Somewhere in Neverland

“Babe, seriously? We’re gonna be late!” Alex yells as he bounds up the stairs and into the bedroom. He’s been home for a little over six weeks and it’s been a whirlwind of nesting and figuring our shit out together ever since. I ignore him as he sits down next to me on the edge of the bed, instead focusing on the words laid out in front of my face.



“I hate her,” I feel the tears begin to form as I thrust my phone at him. “What kind of mother says something like that? She ruins everything.”

He gives me an empathetic look as he wraps his arms tightly around my body. “Don’t give her that power, though. She says shit like this because she knows it upsets you.”

“How do you just ignore all the shit she says about you?” I ask, bewildered.

He laughs bitterly. “I don’t ignore it. I fucking tell the bitch off.”

Sometime around the time Alex and I started dating for the first time back in high school, my mom’s views on him changed drastically. Throughout most of our childhood she’d seemed indifferent to him. She honestly didn’t pay much attention to me or my sisters, so to think she’d pay attention to other kids we had over just seems stupid to me now. Alex was just another minor annoyance to her whenever she graced the house with her presence, but she put up with him because she knew it meant I had someone to keep me occupied and out of her hair.

Around middle school was when she started seeming more and more opposed to having him around, but my dad loved Alex and he fought her hard enough to win that particular battle. But in high school when we started showing an actual interest in each other was when she put her foot down and really voiced her disdain for him. Alex, being the opinionated and vocal kid he was, wasn’t afraid to stand up for himself and earned even more hatred from my mother for being a “defiant and disrespectful little shit.” What my mom didn’t realize was that I was just as defiant as he was. Couple that with me walking in on her in bed with another man and my vindictiveness and I won that battle and Alex was allowed around on the grounds that I didn’t tell anybody about the affair.

“I don’t want to go today,” I stare at the wall in front of me and blink the tears out of my eyes.

“You don’t have a choice,” He answers immediately, standing up and pulling me into his chest. “You’re due next week and I’m honestly surprised you haven’t been put on bed rest yet. So let’s not defy the doctor’s orders and just go to your check-up, okay?”

“What if they admit me today?” I whine, allowing him to lead me out of the bedroom and down the stairs to the kitchen where he grabs his keys off the counter.

“Then they admit you and we go from there,” He shrugs nonchalantly. “Isn’t that what you want, though? You’re always complaining about how much you want the baby out.”

There’s a nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach and I momentarily feel like I’m going to throw up. As uncomfortable as I am and as much as I want the baby out, the actual birthing process still freaks me the fuck out. We’ve gone to birthing and Lamaze classes, but it hasn’t helped settle my nerves at all. If anything, it’s just helped Alex learn breathing techniques in case he feels uneasy about what he’s about to play witness to.

“I’m scared,” I admit, leaning down hard on my elbows and look to him for reassurance.

He nods slowly and his eyes tell me he’s just as scared as I am. “Me, too.”

“Please don’t say shit like that,” I close my eyes and grimace.

There are some times that I appreciate Alex’s honesty. When we first found out I was pregnant, him telling me he was scared about the idea of him becoming a father, yet his persistence and support in telling me that we would figure it out together was admirable. But now I don’t want him to tell me he’s scared, too. I want him to put on a brave face and tell me that he’s gonna be by my side throughout the entire process and that it’s all going to be just fine. For the most part, he’s perfected a gentler approach to avoid fits of tears on my part, but there are some things that he still needs to work on and his fake confidence is one of them.

“What, you want me to lie to you and tell you I’m not scared?” He asks, a harsh edge in his tone. “I’m just as scared as you are and you know that, so don’t make me lie to you.”

Guilty tears prick the back of my eyes and I fight to keep them from falling, but ultimately they win out. I sniffle dramatically and wipe my cheeks with the back of my forearm.

“Don’t cry,” His voice is softer now and he approaches me slowly before wrapping his arms around my neck. He kisses the top of my head softly and rubs comforting circles on my back. “Everything’s gonna be fine. They’re probably gonna tell us that you’re fine to come home and to just take it easy, you know? And if not, I’ll be by your side the entire time.”

“Let’s go,” I say in a moment of false bravado and confidence, lacing my fingers in his.

