Fear Itself

The next few hours seemed to drag on and on. In all this time I had spent wandering, talking with strangers, and sparring with a young woman much tougher than me, the smell of sewage and must still hadn’t subsided. My cheeks were stained pink with tear lines, and my eyes were swollen and puffy, just as red as the rest of my face, if not more. I had been crying on and off virtually all day, unaware of any other coping methods, not to mention unaware of how to cope in general. My current situation was less than desirable: lost, lonely, hungry, and awfully confused. I was in an unfamiliar place, all thanks to a stranger who pretended to be kind and caring. I just didn’t understand why Alex would have done such a thing, why anyone would do such a thing, really, and despite this, I had been trying in vain for the last few hours to find someone to take me home before my father realized I had ever gone missing.

But a lot of time had passed since my arrival. It was late, very late, or perhaps early, depending on the time. There were no windows to judge the state of the sky. What I did know, however, was that I hadn’t slept since I had gotten here, which very well could have been over twelve hours. All I knew was that nobody wanted me to leave. For whatever reason, they were all crippled with fright over me hypothetically telling my father something. What that something was, I still didn’t really know. If they were the good guys, like Harley said, why were they so afraid of what my father would think of all this?

I didn’t want to tell my father anything. All I wanted was a warm bed for night, or… the morning, I supposed. The timeframe would have suggested it was morning, or afternoon… I had arrived at the base in the evening, and I had been there ever since. I imagined that maybe it was still dark… maybe. I closed my eyes for a moment and leaned my head against the wall, taking a deep breath and picturing a sunrise in my mind, hoping that it would calm the pulsing anxiety coursing through my veins, but it was to no avail. I lifted my head moments later, feeling no different than before. Glancing around with curiosity, I wondered if anybody else had entered, but there was no one around. I wasn’t surprised.

Groaning slightly, I dropped my head to my knees and tried to think. Was there a way out? Did I remember? No, I didn’t. I had been too preoccupied with the gun pressed at my back on the way over. The idea only frustrated me more. I hated guns. I wished that all the guns in the world would simultaneously self-destruct, which would leave no guns to threaten her with. I shoved my hands in the pockets of the beige cardigan I had been wearing since my abduction. I could feel the closed switchblade in my pocket, the one that stranger from the woods had given me, the one that I had kept on my person everyday, and I wanted to kick myself. I had a weapon on me the whole time, but I had been too petrified to use it. What was the point, then? I shook my head, only to be startled by the sound of approaching footsteps.

Out of sheer curiosity and whole lot of desperation for human contact, I pressed my hands against the floor and climbed to my feet, which were still oozing blood from scrapes and shards of glass. Ignoring the pains shooting through my legs with every step, I approached the open hall to leave the annex giving me shelter. The footsteps grew louder and closer, and I found myself hesitating to peek around the bend, perhaps fearful of who or what I might find. What if it was the next day and Alex was coming back down the hall? Surely they had finished arguing by now, probably hours ago, so it seemed probable. I certainly didn’t want to see him. In fact, he was the last person in all of London, nay all of the world, that I wanted to see. Still, I found myself desperately craving the company of another human, even if only for a moment or two. Even just a brief “Hello, how are you?” would have sufficed for the next hour or so, I figured, and maybe if we conversed for a bit, I would forget about the awful growling in my stomach.

I finally craned my neck out into the hall… lo and behold, I felt utter joy seeing a man stride down, dusty, worn military boots shuffling against the ground. He was my height, but he was huskier, definitely packing more muscle than I could ever hope to have, and I could finally see his face in the light, which was comforting. He had a strong jaw and an outline of slight stubble. His eyes were dark, still narrowed, and he certainly didn’t look happy to see me when I charged around the corner screaming, “Greg!” He looked nothing but shocked when I wrapped him up in a tight, squeezing embrace, squealing all the while. “Oh my goodness, you’ve got no idea how great it is to see you!” I nearly shrieked, burying my face in Greg’s (at least I thought his name was Greg) shoulder.

