Somewhere in Neverland

The cool October air whips against my bare legs and I curse myself for wearing shorts at this time of year. We’re all a little on edge after our five hour flight from California to Baltimore that included crying babies, obnoxious teen girls who felt it necessary to gossip across the plane, a grumpy old couple next to Bam who glared anytime one of us asked a question, uncooperative blood sugar, and every other thing that could have possibly gone wrong.

Murphy, you are one sick mother fucker.

What makes everything even better is the fact that we’re staying the night at Alex’s house in Baltimore. Not entirely sure who thought this would be a good idea, but I guess we’re about to see how it goes.

“Danger McGee!” I hear and I whip my head around to find the voice. I spot him approaching from the parking lot and a smile is spread across his entire face.

“Jack!” I yell, dropping my things and literally running to him.

We meet in a warm embrace and he picks me up momentarily, squeezing me tight.

“You look awful, Caroline,” He jokes. “The years have been hard on you.”

“You don’t look too good yourself, Barakat,” I fire back. “Just as scrawny as ever. Would ‘a thought you’d get some muscle or something. Maybe grow into your height a bit.”

He gets quiet and eyes the boys expectantly.

“Oh, right,” I say and laugh awkwardly. “This is Samson, our singer, Russell and Luke, our guitar players, Ian, our keyboard master, Theo, our drum god, Otto, our drum tech, Miller, our guitar tech, Roland, our manager, and Bam, our whatever we need him to be at the moment. And this,” I turn to the boys and smile triumphantly. “Is Jack, one of the coolest and most crass people you’ll ever meet.”

“Seems like a feat after meeting you,” Luke says under his breath, but Jack catches on.

“Who do you think taught Caroline everything she knows? Me. When I first met her she was a slightly un-corrupted little lady, but look at her now.” He turns to me. “Alex really wanted to come, but we may or may not have gotten pretty crazy last night and trashed his house. So he’s being a housewife right now.”

Something catches in my throat – maybe it’s the mention of Alex’s name, maybe it’s the fact that Jack Barakat is standing in front of me again, maybe it’s the fact that I’m back in Baltimore, or maybe it’s all of those things. “Th-that’s fine.”

He cocks his head to the side and a small, knowing smile pulls on his lips. We share a silent moment where his eyes tell me they know everything before Roland clears his throat and we’re brought back to reality.

“We should probably get going,” Jack says, pointing his thumbs back towards the parking lot.

“Yeah,” I say, turning to pick up my things.

We walk silently to the van, probably the same van that we’ll be traveling the country in for the next six weeks, and Jack stops and clears his throat.

“This, my new friends, is your new traveling, slightly disgusting, home. Treat her well,” He says, handing me the keys and winking.

“No,” I say, tossing the keys back to him. “I’m not in the mood to drive. You do it.”

“Do you have a death wish, woman?” He asks, mostly joking, but with a hint of realism implied. “Or has it really been seven years since we’ve seen each other?”

“Both,” I say, opening the passenger’s door and climbing in. “Plus I think I’m low.”

“Diabetes!” Jack screams, like he’s just had another realization. “I almost forgot about you being pancreatically challenged.”

The boys load the car and I do my best to avoid checking my blood sugar, instead pretending to be ADD and admiring different things about being back in Baltimore. I love that it’s been seven years since Jack and I have seen each other, but it doesn’t feel like there’s been any time in between now and our last encounter.

“So, how has life been treating you in California?” He asks, climbing into the driver’s seat and putting the key into the ignition.

“It’s been good,” I say. “It’s gotten better since these goons entered my life.”

I turn and look at the odd assortment of boys in the backseat. Who would have ever guessed that these nine boys would become so much like brothers to me? I never did.

“I’m no goon,” Otto announces, crossing his arms across his chest. “I’m a human being.”

“Well that’s good to know,” Theo chirps, elbowing his cousin playfully. “I thought you were an alien for a while.”

The rest of the ride is filled with effortless small talk. Jack seems to legitimately enjoy spending time with the boys and I, and they seem to really like talking to him, too. It goes from serious small talk about our formation to joking around in a split second and everyone’s already taken to cracking jokes about one another. And despite the boys’ love of All Time Low, none of them seem to be star struck. Jack is just another person to them.

“We’re here!” He announces loudly, pulling into the driveway of a cute little house.

Almost immediately, the front door swings open and Alex, Zack, and Rian book it out. Before I have the chance to, Zack opens the passenger’s door and pulls me out of the van, wrapping his muscular arms around me.

It feels good to be home.

“Caroline, it’s so good to see you!” He says, not lessening his grip on my body.

I laugh. “It’s good to see you, too, Zack.”

“Back off, buddy,” I overhear Rian say, putting his arm on Zack’s bicep and attempting to pull him off me. “It’s my turn now.”

