Somewhere in Neverland

After Alex’s little nugget of truth earlier, all I could do was walk away. It’s not like I thought we’d get back together or anything, but I didn’t know it’d hurt so much to know he’d moved on without me.

“Hey sis,” Theo says, crawling into bed and lifting the covers to allow himself to snuggle into my side. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I say, not convincing anyone. I play with a frayed edge of the blanket and I know he can tell I’m upset.

He wraps his arms around my abdomen and squeezes me comfortingly. “You deserve the world, Caroline. Don’t let some stupid boy get you down.”

“Thanks, baby brother,” I snuggle deeper under the covers and let my head collide with the pillow, hoping my mind can stop wandering enough to get in a few hours of solid sleep.

It’s weird being back in Baltimore; I thought it’d be different. I thought maybe, just maybe, it’d be like I’d never left.

How foolish.

--

I must have successfully fallen asleep because Theo and I are woken abruptly by Luke flinging himself onto the bed from across the room.

“Wake up fuckers!” He yells, army crawling until he is on top of me and Theo. “We’re going exploring.”

Russell stands in the doorway, obviously a part of this whole scheme, but not wanting to actually participate in waking us up. I pat the bed and he comes over and crawls into bed, too.

“No, Russell! You’re supposed to be helping me wake them up, not joining their nap party!” He scolds, but Russell merely raises his middle finger and smiles.

“What time is it?” I ask, noting the sun still streaming through the windows.

“Four thirty,” Russell answers after glancing at his watch.

We’ve only been in Baltimore for two hours, but it feels like we’ve been here for multiple days. I’d hoped Alex and I could have at least pretended like our past didn’t still haunt us, but I think my random outburst earlier kind of put that plan to shit.

“What are the plans?” I stretch my arms above my head and let a yawn escape my lips, succumbing to my body’s exhaustion.

They both shrug their shoulders. “We just want to get out of the house for a little bit,” Luke says. “Didn’t you grow up around here anyway?”

“I grew up down the street,” It hurts to think about my old house and everything that happened there. “I can show you if you want.”

“Hell yeah!” Russell pipes up. “That sounds awesome.”

All of our heads turn to the door when we hear a knock, signaling Jack has walked in.

“Look at this cuddle fest,” He says. “I’m jealous.”

“You know you’re always welcome in my cuddle fests, Jack,” I offer.

He laughs, but shakes his head. “As tempting as that sounds, I was actually told to get your ass out of bed.”

“Who’s master plan is this?” I ask, baffled by the number of people being put up to it. “I just want to sleep!”

“Alex’s,” He answers sheepishly, a small smirk on his face.

I groan and fling the covers off my body.

“Fine, but I’m showering first,” I demand, climbing over Russell and Luke and landing roughly on the floor.

I brush past Jack and wander down the hall, finding the linen closet and grabbing a towel.

His bathroom resembles that of a girl, with multiple hair products strewn across the countertop and a hair straightener laid out. Then again, they may very well be his girlfriend’s, so I can’t judge him. I just know his track record.

When the water is steaming, I step in and let the water wash the nerves off my body. This is nothing new, being around Alex and all, but it’s a very different feeling. No longer are we allowed to be intimate, to touch and kiss each other whenever we please, we have to keep our distance and maintain a strictly platonic relationship.

I wash my hair and body quickly and turn the water off, stepping out of the shower and into the steam filled bathroom. I wrap the towel around my body and walk back down the hall to the bedroom, passing a few guys I haven’t yet been introduced to, who give me strange looks.

Meh, they’re gonna have to get used to it. I’ve walked around in less in front of my band mates.

The boys are still lying in bed when I re-enter the room.

“Either leave or you’re going to see me naked,” I announce and it doesn’t even phase them, so I dig through my bag and find an outfit before unwrapping the towel from my body shamelessly.

“Holy shit, Caroline!” Jack says, throwing his hands in front of his face. “What the fuck?”

I stand up and cock my head to the side, initially confused, but then realize I’m standing butt ass naked in front of him.

“Is this not acceptable?” I ask, placing my hands on my hips, maybe getting a sick satisfaction from his discomfort.

“Maybe not right away,” He says, turning around.

The boys merely laugh. “Better get used to it, buddy,” Russell says. “She takes her pants off any chance she gets.”