He just continued to stare at me, and I just continued to ramble. I let go of him and stepped back. “Wow,” I laughed with awe. “You still smell like blood and gunpowder. That’s kind of comforting,” I giggled and brushed the hair out of my face. “What are you doing down here?” I asked, excited but suddenly confused and curious as to his presence. A grin spread wide over my face. “Oh my gosh, have I mentioned that I’m absolutely ecstatic to see you?” I asked again. “People down here have been oh so dreadful to me. I can’t even believe it.” I laughed as though it was all a big joke because that was all I could do, and honestly, I was more focused on the reappearance of my friend.

The reunion didn’t stay all that happy for long. Once the air was quiet, his eyes seemed to focus in on my face, and his whole expression tightened up, suddenly full of irritation. All he muttered was a brief, “C’mere,” and he grabbed me by the wrist, tugging me straight under a light. I looked up at it, stared at it for a moment and brought my eyes back to him, and I realized what he was looking at that made him scowl when he looked down at my feet. “You’re bleeding.”

“Hmm, yeah,” I chuckled, my bloodshot eyes drifting away from him. My toes wiggled against the ground, and I stared at them. “It’s not so bad.” I shrugged my shoulders, swaying a little, but a little too much weight on my left heel made me wince and shift forward rather abruptly.

“Who brought you here?” he asked, ignoring everything I had been saying, and I looked back up at him. I blinked, wide-eyed, and I wondered whether or not I should tell him. Everyone else already knew, didn’t they? He seemed confused, so he must not have known what happened. “So I guess you didn’t hear, did you?” I asked, humming quietly. I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and sighed faintly, averting my gaze for a moment. “Some nonsense about how I was supposed to know something but I don’t?” I inquired with eyebrows raised, hoping maybe it would spark his memory. When he didn’t answer, I just nodded. “Oh. Well, I’ll try to give you the brief version.” I shifted my weight forward, trying to avoid any more pain in my heels.

“Basically,” I began, not paying much attention to the confused look on his face. “I was just playing with Ralph, you remember him, in my bedroom, and then I got hungry, so I went down to the kitchen, you know the one where we ate ice cream. Anyway, I was there for a few minutes to get a snack and I settled on pudding, so I was eating that, but then I went back upstairs to find a man, his name was Alex, in my room, and he said he climbed right in through my window. He looked awfully shocked to see me, and I don’t really know why,” I rambled, pausing only to breathe. “He was rather friendly at first, very kind. He got really excited that I had pudding, so I brought him downstairs so he could have some too,” I explained, but my face twisted with unease and regret so after. “And we were just talking, but then…” I furrowed my brows and closed my eyes for a moment. “He pulled a gun from his bag, and I just—“ I clenched my eyes shut to avoid any tears, and I shook my head vigorously. “No, I’d rather not speak about this anymore.” I sighed and wiped at my eyes, and I shrugged.

“He made me come here, and I was supposed to know something, but I don’t, and now I can’t even go home because I don’t know how, and nobody will even take me,” I confessed, frowning. By the end of my little rant, the scowl had deepened so far into his face I thought it might get stuck there.

“Fucking Alex,” he murmured, rubbing his brow. He huffed a frustrated breath, and I merely watched him, waiting for his next move. “Let me just… get this straight for a second,” he said, only slightly louder. He watched me, looked me dead in the eye. “He climbed in your window, so you gave him pudding, and then he put a fucking gun to your head?” He lifted his eyes above us to the light. “And let me just guess, you weren’t wearing shoes when all this took place.”

I gave him a quick nod and a meek glance. The sound of my growling stomach cause me to look down, and I put a hand over my abdomen. “Shut up,” I muttered at it, but the growling didn’t cease. I sighed quietly and looked at my friend pleadingly. “Can… can we sit somewhere please?” I asked shyly. “I would stand, but I just… my feet are hurting something terrible,” I confessed. After a brief moment of silence, I bit my bottom lip and pleaded, “Please?”

