Any Other Heart

I was wide awake after the show, laying in bed and staring at the ceiling. Louis was beside me, sound asleep I assumed. I wanted to sleep, but it was like my eyes wouldn’t physically close.

“Louis?” I asked, my voice low. “Are you sleeping?” I turned over so I was facing him while he did the same. It was dark, but I could just barely make out the outlines of his face.

“Can’t. Still buzzing from the show.”

I nodded. That wasn’t my reasoning, I didn’t think anyways, but it was as safe as any.

“What’s on your mind, Momma Mia?” he asked. His hand reached out and he brushed his thumb over my palm, and I thought it was odd that he was calling me a nickname he’d never uttered before, but I didn’t question it.

“I talked to Lou, about not doing the rest of tour.”

I could just barely make out the way Louis’s lips turned down. “So that’s it then? We just--we won’t see you again once this leg of the tour’s over?”

I sighed and fell onto my back. “I’m not just going to disappear forever, yeah? Besides, I’ll finish out the European tour. Loren won’t be on that, unless she visits for a day. I’ll finish that, but I just can’t do the rest of it, Lou. I thought I could, but--Harry tried to talk to me today, and I think that was the final straw, you know?”

“How so?”

I shrugged. “He was trying to tell me not to take it out on Loren, and--”

“That’s bullocks if you ask me,” Louis said, cutting me off. “She’s a shit friend, of course you’re going to take it out on her. Who else is there?”

I laughed, but didn’t disagree. I turned onto my side again so I was facing Louis, and this time we were closer. He reached his arm out again, brushing his fingers against my face in an attempt to brush my hair out of the way.

“Don’t know what I’ll do without you. That’ll be...” he trailed off, deep in thought, before coming back. “That’ll be, like, three or four months without my best mate. Not quite sure I like that.”

I frowned. I hadn’t realized it would be that long. To go from being around the lads constantly to never seeing them? Well, I wasn’t quite sure I liked that either.

“Gonna miss you, yeah?” he said, and suddenly he was closer, much closer than before. His breath was tickling my skin, hot and familiar in a way it shouldn’t have been, but was.

I nodded, but my eyes were focused on his lips. “Gonna miss you too, Lou.”

And then before I even knew what was happening, his lips were on mine, his hands pressed tight to the small of my back. He was soft and warm and Louis, my Louis, and the last thing I remember thinking was that we fit together perfectly.

But then it was over, and Louis was pulling away and pressing his forehead to mine, and we were both smiling. “Love you, Mia,” he said, pressing his lips to my forehead, the words getting lost against my skin.

"Love you too, Louis. Love you too."

***

I practically fell off the bed when I woke up. My heart was slamming against my chest and I thought I was going to go into cardiac arrest. Was that possible? Did people have heart attacks, just because of dreams?

I made sure to look at Louis to see if he was still sleeping, and when I was sure he was I tip-toed into the bathroom and clicked the door shut. I fell against the wood and screwed my eyes shut, taking a few deep breaths to try and calm my still rapid heart rate.

When I felt like I could properly breathe again, I walked over to the sink and turned the cold water on. I leaned forward and cupped my hands under the water before splashing my face. I closed my eyes and braced myself over the sink, trying to process the dream I’d just had.

Louis kissed me, and then consequently the two of us said we loved one another.

It didn’t make any bloody sense! I loved Louis, because he was my best mate, and I wasn’t sure what I’d do without him most days, but I didn’t spend the days thinking about how soft his lips were, or how it would feel to have his hands gripping my waist or pressed tight against the small of my back.

My cheeks flushed and when I looked up at my reflection, I realized one thing: I may have never thought of those things before, but now? Well... I couldn’t stop.

“Fucking hell,” I muttered, splashing my face with water once again. I grabbed the nearest hand towel and patted my skin dry before I looked at my reflection again. It was just a dream. It could be blamed on the fact that Louis and I were sharing a room, and he’d been so good to me in the time that I’d known him. It was just a dream. It didn’t mean anything.

I kept repeating this to myself as I made my way out of the bathroom. Louis was passed out on his stomach, one arm splayed out haphazardly on the bed and the other clutching his pillow while his head was turned toward my side of the bed--and when I checked the time I knew why. It was only half seven, and I didn’t have to be up for a few hours, which meant he had even longer. I sighed and got back in bed, perching myself on the very edge of the mattress while I tried to fall back to sleep.