“I like being naked,” I defend, pulling on a pair of underwear and shimmying my jean shorts up my damp legs. “So suck a dick.”

“That’s the Caroline I know and love,” Jack’s laugh fills the room.

“Are you almo- Holy shit!” Alex, too, flings his hands up to cover his eyes and turns around.

Luke, Russell, and Theo are clearly getting a kick out of them learning the hard way. I merely roll my eyes and pull on a red bandeau before slipping on a superhero bro tank over top.

“I’m decent now,” I scoff and both boys turn around and lower their hands cautiously.

Alex’s face says it all right now. It’s a mix of disbelief and confusion, maybe somewhere deep down he wasn’t as put off as he showed, but I know he’s as conflicted about us being together on tour as I am.

“I was gonna ask if you were almost ready,” He says finally.

I nod before twisting my hair into a ballerina bun and place a hair tie around it, then fold a bandana and wrap it around my head, tying it in the front.

“The guys and Jess want to go do something,” Alex adds, shoving his hands in his pockets. “And since you’re as familiar with Baltimore as we are and since your band mates have never been here before, I thought you could choose what you wanted to show everyone.”

“That’s fine,” I say, applying deodorant. “I was gonna show them my old house, if you don’t mind. Then maybe we can chill out or something. I know they’re pretty tired.”

“We’re not tired, Caroline. That’d be you,” Luke interrupts. “We’re up for anything, Alex.”

Alex chuckles light heartedly and looks to me to chorale them.

“Let’s go boys.”

Simultaneously, all three jump out of bed and walk past Jack, Alex, and I on their way out to the living room.

“I’m just gonna, you know, leave,” Jack says awkwardly, backing slowly away from us and following the three others.

“Um, maybe we should just go,” I point for him to follow, but he hesitates for a moment. The butterflies are partying in my stomach again, signaling my nerves.

“Yeah,” He finally agrees and turns on his heels.

The large group is sitting around the living room, waiting for us to get ready and I realize that I’m the one holding up the group.

“Shit, sorry guys,” I drop my shoes onto the ground and shove my feet in forcefully.

We all rush out the front doors like a herd of wild animals. The Summer Set has clearly been cooped up in the house since they arrived yesterday and are in need of fresh air. Everyone piles into the 15 seater van despite our larger group and squeezes together.

It’s only a few blocks away, which makes stomaching staying at Alex’s that much harder. Of all of the houses I’ve lived in, my house in Baltimore has always held a special place in my heart. It’s always been home to me and I don’t know how I’ll react to seeing it again, especially in Alex’s company.

“Well, this is it,” I say, as Rian stops in front of a large colonial. It looks the exact same as it did the day I left seven years ago; the white siding is just as white as it was then, the blue shutters the same hue, not at all weathered or worm. “This is home, or was, rather.”

Everyone basks in the monstrosity that was my home at one point, but I can tell no one is soaking it in quite like Alex, Jack, Zack, Rian, and I. It was the setting of most of our teenage exploration in life and individuality and for that, I’ll never forget it. I never thought a house could hold so much meaning in my heart, but then again, it was my home.

“Who’s ready to leave?” I ask, turning my face away and staring at the houses across the street – my neighbor’s old houses. I wonder if the Donahue’s still live there, with their eight kids. Migle Donahue was one of my best friends when I first moved to Baltimore; she was outlandish and quirky and I loved everything about her and her odd family.

“We haven’t even gotten out,” Samson says and I can feel everyone’s eyes burning into me.

“I’m ready to go,” Alex’s voice fills the awkward silence and I can’t thank him enough. I turn and make eye contact with him and there’s a silent understanding for a moment.

Zack wraps his arm protectively around my shoulders as if he has some the same understanding and all I can do is sigh.

I missed these boys, even with the awkwardness of being around Alex – it’s just good to be back. I’ve waited seven years to be here again. I’ve counted down from an unknown number of days for this reunion. This city holds my heart and I’ve been wandering around without it for seven years, skating through day-to-day life without taking a moment to pause and appreciate anything, really.

“Let’s get plastered,” Zack says after a few minutes of silence engross the car.

“Hell yeah,” Miller says and everyone laughs.

Rian puts the key in the ignition and starts the car, pulling down the street and away from my house; much like my mom had seven years before.

--

Boxes of beer and fifths of liquor litter the countertops as we settle in for the night. It’s been a long day and it’s the last night before the tour, so we’re celebrating with alcohol to break the awkward tension that’s surrounded us all day in hopes it will disappear before we head out on the road together.

