Somewhere in Neverland

My head is pounding from the hangover I’m undoubtedly going to have to overcome today and it doesn’t help that the blinds are parted in a way that allows the sun to stream in direct line of my face. I groan and stretch my arms out, colliding with another body.

Instinctively, my head whips over to find Alex’s sleeping form next to me.

“Fuck,” I mutter under my breath after realizing the only thing covering my naked form is a thin sheet. I lift it up slightly and am unsurprised to find Alex baring it all.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,” I panic, whipping off the covers and crawling haphazardly out of bed, scooping up the articles of clothing that were thrown so carelessly across the room last night.

What the fuck were we thinking?

“Caroline?” Alex’s sleep filled voice startles me initially and I throw my arms over my chest self-consciously.

“What?” It comes out harsher than I mean it to, so I soften my voice and try again. “What, Alex?”

“I broke up with Lisa,” He says, sitting up slowly.

My hands drop to my sides and my heart drops.

Caroline McGee: Home wrecker – that’s a new one. I’ve done a lot of things in my lifetime that I’m not proud of, but up until last night I’d never ruined a relationship.

“Alex-”

“It was bound to happen,” He explains. “Things have been going downhill for a while and I needed an excuse to end it. You being here just made me realize how much I missed you – how Lisa was a rebound I used to try and replace you, but it just didn’t work.”

I shake my head and pull my tank top on over my naked body. This wasn’t supposed to happen like this. I mean, in my head I’d hoped for us to rekindle some sort of relationship, but this seemed far too easy, and as everyone knows, nothing comes easy.

“It doesn’t make sense, Alex.”

“I know,” He answers, his eyes meeting the sheets. “But when you moved I felt like my world was falling apart – like, I didn’t know how to move on.”

I shake my head, knowing all about those feelings. The day my mom sat me and my sisters down and told us we were moving to California is one that will remain burned into my memory forever. We’d never lived in one place for longer than two years until we moved to Baltimore, and despite the idea of moving never being far from our minds, we grew to love it and accept it as home.

My sister Eliza cried that day. She was ten and didn’t remember anything before Baltimore, but my mom had become calloused to our desperate pleas and merely looked the other way. I’d never seen Eliza cry before that day and I haven’t seen her cry since. She’s easy-going, mild-tempered and rarely gets riled up enough about anything to show any sort of extreme emotion. But she did that day and I saw a different side of her. I saw a side of pure innocence and naivety and I wanted to hold her and tell her it was going to be okay, but I couldn’t.

I couldn’t be a good big sister that day because at the same time, my heart was being broken. I knew moving to California meant losing Alex, the first boy I’d ever loved, and my three best friends, Jack, Rian, and Zack. I wanted to believe that the distance in between wouldn’t hinder our friendship, but I knew deep down that 3,000 miles between teenagers seemed like billions of light years away. Unlike any other move in my life, I felt like I was leaving something bigger than myself. I’d left a legacy in Baltimore, a story of sorts that included friends, real human beings, which was something I’d never had before. Before Baltimore, no one my own age had ever noticed my disappearance. I’d be gone almost as soon as I’d come with little to no trace.

I was a nobody.

“How am I supposed to react to this, Alex?” I ask finally, pleading for any sort of understanding. I, more than anybody, want to be back with him like no time had passed between the last time we’d seen each other, but the reality of it all is that it’s been seven years. We’ve both grown up a lot in that time and who knows if we’d even still be together if I hadn’t moved? “I’m not seventeen anymore. I’m twenty-four and don’t know what the fuck I’m doing with my life.”

“That’s okay,” His voice is strong and supportive. “Who says you have to know what you want to do?”

“Society,” I answer simply.

His eyes remain locked on me and I try to fight the urge to run to him for comfort. I’m conflicted – on one hand, this is what I’d hoped for, for Alex to still want to be with me, but on the other hand, how am I supposed to feel when he informed me that he had a girlfriend and the same day fucked me? It doesn’t seem right.

“When did you break up with Lisa?” I whisper, locking my eyes onto him.

His voice doesn’t waiver or show any indication of lying. “When you were napping yesterday. The way I told you wasn’t right and I felt guilty, which then got me thinking about why I was so upset by how I’d told you. I guess I just realized that I still cared a lot about you and I was angry at myself for hurting you like that.”

He had hurt me when he decided to tell me like that. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I didn’t know how to react.

“Why is there a can of whipped cream on the night stand?” I ask, my attention wavering for a moment.

Alex smirks and points to the can. “That? That got pulled out when diabetes happened.”

“Why didn’t you give me glucose tabs or some shit like that?”

He laughs and shakes his head. “You got weird.”

Sounds like drunk Caroline. I have this reputation that everyone who knows anything about me knows; drunk Caroline likes to a) get naked, b) get weird, and c) have sex with the closest male in the vicinity. It’s one of the reasons that Otto and Theo always get turned into my designated sober bitches whose job is to look out for me and make sure I don’t end up with herpes or pregnant. It’s a rough cycle.

“Good morning, fuckers,” Jack says, welcoming himself into the room. “How was last night?”

