Fear Itself

It was late in November when I learned that my cat was truly psychic. I had my suspicions before that Ralph held otherworldly powers, but today had confirmed it. I knew it was strange that it always rained whenever Ralph was upset, and it seemed that Ralph could read my mind. Whenever I stood up, wanting to feed him, he immediately rushed for his food bowl like he knew. My cat had a sixth sense, and today, when I accidentally knocked my calendar off the wall, Ralph went to put it to good use. He stuck his paw adamantly in one of the squares and meowed. I pulled myself up off my bed and stared at him. “What?” I asked. Ralph touched the square with his paw again and mewed. At seven o’clock in the morning, I was still a little bleary-eyed and confused. I was really just waiting for my father to go to work so that I could leave, but I had no idea that my cat was going to throw me for a loop today.

I stepped across the carpet and peered over the kitten. His paw was stuck on today’s date. “Huh?” I asked, looking at the kitten. “Ralph, I don’t understand.” He mewed again, and I looked back to the box. I folded my arms over my chest and considered perhaps what the cat was trying to tell me by prancing about my calendar so excitedly. “Is today important?” I inquired, eyebrows raised as I tried in vain to whittle down the options in my brain. Ralph mewed and removed his paw, moving to rub himself against my leg, something I took as a yes. “Okay,” I muttered to myself, staring back down at the calendar.

Humming, I continued to think of all the possibilities, sorting through what seemed more likely and what was just some outlandish idea. “Is it some kind of obscure holiday?” I inquired, looking down to the kitten. His ears pointed forward, and his tail began to wag in rigid, rhythmic motions. I took a step back from him. “Right, got it, that was wrong, okay,” I sighed. “Um, I don’t know… is it a birthday? That’s the only other thing I can think of Ralph,” I confessed, shoulders dropping with defeat until Ralph’s ears returned to normal, and he looked up at me, meowing.

“Your birthday?” I asked with eyebrows raised. Ralph’s teeth grabbed onto my bootlace and tugged for a moment. “Is that… a no?” I blinked and looked down at him, watching him as he moved to dance around my shoes. “I’m not understanding.” Ralph swatted his paw at the tip of my shoes. “Hey!” I exclaimed. “Watch it! Mumbles gave me these—“ I stopped dead. “Oh my goodness,” I murmured. “It’s Mumbles, isn’t it?!” I exclaimed, to which Ralph responded with a meow as he leapt back onto my bed.

“Oh, this is all kinds of exciting!” I mused enthusiastically. I heard footsteps shuffling from down the hall.

“Tali?” my father called. “Who are you talking to?”

“Just the cat, Daddy!” I shouted back, currently showering the kitten with all kinds of praise and affection. “Have a good day at work!” I heard my father mumbling something, but I was back to praising Ralph. “What a smart little kitty!” I cooed, kissing the top of his silver head as I heard my father’s car start in the driveway.

I was already dressed, and I would grab some food on the way out, but what was really important was that I needed to get Avery something for his birthday. Except I didn’t have any money… but my dad did. Off I went with Ralph and my trusty bobby pin, there to unlock the door to my father’s bedroom (I don’t know why he still bothered locking anything; I just broke in anyway). Some rummaging was done until I came across a drawer that contained a few folded bills. It was probably about a hundred dollars upon a brief glance, but I wasn’t concerned. I stuffed it in pocket and off I went.

In a few hours, I was carting around a cake and a small box wrapped up in pretty blue paper with a gold bow on the top. I was more than pleased with my choice, and I had even stopped to get myself a bracelet. It was a small, silver circle strung on black leather cord. The circle was engraved to say “Princess” on one side and was left blank on the other. I was very fond of it, so I had worn it as soon as I left the store.

I knew I had been late to meet Avery at the woods like usual. He probably left, reasoning that I either wasn’t coming today or perhaps my father called in sick, preventing me from leaving the house. That was fine, as long as he wasn’t still waiting around for me. Part of me wanted to check, but I knew that if I did that, he would see me, and he would see me carrying the cake I had bought him, and that would just ruin the surprise. Rather than doing that, I somehow managed to balance the cake box in one arm and use the other to help climb down the ladder of a manhole left open during road construction on the far side of town. I followed my usual path, seeing the faded outline of chalk I had made nearly two months ago as Ralph rustled around in my backpack restlessly.

Strolling through the sewer, into the tunnels, and eventually into the base itself, I waved and greeted everyone I walked by, at least the people I recognized… well, and the ones that I didn’t either. New faces were always coming in and out of the tunnels. Sam mentioned that some recruits lived down there, like Harley and her squad. Others, like Alex and Dean, had apartments and just happened to spend a lot of time here. They also had people who only came in as needed, like a female anthropologist named Colette Deschamps, or the famed geneticist, Leonard Larson. They also had some informants outside, some even on the Board, but in order to protect their identities, he told me he couldn’t name them. Everyone seemed lovely, though. At least except Alex and his eyebrows. They were still terrible.

