, so I don’t understand how he thinks we’d make it work.

“I hate this tearing us apart,” His eyes flicker down to his hands as he says it, shame filling his voice. “We’re both being awkward and it’s not like us. Shit, Caroline, you’re fucking pregnant with a baby – our baby.”

Our baby. The little being growing inside of me is ours. It’s half my DNA and half Alex’s. No matter how many times I’ve questioned why I love him, no matter all the hurt we’ve caused each other through the years, no matter what, he’s always been the one I wanted to end up with. He’s my best friend and now the father of my unborn child.

I shake my head and fight back the tears, burying my face momentarily in my knees to pull myself together. “We’re young, Alex. You tour all the time and we’re not even married! I’m recreating every bad decision my parents ever made.”

“Your parents were fifteen. We’re 24 and people our age have kids all the time.”

“Parenthood isn’t exactly compatible with your lifestyle,” I point out.

I’m not going to lie; Alex’s interest in going through with this surprises me. This is the same boy who loves Peter Pan and the idea of never growing up. This is the same boy who wants to live the rock star lifestyle and hold onto his youth for as long as possible. But the look on his face tells me he’s serious.

“I dunno; I think we could make it work,” He mumbles.

I take a deep breath and cock my head to the side, curiously. “It sounds like you’ve made up your mind about this whole parenting thing.”

“No, I’m just considering our options.”

I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t considered the options, but nothing seems logical. Everything seems so unreal. On one hand, we could keep it and attempt to raise it and not fuck it up too bad. On the other hand, I could go the seemingly easier route and get an abortion, but have to live with the consequences of that.

My eyes flick back to Alex and I hesitate for a moment, trying to decide whether or not I really want to know the answer to this question, but it’s going to eat at me if I don’t.

Suddenly the scars on my knees seem very interesting and I trace them with my fingers, averting my eyes altogether. “Did abortion ever cross your mind?” I ask quietly, finding the guts to meet his surprised gaze.

“What?” He asks, taken aback.

“Just be straight up with me. Did it ever cross your mind?” I ask, this time more confidently.

He shrugs his shoulders slightly. “I mean, yeah, but I don’t know anymore. At this point, I feel like it’s more so what you wanna do because it’s your body.”

“I’m not gonna make a decision that you disagree with,” I say. “It’s as much your decision as it is mine.”

“Have you considered abortion?”

My eyes find the ceiling as I nod slowly. The idea of me ever becoming a mom scares the shit out of me. After growing up with a mom who showed zero interest in me, I depended on my dad to be both parents. Eventually Mama Savage became a mother figure to me, but I’m sure the psychological damage from my childhood will fuck me over in the motherhood department.

“When I was younger, I was positive that if I ever got pregnant, I’d be able to you know, go through with that,” My voice quivers as I fight myself to look at him, but I can’t convince myself. “But now that I’m in this situation, I don’t even know what to think.”

I manage to lock my eyes on everything but Alex, but when I finally get up enough nerve to meet his eyes, I can’t help the tears that escape. They fall freely down my cheeks and I shake my head lightly. “I’m scared,” I whisper.

He stands up and finds his way over to the couch I’m on and sits down beside me, pulling me onto his lap and wraps his arms tightly around me. “I’m scared, too.”

Normally those words would freak me out. Alex is always the rock – the brave one – and his fear should be unnerving, but it’s not. There’s something comforting about both of us being scared. It tells me we’re in this together and it eases my mind a little bit.

“What even gives me the grounds to be a mom?” I bury my face in his neck and allow him to play with my hair.

“Your ovaries and your uterus and your vagina,” He says simply. He doesn’t even say it with a humorous tone; he says it like it should be obvious.

I sit up and look him in the eye. “No, but really. I never had a mom to look up to and learn from, so what gives me the right to try to raise a kid? What if I turn out to be just like my mom?”

“You’re not gonna,” He says confidently. “You’re already so much more caring and personable than she’s ever been. You’re passionate and loving and loyal and supportive. You’re never gonna be like her because you’re you, Caroline.”

I lay my head on his shoulder and bite the sleeve of my hoodie mindlessly. “I’ve never wanted kids because I’ve always been afraid I’d fuck them up just as bad as I’m fucked up,” I finally admit.

He laughs lightly. “You’re not that fucked up. Plus I think a kid would be lucky to have you as a mom.”

“Are you saying you’re in?”

Alex shrugs and looks down at me with a small smile. “I’m in if you’re in.”