Somewhere in Neverland

The microwave timer blares loudly to obnoxiously signal the bag of popcorn for our movie night is done popping. I’m not used to the eerie way the entire house echoes from even the smallest noise, so the loud noise makes my heart beat ten times faster than usual.

“Dude, I don’t like how quiet this house is,” Eliza enters the dimly lit kitchen with a worried look on her face. “It’s kind of creepy.”

“Dude, why do you think I made you come spend the night with me?” I ask, pouring the bag of popcorn into a large plastic bowl and slide it across the kitchen island to her. “I feel like I’m going to be a nervous wreck until Alex gets home.”

She sits down on a barstool and flicks a kernel of popcorn into her mouth. She chews slowly while twirling her hair deep in thought. “Why’d you move in if you knew he wasn’t gonna be here with you your first night?”

I laugh and hang my head in shame. “I’d like to think I’m a little bit tougher than I really am,” I admit. “I don’t wanna be that girl that needs a guy by my side to get shit done.”

“As evidence of moving your shit into the house by yourself while seven and a half months pregnant,” She eyes me sternly. “When the doctor said to take it easy because you’re high risk and over-doing it could hurt the baby.”

She stares me down for a few moments and I finally find myself so uncomfortable I clear my throat and try to change the subject. “So, how about we watch that movie?”

Eliza hops off the stool and scoops the bowl off the counter, cradling it in her arms as she bounds energetically towards the staircase, the emptiness of the house becoming all the more apparent by the reverberation off the walls.

When Alex and I bought this house, I didn’t realize he’d be on tour when all the paperwork got finalized and we got the all clear to move in. The overwhelming reality that we were buying a house together made every other detail seem insignificant at the time, but now I wish I would have realized sooner that I’d practically be on my own to move us in and make it feel like home.

“You know what I just realized?” Eliza asks, throwing herself onto my bed and making herself comfortable. She doesn’t wait for me to respond before she answers. “We live close enough to each other that we can just call each other up and be like, ‘Pack a bag, bitch! You’re spending the night!’”

I laugh, but am really thankful that she’s right. Ever since my mom practically handed custody over to my dad in January, things have seemed to be going so much better for them. Apparently she came to some realization that she really wasn’t cut out for parenthood and agreed to pay a large chunk of child support every month to ensure my sisters really would be taken care of. And ever since he’s gained custody of the girls, my dad has stepped up and somehow managed to figure out how to juggle fatherhood, a full-time job, and a part-time job because he knows how important it is to prove everyone who told him he couldn’t do it wrong.

I climb into bed next to Eliza and prop myself up against the headboard, trying my best to find a comfortable position despite my growing belly and aching back. It doesn’t do much good because about fifteen minutes into the movie I’m forced to put it on pause and get up to go to the bathroom and move around for a bit.

“You okay in there?” Eliza asks through the door.

I’m standing in front of the mirror and tracing the bump with my fingers. I can feel the baby squirming around inside of me and it hits me just how real everything is. I ignore Eliza when she opens the door slowly and welcomes herself into the bathroom, continuing to stare at my belly.

“I can’t believe you losers decided to wait until the birth to find out what you’re having,” I watch her in the mirror as she leans against the doorframe and crosses her arms over her chest. “It’s not even fair! I just want to know if I’m getting a niece or a nephew.”

“You don’t think I want to know if I’m having a son or a daughter?” I laugh as I turn to face her, resting my tailbone against the edge of the counter. “You’d be crazy to think that, but there’s some sort of thrill in not knowing, you know?”

“I guess,” She pouts, but walks over and places her hands on my stomach. “But it’s still so surreal that you guys are having a baby.”

I nod, agreeing whole-heartedly. It’s still surreal to me, too. A year ago I never would have seen myself in this situation, settling down and everything, but somewhere deep inside, it feels right.

“Tell me about it,” I answer, motioning to the bedroom so we can finish the movie before either of us passes out.

We lie in bed in silence for a few minutes before Eliza turns onto her side and looks at me like she’s contemplating asking something.

“What?” I ask self-consciously.

“How’d you know Alex was the one?” Her voice is small and serious and I know exactly why she’s asking, and it has nothing to do with me and Alex at all.

I pause the movie and take a deep breath and close my eyes, trying to put into words how I figured out Alex was the one I wanted to spend my life with. Finally, I open my eyes and stare directly back at her, but somehow I don’t see her at all; I see everything that’s ever made me realize why I love the man-child that is Alex Gaskarth.

“It wasn’t just one minute I was like ‘Yes, he’s the one.’ It was more just the nervous feeling in my stomach every time I think about him and the way I feel like a giddy little girl every time we’re together,” I pause and try to collect the words. “It’s the idea that I can’t fathom not being with him and the fact that at the end of the day, I want to fall asleep next to him. I’ve always been the girl who runs away from her problems, but when I’m with him, I want to stay and fight through them and make things right and that’s probably the biggest thing that made me realize I was in love with him – just my willingness to fight through all the shit and make things right at the end of the day because he’s important to me and I couldn’t live with myself if I lost him.”

She looks at me wide-eyed and takes a deep breath. “Wow,” She whispers. “That’s what it’s like to be in love?”

