Somewhere in Neverland

“I still can’t believe you’re gonna be a mommy!” Noelle squeals as she leans across the small table and places a hand on my protruding belly.

“I still can’t believe you and Jack have made things work this long!” I counter, trying to change the subject a bit. Being eight months pregnant has given me plenty of time to talk about myself, but I haven’t seen Noelle nearly as much as I’d have liked since the tour and I want to catch up on her life, too.

She blushes and shrugs her shoulders, biting on her straw nervously.

“I dunno. Things are… things are good,” She smiles wryly. “He’s a fun guy and I think I’ll keep him around for a while longer. But seriously, don’t think you’re getting off the hook that easily about talking about this baby.”

I groan, taking a bite of my sandwich and chew slowly to think about what I’m even going to say that I haven’t said before.

“Do you have names picked out yet?” She wiggles her eyebrows which makes me laugh.

“Not yet, no. We’re both very opinionated and stubborn people,” I explain, putting my sandwich back on the plate before I wipe my fingers on the napkin in my lap. “It’s hard not knowing what it is and not picking names based on our biases.”

“What do you mean?” She asks curiously.

“I mean I’m convinced it’s a boy and he’s convinced it’s a girl, so it’s just hard to choose because we always end up debating what it’s going to be because we’re ADD and get off track very easily,” Noelle laughs and nods her head, understanding exactly what I mean. “But it’s hard with people continuously reminding us how unprepared we are for this kid.”

If it’s not the fact that we don’t have names picked out already, it’s the fact that we haven’t exactly discussed Alex’s touring schedule after the baby is born. Everywhere we go, people tell us how much we still have to work out before I go into labor which stresses me out even more. I know Noelle doesn’t mean any harm and that it’s just her being my best friend and trying to catch up with what’s been happening in my life, but it’s the culmination of everyone else that makes discussing anything a burden.

“Hey, we’re in LA to see our men for the first time in almost six weeks tonight,” She points out. “And since you’re eight months pregnant and completely hormonal and out of control, I think it’s safe to say you’re allowed to demand his attention tonight to discuss all this. Besides,” She flicks an ant off the table and looks at me in a matter-of-fact way. “It’s your life, so fuck everybody else, remember?”

“This is why you’re my best friend, Elle, but I dunno,” I shift myself in the chair so I’m more comfortable. “Alex and I still have a lot to discuss before this baby is born.”

With Alex having been on tour these past few weeks, I’ve realized just how unprepared we really are. Now, more than ever, I’m regretting waiting until the baby is born to find out what we’re having. It’s made planning a nursery, planning a baby shower, and picking names more complicated than either of us expected and has caused more arguments than it’s been worth. But when it comes down to it, neither of us really cares whether or not we have a boy or a girl – we’ll be glad either way – we only care that this baby is born healthy and into a family that has its shit together.

“Man alert,” I announce when I see Jack, Rian, and someone I can only assume is in one of the other bands making their way down the street. I wave when they see me and Noelle spins around in her chair abruptly before jumping into Jack’s arms when they meet us.

“If we had known we were gonna run into you, we would’ve brought Alex,” Rian apologizes as Jack and Noelle play catch up with their mouths. “He’s been pouting a lot today, so we left him behind at the venue.”

“Sounds about right,” I nod, reaching my arms out to accept his hug. “I missed you and your hugs, Ri.”

When Rian pulls away, Jack immediately engulfs me in another hug before pulling away to put his hands on my belly. “Caroline, you’re looking pregnant-er than I remember you being. You gotta tell this peanut to stop growing when Uncle Jack isn’t around.”

I chuckle and shake my head, enjoying how excited Jack still is about the fact that Alex and I are having a kid. Jack’s always said he wants kids, but hasn’t found the right girl to settle down and start a family with yet, so I wonder if me being pregnant has, even in the slightest bit, caused him to reconsider doing it sooner than later.

