I'm On a Trip

Chapter 28

He made eye contact with me, probably thinking that I'll tell him about my source of stress. As if! He'll be in for a shock then cause that's not where I am going with this.

I took a deep breathe, come on you've said something now you've got to carry on. Get on with it.

"Come on, you know you can tell me anything," John attempted to get it out of me again. He just snapped me out of my trance, now get on with it to stop yourself from looking so stupid.

I fired out another breath before I allowed my voice to be heard aloud and not just in my head, "I am going to be completely honest here, and I want you to promise me that you won't judge me or blow things out of proportion," I clarified with him.

"Of course, I wouldn't do that to you," he spoke.

"Promise?"

"I promise," he returned a small smile which gave me enough of a reason to start.

I began nervously fiddling with my hands, clicking them, "Look, I get this fuzzy feeling whenever I am around you. You make my heart swell with how much you truly care towards me. I guess this has been killing me for a couple of days now maybe even weeks, and I never really understood it until this very moment, I can't clear it out of my head, no matter what music I listen to or how much I jog. I need to tell you something important and it could go either way for me but I get a gut feeling that this is the correct time to share this with you," I replied, leaving him with a slightly confused expression on his face. He nodded regardless, "I don't want you to hate me for this..."

"I could never hate you," he immediately replied, giving me a little more confidence in what I was about to say.

"Well I…I think—I think I’m in love with you!" I blurted out embarrassingly, turning my head away to look at the scenery across the park, awaiting some kind of response. I hoped for a positive response but no response at all would be a negative response anyway.

He processed what I had just said and a few minutes later he said, "What?" louder than his previous voice.

"You heard me," I warned him, slightly irritated at his tone.

"You think?!" He raised his voice again, was he begging for me to say it again.

"I have found it," I squeaked as a tear rolled down my cheek, "I'm in love with you," I whispered.

“What do you mean? How?” John blurted out, completely confused as he roughly brushed a hand through his hair.

How was I supposed to reply to that...oh there's no need to he's talking again.

"I don't believe you, you're stressed out and in a lot of pain. You have just got confused emotions at the moment, how could anyone love me? I am no good for anyone, my last girlfriend cheated on me for a reason, I am a waste of space," John quickly spoke not looking me straight in the eye at all.

"Don't say that. I love you for you, I wouldn't wish to hurt anyone because I know what that feels like. You should know that and trust me," I retaliated.

"Oh I know what it is, you've fallen for a band member in the hopes that you can live a fairytale life, well sorry but I don't like people who use others," he got vicious.

"Excuse me. I don't think you understood what I just said. I don't want your band status, I just want you," I pleaded more tears pouring down my face, this is not how I wanted this to go.

"I like being single, I don't want to be grounded to a halt. I am too young, I don't want to settle, there's still so much I would like to do in the world." he looked straight into my eyes, "you like being free too, I can tell, you don't want me, you've got your whole life ahead of you,"

"Don't try to talk me out of this, I can't help but feel the way that I do, it's only natural," I cried.

"I want to live my life to the full and I can't do that with you," he cut through me.

"You don't understand, I won't stop you from achieving your dreams. I wouldn't dream of doing that to you, ever. You need to listen to me. Don't you ever think about where you are now and then think all the people that helped you get there in the first place? You wouldn't be there without those people, can't you see that I am only trying to support you in everything that you do. I wouldn't dream of stopping you, don't forget I am younger than you but I am being more mature in this situation than you," I replied bluntly.

"You, mature! I don't think so, you brought this up and on yourself, don't you think that's immature," he retaliated back at me.

"Please tell me you are joking," I snapped.

He didn't respond he just stared back at me looking for some sort of answer in my eyes. That's it, this is the final straw, after this I give up. I started leaning forwards, rested one of my hands on the side of his face as our lips connected sending a jolt of fire through my veins. Some of my tears fell into his hands which were on his lap, he seemed to grasp hold of them, pulling his fist together.

I still got no response. He just stared at me so I walked off. I left him sitting on the hill at the park while I wandered back home. I knew what I had to do now, I had to escape. You can't expect me to stay somewhere that I am not wanted. Once I was a fair distance away I turned around to see John watching me leave. How could he do this to me? I've lost it again. I don't know if I can go through that again.