Any Other Heart

When I woke up, my head was pounding and there was a piece of paper resting on my face.

“What the fuck?” I muttered, snatching it up and squinting at the small piece of paper, hotel stationary covered in Niall’s chicken scratch.

Out for some press, call if you need me.

I sighed and crumpled the paper up then tossed it onto the ground. The clock read a little past noon. I frowned and sat up, everything in me protesting against the move. I needed water, aspirin, and maybe some hot tea.

I got off the bed and took a peak in the mirror that was hanging on the wall across from the bed. I looked bloody awful; my make-up was smudged all over my face, my sweater was twisted and rumpled, I saw my scarf spread out on the ground, and I was still wearing my boots from when we’d gone out the night before.

“Jesus,” I muttered to myself before heading to the bathroom.

I splashed my face with water and grabbed one of the hotel-provided towels to wipe my day-old make-up off with. I needed to shower. I left the bathroom and took in Niall’s room, which was a mess, but that was Niall. I sighed and pulled my phone out of my pocket, some missed calls and texts on it but I didn’t bother checking them. I stuffed it back in my pocket and then decided to go back to my room. I needed a change of clothes, a shower, and a breath of fresh air.

Thankfully, the boys were all gone so when I got back to my room, it was empty. The bed wasn’t made and a few pieces of Louis’s clothes were laying haphazardly around, so he had obviously slept here the night before. I didn’t want to think about that, or what he thought when I didn’t come back, or even what Niall told him that morning when they saw each other. I told myself I didn’t care and pushed it to the back of my mind.

I stripped out of my clothes from the night before and got into the shower, turning the water on as hot as I could possibly stand it before I got in. I just wanted to breathe for a minute, relax my sore muscles and foggy mind and breathe.

When the water ran cold and my fingers were so wrinkled I didn’t think they would ever go back to normal, I got out and wrapped a towel around myself. I put on some clean clothes and then sat down on the bed.

I rested my head in my hands and took a deep breath. I’d never had a panic attack before in my life, but sitting in the hotel room, I felt like I couldn’t breathe, like the room wasn’t big enough and I was all alone. So I grabbed my lighter and my still un-opened pack of cigarettes and stepped out onto the balcony of the room.

I sat down and finally opened up my pack of cigarettes, hitting the pack against my hand to free one of the sticks, and then stuffed the pack into my pocket.

I didn’t smoke, not regularly, and that hadn’t changed. But I’d be damned if I didn’t try it to calm my nerves.

I inhaled and then blew the smoke towards the sky. I held the cigarette at my side, letting it burn down. Smoking still wasn’t my thing; it was making my throat burn and it wasn't fantastic, but I no longer felt like I was losing my mind, so maybe it was.

I let my head fall back against the chair and looked up at the cloudy London sky. I didn’t know what to think about first, but almost on instinct my head went to Louis.

My eyes screwed shut and I sighed. I wanted to go back to a few days ago when I didn’t know how Louis felt, when things were normal. Except normal would have been before Loren showed up and ruined everything, so I guess I wanted to go back to before tour when things made sense, back to when I was blissfully unaware of everything and living in a state of ignorance.

I didn’t want that either though, because ignorance just meant stupidity. I was stupid. I couldn’t help thinking that maybe if I’d just opened my eyes, paid a little more attention, I would have known about Loren and Harry. I could have asked more questions, tried to figure it out, but I didn’t and now I was paying the consequences.

I brought the cigarette back up to my lips and inhaled, my cheeks hollowing from the force of it, and then dropped my hand again and exhaled. There was nothing I could do about Loren and Harry, and I felt like the sooner I accepted that, the better off I would be. They were together. It was a fact, and I had to get over it.

I didn’t want to just “get over it” though, which was ridiculous. I knew any pain I felt because of the dynamic duo from then on out was my own fault, but I couldn’t help how I felt. I rubbed the bridge of my nose and groaned. “This is a mess,” I muttered to no one.

