Fear Itself

Waiting was the hardest part of all this. Forcing myself to sit by and wait was unbearable. It was the kind of teeth-grinding, hair-splitting, nail-biting nervousness I thought it would be. I tried to keep it together, if not for my own sake, for Eden’s. I sat in my room with Aunt Sophie and Eden, sitting quietly in the dim glow of the lamp on my desk. Eden sat on my lap, flipping through a picture book we’d found lying around. It was late. It had been hours since I watched Dean walk off into the night. I would have followed, but I promised. I didn’t break my promises.

Winston curled up on the bed beside me, and Cliff was laying on the floor. Ralph seemed content to perch up on my desk and stare at everyone with the same judgmental gaze he always had. We all sat in silence, save for Eden occasionally asking about things pictured in the book. Aunt Sophie and I took turns explaining for her. We were both in the same situation, what with Avery and Dean both going to that awful, horrendous riot. It didn’t show much in Sophie’s face. She had always been calm and reserved, quite docile really. Not like me. My feelings were practically written across my face all the time. Couldn’t hide them if I wanted to.

“You know,” Eden piped up. “Last time Daddy went away, Mummy never came back.”

“Well, your daddy’s a very brave man,” Sophie told her. Thankfully, she spoke first. I didn’t know what to say.

“Daddy said Mummy was very brave too,” Eden chirped. She was so unaffected and unaware. I wished I still had that naivete. I wished that death was foreign to me. “And he said that she loved me very much, and she didn’t want to leave, but some very bad men took her away, just like they took Mr. Chandler.” She paused. Nobody said a word, not until she added, “I don’t want them to take my daddy too.”

Just like that, the little girl began to cry. For the first time since I had met her, Eden sat in my arms sobbing and wailing, screaming fiercely as though the world has failed her. The worst part was that it had. The world took her childhood away from her. It took her mother. It took Chandler. Now, it might have taken her father, and who was to know? Nobody knew how long they would be there. Nobody knew how long it would take for one side to fall. My heart was telling me that the League would perish, but that was all just a foolish dream; my mind knew the League had us outnumbered. The odds were not in our favor now, and they never would be. The Brotherhood was relying on willpower and confidence alone. Numbers was a game we would never win.

Winston perked up and shifted over to lick Eden’s face. Somehow, she calmed down. He rested his head on her lap, whimpering and whining until she hugged him by the neck and laid her head against him. “Your daddy’s going to be just fine, love,” I murmured, leaning forward and kissing her head. The echoes of her sobs stung my eyes with tears. “He’s coming back. He promised.”

I didn’t know if I was talking about Gabe or if I was talking about Dean. I didn’t know if I was trying to comfort the child or if I was comforting myself. God, what was I doing? What the hell was I even doing here? I was sitting around, moping and waiting. That was all. I was doing nothing proactive.

I was doing exactly what Dean told me to do. I never did what I was told.

Squirming away from Eden, I exited the office without a word. I didn’t even answer my aunt when she asked what I was doing. I simply ask Alfred to keep my office door locked so nobody could follow me. If they followed me, they would try to stop me, and I simply didn’t have time for that. I was going whether they liked it or not; it would save me time if they didn’t get in my way.

Alfred opened the weapons rack upon my request, and I was delighted to find it hadn’t been touched. I tossed my cardie off and left it on the floor, leaving me in my white v-neck t-shirt. I began to gear up, strapping kneepads on first. The bulletproof vest was snug, but I supposed that was the way it was meant to fit me. I fastened a helmet on my head, buckling it below my chin. Next came the holsters and the guns: one on each thigh, one on each hip. All were handguns, save for the monstrous thing I pulled out last. I wasn’t quite sure what it did, but it had two barrels and one was much larger than the other. Looked good to me.

“T-tali,” Sam stammered from behind me. His nervous voice was unmistakable. Still, I tilted my head over my shoulder to look at him. “Are you going up?” I nodded. “Dean asked you not to. I nodded again. I knew that. I decided I was going anyway. That was that.

“If you’re trying to stop me, you might as well save your breath,” I told him, but he didn’t respond the way I expected him to.

“Alright,” he said. That was when I turned to face him. He smiled faintly up at me. “Stay safe, Tali,” Sam said. “And bring my brother back with you.”

We hugged, I asked him to have Alfred unlock my office once I was gone, and I rode the elevator up to the street. This was it. I was going. I made up my mind, and I wasn’t going to run back inside like I used to. Those days were over. With shoulders back and chin held high, I headed for the barricade, and I didn’t look back.