I shrug. “For me, I guess. Why are you suddenly so curious about all this love nonsense anyways? Are you and Theo trying it out again?”

Her cheeks flush bright red and a coy smile spreads across her face. “Kind of,” She says. “We just always keep on ending up back together. Like, shit gets bad, we break up, we take time apart, and then we text each other and apologize, and things go back to the good side of our relationship. It’s exhausting, but I think I love him.”

“Theo’s a good guy, Liza. I see the way he looks at you and the way you look at him,” I sit up and pull my legs as close to my chest as my baby bump will allow. “He had his own version of a fucked up home life, just like you and I did, but he’s a fighter and, I dunno, you guys go way, way far back.”

“We kinda remind me of you and Alex a little bit,” She announces boldly. “Like, you and Alex became best friends your first day in Baltimore and Theo and I became best friends my first day in Palo Alto. And then there’s the whole being inseparable thing and the whole ‘I really fucking like you, but I don’t want to ruin our friendship over a relationship’ kinda ordeal. But seeing you and Alex make everything work despite the world being totally against you at times gives me the hope that maybe we’ll be able to sort our shit out and make things work.”

“Text the boy and tell him how you feel,” I groan, grabbing her phone from the nightstand and fling it into her lap. “Or else I will.”

“You’re a bitch,” She sticks her tongue out at me, but grabs her phone and begins typing a long message.

I take this as my cue to text Alex for our nightly text conversation about our day. It’s become a nightly ritual that has helped make him being gone a little bit easier to stomach.

I find my own phone and unlock it, before finding his name in my messages and begin typing.



Eliza’s still typing away by the time he responds.



I giggle and bury my face in my knees before I hit REPLY.



“Jesus, Eliza! Are you sending him a novel or telling him how you feel?” I ask bewildered. “You’re going to scare him away!”

“I’m telling him how I feel, just in a very wordy kind of way,” She explains. “I don’t know what to say so I think I may be rambling, but I don’t care because the words are just kind of coming out and I’d definitely be rambling in person, so it’s kind of perfect. Just keep texting your boo thang and leave me to my business, ho.”

It takes Alex a while to respond, and when he finally does, Eliza has finished typing and has sent it to Theo. I’d ask her to read it to me, but I’m not in the mood to listen to a 45 minute spiel about why she loves the boy. At the end of the day, she does and that’s all I want to know.

“How old were you when you lost your virginity?” She asks out of the blue and I’m taken aback by her bluntness.

“Fifteen,” I answer honestly. “How old were you?”

Normally, I’d be a little put off by how straight forward she’s being, but I figure now’s not exactly the best time to play innocent. Right now is the time to be the big sister who is willing to answer the awkward questions because it’s in the best interest of the little sister. Plus I’m a bit curious…

“See, that’s sort of the thing,” She says slowly. “Um, uh, I’m kind of a virgin.”

“No way!” I immediately clamp my hand over my mouth and internally scold myself for my outburst. To say I’m surprised is an understatement. Not to mention that I know for a fact Theo isn’t a virgin, but I hadn’t ever considered the idea he’d slept with any other girl but Eliza.

Holy fucking shit.

“That’s not exactly the response I expected,” She mumbles and turns towards the TV. “Are we gonna finish this movie or not?”

“Liza, I’m not making fun of you or anything, but I’m definitely surprised,” I explain. “I’m actually kind of… proud of you? I mean, good for you for holding out for someone that means the world to you. I was really young when I lost mine and even though it was with someone that I loved, it felt rushed and I wish I would’ve waited a bit longer.”

It’s true. Even though I lost my virginity to Alex, it wasn’t as romantic and special as I’d have liked it to be. Both of us were nervous and the entire thing was awkward. Neither of us knew what we were doing or what we were getting ourselves into. Sex wasn’t something we did because we felt ready; sex was something we did because we felt pressured by our group of friends.

Thinking about that night reminds me I haven’t checked my phone for Alex’s reply and when I do, I see I have two new messages.



I can’t even contain the “Aw!” that escapes my lips when I read it.



I laugh and Eliza gives me an annoyed look.

“What’re you even doing?”

“Alex is finally being serious about baby names,” I smile. “And they’re pretty great.”

Her ears immediately perk up and I can tell she’s interested in what he has to say about the topic. She’s been harassing me for months about what we’re going to name the baby, but I honestly haven’t had any idea until now.

“What are they?”

I scroll up and smile as I re-read them in my head. “Lila, Annabelle, Nora, Maisie, Avery, Lydia, Maggie, Gavin, Hudson, Eli, Andrew, Quinn, and Bailey.”

“Oh my gosh! Those are so cute!” She sticks her bottom lip out. “But the list is noticeably missing Elizabeth. Gotta have some sort of namesake there!”

I scrunch my face up like I’m deep in thought. “See, here’s the thing: that’s never gonna happen. I love you and all, but no. I’m not naming my kid after you.”

“You bitch!”

I return my attention to my phone and laugh as it buzzes again.



I hit REPLY.



We completely ignore the fact that the TV goes into sleeper mode as we sit up talking and catching up. Even though Alex isn’t here to spend the first night in our new house with me, I’m glad Eliza is and it’ll be a night neither of us forgets for a long time.