I'm On a Trip

Chapter 27

Right so if they are going into the studio soon then that means they're leaving. That means I am on my own in a foreign country with no-where to go. I've pretty much seen most of the area in Arizona now, thanks to The Maine and This Century but now I am starting to run out of money so I think it is best if I return home. I have no go now, if there was any reason for me to stay then I would but I can't I have to move forwards with my life. Sigh.

This was a week after I had collapsed in the kitchen. I was fine and actually allowed to walk around the house for myself now but today John was out with the band. I had slept in this morning yet again, trying to avoid and push away someone who has become so close to me these past few months. Sleeping in was a good way of doing this as it meant that, John would leave me in peace without waking me up because he 'felt bad'.

I was fed up with hiding away, I felt so bad. Was I hurting the guys by not seeing them? I didn't want to hurt them but I felt it was better if I distanced myself in the long run so that it wouldn't be so hard at the end when I was forced to leave this beautiful state. My phone then buzzed on the bedside cabinet. I helplessly reached over and grasped onto it to see who is was. Joel. Well they must be with This Century today too.

Joel: "Where are you?"

I quickly replied, "Just woke up"

Joel: "Oh, are you feeling ok?"

I could lie through text couldn't I? "Yes fine"

Joel: "I can tell somethings up, I am here if you need me"

Shit. Well I can't even lie through text I am so helpless. I need to get myself together. I didn't even bother to reply, throwing my phone on my bed in anger.

I pulled myself out of bed and grabbed my jogging stuff, shoving it on my body. I then grabbed my I-pod off of the charge, deciding to leave my phone on my bed. I walked out of my room and towards the front door grabbing my trainers, swiftly putting them on my feet before walking out the front door. I glanced down at the time, as my stomach growled.

12:14

Great. Nearly lunch time and I only just got out of bed, I am a wreck. What has got into me? I walked the short distance to the park that I had jogged around the first time John took me there. That would be my warm-up.

I-pod blaring music as loudly as possible I began jogging around the track in the park. I was aiming to clear my head completely of any negative thoughts at all. Once I had been around the circumference of the park a few times I took a rest on the little hill that myself and John sat on as we deemed it our place.

Well it won't be your place anymore when you move away and leave.

That's it more negative thoughts rushed through my head so I immediately pushed myself up and began jogging once again, I would not let these thoughts bring me down. Fall Out Boy blaring through my headphones I managed to make it around the park a few more times before collapsing on our hill spot again. I was quite content watching people as they played and strolled around the park with each other.

I'll be alone all again, Sophie left me because she was fed up with me out here. My family hate me because of what I did. I don't belong anywhere, not even here. I don't deserve all the help the guys have offered me.

And again I found myself jogging around the park to rid these thoughts from my head. Sometimes my mind could be a really dark place and I hated it. I found myself sitting on the hill again completely exhausted, mentally and physically. I curled my knees up towards my chest, wrapping my arms around my knees and resting my head on them.

Sometimes I don't think I need help. Music is my everything, it can change my mood in an instant and be my therapy at the same time. I can do this on my own, I am independent enough. I pulled my headphones out of my ears and checked the time on my I-pod. Oh shit, it's 3:56, John will be home soon I had better get back.

But then a shadow crept over me, I averted my gaze upwards slightly frightened, remembering that dark alley way 2 years ago. I was completely tense until my eyes made contact with the familiar green ones I had been sharing a house with over the last couple of months.

"What are you doing out here then?" John mumbled as he sat down beside me.

"Thinking and jogging" I replied rather bluntly.

"I knew that much," he huffed seeming lightly annoyed with my bluntness. See I didn't mean to hurt him but I did, as I noticed the hint of sadness in his eyes. I am such a terrible person. Yet all I can utter is...

"Sorry," directed my gaze back at the floor.

"Something's up, this last week you've practically been avoiding me and I feel as though you can't stand being in my presence," he truthfully shared with me.

"Far from it," I whispered thinking that he didn't hear me but he sure did.

"Go on then, explain to me what you are thinking because clearly I have got the wrong end of the stick and you still owe me an explanation about last week," he beckoned.

"I just, don't want to leave and you're off to the studio in a couple of weeks, which leaves me no choice to leave. I'll probably never get to see you again and it hurts so I've distanced myself away so that it won't hurt as much in the end," I told him looking straight into those mesmerizing eyes that always manage to capture everything that I say without judging me.

He pulled me into his side, so that my head is resting on his boney shoulder. "You shouldn't think like that, you shouldn't allow yourself to think that it will make it easier either because no matter what I will miss you. We will see each other again, we will tour over in the UK soon and I will go out of my way to meet you, I promise" John replied, making my heart flutter and a fuzzy warm feeling making me a little dizzy by his words.

I have to tell him. I can't hold it anymore. I am going to explode. He is so caring. I have never had the opportunity to meet someone so caring in my life, except Sophie. He is the one. I think I've found it. After 2 years of extreme loneliness and pain I may have found a cure. He will understand. I sat there beside John in his warm embrace, grazing my fingers over my tattoo. I need to get this out in the open.

"I've got something to tell you John," I barely whispered, frightened...