Any Other Heart

I'm not entirely sure what shocked me more when I woke up that morning: the fact that my head wasn't absolutely pounding and I didn't have my cheek plastered to the toilet bowl, or the presence of Louis's arm wrapped dutifully around my shoulder.

When I opened my eyes, I was met with the sight of Lou's black t-shirt clad chest because I was pressed tightly against his side. I was in a fetal position of sorts and my body was cramped, but I was pulled against Louis and it felt okay.

For about two seconds, and then my brain started working.

Loren. Harry. Drunk. Niall. Slurred words. Louis.

Before I knew it, I was tumbling out of the bed and falling face first onto the plush hotel carpet.

"Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ," I whispered to myself over and over until I was in the bathroom. I locked the door just to be safe and then I fell back against it and breathed.

I thought I heard Louis's muffled voice through the hardwood, so I closed my eyes and willed him away. They started to burn and my throat was tight. Louis was in my room for one reason.

Harry and Loren.

I felt the tears coming before I could stop them. My forehead fell against the door and I closed my eyes as tight as I could manage before I breathed, in through my nose and out through my mouth.

"Mia, you all right?" I heard him say, his voice much clearer now. I could almost picture his bed head as he leaned against the door, probably to make sure I wasn't violently ill or something.

"Fine," I mumbled. If I spoke any louder, my voice would break and then the door would get knocked down. That much I was absolutely sure of.

I heard Louis sigh. "Check out's in an hour, love. Want me to--"

"I'll meet you in the lobby. Just gonna shower," I spoke quickly and quietly.

I knew Louis was my best mate. I knew he probably wanted to stick around to make sure I was all right, but I didn't want that. I just wanted to sleep forever, or maybe even go home. I was just... Done, with everything. Done with the lying and the betrayal and the love no one deserved. Done with it all, completely.

The sobs wracked through my body before I could stop them. My entire being shook as I grabbed the nearest towel and shoved my face into it. Then I really let loose.

I sobbed, harder than I ever had. Harder than when my gran died when I was ten, harder than when my best feline friend Tigger tried racing a car (and lost) when I was the tender age of 7. I cried for Loren and everything she'd done, I cried for the fact that I was still completely in love with Harry despite Loren. I cried because I was that girl now, and I cried because the lingering feeling of defeat and I'm not good enough was still so fresh in my mind that I could almost taste it.

I tried to be quiet, silencing my sobbing with the towel, but lord knows if it did any good. By the time I was finished, my eyes were bright red and bloodshot, my face was streaked with--disgustingly--tears and snot, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I was on the floor, leaning against the door still with the towel pressed near my face while I gasped for breaths.

And then it was over, and I was exhausted. I felt sufficiently like I'd been hit by a semi and I just wanted to sleep forever.

Eventually, I had enough strength to get off the ground and wash up and gather my things. We had to drive to Manchester and then the lads had a day off, which I was going to take full advantage of. Once I had my things together, I made my way down to the lobby, where Paul was the only one left while he checked everyone out.

If my head hadn’t been so fuzzy, I wouldn’t have gotten on the bus. If my blood hadn’t been possibly still half-full of alcohol from last night, I wouldn’t have gotten on the same bus as Loren so I could spend five plus hours with her. But there I was, climbing onto the bus only to be confronted with Loren, Harry, and the whole bloody gang.

It wasn’t fair. This was my bus, not Loren’s. She was slipping into all the parts of my life she didn’t deserve any part of, and it made me sick. Louis wouldn’t look up from his phone while he sat at the make-shift kitchen table and Niall was seated across from him but his body was turned towards Harry and Loren. They were seated on the couch looking unbelievably fucking cozy. Zayn and Liam were as well, but Zayn was on his phone, probably talking to his girlfriend, and Liam was focused on the conversation happening between his band mates.

Louis wouldn’t look at me, Nialler gave me a cheeky, knowing look, and Loren and Harry were too fucking wrapped up in one another to notice there was a world happening around them, one that did not involve the two of them.

I didn’t say a word as I made my way down the aisle, headed for my bunk. I just wanted to take a nap in all honesty, because at least a nap didn’t involve Loren or Harry or anyone else.

***

When I woke up, the bus was almost completely silent. I crawled out of my bunk and didn’t see any of the boys playing a game of Fifa, or Niall downing a bowl of cereal like his job depended on it, or Zayn trying to get cell reception to talk to his girlfriend.

Most importantly, there was no Loren hanging onto Harry as if he was her life jacket.