“To slow it down is to prolong this pregnancy even more and I’m not about to do that,” I say. “Now introduce me to your friend so he can stop feeling awkward.”

Jack rolls his eyes playfully and turns to the spiky haired guy whose hands are shoved deep in the pockets of his skinny jeans.

“Caroline, this is Jaime from Pierce the Veil. Jaime, this is Caroline, Alex’s baby mama,” He says sarcastically.

“I’ve heard a lot about you,” Jaime says as he shakes my hand. “It’s nice to be able to put a face to the name.”

“Nice to meet you, too?” I say, unsure of what all he’s heard about me.

He laughs when he notices my wariness and assures me it’s all been positive things he’s heard.

After a few minutes of talking with the guys, Noelle and I excuse ourselves to head to the venue and the boys send me with a sandwich for Alex in the hopes that food will lighten his mood a bit.

The venue isn’t any more than a few minutes’ walk away from the restaurant and most of it is filled with small talk about how busy LA is and other random thoughts. When we make it to the venue, we immediately make our way to the tour bus and find Alex sitting on the couch in the front lounge looking grumpy.

“I’m gonna go do something that isn’t up here,” Noelle announces, leaving Alex and I alone.

“I brought you a sandwich,” I say, holding up the bag before putting it on the counter.

He holds his arms out and motions for me to come sit with him.

“What’s wrong, grumpy?” I ask, melting into his side as I bury my head in the crook of his neck. “Rian said you’ve been pouting.”

He shrugs, but doesn’t say anything, which isn’t like him. I haven’t seen him in almost six weeks and rather than blab about how great the tour’s been and try to get in a quickie before his afternoon responsibilities, he’s gone for the quiet cuddle type thing.

I push his dark bangs back out of his eyes and cup his cheek in my hand. “You just tired or are you just over all this yet?”

Again, all he does is shrug and I start to worry. This isn’t the typical silent treatment he’s perfected when we have a particularly bad fight; this is a different type of silence altogether. I don’t want to pester him, but if something’s wrong, I want him to know I care enough to push.

“Alex,” I say, my voice stern and full of authority. I turn his face so his eyes meet mine and I give him a look that says I’m serious. “Babe, what’s wrong? This isn’t like you. Last I talked to you, you’ve been having a great time and it sounded like you never wanted it to end. Now you’re acting like this. What’s going on?”

“I don’t even know,” He says finally. “I’ve just been having the kind of day where I want to be grumpy and not have people mess with me. So just cuddle me and let me be angsty and understand that it doesn’t have anything to do with you, okay?”

“I can do that,” I say, allowing everything I’d planned on talking to him about today to slip to the back burner so he can get over whatever sort of funk he’s in. Even though figuring our shit out is important, him putting on a good performance is even more imperative today. There’s only four more shows and he needs to finish this thing off strong, not fizzle out for the last few dates and let whatever this is get the best of him.

He lets out a long sigh and settles down even further into the couch, pulling me with him.

“You’re getting so big,” He mumbles, running his fingers up and down my belly causing goosebumps to form. “Have you been feeling it move as much as you were a few days ago?”

I shake my head. “Sometimes there’s a lot of movement and kicking and sometimes it’s pretty mellow. Today’s been one of those mellow days.”

Alex nods and continues rubbing my belly absentmindedly. He spaces out every so often before being brought back to reality long enough to glace over at me and smile and I sit in the silence the entire time, enjoying the comfort of his touch.

Even though he’s been gone for a large majority of the year, he’s somehow managed to avoid making me feel like I’m in this alone. Every time he comes home from tour or whenever I come out to see him, he always wants to know how I’m doing and how the pregnancy has been treating me. He’s genuinely curious about the growth of the baby and wants desperately to be a part of the entire thing. Something about the way he manages to make up for lost time every time we’re together gives me a good feeling about the way he’ll take full advantage of the time he has with our child while he’s not on the road.

It won’t be ideal, but we’ll make it work just like we’ve made everything else between us work.