I didn’t stay to chat, even when I passed Harley or when I walked by Sam’s office. I headed straight to my room so I could wish my beloved roommate a happy birthday. Luckily, he was inside. He wasn’t doing anything. He was quiet, even as I walked in. He glanced up and watched in silence. That was normal. I was usually the first one to say hello, anyway. “So, Mumbles,” I chirped in singsong, swaying a little as I placed the cake box on my bed, so I could finally let Ralph out of my backpack.

“Princess,” I heard him grumble, acknowledging me from his perch on his cot. He was still watching me, just sitting there while I hummed to myself and rocked back and forth on my heels. I opened the white box to reveal the cake, and I folded the sides out, just like the nice lady in the pink apron had shown me how to do. There were a few candles scattered around the white frosted cake. It was a little plain, but it would do. It wasn’t fancy like the ones my dad made me for my birthday that were always frosted in my favorite color. I didn’t know what Avery’s favorite color was or what kind of cake he liked, so I had just gone with half-chocolate, half-vanilla.

“Ralph told me that today was your birthday,” I told him nonchalantly as I admired the cake in front of me, though I stood in front of it, blocking Avery’s view. “Was he right? Is today your birthday?”

There was a long pause, a very long pause, before Avery mumbled, “Yeah.”

“Great!” I exclaimed, clapping my hands together a little. I took the cake box in my hands carefully, trying to hold tight and not drop it because that would have just been a waste, and what an awful birthday it would be without a cake. With a wide smile, I turned to him and walked over, setting the cake beside him on the cot. Ralph jumped up as well, immediately sitting on Avery’s lap. Avery looked at me as what I told him sunk in, then he stared at Ralph in disbelief. Ralph immediately began to purr, stretched across Avery’s legs, and I smiled. “So, Mumbles, got a light?” I asked. “I know you do, I’ve seen it. Can I use it?”

“Uh, sure,” Avery said, reaching into his pocket and handing me a small, silver lighter. I looked at it for a moment and tried to remember how Avery had used it before. “D’you know how to work that, Princess?”

“Yes,” I huffed, fumbling with the thing until finally, my finger struck it just right, creating a flame. “A-ha!” I exclaimed. “Told you, Mumbles. I know what I’m doing.” I lit the couple of candles scattered around it with a smile. “I don’t know how old you are, so there’s a rather pathetic number of candles on this. I don’t think you’re old. At least you don’t look it,” I told him, glancing up to look at his face. I nodded. “Yeah,” I confirmed before extending a hand to gently pat his left cheek twice. “You’ve got a nice face, Mumbles. Just thought you should know.” He didn’t look like he was following, so I blew the flame from the lighter out and closed it.

“What’s with the cake?” he muttered with inquiry. I tilted my head to the side when he asked me that, considering what in the world would prompt such a question. I didn’t know, but it felt rude to ask, and I knew how much I hated it when I asked questions and my father didn’t answer them, so I just gave him a smile.

“Well,” I began, licking my lips a little. “Generally, people bake cakes when they’re celebrating something. I mean, this is from a store because I’m a terrible cook, and I just burn everything, so I thought maybe you’d like a cake that didn’t taste like the aftermath of nuclear war.” I grinned, chuckling softly. “And I mean… my father bakes me a cake every birthday, except mine usually has pink or lilac frosting because those are my favorite colors… but I don’t know what your favorite color is, so I had to go with white,” I explained with a small frown. “But birthdays are really special because… you know, it’s the day you were born!” I told him with an excited smile. “So, today I brought you a cake because we’re going to celebrate you.”

He just watched me, but it wasn’t in a bad way. It was in a shocked way, like he hadn’t expected this, like maybe nobody had ever made this grand of a gesture for him, and there was a pang of pity resounding in my heart for him. I thought I was lonely, and I still had birthday celebrations every year. For him to not understand why I had brought him a cake must have meant he was awfully lonely. It seemed to me like perhaps Avery and I were not as different as I had been led to think.

I offered him a small smile and stepped aside a bit. I gently pushed the cake toward him, a grin widening on my face. “Well, Mumbles, I suppose it’s time for you to make a wish.” His eyes drifted toward the candles. “Now, blow the candles out before I have to light them again,” I joked. “And don’t tell me what you wish for, or else it won’t come true!”

A few moments passed, and I watched him carefully, just as he was watching the flickering candles on his cake. Wax began to melt off in tiny drops and stain the white frosting in blue, green, and yellow spots. After an inhale, Avery finally directed a gust of air at the candles, blowing them all out. I laughed and clapped, bouncing a little. “Yay!” I giggled. “You like chocolate, right? I got one that has chocolate and vanilla because I didn’t know… but I figure since you ate chocolate ice cream when we met that you probably like chocolate. I mean, who doesn’t?” I laughed as I looked around, suddenly searching for something to cut the cake with.

