Any Other Heart

On the drive to Manchester, the feeling that it was the last show I was going to experience for awhile settled into my bones and wouldn’t leave.

I’d called my mum when the lads had an off-day in Birmingham. I’d spent most of the day in my hotel room but then finally got enough courage to call her and tell her about the job Lou was offering me. Our talk went better than expected, after reassuring mum that I’d be doing something I loved and that it was an experience of the lifetime.

“Sounds familiar,” she’d mumbled, but hadn’t outright rejected me.

We talked for over an hour, discussing the pros and cons. I told her I’d be closer to Matt, so if anything went wrong he would always be right there, and that Lou would be around when she wasn’t touring as well.

I honestly wasn’t sure she was going to go for it, but after some convincing she finally said yes.

“I’m not sure I like the idea, but I suppose this is your decision,” she told me, and I couldn’t have been happier. She made me promise to try some classes in uni though, and I promised her I would look into it.

With my mum’s approval in tact, all I had to do was make the final decision and tell Lou I was going to take the job.

I spent the next few days mulling it over, but it wasn’t until we were on the bus on the way to Manchester that I realized exactly what I was going to do.

I was fucking about on my laptop, emailing some friends and doing whatever I could to keep myself occupied, when I somehow found myself with a browser pulled up to the entertainment section of MSN. I hadn’t really thought anything of it until I saw an article talking about the lads I was currently sharing a bus with.

It was nothing much, just a picture of Louis and Kristen side-by-side to a picture of Loren and Harry, ducking from the glare of the pap’s camera flash. I didn’t click on it, because I didn’t really care to read any more about either relationship, but instead closed out and shut my laptop.

The twisting in my gut didn’t go unnoticed though, and that was the moment I knew I was going to take the job Lou was offering me. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I wasn’t going to stay on tour while I knew what I knew and I certainly wasn’t going to sit by while I watched Harry and Loren continue in their blissfully happy state. I didn’t want to let Loren ruin something for me; touring was a wonderful experience that could really take me places, but I rationalized it by telling myself that going to work at the bloody X-Factor of all things was a step up. I’d be doing work professionally, and even if I was just an intern or an assistant I’d still be working.

So that was how I found myself going to Lou’s room once we got to Manchester. “You busy?” I asked when she opened the door, ushering me inside.

“Absolutely not! Just waiting for Niall so I can cut his bloody hair before I go mental.” She winked at me as we took seats on the chairs in the corner of the room. “What’s on your mind, love?”

I sighed. “I talked to my mum the other day about the job. She wasn’t thrilled at first, but I think I reassured her enough that she’s okay with the idea. She wants me to look into uni classes, if I’d have the time, and I promised her I would.”

“Love, that’s brilliant! So? Are you saying...” she trailed off, her eyes glinting with hopefulness.

I smiled and nodded. “I’d love the job, if you think I could do it and that I’m qualified.”

“Oh babe, you’re going to love it! I was talking to my mate Lucy the other day more about it and she’s so excited to meet you. She thinks you’ll do just fine, and she promised to take you under her wing and help when she can. She’s actually going to be looking for a flat soon, and needs a roommate. I thought, maybe, if you were up to it, you could live with her? She’s amazing, really, and you’d have someone around at all times that you knew instead of some rando roommate.”

“That’d be lovely. I just--I can’ believe this is actually happening, yeah?”

She nodded. “There’s one problem though. I mean, ‘s not really a problem, more an inconvenience for you.”

“What?”

“We’d have to find you a place as soon as we got home, and you wouldn’t be able to come on the Euro tour because the timetables and everything--we’d be cutting it too close to when you need to start.”

My head was spinning with all the information getting thrown at me, but I nodded happily. “That’s fine. The sooner, the better, yeah?” I smiled and Lou grinned. “I just--I honestly don’t think I can thank you enough, Lou. For everything. And I know it’s all sort of gone to shit, but--”

She stopped me then. “Nonsense, love. Going to shit would have been you, oh I don’t know--laying out Harry’s new lass, yeah? Or something equally horrific.” She winked and I laughed. “You’ve done brilliantly, to be honest. I know it’s been rough and maybe not ideal, but you’ve been professional and I know you’ll go places. Working with Lucy will be good for you, that much I’m sure of. You’re headed places, yeah? Just don’t forget me when you get there.” She winked again.

We hugged and I thanked her a few million more times before she walked me to the door. When we opened it, Niall was standing on the other side with his fist raised to knock. He grinned at us both before brushing by us into the room. I laughed and turned around. “You have virtually no manners when it comes to entering other people’s rooms, Ni.”

