Somewhere in Neverland

“Don’t think about it,” I murmur, tangling my fingers in his messy hair. Alex’s head is laid in my lap and he looks up at me with sadness in his eyes, causing the knot in my stomach to tighten all over again.

“This sucks,” He mumbles, toying with his hands slightly. “I don’t want you to leave tomorrow.”

I lean down and kiss his forehead, praying for some miracle to slow time and allow us to enjoy each other’s company for the last few hours we have together. I know time isn’t going to slow down and that before I know it, I’ll be boarding a plane back to California without him, and it’s fucking hard to accept that fact.

“Don’t think about it,” I reiterate, wishing he could come with me. “Let’s just live in the now and not think about tomorrow.”

He offers a half-hearted smile still riddled with sadness and the stinging sensation indicative of tears starts in my eyes. Alex and I have been inseparable since day one of this tour. Hell, we were inseparable since day one of our friendship until my mom’s job forced us to relocate and everything we’d promised each other fell to shit.

Alex sits up and settles in front of me, sensing my uneasiness. Both of us sit cross-legged and stare at one another in silence, remembering the last time I left him behind in Baltimore. Eventually, his hand finds my cheek and he caresses it softly, sending a wave of chills through me enough to raise goosebumps on my skin.

“I’ll fly out for Christmas,” He says confidently. “And New Years and everything else, okay? We’ll make it work this time. We’ll make us work.”

I nod slowly, closing my eyes and take in a deep, shaky breath. Even with everything going on between us, it’s still hard to know I’m leaving without him tomorrow. At the beginning of the tour, six weeks seemed like such a long time, but in all actuality, these weeks flew by way faster than any of us would have liked. It feels like yesterday Mama Savage saw us off at the airport, but at the same time, it felt like an eternity ago.

Alex leans in and kisses me softly. I lean back on my elbows and allow him to crawl on top of me, never once breaking the kiss. His hands work to unbutton my jeans and I lift my hips enough for him to pull them off of me.

He pulls away just long enough to stand at the foot of the bed to undress himself, our eyes staying locked the entire time. When he crawls back on top of me, he reconnects our lips in a soft, passionate kiss that escalates quickly, because before I know it, our bodies are a tangled mess in the sheets and I’m fighting to keep myself from going over the edge.

“Slow down,” I moan into his shoulder, arching my back and gasping to catch my breath, desperate to prolong this for even a few more moments.

His hips slow to a steady pace and the growing feeling of warmth in the pit of my stomach levels off and I know I can hold out for a little while longer. Still, as Alex reaches climax, his rhythm increases and I find myself digging my nails into the back of his neck and burying my face in his shoulder to muffle my moans.

My hand worms its way between our two bodies and settles on his thigh as I attempt to steady myself in any way I can think of, but it isn’t any help. My body trembles as the overwhelming sensation takes hold of me and I cry out in pure ecstasy. Alex is on the verge of reaching climax too when I feel a tightening in my stomach that can only be compared to an awful Charlie horse and I wriggle my body in pain.

Both hands find his thighs and I push them away from me and attempt to sit up – anything to stop the pain.

“Pull out!” I beg, clasping my hand over my stomach, still trying to make my discomfort apparent. “Alex, please,” I plead and he complies, worry washing over his face.

He sits up as I curl into the fetal position and clench my stomach, trying my best not to cry. It’s not only the pain that’s unbearable, but the worry that floods my body when I think of everything that could be wrong. We’ve been reading about pregnancy complications online and everything I’ve read says that miscarriage is most common in the first twelve weeks. I’m only eight and a half weeks pregnant, so the thought crosses my mind more than once.

Alex lays his hand on my shoulder and I immediately reach for it, finding some ease of mind and comfort from this small gesture.

“What’s the matter, baby?” His voice is soothing, but can’t mask his worry, despite the effort.

I shake my head, focusing on the cramping in my stomach. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever felt before, even bad cramps, and I cringe when it seems to get worse.

“Should I call Jack’s dad?” Alex asks, climbing over me to inspect my abdomen and check that nothing looks wrong down, er, there.

