A Better Reality

Alex kissed me and then left. Who just leaves after they randomly kiss someone?! Who does that! I’ve been so frustrated trying to figure out why he just walked out of my room and went home. He starts off making me feel proud that I left the situation I was in, thanks to my mom for kicking me out, then kisses me…THEN LEAVES. I’m just at a loss for words. I, Eleanor Abigail Lewis, was at a loss of words for the first time ever. Alex freakin’ Gaskarth is the cause of all of this, no one has ever made me incapable of not speaking. I was currently seated in the field behind Delaney just pondering what the heck happened this morning. I know what you’re thinking, its Christmas break and I’m at school? I don’t know this field just makes me feel at ease, I like it. As I sat there biting my nails, a nasty habit I picked up years ago, I heard some rustling in the grass behind me and I thought that someone was going to try and murder me. I whipped my head around and the person at fault for all this frustration I was having was walking towards me with his guitar.

“You,” I said to him, glaring.

“Me!” Alex yelled with a smile on his face as he sat down next to me.

“You don’t make any sense.”

“How do I not make any sense?” He asked while casually strumming on his guitar.

“This morning. What in the world was that?” I asked him.

“My dear Elle that was a kiss!” He joked.

“I’m being serious Alex.”

“It was a kiss. What was wrong with it?” He calmly asked me. Why is he so calm?!

“You don’t just randomly kiss someone like that! You go off making me feel good about my situation I was in, and then you just kiss me!”

“Elle…how long have you been frustrated by this kiss?” Alex asked me, just staring at me.

“Let’s see, it happened at 10am, it is now 7pm, so….however long that is!” I yelled. I was stumped.

“Get over it, Elle.”

“Get over it? How can I just get over it, when I don’t even know why you did it!” I yelled, this is unbelievable.

“I did it because I wanted to prove to you that a guy would still be interested in you if you told them what happened to you. That’s why I did it,” Alex said, strumming on his guitar, not even making eye contact with me.

“You’re interested in me?” I said, smirking at him. You see, I’ve got little mister Alex Gaskarth all figured out, he’s one of the school’s biggest flirts, he sleeps his way to the top of the popularity pyramid, and puts up the whole cool band boy front when really I know he’s ready to bust at the seam from all the fakes he is surrounded by in school. He’s ready to unleash who he really is, but he’s afraid people won’t accept him. He won’t be accepted if he were interested in the new, ‘stuck up’, preppy girl by the name of Eleanor Lewis. No not at all, kids would make fun of him for liking me when he could get a cheerleader or someone of much more importance at this school to do him in the back of his car. It’s kind of cute how he acts like he doesn’t care what people think of him when I know he cares what people think of him, it eats at him at the end of the day. He’s fed up with who he is pretending to be when he really just wants to be Alex Gaskarth, the boy who loves music.

“I didn’t say that, I said guys would be if they knew. I was giving you hope,” he said shaking it off.

“Don’t lie Alex. I know everything there is to know about you,” I said to him and he just snapped his head up.

“You think I’m lying?” He quietly said, hurt clear in his intense chocolate brown orbs. I just nodded my head. “You’re kidding me? You really think I would be interested in the new girl who moved from downtown? The girl that doesn’t drink, smoke, curse or anything of that sort because it isn’t proper enough for her? The girl that looks down on people who act like fools in public even though they’re having fun? I know how much fun you had last night breaking all those rules at the party. I know you had more fun drinking last night than you’ve ever had in life. You think you’ve got me figured out, well sweetie I’ve got you figured out too. Nobody likes a stuck up bitch like you.”

That hurt, what he said about me. Do people really think I’m stuck up? It’s just how I was raised. To know that’s what Alex thought about me? Now that is what really hurts. Here I sit, thinking I was developing feelings for this young and stupid boy when all he has thought about me is that I’m stuck up and better than everybody else. I shoved all my belongings into my bag then stood up to leave.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Alex asked me, standing up much like I had.

“Home.” Alex stood in front of me and each time I stepped to the other side he followed me, blocking my path.

“No, you’re mad aren’t you?” Alex asked.

“Alex, get out of my way.”

“No. I refuse to move Elle. Tell me you’re mad at me,” Alex insisted again.

“NO!” I yelled at him.

“Tell.me.you.are.mad.at.me” Alex said, getting in my face.

“GET OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY YOU DUMBASS!” I said whilst I shoved him to the floor. His look of shock was quickly replaced by that dumb smirk of his.

“You hate me.”