He continued grinning before sitting down in a chair I’d previously been occupying. “Aye, it’s not like you’re strangers!”

I couldn’t argue with him there.

“What are you doing here anyways?” He asked me while Lou got her things out to start his haircut.

I chewed on my lip nervously. Did I want to tell him? Did I want to tell any of the lads I wouldn’t be on the Euro tour?

No, I didn’t. I wasn’t going to either, because I didn’t want to deal with it, quite simply. Maybe that was the coward in me, but I didn’t care. I felt I deserved one cowardly moment.

“Mia’s just accepting a job offer I told her about a few days ago,” Lou said to him before walking over to the table with her things. “And I couldn’t be happier!”

Niall frowned and looked over at me. “You’re leaving us?”

I shrugged and stuffed my hands into my back pockets. “On to bigger things, I suppose.”

“So... no more tour? Not even Europe?”

I sighed. “No, no more tour. This will be--Manchester’s my last show.”

“Are you going to tell the lads?”

I looked at Lou, who was behind Niall and working on his hair now, eyeing my carefully. I shook my head. “No. Think you can keep a secret, Nialler?”

***

My talk with Lou re-energized me. I was excited for the show and I was excited to be doing what I did best for the last time, for now. Niall had promised me to keep quiet, so I didn’t have to worry about that either, and things were good.

I tried to act normal around the lads, which wasn’t as hard as I was expecting in all honesty. They were either too tired or too preoccupied to do much of anything, but I was okay with it. The less attention on me, the better.

The show ran smoothly, which was appreciated from everyone. The entire crew was tired, and it showed, but everyone was doing their job to the best of their abilities as well.

Matt showed up late, not until the boys were performing their final songs. I snuck off to go find him and told Lou I’d be right back. When I found him, he was just happy to see me. He congratulated me on my new job, mum having informed him of what was happening, and I was just glad he was happy for me.

The end of the show was the weirdest part, because it was over. For everyone else, it was just over until the next leg of the tour. For me, it was over, for good. When I left Manchester with Matt, that would be it. I ignored the twist in my stomach at the thought of leaving the lads and tried to focus on enjoying my final time with them all.

Everyone was happy and celebrating and there was music and drinks and even Paul looked happy, which was rare, because he’s in charge of a group like One bloody Direction. But everyone was happy, and the tired eyes of the lads even disappeared for awhile while they were celebrating.

“Ready to go, love?” Matt asked me finally, when all of the stories had been shared and introductions had taken place and I felt like it was finally okay for me to leave, and I nodded.

“I’ll go--let me just say goodbye.” He nodded and I walked over to the lads.

“I think--I’m going to be heading out now,” I said, announcement like when I reached the lot of them. There was commotion then, like they couldn’t believe I was actually leaving.

I hugged Zayn and Liam first, thanking them for everything. “We’ll see you soon, yeah love?” Liam said, a note of hopefulness in his voice that I couldn’t ignore. I just smiled tightly and nodded.

I pulled Niall in next. “You’ll be all right,” he said into my ear quietly. We were a few steps off to the side, but still. “Call me before we head to Europe or the States and we’ll get a few drinks, yeah?”

I nodded and pulled away. “I’ll be all right, and I will. Thank you, Nialler. For everything, yeah?”

He grinned and nodded before kissing my cheek and then heading off to find something to eat, or so he claimed. I made a mental note to absolutely text him at some point so I could see him again, and then I moved on to Harry.

I felt awkward when I finally stepped up to him. “Well, made it through tour, yeah?” I said, raking my fingers through my hair.

I watched as he furrowed his brows and looked a me intently. “I’m sorry Mia. For everything. I’m sorry it all happened and I’m sorry you got hurt. That was--that was the last thing we wanted.”

I sighed and nodded. “I--yeah. I know,” I said, because I think a very small part of me did know that, on Harry’s end at the very least, he didn’t want to hurt me, and I just had to accept that and try to get over it.

He pulled me in for a hug before I could protest, squeezing me tight before letting go. “You’ll be all right?”

I nodded. “I’ll be fine.”

He nodded as well and squeezed my shoulder. “I’ll always be here if you need me, yeah?”

I rolled my eyes but smiled. It was a nice gesture, but I think we both knew everything was different now. “Thanks, Haz. I’d say the same, but...” I trailed off and shrugged, not sure how to say what I meant.

He sighed but nodded anyways. “I know.”

