Somewhere in Neverland

“Are you watching?” Natalie asks excitedly. Her toes are curled over the edge of the diving board and she watches the crowd intently to make sure we’re all paying attention.

“Yeah,” I answer from the shallow end, lowering myself so my shoulders are submerged to escape the hot sun. “Do it!”

Caroline’s sitting in the shade under a large umbrella that covers the patio table, glaring at me for encouraging Natalie’s daredevil stunts. She eyes her sister nervously as she prepares herself on the diving board, but can’t bite her tongue. “Natalie, please be careful!” She calls out, but Natalie brushes her off.

“She’s fine,” Jay says, not bothering to watch whatever she’s about to do. He’s too preoccupied with the burgers on the grill and his conversation with the other dads to really worry.

Still, Caroline and the other ladies look uneasy as Natalie takes a deep breath and kicks off the board, maneuvering her body expertly into a twisting motion before extending herself into a diving position right as she hits the water. It’s quite impressive and probably reflects her years of extensive gymnastics and dance training, but it doesn’t stop the collective gasp from the patio.

She surfaces and swims down to the shallow end where a few of us are enjoying the laziness the holiday allows. Apparently these 4th of July barbeques are a tradition with the Feral Amity families, which blend together to form one overwhelmingly large, complex, and bizarre family unit. I’m surrounded by unfamiliar faces, but Caroline promises me I’ll eventually get used to the unusual dynamics and find my place. Until then, I occupy myself with her younger sisters, who’ve taken to using my body as a jungle gym in the water while Caroline sits with her band mate’s moms, girlfriends, and wives and carries on an effortless conversation.

“Watch me, Alex!” Olivia demands, snapping my attention back to the girls.

She clings to the wall with one arm while she uses her free hand to pull a pair of goggles haphazardly over her eyes. She’s still a bit uncoordinated and struggles to stay above the water, but her determination and drive to learn doesn’t stop her from venturing from the wall.

She kicks off the wall and swims awkwardly towards me, still trying to master the concept of “one arm then the other.” It somehow turns into doggy paddle mixed with a little bit of breast stroke, but the concentration on her face reminds me of Caroline when we were kids. It didn’t matter what we were doing or how bad she was at something, because she’d try her best and not accept defeat and that’s exactly how Olivia is.

Once she’s within arm’s reach, I hold my hand out and she grabs it.

“That was so good!” I exclaim, settling her on my hip and offer her a high five. She wears a proud smile on her blue lips and accepts the gesture. “Are you cold?”

“I’m freezing,” She answers quickly, but the smile doesn’t disappear.

“Maybe you should warm up, silly,” I say, noting how little fat she has on her body. She’s all muscle and can’t regulate her body temperature in the cold water, despite the July heat.

She shakes her head. “Not unless you come with me!”

“I can do that,” I say, thankful to get out of the pool and spend a little time with Caroline.



I planted myself in a chair in the shade the minute Alex and I arrived at the Savage’s annual 4th of July barbeque and haven’t moved since. It’s been difficult fending off my sisters’ requests that I get in the pool and swim with them without admitting to the contractions I’ve been having at regular intervals since last night. If anyone found out I was in labor, they’d harass me into going to the hospital, but I’m not about to miss out on today’s festivities.

Sitting around the patio table in the Savage’s backyard reminds me of all the years I called this place home and all the memories I’ve made here. I’m surrounded by the people I call family because they’ve stuck around and gave me love, not because they’re blood, and find myself happier than I’ve been in a long time. This is home.

I’m brought out of my serene state and back into reality as another contraction hits. Mama Savage watches me like a hawk, sensing the discomfort I’m trying my best to hide, so I put on a fake smile and pretend everything is fine.

“Watch me, Alex!” I hear Olivia call and I turn my attention to the pool in an attempt to get my mind to wander elsewhere and I admire the way Alex interacts with my little sisters.

He wears a proud look on his face the entire time Olivia swims to him, offering her a high five when she reaches him and I’m glad he’s so hands on with them. Witnessing Alex become a big brother to my little sisters has been one of the most reassuring things throughout my pregnancy and has given me faith that Alex will transition into fatherhood seamlessly. He’s adamant we’re having a girl, despite my sneaking suspicions we’re having a boy, but it’s nice to see him interact with my sisters and not be put off by everything that comes along with little girls because I hadn’t really considered the fact that he could be right. I just always assumed I would give birth to a boy and he’d be a little Alex – a thought that both scares the hell out of me and makes me really excited – but as labor progresses, I’m thankful things could go either way and he’d be completely fine. Me, on the other hand, I need to worry about.