His face says he already knows it all and I wonder whether or not everyone in the house knows. By the look on Miller’s face as he passes the door to go to the bathroom, I’m going to say that it’s a yes.

“What happened last night, Jack?” I turn to him. “How bad was it?”

Jack merely cocks his head to the side and raises his eyebrows slightly. “Um, well, you sort of wandered into the kitchen naked last night while everyone was still in there. So, there’s that. And then you know, you guys were pretty loud and shit.”

Awesome. You’ve truly outdone yourself, Caroline.

“Don’t worry, Danger. We were all pretty fucked up last night.” He winks and wraps his arm around my shoulder, ushering me out the door. “Gaskarth, wake the fuck up and get out of bed. We’ve got to leave soon according to Flyzik.”

“Fuck,” I hear him groan.

The house is a complete disaster zone and I can’t help but wonder what the next six weeks have in store for us if this happened the first night. Theo is passed out cold on the floor underneath a plastic shelving system that fell on him at some point in the night. His left hand is clutched tightly around a red solo cup and the floor around him is littered with microwave popcorn.

“Your boy over there had a rough night,” Jack says, motioning to him.

“Boozing away on squirt is a rough life,” I respond, kneeling down to shake him a bit.

He’s startled awake and his eyes fly open in a panic. When he sees it’s just me his eyes shrink back to a normal size.

“Is it time to leave?” His voice is groggy and it’s clear he didn’t sleep much last night.

I shake my head. “Not yet, but soon.”

He doesn’t move, just shakes his head to acknowledge my comment and closes his eyes once again. Poor kid, I’ll wake him up later. He’s not the one I’m worried about waking up and getting out the door.

It’s apparent that Miller is the only guy awake so far, besides Jack and Alex, and that’s only because he had to poop. When he exits the bathroom with an accomplished look on his face, he collapses onto the couch beside Ian and Roland, who are cuddled together for warmth. It’s quite the site, but it’s to be expected. Ian and Roland are best friends and that’s how Ian got his in in the band. It started off with him just goofing around with Roland’s younger brother, Russell, and then all the sudden it turned serious and the rest was history.

“Do you want coffee?” Alex asks, scratching his head as he walks past to the kitchen.

“That’d be awesome,” I answer. “Thanks.”

He nods and disappears, leaving me to the silence of the room around me. It’s hard to imagine what my life would have been like if I never left Baltimore, but it’s a thought that still hurts to fathom. If I had never left Baltimore, I wouldn’t have ever lost Alex, but would we even still be together? And if I hadn’t ever left Baltimore and lost Alex, I would have never gained the friendships and extended family I’ve built in California. I guess the phrase “When one door closes, another opens” rings true. Besides, these boys have helped me get back to Baltimore and to everything I left behind seven years ago.

After Alex hands me the cup, I sip it slowly for a few minutes before their manager Matt comes in and informs us that we need to start getting ready.

“I need to shower,” I announce, setting my cup down quietly on the table and stand up. “But I think I’m low.” I note the unsteadiness in my attempted stride and I don’t want to push it, knowing full well the ugliness a bad low can cause.

“Should you test?” Alex asks and I nod, but fall back down onto the couch. I’m dropping quickly and I can feel myself becoming less and less aware. “Are you going to?”

“I don’t know where my meter is,” I shrug my shoulders carelessly.

From down the hall I can hear the toilet flush and Ian wanders back towards the living room slowly.

“Do you know where her meter is?” Alex asks, a worried look plastered to his face.

“She has a spare in her bag,” He answers, disappearing into the bedroom to no doubtedly dig through my shit to find it. He emerges a few moments later and tosses it into my lap. “Here.”

“You do it,” I hold my finger out and he expertly slips the strip into the meter and preps the poker. The needle is getting dull and I can tell it’s time to change it because it enters my finger roughly and I wince in pain, but squeeze a small dot of blood anyways and hold it to the strip. The five seconds pass slowly before Ian holds the meter up to eye level.

“Low,” He says, standing up and returning to the room to grab a jar of glucose tabs and a can of juice, but instead of tossing them to me, he screws the lid off the bottle and empties a handful into my awaiting hands.

Alex and Jack start their morning tirades of waking everyone up while Ian tends to my low. He allots me enough time to choke down the seven chalky tabs he gave me before he flicks the tab of the juice can open and hands it to me to chug.

My diabetes is so old it can legally drink in the United States and I’ve dealt with it for so long that it’s just become second nature to adapt to the crap cakes it throws my way, but in all my 21 years with diabetes I’ve never allowed anyone to correct me or help me manage my care until Ian entered my life.

Being in a band, well, being active in general, makes diabetes management that much harder, but I still don’t like people telling me I’m doing something wrong. It’s a pride thing, really. Living with something for 21 years and having to learn to adapt to it to survive makes stomaching the idea of someone who knows nothing about your disease trying to tell you how to live with it unbearable. Yet somehow Ian has managed to find a happy medium between helping me balance life and diabetes and still realizing he doesn’t know shit compared to me and that may very well be the reason I allow him to help. Besides, Ian is the big brother I never had – the big brother I never knew I wanted or needed.