Every time I closed my eyes though, I saw Louis kissing me, which was enough to make me want to fall out of bed all over again.

I stayed on my side, facing away from Louis, for the next two hours. I caught my alarm before it went off, crawled out of bed easily, and went into the bathroom to shower.

My plan was to get ready as fast as possible and then head over to Lou’s room, before Louis ever woke up. I showered quick, threw on a pair of skinny jeans, a sweater, and a scarf, before I finished in the bathroom and slipped out. I put on my boots, grabbed the last few things I needed, and then with one last glance in Louis’s direction, I slipped out of the room.

I didn’t breathe again until I was out in the hallway, where I leaned against the door and took several deep breaths to try and calm myself down.

Louis and I kissing.

I sighed, knowing the day ahead was going to be rough from that point on, and then made my way to Lou’s room.

***

The boys had a matinee show that day, which on any other day wouldn’t have been a problem. But after my Louis dream, I’d been thrown for such a loop that I couldn’t get my feet planted back firmly on the ground. I kept misplacing hair and make-up tools all over the bloody dressing room, and while it was making me increasingly frustrated and more temperamental than usual, Lou couldn’t stop laughing at my expense. “Love, loosen up, yeah? Just another show,” she kept reminding me, even though it felt like anything but.

The nicest thing about the matinee show was that Loren wasn’t there yet--she had class and wouldn’t be there until later that night. I wasn’t exactly looking forward to her impending arrival, but I tried to push that to the back of my head. I would deal with her when and if the time came.

I tried to just stick to my job, especially when all of the boys finally showed up and it was showtime for Lou and I. It was a whirlwind of hair and make-up after that, which was fine by me because that meant I didn’t have to focus on Louis, aside from doing my job.

I wasn’t avoiding him, because how ridiculous would that have been? But I certainly wasn’t going out of my way to talk to him.

I did Niall’s hair first while he chatted my ear off about whatever he could. The show, the end of the tour, how his mum was coming in to London to see the last London show. “I think the lot of us should go out tomorrow night! We haven’t gone out in ages.”

I laughed and rolled my eyes. “I’m sure ask and ye shall receive, yeah Nialler?”

He just grinned at me in the mirror.

When I finished his hair, I sent him on his way. “Who’s next?” I called.

Before I even got the words out, Louis was sitting down in front of me. He grinned at me in the mirror. “Didn’t even hear you leave this morning.”

I shrugged, focusing on his hair while I got to work. “I woke up early and couldn’t fall back asleep. Didn’t want to bother you.”

He chuckled. “When have you ever bothered me, Mia?”

I didn’t answer.

“What’s wrong?” he asked through a sigh.

I shrugged. “Nothing.”

“You’re a million miles away. Come on, love, what’s up?”

I sighed. “Nothing, Lou. Just tired. Didn’t sleep well, yeah?”

I was sure he didn’t believe me, but he didn’t push it. I finished up his hair and when he was done, I sent him on his way.

I tried to just focus on my job for the rest of the day. We finished getting the lads ready and then before we knew it, it was showtime. I hardly had time to think then, because it was a rush of helping the lads and them coming and going.

I thought I was going to be fine. I thought everything was okay, but then after the matinee show I had a whole new problem.

Loren.

She was lurking around the dressing room before the show, hanging onto Harry like her life depended on it. I focused on cleaning up and getting ready for the second show, because even if Loren was there I still had a job to do.

Louis kept giving me looks, silently asking if I was all right, which wasn’t exactly helping but I was trying so that was all I could do.

We got the lads ready and sent them out for the second show, Loren went out to one of the boxes to watch them perform, and I could finally breathe.

The show went smoothly and before I knew it, we were cleaning up. Caroline headed back to the hotel early, claiming she was feeling a bit under the weather, so it was just Lou and I cleaning up while the lads showered and got ready to head back to the venue.

“I’m gonna head back to the hotel. I’m knackered,” Louis said, sneaking up on me while I was packing up.

I laughed and nodded. “Sounds good, I’ll just see you back at the room.”

He nodded and left while I packed up brushes and hair products and whatever else needed packed up. Lou took the time to carry things out, leaving me alone to finish packing up. I was so focused that I didn’t even hear Loren until she was standing right beside me. “Can we talk for a minute?”

I sighed. “Not now. I’m busy.”

“You’re always busy, Mia. Can’t you give your best mate five minutes?”

I tensed up. “Best mate? Pretty bloody strong of you to come in here and say that, yeah?”