“Let’s get weird!” The drummer girl from The Summer Set cheers, hoisting a fifth stoically into the air.

The night is a drunken blur of dancing and random bouts of tears, followed closely by more shots and more dancing.

“Holy fuck, it’s the Cupid Shuffle!” I yell at some point. I’m too drunk to be able to read a standard clock but I don’t really mind.

Jack laughs and stumbles a bit. “It’s definitely not, but good try.”

“Oh,” I say, allowing my palm to meet my face in an embarrassed way.

Bam sits in the corner with the same beer he started the night off with, watching the events around him unfold. No doubt he’s judging anyone and everyone in the room right now and he probably has every right to.

“On a scale of one to drunk, how drunk would you say I am right now, Theo?” I ask, turning to face him. He’s the baby of the band, so we bought him and Otto a 12-pack of Squirt for the night, despite their apparent hatred for the beverage.

“I’m going to go with shit-faced, Caroline,” He says with a hint of humor in his voice. “How drunk am I?”

“Considering you’re drinking that shit, I’m going to go with zero. Either that or I’m going to castrate you.”

He laughs. “That’s not even on the scale.”

“Fuck!” I say, standing up and accepting defeat. I’m a shit-show drunk and I don’t know why anybody allows it to happen anymore. The boys know me well enough to know that it usually ends up in a drunken one-night stand, which, coincidentally reminds me that I’m back in Baltimore and staying in Alex’s house.

I turn my attention away from Theo and wander off, looking for more alcohol to keep me from creeping closer to my sobriety.

“Hey only-other-girl-here-tonight,” The drummer girl cheers, throwing her hands into the air and wanders my way.

“Hey girl-I-haven’t-been-introduced-to-yet!” I spit back, allowing my words to run together like hers had.

She giggles and laces her arm around my neck, pulling me close.

“You’re funny, I like you,” She says. “And I’m Jess, drummer for The Summer Set.”

She whispers it like it’s some sort of secret and I can tell she’s even more gone than I am.

“Caroline,” I reply. “Bassist for Feral Amity.”

Jess nods in an “I’m feeling it” kind of way. “So refreshing for the girl not to be the lead singer. I respect that.”

I should probably reply, but my eyes flicker to Alex, who’s standing in the corner, half-heartedly listening to John and Zack discussing something. His attention waivers for a moment and catches me watching him.

There’s no awkwardness or shame and our eyes remain on each other for quite some time.

“Why don’t you fuck him, already?” Jess giggles, dragging me over to where the group is standing.

“Boys, excuse me,” She says, placing her hand knowingly on John’s chest and eyeing him in a way to stop talking. “Caroline would like to fuck Alex.”

“False,” I announce, startled by the balls she has. “That never came out of my mouth.”

“It came out of your eyes, girl,” She says. “You were eye fucking each other.”

Zack’s eyes jerk between Alex and I and then to John, who he ushers to take Jess away from the situation.

“Maybe we should, uh, go find Rian and discuss what we were talking to Alex about,” Zack says when John doesn’t catch on. “Jess, you should join.”

He drags them both away and leaves me and Alex to ourselves.

“That girl has crazy inference skills,” I say finally. “That never came out of my mouth, Alex.”

He shakes his head and slowly raises his eyes to meet mine. God dammit, why does he have to do that shit?

“It’s okay,” He chuckles, shoving his hands into the depths of his pockets.

I don’t know what else to say. I wish this wasn’t so hard – even if we can’t have a relationship I at least want my best friend back.

The chatter of the others around us keeps us from becoming surrounded by silence as we watch each other.

“Sorry about earlier,” I break the silence first with the only thing that comes to mind. “I didn’t mean for you to have to see me like that.”

He laughs and allows a smile to form on his lips. “It’s nothing I haven’t seen before.”

My stomach waivers for a moment, but I regain my composure and nod slowly, hoping to trick him into believing I’m thinking about anything other than the fact that I would drop trough right here, right now for him.

“You look good, Caroline. The years have been good to you.”

“You don’t look too bad yourself,” I say and bite my bottom lip without meaning to.

He shakes his head again and lets it roll back.

“I’m going to make such bad decisions tonight, I can already tell,” He says and without any hesitation, crashes his lips into mine.