Alex catches me watching him and smiles as he makes his way out of the pool with Olivia on his hip. He sets her down and grabs a towel from the stack Mama Savage set out before wrapping her up in it.

She loses interest in him when she sees a platter of fruit on the table and carefully combs over her options and finally settles into Mama Savage’s lap with a goofy grin on her face and fistfuls of cut up strawberries.

I feel drops of water hit my exposed thighs and I look up to see Alex leaning over me to grab a grape. He smiles when he notices and leans down to kiss the top of my head.

“So we haven’t heard names yet. Have you guys settled on anything?” Sam’s mom, Audrey, turns the attention back on me and the pregnancy.

Alex pulls a chair up next to me and sits down, reaching out for my hand, which I gladly give to him. I look to him for confirmation and he just shrugs. “I think so,” I say, unsure he’s still on board. His body language says otherwise. “Maybe? We’re very indecisive people.”

“Are you gonna share?” Everyone at the table looks expectantly at us, but Alex answers for me with a shake of his head and a smug smile on his face.

“You’re really going to make us wait?” Ian’s mom, Kristen, asks dramatically.

“They’ve made us wait this long,” My dad glances over his shoulder from his place at the grill and shoots me a disbelieving look. “What makes you think they won’t make us wait until the baby is born?”

“You’re a very smart man, Jay,” Alex laughs as he and my dad exchange a fist bump before he returns his attention to the burgers.

Instinctively, I clasp Alex’s hand tightly when I feel another contraction come on and this time everybody at the table senses something is out of the ordinary. He tightens his grip on my hand and looks at me with worry and confusion.

“Are you okay?”

“You’re having contractions, aren’t you?” Mama Savage asks loudly and I shake my head, completely denying anything of the sort.

My dad spins around immediately and the pain from the contraction coupled with everybody’s attention is too much to handle. Noelle has a dumb smile on her face and Alex has suddenly become a sickly shade of white, clasping onto my hand for dear life.

Don’t crap out on me now. I mentally plead with him. You’re supposed to be the brave one.

“How far apart are they?” Zoe asks, wrangling a squirming Micah in her arms; just another reminder of my impeding motherhood.

All I can do is shrug. Besides “frequent”, I don’t exactly know how to explain it. All I know is that I’d rather progress a little bit further here, surrounded by my friends and family in a serene environment, then be hooked up to all sorts of machines and be poked and prodded by nurses and doctors. Everyone knows how freaked out I am by the hospital setting, so I don’t want to evoke an urgency in the situation. I want it to just unfold in the most familiar environment I can.

“When did they start?” Kristen asks, excitement evident in her voice.

“Last night,” I finally admit. “I thought they were just Braxton-Hicks contractions at first because we’ve gone in a few times and just had false alarms, but these didn’t stop after a few hours.”

Everyone seems to come to an understanding that I have things under control for now and to leave it at that, but they start timing and keeping track of the contractions. It’s nice to be surrounded by a group of women who have gone through all of this before because if Alex and I were alone right now, we wouldn’t know what any of these signs meant.

After about an hour, I’m in excruciating pain and make Alex come lay on the couch with me. My band mates are sprawled out across the living room and don’t notice when we come in. They’re too engrossed in the video game they’re playing to pay any attention to us and it isn’t until the party gets brought indoors that the boys start to show their frustration at the noise level.

“With all due respect, mom, can you shut the fuck up?” Luke rolls over onto his side and looks sternly at his mom. If I wasn’t in so much pain, I’d get up and smack him for back talking, but that seems like too much effort.

Instead of responding to his rude comment, she simply walks over to the wall and unplugs the console and puts her hands on her hips in her typical sassy fashion. “Caroline’s in labor and we’ll talk all we want. Until you have to push a baby out of your genitals, you won’t have any say in situations like this. Now if you’d like to continue playing video games, you guys are free to go up to your room, but you’re not going to be an asshole down here.”

Some of the boys collect the equipment and shuffle towards the stairs.

“Dude, I love your mom,” Sam nudges Luke with his elbow, but he just responds with a groan.