Thankfully the pain subsides quickly and I roll onto my back to face him. “Maybe,” I answer, unsure whether or not whatever I just experienced was something to worry about. “Yeah,” I conclude, taking a deep breath to clear my mind and not think of the awkwardness of telling Jack’s dad about our sex life.

He reaches for his phone on the nightstand and flicks through his contacts until he lands on Mr. Barakat. He puts it on speaker and lays a comforting hand on my belly, stroking it lightly.

“Hello?” His voice is groggy and full of sleep when he picks up.

“Uh, hi Mr. Barakat, it’s Alex,” He answers awkwardly. “I kinda have a question for you that pertains to your job and my girlfriend.”

“What kind of question?” Mr. Barakat asks hesitantly.

Alex chuckles uncomfortably and rubs his hand on this leg. “I don’t know if Jack told you about Caroline-”

“She’s pregnant,” He cuts him off. “You know Jack can’t keep a secret like that.”

Well, at least he already knows… This is honestly the first time I’ve ever been semi-grateful for Jack’s big mouth.

“Yeah,” Alex says slowly. “Um, so we sorta just, um, you know-”

“Had sex,” He infers.

“Yeah, and Caroline had really bad stomach cramps after she, you know-”

“Had an orgasm?” Mr. Barakat chuckles. “If you’re going to call me at midnight to ask questions, just be blunt, Alex. I’ve known you for more than ten years; I know you have sex.”

I rub my hand over my belly and pray that Jack’s dad will deliver good news – that this is normal and nothing out of the ordinary. That our baby is okay.

“But yes, sometimes that happens. I wouldn’t worry too much about it, but when she gets home make sure she goes to see her endocrinologist and she finds an OB/GYN. They might determine she’s high risk because of her diabetes, in which case, sex may be out of the question,” He explains. “In the meantime, take it easy and make sure you take good care of her.”

The lump in the back of my throat disappears and my heart rate returns to a semi-normal pace as Alex thanks him for his time and hangs up the phone.

“We’re all clear,” He smiles, crawling over top of me to give me a kiss. He sits back on his knees and looks down at the nearly unnoticeable baby bump before glancing back up at me with the cheesiest grin on his face I’ve ever seen. “Dude, we’re having a fucking baby.”

--

“I wish you could come with me,” I pout, draping my arms around his neck as he leans his forehead against mine and sighs.

“I know, but I can’t,” He says, disappointedly. “But I’ll fly out the first chance I get, okay?”

I close my eyes and breathe in his scent, relishing every last moment I have with him before I walk through security and away from him for god knows how long. The boys have a few fly out dates here and there for the next few weeks, but he promised me the first time he had more than a few days off, he’d come out to see me.

“Okay,” I finally answer, exhaling the breath I’d been holding in for a little longer than I’d meant to.

Alex pulls away when he sees Roland and Noelle walking over from the check-in desk and the stupid lump returns in my throat as my eyes and nose begin stinging in a way to let me know I’m about to cry.

“Come with me,” I beg, wrapping my arms tightly around his core as I bury my face in his chest to hide my tears. I never, in a million years, thought I’d be the pathetic girlfriend who is super reluctant to be away from her boyfriend for more than a few hours, but the reality of everything is that my life is such a jumbled mess right now that I have no idea what the fuck to even do with myself.

“As much as I’d love to, I can’t right now,” He says, kissing the top of my head. “But you need to go now. You can’t miss your flight.”

“What if I want to?” I mumble, honestly giving zero fucks as to whether or not I make it to my flight or not.

“I don’t want you to,” He says, grabbing the sides of my face firmly in his hands. “You’re gonna go back home to California and when I fly out to see you, we can figure our shit out. We can look at houses and talk about our future and everything else, but right now, you need to be in California and I need to stay behind in Maryland. It’s not ideal, but it’s only temporary.”

I nod and he kisses me sweetly, letting his lips linger a moment before pulling away and offers me a small, encouraging smile.

“I’ll see you in a few weeks,” He calls out as I clench my pillow in my arms and step into line for security.

He stays to see me through security and as I step through the body scanner, I take one more look over my shoulder as he blows me a kiss and I try to hold it together.

Honestly, I block out much of the wait in the terminal and stare out to window for most of the flight, finding myself in some sort of trance. This is really fucking it. The tour is over and I’m on my way home.

I’m on my way home without him.