I said my goodbyes to Lou after that, who told me to call her the following day so we could talk about living arrangements, and I said goodbye to Caroline who told me I would do great in whatever I did in life. I saved Louis for last, because the thought of leaving and not knowing when I would see him again was actually breaking my heart. “Walk me out?” I asked him, realizing I couldn’t say goodbye there with everyone watching.

He smiled, but it was sad, and nodded. He, Matt, and myself didn’t say anything as we walked out of the venue.

“I’m gonna go get the car,” Matt said to me when we reached the carpark. He shook Louis’s hand and thanked him for watching out for me and then headed off. Then it was just Louis and I.

I pulled him in for a hug before I could do or say anything else and just held him for awhile. He wrapped his arms around my waist, his hands resting at the small of my back while I rested my head on his shoulder, burrowing my face in his neck. “I’m sorry, Lou,” I said, the words getting lost in his skin. “Everything got so messed up.” I didn’t elaborate, because I wasn’t sure I could, but I think he knew what I meant.

I felt his lips brush over the top of my head. “‘s not your fault, love. Things happened. Now we just have to... get past them, yeah?”

I didn’t say anything. I hoped he meant what I thought he did.

When we finally separated, Louis nodded. “You’ll be all right, Mia. You will. It’s just ten days. Get through being home, and then we’ll... I don’t know,” he shrugged, shoving his hands into his pockets, “We’ll figure it out, yeah? I’ll be here for you. It’ll be all right.”

I nodded, wrapping my arms around my middle to try and hold in the feeling that my heart was going to burst through my chest. Not telling Louis that I wouldn’t be seeing him for awhile, well--it hurt more than I was expecting it too. I swallowed the lump in my throat and said, “I’ll be okay, Lou. I think--I’m gonna be fine.” I wanted to say more, but didn’t quite know how to put it all into words.

His hand found the back of my head while he pulled me in and pressed his lips to my forehead. My eyes screwed shut and I tried to forget everything, everything I knew and everything I’d learned and all of it. When he pulled away, he rubbed my arm before stepping back, putting a physical distance between us, as if that would make it better.

“I’ll see you later, yeah?” I said, trying to keep my voice from cracking but failing.

“Aye, it’s just ten days. You won’t even have time to miss me,” he said with a smile.

I laughed and nodded. “Bye Lou.”

“Love you,” he said, his voice much quieter.

I nodded. “Love you too, babe.”

I didn’t say anything more as I turned on my heal and headed to the car, Matt waiting only a few meters away.

I climbed in and watched Louis watch us as we drove away and I waved. He waved back and then when we were turning onto the main road, Louis turned around and headed back into the venue.

I closed my eyes and fell back against the seat, trying to forget that that was the last time I would see Louis for quite some time. “You didn’t tell any of them then?” Matt asked after a few minutes of quiet.

I shook my head, eyes still screwed tightly shut. “Not a soul, but Niall found out. Lou promised me she would tell them all before they headed out so it wouldn’t be a complete shock. Not that it matters either way, but...” I trailed off, shrugging my shoulders.

We were quiet while Matt navigated us out of Manchester. When the lights of the city faded in our rearview mirror, I turned to my older brother and sighed. “Guess that’s it then, yeah?”

He smiled, but kept his eyes on the road. “On to the next chapter of your life, aye? Pretty exciting, living in London. I can help you look if you need.”

I smiled. “I’d like that. Lou said she’d help too. Think I’ll be all right, Matt?”

He nodded without missing a beat. “You’ll be just fine, Mia. Just fine.”

I nodded as well and let my head fall back against the seat. I would be fine. It was time to move on to the next chapter of my life.

For some reason, in that moment I remembered the tattoo on my side, the delicate script reading This too shall pass, and realized I'd made it. I'd gotten through tour, and while it hadn't been easy, I'd come out on the other side virtually unscathed. My constant reminder that, quite simply, shit happened, but I would always be able to make it through.

In a year’s time, I’d fallen in love with a boy who didn’t feel the same, lost a best mate, and toured all over the UK. I’d grown up a lot in the past months, or hoped I had, and hoped I would only grow more as I moved onto my next job, one I couldn’t wait to start on. I’d gotten my heart broken, but I liked to think it was getting better, that everything was getting better, and I would be just fine. This too shall pass. I felt the ink on my skin like a burn, remembering the day I got the tattoo and why--things may have happened, but I was going to be okay.

This too shall pass. I smiled a little as I watched the countryside pass us by. I was going to be just fine.