Give Me All Your Hopeless Heart

Somehow, I managed to quickly tire of the Xbox, and I found myself just sitting and staring at the TV screen; which had down turned black because I hadn’t done anything for a good ten minutes.

My mind was on Gerard.
It was always on Gerard.

He was my best friend, of course, and, well. My everything.

I groaned, and flopped back onto the sofa, throwing an arm over my eyes -I was acting like a thirteen year old girl.

But he’d kissed me and I’m allowed to maybe freak out about that, right? Or maybe not.. Considering it’s happened a few times before.
We even kissed when we were drunk.
No biggie, but I still remembered it even if Gerard didn’t. It wasn’t really often anymore, because he’d somehow found better things to do when he was drunk, and I’d just be left feeling sorry for myself and going to bed alone.

“Gee..?” I whined, arching my back off the sofa a little and trying to see over the arm of it.
Our bus wasn’t huge, and I’d thought I’d be able to see him.
Think again, Frankie.

I huffed quietly, and pulled myself up to a standing; and hitching my jeans up again -that had somehow slipped further down my hips than I remembered them being- I padded out towards the kitchen area, and smiled when I saw Gerard.

“I’m bored.” I grin, sitting down next to him, pretty close, like the no-sense-of-personal-space little fucker I am.
“And tired -and I think I’m getting sick.”
I coughed, just to prove a point; although I only had a sore throat. But Gerard had always babied me a little when I was sick, and he got so adorable and protective of me it hurt.

And just any excuse for Gerard to be around me was an acceptable one.

I looked at him with big eyes, and blinked at him a few times.
“Come lay with me?” I asked, innocent and childlike. Somehow, I think I forgot to grow up. “Please?”

I felt a broad smile spread over my face as he agreed, and for a moment a flutter in my stomach caught my attention.
I took his hand, lacing our fingers, and pulled him back to the bunk area and into my own. Then I curled up against his side, my head on his chest and hummed contently when he wrapped his arms around me and pressed a small kiss into my hair.

‘Lemme know if I can do anything for you, Frankie.’ He murmured softly, and I quickly nodded. Although I knew I wouldn’t say or do anything to make him move out of my bunk and away from me -even for a few moments.

In times like this, I could imagine that we were together; and when I closed my eyes, aside from the horrible uncomfortable bunks, I could see us in our own bedroom, in our own apartment and pretend there was a movie playing in the background.

Maybe I need my head checked..

I let out a soft breath, and let my eyes slip shut, snaking an arm over Gerard’s hips and just keeping it curled around him as I twisted our legs together.
We’d always been close -even inseparable. And I didn’t like how he was falling away from me.
Or, maybe he wasn’t, and I was just overreacting and being a kid about things.

Some time passes, and occasionally I catch parts of verses that Gerard is singing under his breath while he’s playing with my hair. I couldn’t help my soft smile, but I kept falling in and out of consciousness; so much so that my little daydream world was starting to mix with reality and I had to stop myself from leaning up and pressing my lips to Gerard’s a few times.

That.. Would be weird.
We may cuddle and hold hands and just act like a couple -but we’re not.
And probably never will be.

That didn’t stop my thoughts from drifting to the kiss, however.
I’d always taken what I could get from Gerard, and I know that’s pathetic but -can you blame me? And so we’d made out a few times, and whatever. And we always kissed for I’m Not Okay, but that was it. And we hadn’t even played that for so long.

I thought it had stopped. That he wasn’t interested what with the lack of contact with him lately.
And, to be honest, I was scared what was going on with us.
Sure, I liked to be like this with Gerard, and I thought about us together pretty much constantly. But that kiss was different, and I felt it. It’s not just me getting my hopes up.
Right?

The last thing I remember is sighing softly, and nuzzling into the crook of Gerard’s neck more before falling asleep; then I was back into my made-up world and Gerard had taken me out to dinner, then we’d walked along the beach at night and ended up making out on the sand.
Maybe I could just sleep forever, and live in these perfect dreams.