His left cheek puckered, and I could tell he was chewing on it. “C’mon, Princess,” he muttered. Still quiet, he stepped forward and brushed past me casually, hands stuffed in the pockets of his thin jacket, continuing toward another door. “We’ll… I’ll get you cleaned up.” With no other choice, I followed him just a few short feet away, treading lightly on my feet. He didn’t just open the door—he kicked it, which startled me into a small jump. Once I shook the nerves off, I followed behind, looking over the barren walls when he flipped the light switch on, bathing the room in a soft, yellow glow. All I could see was a small, unmade cot housing a handful of crates beneath it. There was a small dresser resting in the far corner, and a long mirror was propped against the wall, but he paid it no mind. He pulled a crate out from under his bed, full of what looked like medical supplies. He kneeled down on the floor and nodded at the cot. “Sit,” he instructed, and I did as told, hopping up on the mattress, swinging my feet around idly for a moment as I inspected the room. I decided I rather liked it.

I heard him rifling through the box, but I was far more interested in the room. His voice brought me back to reality when he rubbed his forehead and told me, “You’re gonna get an infection, walking around like that.” I thought I heard him mutter “dipshits,” but he swiftly turned from the box and back to me. “Okay, Princess,” he said to me, pausing to look at me, then at my feet. “When you were uh… walking here… you walked on some stuff, and taking it out will probably hurt, but it’ll hurt less once it’s out, okay?” His voice was soothing, sort of. He was trying, I would give him that much credit.

“Yeah, I felt like I stepped on something, but I was… er… preoccupied,” I told him with a small laugh. I looked around again and tried to relax, and I tried to let him do whatever he was going to do with my feet. Silence fell again when he looked up at me. I averted my gaze, suddenly feeling a bit tense because I realized I really didn’t know this man as well I had once thought. I was in a stranger’s room, trying to make small talk, and he was trying to clean my feet. “You’re name’s not Greg, is it?” I asked, looking back to him. He hummed a bit, more focused on my feet, reaching through his supplies. “I only find it appropriate to know the name of the man yanking glass out of my feet,” I joked.

“Avery,” he mumbled, finally offering his name. “M’name’s Avery.”

“That’s a lovely name,” I offered with a smile. “Traditional English, actually. It’s derived from the Norman French version of Alfred,” I told him, chuckling, but he didn’t say anything. “Do you live here?” I inquired, still trying in vain to talk to him. He started running a rag over my feet, wiping away the mud and unveiling the scratches. The more he rubbed, the more they stung, but it was a good sting, I couldn’t tell. They didn’t feel so dirty anymore, and that couldn’t have been bad.

“Sometimes,” he muttered, rather belated. I could feel my scrapes popping and fizzing with the liquid. I craned my neck forward to see, but nothing all that exciting was happening. He finally dropped the soiled rag back to the floor, and he looked through his tools again. He picked up a pair of tweezers this time and grabbed my ankle, beginning to pick out the glass. The small pieces weren’t so bad; they just stung a little.

However, the fact that he did in fact live down here from time to time brought me some hope. “So, you’ll know why they wanted me, then?” I blinked, suddenly overwhelmed by the questions in my head. I quirked an eyebrow and looked back at him. “Do you live in the woods the rest of time?” I asked, as though experiencing some sudden epiphany. “If so, we really should do dinner sometime. Maybe we can invite my aunt over, I think you’d like her.” I sat back, an amused smile tugging at my lips.

“Yeah, I live in the woods,” he affirmed, much to my delight. “In a little house, with seven dwarves.” My face scrunched up at the thought of dwarves. They were almost as bad as elves. I hated elves. I wanted very badly to tell him that, but I didn’t find time because for once he continued to speak. His eyes didn’t leave my feet, though. “As for those idiots calling themselves the Brotherhood…” he mumbled. “They don’t know why they want you.”

I sighed faintly and rested my head against the wall, waiting for him to finish up. I felt the tweezers dig deep into my right heel, and suddenly, my face twisted in pain. It only got worse when they clasped around a large shard of glass, and all it took was one swift tug to get the thing out, but that didn’t keep my foot from slamming right into his face in the meantime. “Oh my gosh,” I stammered, shooting up with wide eyes. “I am so sorry.”

Avery fell back against the floor, rubbing his nose. “Jesus fuck, Princess,” he swore. He felt under his nose, then his eye, but he shook his head, blinking a little. “If you kicked Alex like that, you wouldn’t be here.” I grimaced, chuckling a little bit. He approached me again, this time with more caution. He warned, “Don’t kick me again.” All I did was nod. I certainly wouldn’t; the man could easily kill me if he wanted to. Not that I thought he would… it was just probable.

