Come Alive

The harsh banging against the front door to his apartment startled Jack out of his sleep. By the looks of the lighting outside, the sun was just barely making its way up over the horizon. Jack grumbled around his dimly lit bedroom in search of a hoodie to cover his bare torso before he stumbled over to the door to stifle the knocking.

The door has barely swung open before Alex was attacking him, kissing him, holding him. Surprised, Jack took a step back and held Alex at an arms length, raising an eyebrow at the desperate look on his face. “What?” Alex bit his bottom lip, “Can I not kiss my boyfriend?”

Jack’s stomach churned at the word. “B-boyfriend?” He stuttered. Did Alex just call Jack his boyfriend? Had that just happened? Was this real? Was he still asleep? Was Jack still dreaming?

Alex’s facial expression fell as he took in the look on Jack’s face, “Jack...Jack, do you not remember?” Jack kept his eyes planted to Alex’s slightly asymmetrical irises. Unsure of what to do Jack let out a shaky breath and hoped Alex would do something. Which he did. Alex took a step forward and kicked the still open door shut, “Jack. Your poor brain,” He reached his arms up and locked them around the back of Jack’s neck, lacing his fingers through the matted morning hair, "Your poor beautiful brain is so fucking glitchy because of me. What’s wrong with you?” Alex tugged a little to get Jack’s forehead level with his own, his breath hit Jack’s face in gentle waves, “I’m so, so sorry.”

Jack swallowed and sucked in a sharp breath, he needed to get that kicked puppy look off of Alex’s face, it was hurting him more than his memory. “Sh, Alex, I-I remember now.” His lie came easily, “I remember.” Jack pulled them both away from the door and into the living room. “So, uh, why are you here at balls a.m. anyway?” A smile played at his lips, hoping to get something out of his...his boyfriend.

Alex played with his bottom lip, watching Jack for a few seconds before plopping himself down onto the familiar sofa, “Well, to be honest, I just don’t want to be alone anymore.”

Jack sat down next to his...his boyfriend, “What do you mean? I just saw you yesterday.” Jack mentally crossed his fingers hoping that he did, in fact, see Alex yesterday. That was the thing about his condition, he could remember exactly what he’d eaten yesterday, every last detail, he could remember what color shirt Alex had been wearing the first time he’d seen him in the hospital, he could even remember the looks his doctors had on their faces the last time he’d seen them, but then huge moments were blank. Jack couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen Alex, he couldn’t remember when the last time he took a shower was, he couldn’t even remember the moment he started to fucking date the best man he’d ever met.

“No, Jack, I mean, like...” Alex tugged at his hair, “I’m just alone. All the time. By myself. And I don’t want to be anymore.”

Confused, Jack tucked his legs underneath himself and looked over at his...boyfriend. “Alex, you’re not alone. I mean, to be honest, I don’t think you could ever really even be alone. Like, c’mon, you’re Alex Gaskarth for God’s sake,” Jack laughed softly and put his hand up to Alex’s cheek, “I think you gave up being alone a long time ago.”

Alex shook his head, “No, Jack. No, that’s the fucking problem! I’m Alex Gaskarth. I’m Alex Gaskarth and I have no one else and I’m alone.”

“What?” Jack shook his head in disbelief at the honesty in Alex’s tone, “You have so many people who love and care about you and sure as hell prevent you from ever being alone.” Through the couch cushions, Jack could feel Alex’s phone vibrate from where it resided in his back pocket. Alex ignored it, so Jack continued, “What about your parents? Your mom’s been begging to see you for weeks now, are you going to tell me you still don’t have anybody?” Alex looked up from his lap to watch Jack as he spoke, “You have...” Jack thought quickly, to be honest he’d never really talked with Alex about anyone in Alex’s life but that didn’t mean there wasn’t anybody there. “Well, uh, you have your management! And you have whoever the fuck keeps trying to call you right now...”

Alex scoffed and lowered Jack’s hand from his face, “That’s the best you’ve got? My parents and my management? Wow, Jack! What a full life I lead.” His hands were still tugging at his hair as he threw his head back against the couch to look up at the cracked ceiling. A strange laugh escaped through his lips, “It’s unbelievable really, I did it. I fucking did it. I’m standing here, on top of Everest--I’m on top of the world--I’m the biggest person alive,” he let out a shaky breath, “but there isn’t anyone else up here with me. I’ve got no one to share any of this view with. I’m up here, and I’m alone. Nobody.” He allowed his eyes to trace back to Jack, a tear snaking its way down Alex’s cheek as he whispered, “I barely even have myself anymore.”

A little of what Alex was saying was starting to get through to Jack. Jack was beginning to see what Alex was talking about and he pulled the elder’s hands into his own and climbed to straddle his legs. “You have me. I may not be up on that mountain,” Jack smiled and pressed his chest closer to Alex’s, his obvious height difference kept him towering over Alex’s face, “Hell, Alex, I’m not even standing at the bottom. I haven’t even picked up my mountain-climbing gear yet!” Alex laughed, the tears in his eyes shading his smile more sad than happy. Jack continued, “But, dammit Alex, you have me. I’ll be here--I am here. I’ll scream from rooftops with you. I’ll celebrate small victories with you. I’ll look at pictures of you on top of your mountain and I’ll watch you own the world and I’ll share as much of that as I can with you. I’ll be your 'everyone else.’ You don’t have to feel lonely ever again because while we may not be on the same mountain but we sure as hell are on the same couch right now and I’m sure as hell sitting on your lap right now and I am here. I’m here, I’m with you and you are not alone.” Alex was smiling, his forehead was pressed against Jack’s and the only reason Jack could tell there was a huge smile across his boyfriend’s face was the way his eyes were scrunching up. Jack wet his lips and finished his speech, “I can’t share being Alex Gaskarth with you. You worked way too hard to be who you’ve become for me to do that. But you can’t share being Alex Gaskarth with anyone because there’s only one of you. But there’s only one Jack Barakat and he’s here to be with you.”

Neither of them said anything, they just sat like that and stared for a while.

Silence.

A breath.

“I don’t deserve to be standing up here,” Alex whispered and shook his head slightly against Jack’s, “But, God, am I happy you took that bullet for me, man.” He smiled and pressed his mouth to Jack’s, “You were quite the wakeup call.”