I rummaged in the pockets of my oversized cardigan, something I liked to refer to as my “Grandpa sweater,” until my hands clutched the switchblade Avery had left me what seemed like forever ago. I pressed the button, and the blade flipped open. I began to try cutting the cake as evenly as I could. “You still have that?” he murmured with subtle amusement. I only glanced up when I placed the slice on a napkin for him, and I handed him a fork. I thought I saw a tiny smile tugging at his lips, but I might have been seeing what I wanted to see.

“Yeah,” I told him, removing the remainder candles from the cake, pausing only to suck remnants of cake and icing from the end. “I always keep it on me, like you said.”

With a mouthful of cake, Avery chuckled a little. “So you had it when—“ he began to ask but stopped. “Actually, never mind.” He continued eating his cake, and I laughed.

“Very good, Mumbles,” I giggled. “You know we don’t speak of Unibrow.” I knew Alex didn’t have a unibrow, but I was really starting to run out of creative nicknames for my bushy-browed friend. “Hey,” I muttered, jumping up on the cot, careful not to crush the cake. “I always see you smoking,” I said. “Can I try? I mean, I have the lighter anyway, you might as well just let me.”

There was a brief pause as Avery chewed and swallowed. He reached into his pocket and offered me a cigarette. “Smoking’s bad for you, Princess,” he mumbled as I took it. Then, he went back to eating his cake.

I looked the thing over for a moment, inspecting it, trying to think of all the time I had seen Avery doing it, so I mimicked what I remembered. I stuck the thing in my lips and fumbled with the lighter, but I was having more difficulty this time. “Mumbles, help,” I muttered, muffled, around the cigarette. He took the lighter and lit it for me before shoving the little, silver box back into his his pocket. A pungent odor surrounded, the distinct smell of smoke, and I inhaled, perhaps a little too quickly, because I ended up sputtering out a nasty cough. Avery just laughed at me.

“You don’t inhale the first bit, Princess,” he commented, still chuckling like this was very amusing to him. I chuckled with embarrassment, trying again, doing a little better this time, letting the smoke drift in and out slowly. It was smooth, and the deeper I inhaled, the better I felt. I could see why people liked it so much, but at the same time, I wasn’t sure I understood why people got so obsessed about it. There was a momentary tingling in my body once it adapted to the feeling.

Then, the quiet came again, just like it always did, but I was starting to learn that quiet wasn’t always a bad thing, especially not with Avery. Sometimes, things were just quiet, and I found that from time to time, it was nice to have a little bit of peace and quiet… even when I wanted to do nothing but jabber about. Honestly, it was just nice to have company again, and I waited until Avery finished eating to flick my burned, used up cigarette butt to the ground and pull the small box out of my bag. The cake had been sealed back in it’s box to ward off any of the critters roaming in the base and the tunnels and left on the cot. Ralph was still sound asleep, and I was about to give Avery a present I was really hoping he would love.

“Okay, so,” I stammered, turning to face him and hiding the small box behind my back. My shoulders sank forward, and my gaze dropped to the floor. “It’s not much, I know, but I really felt like I should get you something, you know? Like, I know my dad buys me like four hundred presents, but I just… you know, I could only get you one, but I tried really hard, and I thought that maybe you would like it, so—“ I cut myself off and clutched the box in my right hand, flinging my arm out and waiting nervously for him to just take it so I could get all this anxiety over with.

It took him a moment to grab it. In fact, all he did was look at it for a moment, the same face he made when he saw the cake, but maybe worse, if that was possible. I whined a little and waved it at him, hoping he would just take the stupid box already. When he did, I let my arms drop to my sides, and I watched him as he tore the wrapping paper off of the box and then, the lid to reveal a bracelet that matched the one I had gotten myself, except his said ‘Mumbles’ on it.

I bit my bottom lip and took a deep breath. He wasn’t doing anything; he was just staring at the bracelet. Suddenly, I felt panicked. I thought I might start sweating, and I could feel my heart sinking deep in my chest. “Oh gosh,” I muttered. “I’m really sorry, Mumbles. You don’t have to act like you like it, I mean, it was kind of a long shot anyway, I guess. I just thought that maybe… I don’t know,” I rambled a bit, reaching forward to grab the box from him, but he grabbed my hand. I lifted my eyes to look at him, and all he did was shake his head.

“Don’t,” he told me. He set the box down and put the bracelet on (much to my delight, he would never take it off, either). Overjoyed that he seemed to like my gift, I launched myself at him and squeezed him tight.

“Happy birthday, Mumbles,” I muttered into the fabric of his sweatshirt, taking in the familiar scent of blood and gunpowder again. I thought I heard a soft chuckle from above me.

“Thanks, Princess,” Avery muttered. I felt one of his hands rest on my shoulder, and I smiled.

“Well, it’s a start,” I teased. “You’re about three steps away from a hug.”

But that was good enough for me, anyway.