He rubbed my feet down again with more liquid that stung, a little harsher this time, but I braced myself and bit the inside of my cheek until he stopped and the sting subsided. Carefully, he wrapped my feet in clean white, bandages. It was then that he sat back on his heels and rested his forearms on his knees, looking over my feet, much like I was. “My feet look like mummies,” I mused, giggling to myself.

“You need shows,” he interjected. “Real ones.” He was quiet when he said this, so I listened carefully and watched with intent, certainly placing my trust in this man now that I know he meant me no harm. He cleaned up, tossing everything back into the crate before he kicked it back beneath the bed. “C’mon,” he told me, now standing above me. “You’re not gonna stay put, so you might as well just come with.”

It took a moment to register what going with him entailed, and after a moment, my eyes lit up with abundant joy. “Wait,” I chirped, hopping off the cot when I saw him walk to the door. I looked down at my feet with surprise that they didn’t hurt nearly as bad now, but Avery was now the center of my attention, and I scurried to catch up with him, as he began to head for the tunnel. “Are… are we going out?” I asked, curiously, teeming with excitement. “Like, out out? Like… out into London out?” I needed to hear it to believe it, even if I knew exactly what he had meant. I just needed him to confirm, just in case. I didn’t know much about London, other than what my books told me, but they said it was lovely, a place everyone came to see. It had Big Ben and Buckingham Palace, and they even had a cute little queen. It rained a lot, from the stories I had read, but it had lots of beautiful gardens and architecture. It was a historical wonderland, and I could feel the excitement growing in the pit of my stomach.

He was quiet still, even as we began to walk through the tunnels. A few minutes of silence passed before I tried to break it again. “Thank you for taking me,” I told him, professing my gratitude. “I’ve never gotten to see the city. I’m very much used to do the view from my window which is… just my neighborhood and the woods,” I explained.

“Don’t mention it,” Avery mumbled. After a pause, he added, “Really.” He stopped when we came to an opening with a set of stairs, and when I paused to look back at him for encouragement, he merely nodded to them, giving me the okay.

I uttered a small squeal and a giggle. “I’m so excited! I can’t believe I’m about to do this!” I gushed. I took a deep breath, and the realization hit me. I looked to Avery with wide eyes. “Oh, my father would kill me.”

Amusement flashed across Avery’s face, which made me feel a little better. “You and me both, Princess,” he agreed, and he waited for me to wander up the steps. The excitement was practically overwhelming me, and I had almost forgotten that my companion had barely uttered more than a few words. I could feel the pavement beneath a few patches of exposed skin on my feet. I could taste the city air (or smog). I could breath it in. I could smell it: freedom. It was right there, right in front of me. It was all I had ever waited for, and suddenly, at that staircase, with the light pouring over my fair, freckled skin, I felt the need to race past Avery, and I probably would have shoved him had I been a little more aggressive. I nearly found myself stumbling over the steps as I eagerly sped upward, toward the light, toward the sun, and more importantly, toward the city.

My heart was pounding like my feet against the pavement. With every passing inch, the sun burned brighter, the air grew a little colder, and the city grew a little closer, but when I found my feet against dirty cobblestone, I couldn’t keep her face from sinking with disappoint. In fact, I almost felt my eyes stinging with tears.

My eyes looked over the surroundings. Where was the massive clock tower? Where were the bright blue skies and fluffy clouds? All I could find was a dreary gray sky, a few clouds, some dirty pavement under my feet, and a lot of dilapidated buildings. Grass and plant life were sparse, but I saw a lot of dirt where grass probably once grew in abundance. Trees were few and far between as far as she could tell, and most were already barren and looked dried up. In my books, I had always read of the frequent English rains, but that perhaps seemed to be a thing of the past. London seemed to be pretty dried up by the looks of things.