“Ten points to Mama Savage,” Ian winks as he settles onto the arm of the couch to watch me in all my glory.

I’ve accumulated quite the crowd and I feel more like a circus attraction than anything else. Alex sits behind me on the couch and rubs my back to alleviate the aches and pains in the only way he knows how. He whispers encouraging words and holds me close when the contractions come and somehow puts on a brave face for me.

“I think you guys might have a fourth of July baby,” Zoe announces as she looks up from her watch and I feel another contraction coming. “You’re three minutes apart.”

“Is it time to go to the hospital?” I whimper through the contraction and she nods.

Alex is still in his wet bathing suit, so I urge him to go change quickly. He slips off the couch and wanders to find his clothes as Mama Savage takes his place, rubbing my back and saying comforting things.

Back when I first found out I was pregnant, one of my biggest worries was that I was going to turn out like my mom: cold, calloused, and unable to show affection. What I’ve realized throughout this pregnancy is that even though I have mommy issues because my birth mother is an awful person and didn’t ever show me what being a mother is all about, I have Mama Savage, who is more of a mother to me than my own mother will ever be. She’s showed me how to be a good mom and how to be there for someone unconditionally simply because you love them. Mama Savage has been my mom since I first moved in with them eight years ago, but the full effect only truly hits me now.

“I want you to stay with me,” I find her eyes and there’s a surprised look on her face. “I want you to be with me.”

“Caroline…” She says slowly, but I nod my head firmly.

“Please don’t leave me,” I beg, my voice cracking as tears well in my eyes. The pain is intolerable and fear begins to set in as everything becomes real. I’m going to be a mom and it’s happening now. This is real and there’s no going back.

She wraps her arms around my body and hugs me close. “I’d never leave you.”

“I love you, mama.”



Apparently Caroline is planning a party in the delivery room because Mrs. Savage, Alex, and I all stand by for support as the doctor checks her cervix for the second time since we got here an hour ago. Progress has seemed to slow and I now understand Caroline’s reasoning for not coming sooner. She’s hooked up to all sorts of monitors and is being watched closely by both her obstetrician and a team of nurses trained to deal with her diabetes.

“You’re eight and a half centimeters and 100% effaced,” The doctor announces to Caroline’s dismay. She was eight centimeters an hour ago and was convinced she was dying. “So you’re moving right along.”

This past hour has been emotionally draining; watching my best friend be in this amount of pain is the most miserable thing in the world. I’ve been with her through some of the roughest parts of her life, but this is the most difficult thing I’ve seen her go through.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m honored to have been asked to be in the delivery room. She’s my best friend and I hope one day when I have kids that she’ll be there by my side, making inappropriate comments the entire time, but somehow still being supportive in the best way possible. But if there’s one thing this experience has made me realize, it’s that I don’t want kids quite yet. Maybe after all this is said and done and there’s a baby Gaskarth sitting in her arms I’ll feel differently, but for right now, I can’t imagine what she’s going through.

“I want an epidural,” She says with the most serious face I’ve ever seen. There’s an intense moment of silence as she looks at Dr. Rhodes before he comprehends what she says and goes to inform the anesthesiologist.

Before today, Caroline was adamant she was going the natural childbirth route. She’s pretty good with pain, but something about needles has always freaked her out. I think she’s accepted that things like IVs and blood draws are just a part of life and has learned to keep herself calm, but an epidural was just always out of the question. So to see her be so dead serious about wanting one is bizarre and a little terrifying.

“I hate you so much right now,” She whines at Alex, gripping the bed rail tightly as a particularly rough contraction comes. I can see the magnitude of each contraction by watching the line on the monitor race across the screen like a heart monitor. “I’m never doing this again.”

“Just breathe,” He says in the best soothing voice he can muster as he leans his forehead against hers. “You can do this, babe.”

Years ago when I first met Alex on our fateful undergrad trips to San Francisco, I thought he was a player. No, scratch that, I thought he was a tool, a douche, a man whore and every other negative thing a person could be. I knew there was something that made him special to Caroline and he made her happy, so I didn’t voice my opinion, but it took a long time for me to become a fan of his. But right now I have all the respect in the world for him. Alex, the same guy I witnessed my best friend hook up with in a number of odd places – the same guy who slept with a plethora of other girls, but somehow always managed to make it back into my best friend’s life – has grown up so much in the past seven years. He’s keeping her calm and collected and has his eyes on the prize: his baby. He isn’t running away like the scared little boy I met at Warped back in 2007.