Zack lets go and I’m immediately engrossed in a Rian hug. Much like Zack’s, it’s extremely tight and comforting. These boys were like my brothers when I lived in Baltimore and it’s good to be reunited with them.

Rian lets go and steps aside, anticipating Alex stepping in immediately. Instead, he stands on the edge of the driveway and the grass with his hands shoved deep within his pockets and a conflicting look on his face. It’s not a bad conflicting, just a confused look.

After a few moments of eye-contact, he cocks his head to the side and smiles, letting me know I can approach him safely.

When he wraps his arms around me, I want to melt into his body like I used to. I want to be held close to his chest forever, comforted by the closeness and warmth and the protectiveness of his muscular arms.

The truth is, I haven’t had a real boyfriend since Alex. I’ve had casual flings and open relationships, but nothing felt as real as it did with Alex. He set the bar pretty high as far as boyfriends are concerned and no one has quite lived up to him.

“Don’t be offended,” Jack says. “She’ll introduce you soon enough. Right after she’s reintroduced to his penis.”

“Shut up,” I say, pulling away from Alex’s grasp. “This is Theo, Otto, Miller, Ian, Russell, Samson, Luke, Roland, and Bam and that’s Zack, Rian, and Alex.”

“Miller?” Alex laughs. “Dude, you got shafted.”

“Yeah, I know,” Miller answers back. “But I could have been Thatcher, Foster, or Gunner, so I’ve just accepted it.”

Miller’s comment breaks any awkwardness there was and everyone laughs.

“Let’s get you guys inside,” Alex says, walking over to the trunk to help grab stuff. “You guys are probably tired.”

That’s the understatement of the century. I’m exhausted and my blood sugar is most definitely low now.

I haul whatever I can manage into the house and drop everything in front of the door, opting to sit down for a few minutes.

“No, cause that’s cool, too, Cara,” Russell says, tripping over my duffel bag. “I didn’t want to walk or anything.”

I shrug and attempt to unzip my backpack to find my test kit, but my hands fumble slightly. Yup, definitely on the verge of passing out.

Instead of testing, I pull a can of juice out of my bag and flick open the tab, throwing it back effortlessly before beginning my tirade for the next thing to consume.

After I down another two juices and am rustling through my bag for something to eat, I meet a pair of eyes I don’t know. They belong to a tall, lanky boy whose shaggy brown hair is tucked underneath a baseball cap. He’s standing behind the counter, a can of Coke raised almost to his lips, but it doesn’t make it there. I can tell by the confused, yet curious smirk on his face that he’s been watching the entire time.

“I’m Caroline,” I say, still too low to care if I sound like an idiot. “I have diabetes.”

“I’m John,” He answers back. “I can’t think of anything off the top of my head that trumps diabetes, so I’ll have to get back to you on that one.”

Alex wanders in after a few minutes and is startled to learn that I’ve met John already.

“Oh, you two have met,” He says, confused.

“Diabetes,” John says, referring to me, still shoving food into my mouth.

“Yeah,” Alex says slowly, looking to me for clarification.

“Your boy thinks my lows are funny,” I say in between bites of a crushed chewy bar I found at the bottom of my bag of diabetes magic. “I’m pretty sure I’m providing free entertainment right now.”

“You realize that you’re both openers for us, right?” He asks, looking back and forth between me and John.

“No,” I say, pointing my granola bar in his direction. “You didn’t mention that.”

“I’m John Gomez,” He says. “I play guitar for The Summer Set.”

“Caroline McGee. I play bass in Feral Amity.”

“You a one woman show?” He asks, noting the boys’ absence.

I shake my head. “No, sir. I’m just part of a band that really fucking likes to sleep.”

He laughs a genuine laugh.

If everyone is this cool, then this tour is going to be awesome and pretty easy to adjust to.

Alex stands there awkwardly and John gets the hint that he wanted to talk to me. I’m not really in the mood to bring up unwanted feelings from the past, but he seems like he wants to get something off his chest.

“Bye, John! It was really nice meeting you!” I call after him.

He waves over his shoulder and Alex takes a step towards me as butterflies flutter in my stomach.

Fuck, they’re having a fucking dance party in there right now.

If my blood sugar wasn’t refusing to come up right now, I probably would strip my pants off right here and make sweet, sweet love to him. But because it is and I know I’d probably pass out shortly into the act, I’m forced to sit here and think about it.

He plays with his hands and slowly looks up to make eye contact with me.

“I didn’t leave you by choice, Alex,” I blurt out before he has a chance to say anything.

“I know you didn’t,” He says, thrown off a bit. “I just, just wanted to say that I had a girlfriend.”

Well fuck you, too.