I stayed out on the balcony for a little while, finishing my cigarette and trying to calm the thoughts in my head, before I felt a rumble in my stomach. I got up and went back into the room and called room service, ordering too much food for the simple fact that I could.

I relaxed on the bed and turned on the telly, not caring in the least what was on while I waited for my food.

Finally there was a knock at the door and I hurried over. I was expecting one of the hotel workers to be on the other side of the door holding a tray with my food on it. I smiled and started to thank him, but stopped short when I saw Louis.

And Kristen.

“Um... oh,” I said, taking a step back in surprise. “Oh. Hi.”

Louis smiled, his hand on Kristen’s back. “Mia! There you are. Wondered where you were last night. Nialler said you lot had a good night though, yeah?”

I just smiled and nodded, feeling more and more awkward with each passing second.

“So...” Louis said, sort of nodding his head by me, and I realized they were still standing in the hallway.

“Oh! Right! Erm, come in,” I said, stepping to the side and letting the two of them inside. “So... what are you two up to?” I asked.

Louis rifled through his suitcase while Kristen sat on the edge of the bed and watched. “Going to an early dinner,” Louis muttered, very focused on looking through his clothes. “Bloody hell, I need to start folding things better.”

Kristen laughed and rolled her eyes then looked at me with an expression that said Boys! What can you do? As if we were best mates bonding or something. I just smiled back, because I wasn’t sure what else to do. “So, Mia, Louis told me you’re working with Lou now? What do you do exactly?”

“Oh, well, I help with hair and make-up. Lou’s a professional stylist, so I’m like... an intern I suppose?”

Kristen nodded, as if she were interested in my life. “Sounds fun!”

I shrugged. “What are you up to?” I tried to keep my tone as neutral as I could possibly manage.

“Oh, just trying to finish up this term in one piece,” she said with a shrug, her laughter filling the room.

I nodded before I started to chew on my lip.

Finally Louis popped up with an outfit in hands. “Be right back!” he said before popping over to the bathroom and clicking the door shut. Then there was silence.

I coughed awkwardly and leaned against the wall. “So, how have you been?”

She shrugged again and crossed her legs. “Good, good. Hectic, but good. I was glad Lou had the day off when he did so we could catch up.”

I smiled, but it was tight. “He said you two were talking again.”

“Just friends.”

“Does he know that?” I asked, trying me best to keep the bite out of my tone while I smiled and shoved my hands into my back pockets. “‘cause he seems pretty happy to have you here, and I would hate to see this turn sour. Again.”

I could tell I’d hit a nerve, because Kristen bristled and sat up straight on the bed. “Not sure that’s any of your business, yeah?”

I smiled. “But it is, ‘cause he’s my best mate and I had to watch him fall apart the last time you decided he wasn’t enough for you. I’d hate to have to do it again.”

“Hmm,” she hummed, “Like he did for you then?”

If I had the guts, I would have reached out and slapped her, but instead I kept my hand down at my side and clenched my fist. I smiled, hoping my eyes conveyed the hatred I was feeling in that moment. I didn’t have time for a comeback unfortunately, because Louis was hurrying out of the bathroom then.

“Sorry, sorry! Almost bloody dropped my mobile in the toilet,” he muttered, tossing his previous outfit aside, not caring where it landed. He stood up straight and sighed before regaining his composure and looking at Kristen with a smile. “Shall we?”

She nodded and got off the bed. “We shall!” she said to him with a bright smile, any of her former hostility having vanished. To me, she smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “So nice to see you again, Mia. Hopefully I’ll see you soon!”

I smiled back but said nothing as we hugged. She brushed by me towards the door, and then it was just Louis and I. He smiled, ready to leave, but I grabbed his arm to stop him. “Be careful,” I said, my voice low so only he would hear.

He gave me a short nod and smiled. “I’ll see you later then?”

He seemed fine, so I smiled back and then he left.