I bit my bottom lip in an effort to keep the water forming behind my eyes from spilling, but I couldn’t contain it. I shook my head a little and took a shaky breath that racked my whole body. I regained poise as best I could: standing straight and yanking my shoulders back. I glanced over my shoulder and looked at Avery with bleary, tear-stung eyes. ”Hm,” I managed to chuckle, forcing a smile on my face. I blinked out a few tears and wiped my face on the sleeve of my tan cardigan as I laughed a little more audibly. ”Wow,” I commented, swallowing back my sadness, lifting my head toward the sky and the tops of buildings, looking around for a moment before looking back to Avery. ”It’s um… it’s really something, huh?” I said, laughing quietly.

“It’s a shit hole,” he replied bluntly. His voice cut through the air like a knife, but I had moved on. I didn’t want to dwell on the state of London anymore. There was so much to see, and even though what I saw was disappointing, I was going to see it. I saw a mass of people in the distance, and I moved toward them rather quickly, suddenly feeling hope and anticipation in my wake as I saw the market approach, but Avery’s hand grabbed my shoulder. “Hey, Princess,” he said sharply. He cut in front of me, obstructing my path. I stopped in my tracks and looked at him. “There are some ground rules before you go in there,” he told me with a very earnest look on my face, but I was craning my neck to try and see around him all the while. “Three rules,” Avery told me, holding up three fingers, and I just nodded.

“Yes, I can count, I see,” I interjected, speaking quickly, looking at him expectantly. I just wished he would hurry so that I could get in there.

“Okay, then,” he responded. “Shouldn’t be hard to remember for a girl like you, right? You’re pretty bright. First one: don’t speak to anyone. If someone tries to talk you, don’t answer. I’ll talk to them. Second one: we’re going back as soon as you get your shoes. Third one: stay close. Don’t fucking wander off, okay? Don’t talk, don’t wander, and don’t look at anyone weird.”

“Rules, okay. No talking, wandering, or weird looks. Got it,” I repeated quickly, spitting his rules back at him and reaffirming the knowledge with a nod. I was practically bouncing in my place as my eyes scanned the window, catching a glimpse of shelves in the store, and the idea of a new experience filled me to the brim with joy.

He stepped aside though rather reluctant. “Okay, then, Princess. Go on,” Avery told me, extending an arm toward the path. “I’m right behind you.”

Indeed he was. He followed me right up to the door and right inside, even stopping behind me when the sound of bells jingling above the door caused me to freeze with alarm. I was quickly jostled aside by a man who murmured me as he passed. I grinned sheepishly in response. “Hmm, you’ve got some very lovely teeth, sir,” I offered with a nervous chuckle. The man turned to scowl at me, revealing that he in fact had very few teeth left at all, and all I could do was turn away, eyes wide like a deer caught in headlights.

Now seemed like as good a time as ever to move, even if I had no idea where I was going. Just getting away from the scary man with no teeth seemed like a good idea. I glanced nervously over my shoulder to make sure Avery was still there, which he was. He was still following me closely, eyes watching the others discreetly but vigilantly. I wandered for a moment until I realized how massive the inside of the store actually was. I felt rather overwhelmed all of a sudden, and I turned to Avery, nearly knocking over a few boxes of cereal on the shelf beside me. “I… I don’t know where anything is in here,” I admitted aloud. “I’m rather lost,” I announced, to which multiple people lurking the store seemed to take note of as they all turned their heads toward me, staring with a frightening sort of hunger, almost like a pack of wolves circling prey, and I was horrified.

Avery shot glares to the surrounding shoppers before draping an arm over my shoulders. He pulled me close and steered me away from them, which I rather liked because they were really starting to scare me. “You’re not lost,” he whispered so that only I could hear him. “You are never lost.” I found that advice to be rather unhelpful, as I was most certainly lost this very moment, but the more people I saw staring at me, the more I realized what he meant. I had alerted the crowd that I was an easy target, which was apparently a very bad thing to do. He pulled me down another aisle, one far less crowded to my relief. My eyes wandered until they came across the pile of shoes Avery soon pointed to do. “Here,” he said, smiling a little, finally letting go of me but staying a half-step behind me. “Pick something out.”

“Okay,” I replied quietly with my usual, sweet smile. My eyes perused the shoes, but I soon crouched down as I would need to get much better look. I didn’t find much variety, just boots or sneakers. The sneakers seemed to come in white and gray, and the boots came in brown or black. I considered the options for a moment, and I could hear voices over my shoulders.

