Any Other Heart

a hard day's night

My brother left Monday morning after waking up early to help open at the bakery. “I’ll see you Friday, kid,” he said to me when I met him in our kitchen before he headed out and before I went down to the bakery. He had to head back to London for classes, but he’d be back Friday, just like he said. Sometimes I felt bad because he had to stay so close to Holmes Chapel every weekend, but he claimed he only did it to help out, that it wasn’t necessary. I think we both knew that wasn’t true, but it was nice he didn’t resent me.

Monday night was the first night I felt really alone, which was ridiculous really because I’d been alone plenty in the past few days. But for some reason the house was quieter and mum was asleep and I just felt alone.

The only friends I had were the lads. I didn’t have a lot of friends in sixth form, save for Loren and Harry, and now I didn’t even have them. Loren was the only girlfriend I had and without her... I shouldn’t have felt bad but I did. I felt awful. I missed her a terrible amount, which just made me feel worse because I didn’t want to miss her. She was a terrible mate, so I should have been better off without her and I suppose in theory I was, but it still hurt.

I think that was the worst part about the entire situation. Loren was happy with Harry, Harry was happy with Loren, and I was alone. I was the one who got betrayed, I was the one who lost out, and I was the one stuck feeling sorry for myself.

I hated it, but I also couldn’t shake it for the life of me.

So I went to work. I helped out at the bakery, and when mum sent me home early because she wanted me to “rest” before I left for tour again, I went home and cleaned the house, getting into all of the places she hadn’t gotten to in months, maybe even years if I was being completely honest. I made dinner that I knew wouldn’t get eaten by her until late when she finally came home, and when I’d finally exhausted all of my options, I retired to my bedroom and pulled out my phone.

I called Louis, because apparently I couldn’t just be alone doing nothing, and he answered before the first ring stopped.

“Jesus fucking Christ,” he practically growled into the phone by way of greeting.

I chuckled and fell back on my mattress. “Well, hello to you too.”

“It’s just--” he started, but his words stopped and he made frustrated noises and wasn’t speaking coherently.

I couldn’t help but laugh again. Louis didn’t really get frustrated, always knew what he wanted and how to get it and what words to say, so I didn’t understand what had his knickers in a bunch. “What’s wrong? Take it lunch didn’t go so well?”

He groaned. “It went fine!” I could practically see the irritation written all over his face.

“All right, I’m missing the--”

He started to say something, cutting me off, but then took a deep breath and sighed. “Lunch was fine. That’s not it, but I’ll get to that. It’s just--” he sighed again and I could almost see him rubbing his face in frustration, trying to calm down. “Nevermind. Today was fine, what about yours?”

I hardly bought that answer, but I knew Stubborn Louis was in effect and I wouldn’t get an answer out of him unless her really wanted to tell me. I shrugged. “Fine. Matt went back to London today so there’s more work at the bakery, but it’s fine. Mum’s fine, I’m fine, everyone’s fine.”

Louis chuckled. “Fine, yeah?”

I could hear the smirk in his voice and I rolled my eyes. “Don’t be a twat. Tell me how lunch went. How’s Kristen?”

“She’s... all right. Asked about you, asked how tour was going. Conveniently forgot to mention my best mate had her heart broken, although she did know about Harry and Loren.”

I bristled at the mention of their names. “Doesn’t everyone?” I muttered.

“You haven’t slapped anyone today, have you?”

I smirked. “No, no more slaps, although if you were here I’d probably punch you on the shoulder for being a twat.”

He laughed. We talked more about his lunch with Kristen, which had apparently gone well and I was happy for him. The idea that Kristen was back in Louis’s life for whatever reason made my skin crawl a little. I liked Kristen enough when she was around, and she and Louis had been happy together, but I hated thinking about those few weeks when she had broken up with Louis. He hadn’t been a mess, but he certainly wasn’t the Louis we all knew and loved, and that hurt. I hated to think that may happen again, but I figured he knew what he was doing so I didn’t push it.

We didn’t talk about Harry and we didn’t talk about Loren and it was just nice. When we hung up, Louis told me to call if I needed anything, but I didn’t think I would. I was determined to spend the rest of the week at home happy with no more moping about.

That lasted for all of one day.

I spent all of Tuesday at the bakery helping out and even sent my mum home early so I could close for her. When I got home we had dinner and then I showered before passing out in my bed. Spending the day busy as hell meant I didn’t have time to get sad or mope around, which was perfect.

Wednesday things fell apart.

It was pissing down rain from the moment I woke up, so there was hardly anyone out in town, which meant fewer customers than normal. The break would have been welcomed any other day--I could have helped Papa make new cupcake flavors or taste the new breads he tried out--but Papa was home sick, Gran was taking care of him, and once I sent mum home because there were hardly any customers, I was completely alone.

It was fine at first. I didn’t think too much and just focused on the few meaningless tasks I could find. But then Loren’s mum walked into the bakery with a wide smile and welcoming arms and I honestly thought I was going to lose it.

