Any Other Heart

When I woke up with a headache on Thursday and red-rimmed eyes, I thought about calling Louis to apologize for my breakdown but I was too embarrassed, to be honest. I couldn’t believe I’d fallen apart like that so easily while he sat on the other end of the phone and listened.

I caught sight of my tattoo Thursday morning when I was getting into the shower and it reminded me I needed to, quite simply, get my shit together. This too shall pass. The night before I’d hit my lowest, so I could only go up from there. I hoped.

I was late waking up and my mum was already gone, so I took my time getting ready. I was stuck in my head, going over my plans for the next few days. Matt would be home Friday afternoon for the weekend. I was supposed to be meeting the lads in Liverpool on Saturday, but the thought alone made my stomach twist. I wasn’t ready to leave home yet. I wasn’t ready to see Harry again, or even Louis. I just wanted to stay away for a few extra days.

I knew it didn’t make sense for me to meet the boys in London, where they would be for almost a week after the Liverpool show, because London was about 3 hours away compared to Liverpool’s one hour. But I wouldn’t have to go to London until Monday morning and that would be when Matt would be heading back. I convinced myself it made more sense for me to just ride back with Matt, as opposed to taking a train to Liverpool, which would add several hours anyways.

I kept repeating this to myself as I picked up my mobile and phoned Lou.

“Hi love! How’s home?”

I smiled. Just hearing her voice was nice. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed her. “It’s great. Fixed things with my mum actually, so it’s great.” I left out my run-in with Loren. I didn’t think she really needed to hear about that.

“Oh Mia, that’s great! So happy for you.”

I asked her how Lux and Tom were and what she was doing, and once we were all caught up I dove right in. “I hate to ask this, but I was wondering if it would be all right for me to just meet you all in London? I could catch a ride back with Matt and it’d just make more sense.” I left out that I needed the few extra days to catch my breath and get back on my feet enough to be able to face my demons, so to speak, but I hoped that if I were to tell Lou this she would understand.

“Not a problem love! Might be easier for you to get to London Sunday night though? I’ll text you the details for the hotel and have Paul call ahead so you can check in, if you want.”

“That’d be great actually.”

She promised to send me the details later and to let Paul know what was going on, and then with a quick goodbye and a promise to see me when they got to London, we hung up.

***

The next two days consisted of just going through the motions. I went to the bakery, I helped out with everything I could, and then I would go home at night and try to go to sleep as soon as possible. Sleep meant avoiding my thoughts, which was all I wanted.

When Matt got home Friday night, I asked him if he could take me to London on Sunday.

“Why Sunday?”

I just shrugged. “Need a few extra days at home. I figured it’d be easier to just ride with you, if that’s all right.”

“Don’t see why not. Is everything all right?”

I just shrugged again. I didn’t have an answer to that.

So when Sunday rolled around, after Matt and I spent the day at the bakery and we had a big dinner at home with Mum, Papa, and Gran, we headed out. “Phone more,” Mum demanded, and I promised her I would.

It was late by the time Matt was pulling out of Holmes Chapel, but I didn’t really care either way. Lou had texted me shortly before we left giving me the info about the hotel and telling me they were leaving Liverpool so she would see me there. I was hoping Matt and I would get to London before the lads so I could get to the hotel and check in with no problems.

More importantly, without having to see Harry.

Matt and I were quiet at first, just enjoying the drive and hoping, I’m sure, that the next three hours went by quickly.

I fiddled with the radio while we drove, wanting something to listen to to ease my nerves. I don’t know why, but I was nervous with the thought of seeing the lads again. When I finally found a station, the lyrics that were practically engrained into my brain played through the speakers.

”I know you’ve never loved the sound of your voice on tape, you never want to know how much you weigh. You still have to squeeze into your jeans, but you’re perfect to me.”

My skin crawled hearing his deep voice serenade me. “Bullshit,” I muttered, turning the radio off so the silence filled the car.

Matt chuckled, so I glared at him. “What?”

He shrugged. “Not so fond of the lads anymore, aye?”

I rolled my eyes. “Just tired of hearing that bloody song is all.”

“Sure you want to go back on tour?” When I turned to look at him, he was smirking. “I mean, can you handle it?”

“Don’t be a twat.”

He chuckled. “I’m not, Mia. I’m serious. You don’t seem too keen on returning to tour, and I just wanted to make sure you were all right.”

I sighed. “I’m fine. Or will be, I don’t know Matt. I’m trying, yeah? This isn’t exactly fun.”

“What are you going to do about the states?”

