Somewhere in Neverland

Warm water streams down as the hot steam envelopes my body in the calming atmosphere. The shower is where I do my best thinking, so I figured I’d give it a try this morning to clear my mind of all the unwelcome thoughts that have formed since last night when Alex and I agreed to give this parenting thing a try.

Despite the comfort of knowing he’ll be my side throughout this whole process, something about a future with kids is still unsettling. I’ve never wanted them. I never wanted to feel like I had to choose between a career and a family, but here I am, willingly getting myself into it.

I don’t know how long I’ve been standing under the running water, but the way the steam clings to the glass and the air above is thick with condensation tells me it’s been a while. The warm water has relaxed my aching muscles and I’m thankful that, for the first time in over 24 hours, they’re not tensed up in my state of stress.

Half-heartedly, I clean my body and convince myself to turn off the water, stepping out into the foggy bathroom and wrap my body in a plush towel. I stand in front of the sink and wipe my hand across the mirror, revealing a reflection of a person I used to think I knew. The dark bags under her once lively blue eyes and the hollowness of her cheeks make her almost unrecognizable to me. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear the reflection was someone else. Surely the sickly looking creature in the mirror can’t be me.

There’s a knock on the bathroom door and I jump, startled out of my trance.

“You alright?” Rian asks. Even through the door, I can hear the worry in his voice. “You’ve been in there a while.”

“Yeah, Ri,” I call back, my heart pounding. “I’m fine.”

Rian knows me well enough to tell something’s wrong and I know that no matter how much I kid myself, he’s not going to let it go. He’s not the type to sit by and watch others around him be upset, so I’d be foolish to think he’d let this slip by, undetected. He mutters something like, “I’m here if you need me” before I hear his footsteps retreat from the door.

Once I know he’s gone I let out the breath I’ve been holding, heaving a sigh of relief that I’d been able to bite my tongue once more. It’s hard not telling the boys the news, but the truth is, I’m not ready to have everybody know just yet.

I pull a sports bra on my damp body and shimmy my underwear up my legs haphazardly and allow my mind to wander.

What will they even think of me? I ask myself. Will they think any less of me?

I know the boys will be supportive, but I can’t help but wonder. Will it change the dynamics of our friendships? A million questions remain unanswered in my head, but I remember I’m still standing half naked in the bathroom and force myself to finish getting dressed.

I pull a tank top on and yank on a pair of shorts before hanging my towel on the back of the door and take a deep breath, unaware of what I’ll be faced with on the other side of the door. After calming myself completely, I turn the doorknob slowly and put on my best poker face, not wanting everyone to know something’s wrong.

Despite my best efforts, Jack sends me a questioning look as I wander down the aisle in search of a quiet place to have some much needed alone time.

“You alright, Danger?”

I nod, but keep my head down and continue down the aisle to the back lounge, hoping it’ll be empty. To my dismay, the lounge is full of life and I receive a number of confused looks when I immediately turn and leave.

I can feel Jack’s curious eyes on me as I pull back the curtain of Alex’s bunk and climb in, thankful for the solitude the small space provides. Nothing calms me down more than burying myself in the warm blankets and the solace the dark brings.

After a few minutes of peace, my phone vibrates and I silently curse whoever’s calling. It’s only when I see Home flash across the screen that a smile spreads across my face and I gladly hit accept.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Caroline,” It’s Olivia.

“Hey, Liv,” I can’t contain the smile. “What’s up?”

There’s someone talking in the background and Olivia groans. “She just answered! Let me have my turn, Natalie!” I chuckle at my sister’s quarrel. “I just called to say hi. I haven’t talked to you since that one day mama and dad were fighting.”

“Oh yeah,” I scrunch my nose when I remember that unfortunate day. It was the same one that Alex and I got in that huge fight and I ran back to San Francisco like a scared little girl. “How have things been? Have they talked to you guys anymore about the divorce?”

“Kind of. I mean, dad has, but mom hasn’t,” She explains. “Mom’s just been working even more lately, but dad has tried to tell us what’s going on and everything.”

The way she talks about our mom with so little emotion breaks my heart. She, along with the rest of my sisters, no longer expects anything less of our mother. Our mom deals with her problems by running away from them because she feels it’s easier that way. I just hate that it’s easier for her to run away from parenthood than fight for her daughters.

“How’ve you been, little lady?”

“You know, good, I guess,” She says. “I try to ignore their fights and everything, but it’s hard. But dad told mom to fuck off and we’re gonna come visit you on tour!”

Now I’m grinning like a fool. “No way! What dates are you coming out for?”

She whispers something to Natalie in the background and they talk back and forth for a minute. “Um, the Maryland ones, maybe?”

“Sweet!”

“But Natalie’s yelling at me to let her talk to you, so I’m gonna give her the phone before I die,” She tells me. “I love you!”

I laugh at the thought of Natalie standing beside Olivia, hounding her for the phone. I’d expect nothing less of her. “Love you, too, Livvy.”

“Caroline!” Natalie yells excitedly.

I hold the phone a few inches away from my ear to spare my hearing and repress a giggle. “Hey, Nat! What’ve you been up to lately?”