“She yours?” asked a stranger, a voice I didn’t recognize, but I paid him no mind as I took a pair of sneakers in my hands. They didn’t seem to be worth any sort of money. They were already beat up, and the colors were faded. The laces looked fine, but my fingers rubbed the cheap, inconsistent fibers, and I didn’t think they would last more than a few days before they frayed. I slipped a few fingers inside to press against the sole, which felt flimsy. That simply wouldn’t do. I needed the proper support. I knew how important it was to have good shoes; my anatomy books had told me enough about the dangers of flimsy soles. The voices continued by me as I tossed them back and picked up the boots.

“Fuck off,” Avery mumbled without amusement.

I slid my fingers over the surface of the boots, which seemed to be a decent fake leather. The bottoms were a thick rubber, engraved with a pattern probably used for grip and traction. The laces were thin but coarse, study, and fastened with small, metal aglets. I looked at my feet and compared them to the size of the shoe. It seemed that maybe they would fit, and I decided that boots were the obvious choice, but the voice of the stranger rang out again.

“Mate, that didn’t answer my question. Why don’t she have shoes? Maybe I should ask her.” There was a brief pause, but I was busy admiring my shoes. “Hey, sweetheart—“ my head whirred around in the direction of the stranger: a shady look man missing a few teeth, eyes rung red, hair missing in patches. He was clearly dirty, and I could smell the mixture of blood and sweat radiating from his pores. “You his?” he asked, motioning to Avery. “Cause if you ain’t, sweetheart, well, we could work out somethin’ nice.” He grinned, and I could see darkness through the holes in his smiles. I grimaced a little and hugged the boots in my chest when I finally stood up.

“I um…” I muttered shyly. Had I been alone, perhaps I would have felt inclined to converse, but Avery didn’t approach this man all too kindly, and I assumed he wouldn’t do so without reason. I chewed my bottom lip for a moment. Rather than providing a straight answer, I defaulted to my usual sarcasm. I held tightly to the boots, shrinking back like a turtle withdrawing into it’s shell. I turned my head down and stepped behind Avery, hoping his presence might deter the stranger. “I don’t what you’re referring to, but I’d find it rather kind of you to leave me now, sir,” I responded with bitter sarcasm, audible but lacking confidence or spine. I brushed some hair behind my hair and only glanced up to the man, who wasn’t pleased with the comment.

“Princess—“ Avery murmured a warning, not even glancing over his shoulder to me.

“Princess, huh?” the stranger smiled wickedly, unafraid and unconcerned. He craned his neck to see me from over Avery’s shoulder, but Avery mirrored his movements, shifting to block his view. “That your name, huh, sweetheart?” My eyes caught Avery’s hands drop into his pockets. The stranger was still talking, still sneering at me, and all I wanted was for him to go away. “Why don’t you come with me, Princess? I promise, I’m more fun than this fucker—” The man pressed forward as thought Avery wasn’t there, but Avery shoved him backward, sending the man shuffling a few feet. He grappled with the nearest shelf to stay on his feet, but he wasn’t happy. He suddenly flew forward, hurling his entire body and all of his weight toward Avery.

I felt my eyelids expanding, opening wide as though someone had glued them back there. What in the world was going on? Had I just caused a fight? My chest tightened, and I merely moved my right hand to cover my mouth as I watched the man hit Avery. A tiny squeak escaped my mouth, though my hand muffled it. I jumped, startled, as Avery hit the man back with a brass-clad fist, leaving him lifeless on the floor. I stared in utter shock, fearing the stranger was dead. My knees wobbled, and I felt sick to my stomach. My eyes darted around to catch the staring, but not one person seemed shocked. Was this barbaric display normal? I felt dizzy, even light-headed. I blinked a few times and took a deep breath as Avery kicked the man’s body aside.

“Time to go,” he told me, more commanded me, but his words got a bit jumbled up in my brain and sounded like nothing more than incoherent babbling once they drifted through my ears. He shoved me forward lightly, and my legs took momentum. Just like that, we were running. I didn’t quite know where, but I would keep running as long as Avery did, even though my chest struggled for air.