Any Other Heart

The worst part about Loren and Harry was that I didn’t understand any of it, which just made me dwell on it further. I thought about it while I got ready to go over to the venue, I thought about it on the ride over to the venue, and I thought about it when I was making my way through the venue, trying to find the dressing room.

It just didn’t make any sense. I mean, I knew Harry knew Loren. We all went to Hall Cross Academy together, so of course he knew of her, and she was my best mate so she was bound to be around every once in awhile when I was helping at the bakery. Then, of course, Loren knew everything I told her about Harry over the years and she was also very much aware of how head over heels I was for him. So yes, I knew Loren knew of Harry and I knew Harry knew of Loren, but even after all this time I assumed that was it.

Apparently I was wrong. Very, very wrong.

I tried to push any and all Harry and Loren related thoughts out of my mind; I figured if I didn’t think about it, I could forget it was happening. Only when I walked into the dressing room and found Harry and Loren sitting together on one of the couches did the full extent of the situation smack me right in the face.

Loren and Harry were together, and when I looked at them sitting together I could tell it was, at the very least, a bit serious.

I wanted to run out of the room screaming, but I knew I couldn’t. Loren was watching me carefully, looking like she wanted to get up and walk over to me but thank God she didn’t. I hurried to the other side of the room, where Niall and Louis were seated in chairs either getting his hair cut in Niall’s case or waiting to get it cut in Louis’s.

When she saw me in the mirror, Lou smiled. “Feeling better love?”

I forced a smile and nodded. “I’m fine. Just have to make it through the show, yeah?”

She nodded in agreement before focusing back on Niall’s bottle blonde locks. “Feel like trimming Louis’s hair for me, love? Figure he trusts you, and I know I do. We could get this done in half the time yeah?”

I wasn’t entirely sure I trusted myself to have a steady hand in my state of mind, but I forced another smile and nodded before getting to work. “Just a trim?” I muttered, running my fingers through Lou’s hair quick once he took his beanie off.

He nodded. “Sure you’re all right?” he asked me when I reached around him to grab the scissors off the counter. I just nodded, not wanting to get into it.

Lou chattered on to both boys about the show and the day off the following day while we both worked. I thought maybe I would be fine, could easily avoid Harry and Loren and any topic of conversation concerning them, until Lou brought it up.

“So, Hazza has a lass now, aye?”

I had to stop moving the scissors near Louis’s head so I didn’t cut anything I wasn’t supposed to. I swallowed the lump in my throat and watched out of the corner of my eye as Niall nodded carefully.

“For about three months now, I guess,” he said with a small shrug. “Seems nice enough. Mia, she’s one of your mates from home yeah?”

I swallowed again, concentrating hard on Louis’s head but nodded. “Erm, yeah, she is. My, uh...” I trailed off, unsure how to describe her. “We’re mates from sixth form. That’s--that’s how Haz knows her I guess.”

I could feel Louis’s eyes on me but I didn’t look up. My eyes were burning and I just wanted to finish his hair and get out of there for a few minutes to catch my breath.

“Said they met in London though,” Niall said. “Friends from home that bumped into each other and just went from there, suppose.”

I didn’t say anything. My brain was still stuck on one of your mates from home yeah? and three months and met in London. I wasn’t entirely sure what was worse: the fact that my best mate chose to hide a relationship from me for three months or that she was able to do so without me realizing.

When Lou finished Niall’s hair shortly after, he headed out to catering to grab something to eat so I passed off the scissors so she could finish off Louis’s. “I’m gonna get some air,” I told her, pressing a hand to my stomach to signify my non-existent cramps.

She gave me a sympathetic smile and nodded, urging me to go. I knew Louis was trying to catch my eye, probably wanting to make sure I was all right, but I just needed out of that room. I felt like the walls were closing in on me and I just needed a minute to catch my breath, completely alone.

I ended up outside the venue in a small area still fenced off from the public, presumably a designated smoking area by the cigarettes littering the ground. I fell against the wall and pressed my head back, looking up towards the darkening sky.

I didn’t know what was worse, in all honesty. My best mate had lied to me for three months, which felt awful enough. She was my best mate, after all; I thought we were supposed to tell each other everything. But then to top it off, she was dating the boy I was in love with, the boy she knew I was in love with. My life felt like a bloody joke, but I was the only one not laughing.