I grabbed a water bottle out of the fridge in the front of the bus and then walked towards the back. I closed the door and then took a seat on the couch. While I sipped my water, I pulled my mobile out and scrolled through it. There was a missed call from my brother, probably from when I was sleeping, so I decided to try and call him back.

It rang twice before he picked up. “Thought we’d never catch each other,” he said by way of greeting.

I laughed. “I know, I know, I’m sorry. It’s just been...” My mind briefly ran through the past 48 hours and my stomach clenched. I sighed. “It’s been a bit mental.”

“I know. I’m sorry ‘bout mum, Mia. I just... I thought I’d be helping if she knew you were all right, but then that backfired.”

I sighed again. “It’s fine, Matt. We... I think things are okay? I mean, they aren’t perfect, but...” I trailed off, shrugging my shoulders. “I don’t know.”

“Well I’m sorry regardless. Shouldn’t have tried to meddle, obviously. Note to self for next time, yeah?”

I chuckled. It didn’t matter how many times Matt told me he would stay out of my life; he was still my big brother, and he would act accordingly, that much I was sure of. “How’s the bakery going then? Mum still acting like a complete nutter?”

Matt barked out a laugh, which made me smile. “She’s... all right, actually. She keeps asking me when you’re going to be home, though.”

My throat tightened. Mum may not be talking to me much, but it was still nice to hear she wanted me to come home. “Ten more days and I’ll be home for a week, actually.” I couldn’t believe I only had ten more days on the tour before there was a break. I couldn’t wait, especially with the recent Loren drama.

“I’ll be sure to tell her that. Maybe give her a call though, yeah? She misses you, Mia.”

I smiled and started to nod my head, prepared to give my brother a reassuring answer when the door to the back lounge creeped open and Loren’s head popped inside. “I uh... yeah, I will. I have to go Matt. I’ll talk to you later.”

I thought I heard Matt asking me if I was okay and why I had to leave, but I hung up before I could answer. I dropped my hand down to my lap and stared at Loren, unsure as to what she wanted or what I was supposed to say.

“Can I come in?” she asked, as if the back lounge was my room. I thought it was nice that she at least had the decency to look embarrassed. Or maybe that was just me, wishing she looked that way. I wasn’t sure Loren had ever so much as experienced a blush on her cheeks or heat on her ears.

“Mia?” she said, pulling me from my thoughts. My eyes snapped up to hers.

I nodded because I wasn’t entirely sure what else to do.

She stepped inside but didn’t move much further from the doorway. She had a smile on her face as she nodded at the mobile still in my hand. “Was that your brother?”

I nodded.

“How’s he? Haven’t seen Matt in what feels like ages. Is he still in uni, or helping at--”

“Why are you here, Loren?” I asked, cutting off her friendly small talk. We were not friends. She wasn’t allowed that luxury. If it made things awkward, well, that was her own damn fault. “Why are you here?” I repeated, finally looking at her straight in the eyes.

She sighed and took a step forward. “I want to tell you everything, Mia, I really do. All of it, every detail, but--”

“Because you think I want to know how you fell into bed with Harry?” I asked, my voice low as I looked down at the floor.

Loren sighed again. “I just want to explain myself, Mia. I think you deserve that much.”

I wanted to scream at her. I wanted to tell her what I deserved was a best mate who wouldn’t betray me and lie to me like she had. I wanted to tell her I deserved someone who wouldn’t go behind my back just so she could shag the lad I was in love with. I wanted to tell her a whole bloody lot, none of it nice, but I couldn’t. It was like the words were stuck in the back of my throat and they wouldn’t come out.

“It wasn’t supposed to happen like this, Mia,” she started, obviously taking my silence as the cue for her to continue her sob story, which it bloody wasn't.

I scoffed and stood up. “Yeah, well, it did Loren. How could you?”

She opened her mouth to say something, but then we heard a noise that sounded like the lads piling back on the bus. Then, “Lo? Where are you?”

I scoffed again and shook my head, closing my eyes in disbelief. “Lo? Good to know you’re in the nickname phase of your relationship.”

Her eyes darted from me to the door behind her and she wrung her hands harder, turning them red. “Can we--can we not do this right now? I want to tell you everything, but, just--not now?”

I scoffed and brushed by her. “Piss off, Loren. I don't want to hear it anyways,” I muttered.

When I stepped through the door, five pairs of eyes were on me and Loren, but I ignored them and headed to my bunk. I thought I heard someone saying my name, so I just shut the curtain and turned towards the wall before I put my headphones in and turned my music up, drowning out the rest of the world.