She sighed. “Well, you’re talking to me, so that has to be something right?”

“No, because I’m only doing this so I don’t slap you again,” I muttered, shoving things into a bag with much more force than intended. “What are you doing here Loren? What do you want?” I sighed, stopping what I was doing to look up at her.

“I just want to talk to you Mia. That’s all. Then I’ll leave and--”

“And what? You’ll go back to the hotel, the hotel I’m staying in, and go to Harry’s room? You’ll stay with Harry for the night, blissfully happy, because you’re getting everything you want with no repercussions? I get it Loren. You’re with Harry. You’re happy. He bloody loves you. I really have no idea what more you could want.”

“I want my best mate back, Mia. I just want my best mate back.”

“You shouldn’t have slept with the boy I was in love with then!” I yelled, finally having enough. “You shouldn’t have went behind my back, you shouldn’t have went after Harry, and you shouldn’t fucking be here!”

I thought maybe that would be it, that maybe Loren would run out crying. A small part of me would have liked that, but this was Loren, and that wasn’t how she played the game. I should have known she’d fight back sooner or later.

“You should have told him! Why didn’t you just tell him, Mia? You had your chance! He was there every day after school in the bakery. He was right there Mia! You could have told him, you could have said, ‘Harry, I’m in love with you!’ But you were too scared, and the moment passed you by.”

My jaw dropped. “You’re joking right? You’re not actually blaming this on me?”

She shrugged. “No, I’m not. I should have came to you. I should have told you how I felt. I know that Mia, but why can’t we get past this? I’m apologizing. Can’t we start from there?”

“No! I can hardly look at you without wanting to scream, cry, or both. Every time I see you and Harry together, I feel like my heart’s getting lit on fire. Every. Single. Time. I’m exhausted, by all of this, Loren. I can’t fucking do it anymore!”

I thought she was going to say something more. I thought she was going to stick around and fight with me, but when I looked back up, she was gone. I felt like I was going to fall apart, right there in the middle of the dressing room, but then Harry appeared and I realized what falling apart really felt like. “What happened?” he asked, his brow furrowed. He didn’t seem concerned with my tearstreaked face at all.

“Loren...” I said simply, letting the word fall to the ground. I didn’t have the energy to say anything else.

“She’s gone now, back at the hotel. Ran into her out in the hall. What happened Mia?” he repeated.

“Why is she here, Harry? Why is she always here, and why her? Out of everyone in bloody London, you just fall into bed with Loren?”

He had the audacity to look a little embarrassed, which maybe should have been a tip-off for me, but I was too caught up in everything happening. He shoved his hands into his pockets and dropped his gaze to the ground. “Would it have mattered who it was?”

That stopped me short. “What?”

He sighed and looked up, his green eyes finding mine and throwing me for a loop. “Would it have mattered who it was, Mia? Because I think the problem here is that it’s not you.”

I actually took a physical step backwards. “E-excuse me?” I asked, stumbling over my words.

“I know, Mia. She told me, but she didn’t tell me how you felt until that first time she came out on tour. And by then...” he trailed off, shrugging his shoulders. “I’d already fallen for her, and I’m sorry for that Mia, I really, truly am. I never wanted to hurt you like that in a million years, but even if I hadn’t fallen for her...” He stopped himself short before he shook his head and sighed. “Even if I hadn’t, I couldn’t be with you Mia.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. “Oh my god,” I muttered, rubbing my face in frustration and having a hard time comprehending everything. Not only was I hearing that Harry had fallen for Loren, I was hearing that even if he hadn’t, he wouldn’t be with me in a million years. “This isn’t happening,” I muttered, looking anywhere but into his green eyes.

“No, Mia, that’s not--” he stopped again, groaning. “That isn’t what I meant, or how I meant it. I’m not--I’m not saying that I wouldn’t want to be with you. You’re amazing, Mia, you are. You’re beautiful, and you’re strong, and driven, and amazing, you are. But I couldn’t be with you.”

“I don’t see the difference,” I muttered, still looking at the ground while I crossed my arms tight in front of my chest.

“Mia,” he said, and I finally looked up. “I couldn’t be with you, even if there was no one else in the picture, because I couldn’t do that to my best mate.”

“What does that even--”

“Louis,” he said, cutting me off. “I couldn’t be with the girl he’s in love with. I couldn’t do that to my best mate.”

That was the exact moment I fell apart.