“Mia, darling! How have you been? I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages!” she exclaimed, pulling me in for a hug when I walked out from behind the counter. I had no choice but to reciprocate, even if that was the last thing I wanted to do.

“I’m... all right. How are you, Mrs. Brooks?”

“Fine, fine. The house is lonely without Loren and you around every day after school though,” she said with a wistful grin, as if we were taking a walk down memory lane.

Absolutely not.

“How are you though, love? Out and about with a famous boy band, just the little Mia from Holmes Chapel!” she said with a grin. It was supposed to be a compliment I’m sure, but I hated her tone.

I smiled, but it was tight and forced. “It’s good, I’m heading back out Friday I think.”

“Yes, Loren said you’d be out again, she hoped it was when she was visiting! Can you believe it? You’re on tour and she’s dating one of the lads you’re on tour with! Couldn’t be more brilliant, could it?”

I forced a smile, even though I thought I was going to be sick.

She talked for awhile longer, about Loren and Harry and what Loren was up to, as if I cared, and then ordered some muffins and bread and various other things. I packed her up, she paid, and with one more quick hug with a hope to see me soon, she headed out.

I tried not to let it get to me for the rest of the day. I finished at the bakery, closed up, and I headed home. Mum was asleep on the couch when I got there, but there was dinner waiting for me on the counter. I ate, cleaned up, and then headed upstairs to shower.

It wasn’t until I was alone in the shower when I just kind of... fell apart.

I was just so tired. Loren was blissfully happy with Harry, and I was still in love with Harry, and nothing was going like it should have been. So I cried for myself and I cried because everything was a mess. I cried because I was hurt, I cried because I didn’t understand how my best mate could hurt me like she did with seemingly no repercussions, and I cried because I was sad, even more sad than I’d realized.

I ended up sitting on the floor of the bathtub with the water running over me while I cried into the small washcloth so I wouldn’t wake my mum. I cried until the water felt cold and the tips of my fingers were winkled. When I felt like I could breathe again, I got out and wrapped a towel around myself before walking down the hall to my bedroom.

After I clicked the door shut and changed into something to sleep in, I crawled into bed, pulling my blankets up to my chin and curling into fetal position.

I hurt all over. It wasn’t a physical pain, but I wished it would have been because then I might have been able to rid myself of it. I just hurt, and I couldn’t even pinpoint exactly how I was feeling because there was so much swirling around in my head. I wanted to cry more, but I was pretty positive I’d cried myself out in the shower.

I slipped my earphones into my ears and turned my music on, trying to find something to comfort myself so I could sleep.

I never want to see you unhappy. I thought you’d want the same for me. Goodbye, my almost lover. Goodbye, my hopeless dream. I’m trying not to think about you, can’t you just let me be?

I got halfway through the chorus of Almost Lover before I shut the music off and started to cry again.

It was a terrible feeling, unrequited love. I was in love with a boy who didn’t feel the same, but better yet? He was falling for my best mate. He was happy, which was what I wanted. Would I have liked it to be with me? Of course. Would I have liked to see it with anyone but Loren? Absolutely. Was he happy? Yes, and I would have to deal with it.

That’s what hurt. I had to let it go. I got stabbed in the back, but I had to let it go.

When I stopped crying for the second time, I picked up my phone and mindlessly dialed Louis’s number. When he answered, I sniffled, like a child. “You said to call if I needed anything,” I said quietly, my voice cracking from crying so much.

“Mia? What’s wrong? Are you all right? What happened?”

“I just--” I coughed, trying to regain my speech again. “Will you talk to me? Tell me what you did today, anything, literally anything, because I’ve been crying since I got in the shower and I wanted to go to sleep so I put on some music and it just hurts and I hate this so much, Louis. I feel weak and pathetic and awful, and I hate that. I want to be okay again, but I’m stuck in my head and--” I choked out another sob before I slapped my hand over my mouth to quiet myself.

“Shh,” Louis said, trying his best to comfort me through the phone. “Calm down, love. It’s okay. You’re okay. Stop crying, yeah?” He kept repeating the words in a soothing tone until finally, I stopped. Then it was just us breathing.

I closed my eyes tight. “Talk to me, Lou. ‘bout anything, honestly, just...” I sighed. “Will you talk to me until I fall asleep? I know that’s a lot, but when I’m alone I’m stuck in my head and I’m just so tired, and--”

“Love, stop talking,” he said, his voice soft and soothing still. “I’ll be here until you’re asleep, yeah?”

I burrowed my head further into my pillow, curled into my body more, and held the phone close. “Thank you,” I said quietly, and then listened as Louis tried to lull me to sleep.
♠ ♠ ♠
Sorry for the delay! I wanted to post this the other day, but I had a lot of trouble writing this chapter.
If you've never listened to Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy, you need to. ASAP.
We're in the homestretch! I don't know how many chapters are left because I sort of steered away from my original outline, but that was like 27 chapters so around that I guess.
Comments would be lovely!
xoxox