Once again, I hadn’t thought about that. I knew I needed to talk to Lou, because there was no way I could do that tour too, but I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. I didn’t want to go to school, not yet anyways; I did love what I was doing, just not who I had to be around. Maybe that was ridiculous, but I couldn’t help how I felt. “Maybe I can see if Lou knows of anyone who needs an assistant or something, yeah?”

Matt shrugged. “Maybe. You love what you’re doing, aye?”

I nodded, a smile on my face. “I really do.”

“So keep doing it. Don’t let it slip away, kid, or you’ll be at the bakery for the rest of your life, yeah?”

He was right, and I knew that, so I made a mental note to talk to Lou when I saw her next.

When we finally got to London and navigated through the traffic, Matt dropped me off at the hotel. “I’ll see you, kid. Maybe I’ll come to one of the London shows this week.”

I smiled. “That’d be great. You can protect me from Loren, yeah?”

He just laughed. We hugged and he kissed my forehead and then once I grabbed my things and was out on the sidewalk, he drove off, waving through the window as he went.

Check in was actually painless, surprisingly. Paul had called ahead of time and told the hotel I would be checking in a day before them, so I didn’t have to do anything except prove I was who I said I was.

I took the lift up to our floor and found my room. When I stepped inside, I paused, leaning against the door, and finally took a deep breath. I was back. I was in one piece. I would be okay.

After I got settled and changed into a pair of sweats and a tee, I curled up in bed and tried to fall asleep. I tossed and turned, trying to get comfortable and trying to shut my brain off, but my body was having none of it.

When I finally found a comfortable position, I closed my eyes and willed myself to sleep.

Just as I felt myself drifting off, my eyes were flying open due to my door opening. “What the fuck?” I yelled when the door banged open.

I was met with Louis’s surprised and confused stare. “Mia? What are you doing in my room?”

I fell back against the bed and groaned before I grabbed the pillow and shoved it over my face. I released a quick scream, loud enough that I felt better but not loud enough to do any damage, and then slid the pillow off my face. “This is my room, Lou.” I wanted to tell him he’d just come into the wrong room, but that was impossible. The keys only worked for the room they were assigned, so clearly we’d just gotten mixed up.

I sat up in bed and turned the bedside lamp on, squinting against the harsh light. I took in Louis’s disheveled state and realized I couldn’t very well throw him out. He had bags under his eyes and he was already in his pajama pants and a tee-shirt, ready to sleep as much as I was I assumed. He looked... tired, worn to the bone, and I realized I wouldn’t have thrown him out in a million years.

I gestured to the bed I was laying in, the king sized bed, the only bed, and said, “Stay here. We’ll figure it out in the morning or something, yeah?”

He agreed, dropping his bag at the foot of the bed and then after getting his things situated, he climbed in under the covers. I moved my body so I wasn’t in the middle of the bed and we had our own sides.

Once we were both comfortable, I turned the light off and laid down. Then, it was silent.

Only for a few minutes though before I was sighing and turning onto my side to face Louis. “How was the week off?” I asked, my voice just barely above a whisper.

He turned so he was facing me as well and shrugged. “It was nice to see my mum and the girls. Nice to be home, even if it was only for a few days.”

I noticed he didn’t ask me how my stay at home went because he knew it was, in a word, terrible. I sighed. “I’m all right, Louis.”

“We both know that’s not true, Mia.”

I sighed and fell onto my back. I stared up at the ceiling. “What do you want me to say, Lou? I’m embarrassed I called you like I did, but that was my lowest. I can’t get any worse than that, and I’m determined not to.”

“So just like that you’re going to be okay again?” He scoffed. “I find that hard to believe, love. It’s not just--you don’t snap your fingers and suddenly everything’s fine, yeah?”

“No, but you don’t have an emotional breakdown on the phone with your best mate either,” I muttered.

“Better than the alternative, I assume.”

I didn’t answer that.

He sighed. “What are you going to do, Mia? Honestly. Tour’s almost over. What are you going to do after that?”

“I talked to Matt about that earlier. I’m going to talk to Lou. I don’t--I can’t go to the states if it means Loren will be tagging along as well. I just--I can’t do that, Lou.”

“So, what? This will just be it then?”

I didn’t answer, because I didn’t know.

Louis sighed. “Let’s get some sleep. Big week yeah?” I agreed. “You going to be all right?” he asked me, concern laced in his words.

I turned to look at him and gave him a weak smile. “I’ll be all right. Night Lou.”

He sighed once more and then smiled. “Night love.”