“Stop saying that! I’m just mad at you, are you happy now?! I’m mad! I’m not stuck up, I don’t think I’m better than everyone else! I just want to be normal, but I’m incapable of being normal because my step dad ruined that for me! What don’t you understand about that Alex?! You are the only person that knows my secret and here you are throwing it in my face! I don’t want to think about it anymore, I just want to forget what he did and move on with my life! I deserve to be happy! I’m away from my problem and I just want to be happy now! I want to date guys, I want to be able to love a guy now that I don’t have to worry about when my step dad is going to rape me again!” I yelled at him, tears streaming down my face. He was now standing, staring at me in disbelief, there he finally got me to open up and cry about what happened to me. I felt sorry for myself. He wrapped me in a hug and I broke down even more. I was uncontrollably sobbing into his shirt, probably ruining it, while he tried to calm me down. My knees gave out on me and Alex sat us down on the ground, still pressing me against him. He flattened my hair, rubbed my back, and whispered encouraging things into my ear all to try and calm me down. Once he realized I probably wouldn’t stop anytime soon he pulled out his iPod and stuck one headphone in my ear and the other in his ear. He scrolled through his songs and selected one, an all too familiar melody danced through my ear, he put on ‘Your Song’ by Elton John. My favorite song in the whole wide world. The tears started to stop and my lips started to turn upwards into a smile. Alex started to sing the words to me and after a few lines I started singing along with him, I was at peace now. Once the song ended I took the headphone out and handed it to Alex.

“Thanks,” I said, not making eye contact with him. We sat there in silence neither of us moving to make conversation, we just sat there. I looked up and Alex was staring at me with a look I couldn’t put a word to. He was thinking, and thinking hard. I wanted to know what he was thinking about.

“What are you thinking about?” I asked him. He snapped out of his trance and looked at me. His face full of determination. He leaned over and captured my lips with his, this time I kissed back. Not sure of what I wanted, knowing this just felt right, I kissed him back and we moved our lips against one another’s. It came time for us to come up for oxygen and Alex was the one that broke the kiss but he rested his forehead against mine, with his eyes closed.

“I like you,” he said, opening his eyes and staring into mine.

Staring into his brown eyes a small smile found its way to my lips, “I think I like you too.” That’s all I said and that’s all that needed to be said. He pressed his lips against mine again in a simple peck.

“I’ll take what I can get,” he said with a smile on his face. We laid down on our backs and Alex let me use his arm as a pillow for my head. We just laid there and looked up at the Towson sky. I turned my head to look at Alex.

“Hey Alex?” I said, breaking the comfortable silence that sat amongst us and he hummed in response, signaling for me to go on. “Would it be weird if we just laid here and stared at each other?” I asked and he laughed at me.

“It’d be really weird Elle. Why?” He asked.

“I don’t know. Take in each other’s features, get to know one another down to the core,” I said to him while shrugging my shoulders. Alex sat up and turned to me, I looked at him with a confusing look.

“Come on, sit up, let’s get to know each other to the core,” he said and helped me sit up.

“No talking, no moving, no touching, just staring,” I said to him and he nodded his head in agreement.

We probably sat there for about 3 hours just staring at one another, rarely moving. It was nice, to have someone do something I wanted to do for once, no matter how weird it might be.

“What does this make us?” Alex asked, finally breaking the silence.

“I don’t know. We still barely know one another.”

“I know your biggest secret, I think we know one another,” Alex said.

“I don’t know something deep about you,” I countered.

“My brother, Tom, committed suicide when I was 13 years old. He was my best friend and he just left me like that.”

“I’m so sorry,” I said to him. Shocked he just blurted that out.

“It’s okay.”

“May I ask how?” I asked him.

“You just did,” he smirked at me. “He was depressed, turned into an alcoholic, and one day he just shot himself, he was fed up with everything going on around him. The worst part…he didn’t come to anyone. But I’m not mad at him like people think I should be. I mean at first I was because he left without any explanation in fact I hated him for 3 solid months. Then I realized he was miserable, he failed at trying to make his dreams come true and he was a boring old school teacher. Tom hated school. He lived in England while I lived happily in America. I blamed myself at first because he needed someone and I couldn’t be there for him. I would have if I could have though, I would have done anything for him. Then I realized I’m going to make my dreams come true for him, which will make him happy.”

“That’s beautiful,” I said to Alex with a true smile on my face and he returned the same smile.

“You’re the first person to ever say that. Most just think I’m sick minded for being mad at him.”

“I just think that’s everyone’s initial reaction when they lose someone to suicide. They hate them because they think there is a better solution to your problems than killing yourself,” I vented to Alex and he leaned forward and kissed me.

“I think I just started liking you even more. You get me,” he said while nodding his head.

“Let’s face it, we’re both fucked up,” I said to him and he started to laugh. “What do you find so funny?”

“You are right, we’re both fucked up its just funny hearing you cuss,” he said in between his laughing fits.

“Yeah whatever,” I said as I stood up and walked back towards my car.

“Hey where are you going?!” Alex yelled.

“Somewhere away from you!” I yelled back at him. I heard his feet thumping on the ground as he ran to catch up to me. He threw his arm over my shoulder as he breathed heavily.

“I’m sorry for making fun of you. It’s really cute when you cuss,” he pleaded with a puppy dog pout.

“You’re forgiven,” I said and he puckered his lips at me, I just laughed and pushed his face away. I walked up to my car and opened my door where Alex helped me into my car.

“Will I see you tomorrow?” He asked me, holding my car door open.

“Depends.”

“On what?” He asked in disbelief.

“Well, do you have band practice tomorrow?” I said and he nodded his head. “Then I’ll be seeing you tomorrow.”

“Smart ass,” he said while shutting my door. He watched me pull out and drive off towards my house. I drove all the way home with a smile on my face.

Alex isn’t too bad after all.