He turns off the lights and locks the door behind us as we make our way out to the car. The June air is hot and humid and I want nothing more than to be able to lounge in a pool or curl up in the comfort of our air-conditioned house and read a book.

“Are the fans still pissed you pulled out of all your summer dates?” I ask out of the blue once he’s backed out of the driveway and we’re on the road to the doctor’s office.

“Some of them, yeah,” He answers, grabbing ahold of my hand across the console. “But a lot of them have been really cool about it.”

“You just said it was due to family stuff, right?”

He nods and keeps his eyes on the road, but I can still tell he feels a bit uneasy about it all.

“Is that not what you wanted to say?” I ask, sensing he’s not telling me something.

I watch as his grip tightens on the steering wheel, causing his knuckles to turn white. He stares straight ahead and shrugs. “I don’t know what I want to say. I feel like it’d just be better to come out and tell them the real reason and hope they respect it than lie to them and have them speculate,” He stops for a red light and turns to face me with a confused expression. “Like, I don’t want for one day to have our kid Google my name or their name and have it turn up with a whole bunch of drama and I sure as hell don’t want our kid to feel like I was ashamed to admit they were born, you know? I’m not ashamed, I’m pretty damn excited and everything, but at the same time, I don’t wanna have to share them with the fans. I want to be able to enjoy having a baby and not have the fans be sticking their noses into its life. They already pry into our relationship now that we’ve admitted we’re together, but it just seems inappropriate and like, a violation of rights for a kid to not be able to have a say in that.”

“Here’s my philosophy: it’s better you tell the world than someone else,” I say, squeezing his hand. He returns his gaze to the road when the light turns green and we begin moving again. “I’d rather have you be the one that verifies everything. Plus, I feel like I’d be more comfortable with you posting pictures of them than having fans try to get pictures of our kid to prove their point.”

“It would make life a whole lot easier,” He admits, pulling into a parking spot before turning off the engine.

“Then you should do it,” I say simply as I awkwardly pull myself from the car.

He runs to catch up and holds the door open for me as I waddle my way towards the front desk where I sign in before we take a seat to wait for my name being called.

I flip through a few parenting magazines while we wait in an attempt to keep my mind from combing over the “what if’s” as Alex stares blankly at his phone.

“McGee,” A nurse announces, snapping Alex and I back into reality.

He hoists me out of the chair and follows closely behind as the nurse stops in front of the scale and instructs me to step on.

“This is the worst,” I groan, watching the numbers fluctuate slightly before settling on a number that’s displeasing to the eyes. “How much have I gained?”

“In total, you’ve gained a little over 30 pounds,” The nurse smiles sweetly and shows us to the room where she takes my vitals and instructs me to change into a gown before the doctor comes in.

“These appointments will be the death of me,” I whine as Alex helps to yanks my t-shirt over my head because I’m not in the mood to do it myself. He laughs while I begrudgingly pull my shorts off and throw them at him before I climb onto the exam table and cross my legs self-consciously.

“Well, it could be Jack’s dad getting all up in there, so be thankful it’s not,” He points out.

“And everything is put into perspective!” I say. “Speaking of parents, when are yours flying out?”

He gives me a coy smile that’s meant to say, ‘I don’t remember, but I’m gonna try to be cute and pull this whole thing off so don’t be mad at me.’

“The amount of information you forget is scary.”

“I’ll call my mom later. I feel like it’s soon, but I can’t remember if she said they were coming out for the actual birth or if they would come out after.”

I shake my head in disbelief. “That’s kind of a huge piece of information, Alex.”

“We went back and forth about which one was better, Caroline,” He’s being sassy now, but a knock on the door causes him to lose his train of thought.

“How are we doing today?” Dr. Rhodes asks as he shakes my hand and turns to Alex to do the same.

“Eh, I’ve been better.”

He glances over to Alex, who is once again off in his own little world, entertained by anything that’s at least slightly new and exciting. He shakes his head and turns his attention to helping me lie back.

“Is the baby still as active as it has been in prior weeks?” He asks, poking and prodding my belly with his fingers, warranting a flurry of protests from the baby as it kicks my ribs. “Nevermind,” He laughs, getting a kick out of the amount of movement.

He proceeds to check the baby’s heartbeat, measure my belly, estimate the baby is about 6 pounds or so, and prepares to check my cervix.