“Knock, knock,” A tall man enters the room and everyone’s attention immediately turns to him. “I’m Dr. Conway, your anesthesiologist. Dr. Rhodes tells me you asked for an epidural, is that correct?”

She wears a pathetic pout as she nods.

He explains in the least amount of detail what he’ll be doing as Caroline sits on the edge of the bed and shakes with nervousness. Mrs. Savage steps in to comfort her and cradles her head against her chest as the doctor pokes her back with his fingers.

“Take nice deep breaths for me, okay?” Dr. Conway instructs softly. He can tell she’s scared and does an amazing job of keeping her relaxed. Alex, on the other hand, is looking a little pale.

“You doing alright?” I whisper, wrapping my arm around his back.

He nods, but keeps his worried eyes on Caroline the entire time.

“It’s normal to feel cold and maybe even a little shaky afterwards,” Dr. Conway explains as he continues his work. “And after your epidural is in place, we’ll have a nurse put in a catheter because your entire lower half will be numb.”

“She’s gonna be fine, Alex,” I assure him when he doesn’t appear any more relaxed. “She’s tough.”

Things settle down after the epidural kicks in. Caroline is in this weird, ultra happy, yet sort of sedated state of exhaustion where everything is “beautiful.” Alex relaxes a bit, too. Seeing her in pain and knowing he put her in this situation can’t be a good feeling, especially knowing he’s pretty much useless in the situation besides a few encouraging words here and there and providing a hand to squeeze during contractions.

It’s nearly seven by the time Dr. Rhodes comes in to check her cervix again and announces she’s fully dilated and ready to push.

I’m put on picture duty as Alex and Mrs. Savage stand by her sides and hold her legs as she bears down and begins pushing. Childbirth may be a beautiful thing to some, but I can’t really describe the image I’m facing. Here’s my best friend, baring it all and in a completely vulnerable position and I’m expected to take pictures. It’s especially odd at first since everyone in the room is looking expectantly at her vagina, waiting for the baby’s head to begin to crown before its big debut.

“Can you see it yet?” She asks with heavy breaths after about an hour of pushing.

“Not quite yet,” Dr. Rhodes says. “But you’re nearly there now!”

She’s red in the face and giving up on herself quickly, letting the frustration and impatience get the best of her. She pushes for what seems like forever before exhaling dramatically and I can see the tears well in her eyes.

“I give up,” She sobs. “I can’t do it. Can’t you just cut it out of me or something?”

Her question isn’t said with sarcasm or attitude at all. It’s simply a plea to the doctor to do something to help her along. I’m standing here, waiting for something worthy of a picture, but remaining completely useless. It’s tempting to start a dramatic slow clap or scream out encouragements, but I know it’s not appropriate, despite how funny that story would be years down the road.

“There’s not going to be a C-section today,” He answers. “You are right about to crown, which means you’re on the brink of holding your baby in your arms. I want you to take a few seconds to breathe really deep and then bear down and push with all your strength, okay? We’re gonna get through this, Caroline.”

“You’re doing so great,” Alex whispers as he helps her readjust so she’s sitting up a bit more. “You can do this.”

And then something crazy happens. Caroline suddenly finds some extra store of energy and has found a new determination to get through this.

“Dude, I can see the head!” I blurt out before I can consider whether or not it was inappropriate.

Caroline looks at me in disbelief, but then her face contorts into what I can only assume is happiness. “Really?”

I nod excitedly, feeling the same way as when Caroline had first told me she was pregnant. Back then, none of this seemed real, though, but now everything hits me.

Caroline’s undivided attention returns to pushing, knowing her baby is finally cooperating. Alex watches in awe the entire time, glancing back and forth between Caroline’s determined face and his child being brought into the world.

“The head is out,” Dr. Rhodes announces after a few tense moments. “This baby has a full head of hair!”

Caroline throws her head back onto the bed as the doctor suctions the baby’s nose and throat. She’s exhausted from the nearly four hours she’s been pushing, but there’s a fire in her eyes that says she’s ready to finish this whole thing.

“With the next push, you’re going to be a mommy,” Dr. Rhode’s words give her enough strength to muster one final push as the baby slips into the world. “It’s a girl!”