“Aye, you smoking again?”

I turned my head to the side and caught Zayn sneaking out the door with an unlit stick in his mouth and his lighter in his hand. He was smiling around the cigarette and when he tossed his lighter to me I caught it in both hands. “Light?” he asked when he was closer, leaning in until I had the flame raised and caught the end of the cigarette, it’s embers burning bright in the fading sunlight.

“You know...” I trailed off, running my finger over Zayn’s lighter. “Do you have another cigarette? I--my nerves are shot, could use something to calm me down.”

I watched as he kept his eyes on me, sucking in hard on his cig, his cheeks sinking in, before he pulled it away and blew the smoke in the air. “Smoking's bad for you, Mia. Remember?”

I didn’t think he was going to do it, but when I caught his eye he was grinning and already in the process of getting out a second stick, passing it over to me. I stuck it between my lips and lit it quickly before taking a long drag.

Too long, apparently, because then I was sputtering, the smoke spilling from my lips while my eyes watered and my throat burned. “Fuck,” I choked out, coughing once more.

Zayn chuckled. “You get used to it, although I’d feel better if you didn’t.”

I rolled my eyes and took another, smaller drag. I didn’t even cough as I released the smoke into the air. I felt myself calming down slightly, so I kept my brain focused on the cigarette in hopes the feeling wasn’t going to pass quickly.

“Quite the mental day, yeah?” Zayn said, breaking the silence.

“Did you know?” I asked after a few more minutes of quiet. I focused on the ground and the discarded cigarette butts surrounding us.

“Surprisingly, no. No one did, not even Lou and you know how they are. Hazza tells her everything. It’s a bit odd, yeah? I mean... did you know?”

I gave him an incredulous look before scoffing. “No, no I did not.”

“Right, which is odd, aye? I mean, Loren’s your mate yeah? So why didn’t you know either?”

I didn’t answer him, because I really didn’t want to get into that right then. I also didn’t have an answer. Why didn’t I know? Well, that was a good question, one I was determined to get an answer to. Eventually.

***

The show went smoothly. Loren stayed out of the dressing room, watching the boys perform from a box instead, thank God. I honestly didn’t know what I would have done if I had to be around her the whole show in the small dressing room. Harry even had the decency to ask Caroline to help him straighten out his tie or fix his blazer when the time came instead of coming to me, which I appreciated. I helped out Louis, who watched me like a hawk whenever he was around, probably making sure I wasn’t going to shatter at a moments notice, and I helped out Niall and even Zayn. Before I knew it, the show was over and we were packing up to load out.

The boys all headed back to the hotel before we did, so thankfully I didn’t have to see Loren and Harry again. I said goodnight to Lou, promising to come see her in the morning so I could see Lux, and then I headed to my room.

I was going to just crawl in bed and sleep. I wanted the entire day to be forgotten, starting with my best friend betraying me right down to the scene of her kissing Harry that had been replaying in my head all day. When I stepped foot in my room though, there was someone already occupying my bed.

Louis grinned at me. “Wondered when you’d be back.”

I sighed, dropping my arms at my sides. I was just exhausted, and suddenly I was feeling it in every part of my body. Without saying a word, I collapsed on the bed beside Lou. “What are you doing here?” I asked him after a few minutes of silence, once my brain caught up.

“I was staying with Harry,” he said simply by way of explanation.

Unfortunately, I knew exactly what he meant.

I couldn’t keep my eyes shut any longer. I sat up quickly and sighed. “I just keep seeing them, the memory of the two of them snogging running through my head every time I turn around.”

“I know, love,” he said quietly, suddenly so not Louis that it almost shocked me. “What can I do? I want to help but I just... I don’t know what to do.”

“My head is telling me it’s an awful idea, but I don’t really care. So you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to go to the mini-fridge and grab the mini bottles of liquor and down as many as I can in the next hour or so.”

Louis gave me a disapproving look, which I ignored as I got off the bed and walked over to the fridge. “Mia, are you sure that’s a good idea? You’re not exactly solving anything.”

I rolled my eyes as I pulled two bottles out and tossed one to Louis. “Joining me, Mr. Tomlinson? Or will I be getting completely pissed alone?”