“Hold my hand,” I instruct Alex, who obediently stands up and comes to my side.

“Just going to feel some pressure,” Dr. Rhodes says, pressing on my lower abdomen and going full ham on my lady bits. I try to pay attention to anything but what’s going on down there, but I haven’t been gifted with the same level of ADD Alex has and instead find myself making weird faces at Alex while he gives me a freaked out look. “You, my dear, are about three centimeters dilated and 50% effaced.”

“What does that mean?” Alex asks immediately.

He takes his gloves off and throws them in the trash can before motioning for me to sit up. “So, 10 centimeters and 100% effaced is where she needs to be for me to be able to say that she’s complete and ready to push. Right now your cervix is 50% effaced, or thinned, and you’re 3 centimeters dilated. So you’re getting there, but obviously you’re not there, yet.”

“So I’m in labor?” I clarify.

“Your body is preparing you for labor. So you could have this baby tonight or you could have this baby next week, it just depends on how quickly your body is willing to work,” He explains. “Any other questions?”

“Nope, I don’t think so,” I look over to Alex, who’s mind has wandered long enough for him to find a pamphlet on the wall labeled diabetes and point to it and laugh. “I’m sorry for his lack of attention span. We’re working on it.”

“I’m sorry,” He apologizes, the smile on his face disappearing.

We both shake Dr. Rhode’s hands before he dismisses himself so I can get dressed and Alex returns his attention to his phone.

“Wanna get lunch with Ri, Jack, and Noelle after this?” He asks as I pull my shirt over my head.

“Sure!”

Only after we set up another appointment for next week and get a slew of instructions in the form of pamphlets on how to prepare for birth and when to come back in are we allowed to leave. Alex drives us a short distance to the downtown area where we’ve agreed to meet for lunch and parks the car on the street.

Alex intertwines his fingers with mine on the short walk from the car to the restaurant and has a goofy grin on his face the entire time.

“What’re you smiling about, weirdo?”

“We’re gonna have a baby soon!” He proclaims loudly, lacing his arm around my waist and pulling me in to kiss the top of my head. “We can stop being harassed by everyone about what the gender is and what the name is gonna be and all the other petty bullshit!”

“And start being up in the middle of the night for feedings and diaper changes and anything else the baby wants or needs,” I point out. “And say goodbye to my vagina as you know it.”

He makes a grossed out face and I think it sinks in that things down there aren’t ever going to be the same again. “But I like it,” He whines.

“I know, I do, too.”

We find the restaurant and Alex spots Rian in a booth near the back. All three are anxious to hear about the appointment and forego the usual small talk to focus on everything the doctor told us.

“I’m three centimeters and 50% effaced, so I guess I can go into labor any time now,” I say casually, biting the tip of my straw while combing over the menu.

“Are you hoping it’s sooner than later?” Rian asks.

I shake my head. “Dude, as much as I want this baby out, I’m so terrified of the whole birthing thing that I feel like I’m gonna cry when I even think about it.”

“Next time remind Romeo over here to wear a condom,” Jack winks. “Then you don’t have to worry about all this.”

“You know you’re benefiting from him forgetting a condom that one time,” I roll my eyes. “Otherwise Uncle Jack wouldn’t be a thing.”

“Oh, I’m not denying that. I’m fucking stoked you guys had a lapse in judgment one time because now there’s gonna be an All Time Low mascot… a human baby.”

Noelle shakes her head and tries not to laugh at Jack’s ridiculousness. “Sometimes I wonder what goes on in your mind that makes you think saying shit like that is socially acceptable,” She says, but he only glances over at her and smiles his goofy smile, not at all fazed by her minute joke on his part.

“I’m constantly surrounded by three dudes that understand me enough to never take the shit I say seriously or delve deeper into it,” He shrugs.

“Yeah, you really just start to tune him out after a while,” Rian nods.

Lunch goes on like this for some time. We make small talk the entire time and pick at our food because we’re more interested in our discussion than actually eating and we’re too caught up in the moment to think of anything else.

After such a long and, for the most part, lonely pregnancy, to be surrounded by such good friends is a relief in every sense of the word. Being able to have a face-to-face conversation with four of my best friends and having them all in the same room together for the first time since November is surreal.

And everything feels right.