She talks my ear off for a while, managing to keep my thoughts on anything but my pregnancy. Her ADHD allows her to blow through a lot of topics in a short amount of time and I’m suddenly grateful for her inability to concentrate on any one topic.

“I have to go to school now,” She says suddenly. I completely forget they have school today. Hell, I completely forget what day it is until she reminds me. “I love you!”

“Love you, too, Nat!” I say, disappointed our conversation has to end. “Call me more often, okay? I miss you crazies!”

She assures me they’ll call more frequently before she hangs up and I’m left alone in the silence of the empty bunk, leaving my mind plenty of room to wander all over again.

I wish I was in the van with my band mates right now. Although I’d find it hard to bite my tongue and not blurt the news to them, I know they’d keep me entertained enough to keep me from thinking about all the “what if’s”. And I’d be away from Alex long enough to think things through – really think things through. They’d sing stupid songs and spout out loving insults, knowing a little humor would make the long drive a little less unbearable and I’d sit and gladly take it because I had my family with me.

But I’m on the bus with a family I haven’t seen in seven years. A family that once knew me very well, but now I’m not so sure. Seven years is a lot of time to grow up and we sure as hell have done a lot of that. Seven years ago, Alex was a gawky, awkward high school boy who had a way with words and I was head over heels in love with him. Seven years ago, Rian was the long-haired, popular drum major who defied every stereotype and was the most supportive friend I could’ve ever asked for. Seven years ago, Jack was a little more immature and a lot less street smart, but still lovable nonetheless and Zack was a little less sure of himself. Sure, these are still the same boys I found solace and support in, but we’ve grown up with thousands of miles in between us. We’re really good at pretending there hasn’t been much time since our last meeting, but we aren’t fooling anybody.

I shield my eyes from the bright light that illuminates the dark bunk as the curtain is pulled back and Rian nudges me to move over to make room.

We both lie on our backs and stare at the ceiling of the bunk silently. Finally he takes a deep breath and turns his head to get a better look at me. “You know I’m not gonna let this go, right?” I nod but don’t tear my eyes from the ceiling. “I hate seeing you like this; you’re not you right now. You’re in this funk and I barely recognize you.”

“I barely recognize me,” My voice cracks halfway through and I choke back the tears as Rian turns on his side to better read my face.

“Are you and Alex fighting?” I shake my head as he contemplates other possible culprits for my current funk. “Is something going on at home that’s upsetting you?”

I laugh bitterly. “More so than usual? No.”

“Then what is it?”

The way his eyes plead for me to tell him makes me contemplate just doing it, but something holds me back. I know it’s stupid to think I’d lose Rian over this, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about it.

“It’s just like, everything,” I can’t think of a better way to put it. It feels like everything is falling down around me. I’m pregnant, my parents are getting divorced, and my younger sisters are stuck in the middle of my parents’ bitterness while I’m nowhere to be found. “Everything that could be going wrong is.”

“You know you always have us for support, right?” I shrug my shoulders slightly and he cocks a confused eyebrow at me. “No matter what, we’ll always be there for you. No judgments, I will always be there for you and I know the others would be, too. Now you wanna tell me what’s really bothering you?”

Tears well in my eyes and I will myself to say it, but I can’t. “It’s a pretty big deal, Ri.”

“Judgment free zone, Cara.”

I turn my head so I’m facing him and feel the tears stream over the bridge of my nose.

“I’m pregnant.”

His mouth falls open in shock and he stares at me for a moment with a look of complete disbelief before a huge smile spreads across his face. “Are you shitting me?”

“No,” I whimper.

“Dude, that’s exciting!” He exclaims and I shush him. “Have you already told people?”

“No, you’re the first besides Alex,” I wipe my tears and sit up against the wall, crossing my legs Indian style as Rian follows suit. “Please don’t tell anybody.”

“I won’t,” He wraps his arm around my shoulders as I lay my head on his neck, emotionally exhausted by this all. Even though I’m only four and a half weeks pregnant, the hormones have already done awful things to me and I can’t imagine nine months of this. Everything seems so dramatic and awful, no matter how small and unimportant they are. “Are you, ya know, keeping it?” He whispers after a few moments of quiet.

“Yeah,” I wipe my cheeks with the back of my arm.

“You’re gonna be such a kickass mom,” He pulls me close and kisses the top of my head. “And I am gonna be such a cool fucking uncle!”

I can’t contain the smile that forms as I watch him nod his head as he mouths ‘Uncle Rian’ a few times. Telling him wasn’t nearly as hard as I thought it would be and I worked myself up way too much about it. The boys will be excited when they find out that Alex and I are gonna have a kid, so why shouldn’t I be excited? I should be, but I’m still caught up in the idea that I’m gonna be a mom. I’m gonna be a mom.

“Thanks Ri,” I say and he shakes his head like it’s no big deal.

“For what?”

“Being supportive, I guess.”

He laughs lightly and hangs his head for a minute. “That’s just what friends do, Cara. I’d be stupid to be anything but supportive and happy for two of my best friends with such big news.”

And suddenly I get a pang in my chest because I lost seven years of memories with this guy. Seven years of friendship that could have been, but never will be. I choke back the tears and remind myself that even though those seven years apart happened, he’s back in my life and I don’t ever have to lose him again. I don’t ever have to lose any of these boys again.