“You good?” He asks after I force down another handful of tabs.

I nod and stand up. I’m going to regret the eleven tabs later when my blood sugar skyrockets into the 300’s, but it’s a constant rollercoaster of highs and lows. There’s rarely any sort of equilibrium with my management and schedule, but diabetes is shit and I know from first-hand experience that it’s just something I have to deal with.

My shower time is cut in half this morning because of the sheer number of people demanding bathroom time and the time constraints getting on the road puts on us.

After getting dressed in a long sleeve grey Glamour Kills shirt and navy blue shorts (done in the private of an empty bedroom, because I’m learning tour etiquette) I’m forced to share a small mirror with the bassist of The Summer Set, Stephen. He’s almost as much of a diva as Alex and he frets over his bangs, straightening them twice and pushing them to side over and over again. It’s kind of cute, his frustration and all, but I realize I’m not going to be getting any real time in front of the mirror and resort to pulling a teal beanie over my hair and allow nature to take its course.

“I like your hat,” Stephen said, still flat-ironing the shit out of his bangs. “Where’d you get it?”

I try to think back that long ago, but to be quite honest, I have no idea where the hell this hat came from. I’m not sure I even bought it or that it’s actually mine.

“No clue,” I say, applying mascara randomly because Stephen still stands in front of the mirror. “But thanks!”

“Half an hour!” Matt walks through the hall and pounds on all the doors. “We need to leave in half an hour.”

After I’m as ready as I’m going to be, I begin to collect my belongings and throw them back into my duffel bag. It’s already to the point that my bag is hard to zip and I struggle with it for a few moments until the zipper gives way and finally agrees to cooperate.

“Need any help?” It’s Rian. I can tell without turning around.

I shake my head as I sling my backpack over my shoulders and pick up the bag.

“You excited for tonight?” He asks as he smiles like a giddy little girl.

“Yeah,” I answer, allowing myself to become as excited as Rian is. “I’ve been waiting for this for a while.”

“You’re gonna kick ass, Caroline,” He says, throwing his arm around my shoulder and walks me back to the living room. “And you’re going to see us perform live for the first time!”

“Uh,” That’s not actually true. There have been a few times that I was so desperate to see the boys that I attended their shows, but never had the balls to stick around and try and talk to them afterwards. “I’ve actually seen you guys a few times in San Francisco.”

He eyes me and laughs, unsure if I’m being serious or not.

“Wait, really?”

I nod slowly and bite my lip nervously. I know he’s going to inquire about my secret concert attendance, but Matt interrupts his train of thought.

“Are you all ready to go, Rian?” He’s flustered and pacing, clearly nervous about the line that still stands for the shower.

“Yeah, everything’s outside already,” He brushes him off and turns back to me.

“Are you excited about tonight?” I ask, not wanting to talk about it.

He shakes his head. “Wait, you saw us and you didn’t say anything? Why?”

I shrug and try and think of the reasoning behind my motives, but I come up empty handed. “I missed you guys, but I didn’t know if you still even thought about me after all this time.”

His face becomes solemn and he wraps his arms around me and pulls me into his chest. Rian has always very much been protective of me. When I was younger I used to hate it, but the years without his encouraging words and protective embraces made me realize how much I loved and appreciated him.

“I promise you that we never forgot,” He says and I know I’m probably going to cry. “How could we, Cara? You were synonymous with band practices and random gigs. You helped us start the band. You stood in for bass before we found Zack – hell, you weren’t a stand in. You were our original bass player. How could we forget about you?”

Because everyone forgets about me. I want to say, but I bite my tongue before the words can escape.

“I don’t know,” That’s the best I can come up with. “I was scared, I guess.”

“Don’t be scared anymore; we missed you just as much as you missed us. Senior year sucked hardcore without you and it hasn’t been the same since you left.”

Oh, senior year. It was supposed to be the year when the boys and I skated through, taking blow off classes and being the same douche-y, nerdy, obnoxious fucks we’d evolved into over the three years since All Time Low was formed. Instead, six weeks before it started, my mother informed us she had taken a position in California and I was forced to be the new girl all over again for my senior year. Lucky for me, two ballsy sixth graders walked up to me after two miserable months of loneliness and asked me to join their band. Had I not been the loneliest fucker on the planet, I probably would have told them to fuck off. But I desperately wanted friends and the thought of being in a band made me ache all over again for my best friends – for Alex – but I reluctantly agreed.

Senior year didn’t turn out to be quite what I expected. It wasn’t full of the carelessness and shenanigans I originally planned, but it ended quite extraordinarily. Sure, I was that weird new senior girl who joined a band consisting of middle school boys and sometimes passed out in class because I neglected my diabetes to stress my mother out as much as possible, but I had a pretty damn good year full of hard work, bleeding and sore fingers, and a kick ass EP that we were all proud of. There was still a void in my life, though, and as much as I tried to ignore it, I just couldn’t.

“I’ll try my very best.” I assure him and force a smile even though I don’t particularly feel like it. I just want to get on the road already and get this thing started. I’ve built it up in my head so much that it better fucking live up to my expectations.