Somewhere in Neverland

“Holy shit, we did it,” Alex smiles as we watch Annabelle completely destroy the little cupcake that sits in front of her. Pink frosting covers her face, hands, and most of the high chair as she flails her arms around in the most coordinated manner she can manage.

“A whole year,” I nod. Thinking back on the last year is difficult. A lot of last summer is a giant blur of dirty diapers, exhaustion, and horrendous emotional breakdowns as we tried to transition into parenthood. Everyone told us it’d get easier over time, but as Annabelle grows, more challenges keep coming our way. Despite how hard motherhood is, I wouldn’t change it for anything.

“Only seventeen more,” Noelle throws her arm around my neck and cocks her head to the side to admire Annabelle’s mess.

I poke her protruding belly and laugh. “And you have 18 plus with this little monster.”

She nods. “The struggle is real.”

I never realized the seriousness of Noelle and Jack’s relationship until they broke the news to us that she was pregnant. Although they’ve been together for over a year and a half it was still shocking that they were settling down and planning a life together.

“Well, now that you know it’s a boy you can just accept that his name is going to be Kevin McCallister Barakat,” I say. “At least you have one thing out of the way.”

“No,” She whines. “You don’t even know how many times he’s suggested that.”

“And Kevin and Anna can get married,” I turn back to Annabelle, who is now bored of her cupcake and dropping bits and pieces of it onto the ground. “Don’t you think this classy lady would be perfect for your little monster?”

“We’re not naming him Kevin,” She demands. “Fuck that.”

Alex has cleaned Annabelle off for the most part and pulled her out of her highchair before handing her off to my dad, who holds her above his head and blows raspberries on her stomach. She giggles uncontrollably before he settles her on his hip.

“You’re not paying very good attention to your daughter,” Alex says into my ear as he wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me close.

“I watched her demolish her cake with her face,” I defend, turning into his chest. “Doesn’t that automatically make me mother of the year?”

“Only today,” He says before kissing my cheek. “And only because it’s her birthday.”

Olivia tugs on my arm. “Can I go swim now?”

Alex lets go of me and turns to my sister. “Of course you can!” He picks her up and slings her over his shoulder, marching off towards the pool. She laughs the entire way before he throws her into the deep end.

“Alex!” She yells after she surfaces, faking a pout.

“At least you can swim now,” He jokes as she splashes water at him.

It’s weird thinking back to last year’s 4th of July party. I spent the entirety of it planted in a chair, doing my best to pretend I wasn’t having contractions while Alex played in the pool with my sisters. Last year I admired the way he took on a caring big brother role to them while I worried about my own fate as a parent.

Things were different back then. Nothing seemed certain and everything was an unknown. Now we’re more stable; new things are less scary to face. Alex and I are working out the kinks in our relationship and settling down. I no longer feel broken by my past because I can look at Annabelle and know that she’ll never have to worry about the things that I did. I look at her and see a part of me and a part of Alex and it comforts me knowing that no matter what, Alex and I will always be tethered together by this little being.

“What’re you thinking about?” Rian nudges me gently with his elbow and offers a small smile.

“Dude, I have a one year old,” I say simply. “Do you know how bizarre that is?”

“We’re growing up, Cara,” He shakes his head. “It’s crazy to think about everything that’s coming our way and everything we’ve been through, but it just keeps moving.”

“Look who’s all grown up and wise,” I joke. “Getting married must change a person or something.”

“Cass says sorry for not being able to make it, by the way. She’s super bummed she couldn’t see her favorite niece turn one.”

“That’s why you’re not the godparents,” I say nonchalantly. “But I mean, being on tour is cool. I guess that makes up for missing a huge milestone or something.”

He can’t help but laugh. “Fair, but we call the next one. Got it?”

“Next one?” I scoff. “This vagina is closed, buddy.”

“Your vagina can’t be closed because it hasn’t provided me with a godchild yet.”

My dad gives me a weird look as he hands me Annabelle, and wanders off without saying anything.

“Anna, tell Uncle Ri-Ri that you don’t want any siblings,” I say, kissing the top of her head.

Besides a few names she doesn’t talk yet, so she mostly just stares blankly at me before turning to Rian and giggling.

“You’re conspiring together,” I say. “I don’t like it.”

“But what about when Cass and I finally have kids? Don’t you want our kids to be best friends?”

I shake my head. “No, why would I want that?”

“You’re a horrible person.”

“I know, it keeps me up at night.”

We talk and joke around for a little bit longer before we mingle with other people. I always forget how many people show up to the Savage’s parties and it always forces me to be a little more social than I like, but it’s nice, especially now that I have a baby because everybody always wants to know how she’s doing.

I try to make it through a fair share of people before finding Alex. He’s laying on the grass with Anna asleep on his chest and he smiles when he sees me come over.

“What’re you doing all alone over here, sir?”

“Admiring this fence,” He answers. “It is a nice ass fence.”

He lifts his arm and allows me to snuggle into his side. “Wow, I couldn’t tell before, but from this angle… damn. That’s probably the nicest ass fence I’ve ever seen. I approve of this.”

“I wouldn’t lie to you.”

We lie in silence for a while and soon enough the sun begins to go down. As much as we’d like to stay for the fireworks, Anna will have none of that and both of us know we need to get home before too long or she’ll be up all night.

I stand up first and gently pick Anna up and cradle her against my chest. She squirms a bit, but ultimately stays asleep as Alex stands up and we wander back over towards everybody to say goodbye.

“We’re gonna head out,” I announce. “It was really nice seeing everybody.”

“You can’t leave now!” Olivia whines as she wraps her arms defiantly around Alex’s waist. “The fireworks haven’t even started yet.”

Alex hoists her up into his arms and engulfs her in a tight hug. “We need to go home so Annabelle can go to sleep.”

“She can sleep in the house!” She pouts.

“Not tonight, Liv,” He sets her down. “Maybe next year, okay?”

“But that’s so far away.”

It’s funny to think how long a year felt to me as a kid because now they seem to be going by too fast to really catch a glimpse of what’s happening. It seems like yesterday that I found out I was pregnant and yet I’m holding my one year old in my arms.

“A year’s really not that long, Liv. I promise.”