He sighed and set the bottle down. “I’m not drinking with you, Mia, and I really don’t think you need to either.”

“Louis,” I snapped, whipping back around to face him with another bottle in my hand. “I can probably say that today may have been the worst day of my life. My best mate is no more and I’m in love with the boy she’s shagging. I have to spend another month or so on tour with him knowing all of this, and the next few days with the two of them. So I’m sorry if you don’t think drinking is the best plan, but I don’t really give a shit. You can either join me, or I’ll walk down to Nialler’s room because I know he’s always up for a drink or five.”

Louis fell back on the bed and sighed. “I’m not drinking with you, Mia,” he said again.

I shrugged, grabbed a few more bottles, and headed out of the room.

***

Niall was more than happy to drink with me, and before I knew it the bottles I carried to his room were empty and we were making our way through the ones in his mini fridge as well.

I think somewhere in the back of my mind I knew Louis was right. I knew drinking was going to do anything but give me a hangover and make me even more miserable than I already was. If that was even possible.

My head was clouded, my heart was heavy, and my words were slurring more and more with each drink I took, but it was okay because I was almost forgetting about Loren the slag and Harry the arse. Almost.

“She’s a slag,” I mumbled, half of my body hanging off of Niall’s mattress and an empty bottle dangling from my hand. “A complete slag.”

Niall hadn’t been drinking nearly as much as I had, which had worried me at first but eventually after a few more pulls from the bottles, I didn’t care.

“Think you’ve had enough love,” he said finally, pulling the bottle out of my fist the was slowly unclenching.

“I hate them both,” I mumbled, but didn’t elaborate further.

“I know. Let’s get you back to your room, yeah?”

I let Niall help me up as we stumbled less than gracefully down the hallway back towards my door. Before I knew it, Niall was guiding me towards my bed. I thought I heard Louis, but I couldn’t focus. There were two pairs of hands on me, helping me onto the bed, and then a low murmur of voices. I focused on the warm duvet my cheek was pressed against and closed my eyes tightly so I didn’t have to see the room spinning around me.

I heard the door close and then felt the mattress sink in further before I felt a hand caressing my hair that was stuck to my face. “You drank too much,” Louis said quietly.

I opened my eyes then to look at him. All three of him. I closed my eyes again and curled my body in on itself. “I hate her,” I said. My eyes burned with tears, which was exactly what I wanted to avoid. I closed them tighter to try and stop it.

“My best mate’s shagging Harry fucking Styles,” I said finally, stumbling over my words as my voice broke. “I am in love with the boy my best mate is shagging.”

When Louis didn’t say anything in response, I sat up entirely too quickly. My head spun, but I was fine. Fine, fine, fine. “She knew, too! Did you know that Tommo? She knew!”

He didn’t speak, just continued to watch me, as if I was a wild animal who may lash out at any moment. Maybe I was. Or maybe I was just drunk and hurt. So, so very hurt.

I released a bitter laugh at the realization of my sad, pathetic life, and fell back against the mattress. “I hate her,” I said quietly, my eyes closed to try and steady the world around me. “I hate her so much.”

“No you don’t,” Louis said finally. “She’s still your best mate, Mia. You don’t hate her.”

I sat up again, propping myself up on my elbows. “That’s where you’re wrong, Louis! I do hate her. I hate her for lying to me, I hate her for being such a slag, and I hate her for being better than me. I hate her.”

I thought I heard Louis sigh, but he didn’t protest any further, so I fell back once again. “My life’s a bloody mess, Louis,” I said quietly as I stared up at the ceiling. “It’s a mess and I don’t know how to fix it.”

His hand patted my own then and I closed my eyes at his touch. “You’ll be all right, love. It’s just a minor setback, yeah? Things happen, but you’ll be all right. At least you aren’t alone, right?”

I turned my head away from him, my cheek rubbing against the soft duvet. “No more best mate, no more Harry. My mum’s still not happy with me and I haven’t spoken to my brother lately. Even you’re upset with me,” I slurred. “You’re upset and I don’t know why but you’re mad at me, so you’ll probably leave too. Everyone’s leaving. I’m all alone.” My voice was quiet so I’m not even sure Louis heard me, but I didn’t wait for him to say anything else before I felt myself getting pulled into a deep, drunken sleep.