Fear Itself

I awoke the next morning feeling empty, drained, and hungry. I hadn’t eaten the meal my father tried to give me, didn’t want it. I wanted nothing from him, yet I felt stinging regret over the fact that I had disobeyed. It wasn’t so much that I had gotten caught. I truly felt sorry… I was a disappointment to my father, and I could see it written all over his face, hear it in his tone when he spoke… and I didn’t want to think of it, so when he knocked on the door to bring me breakfast, I pretended to be asleep. I rolled on my side, back to the door when I heard it creak open. Footsteps made soft sounds against the floor. I heard a ceramic bowl clank against the glass top of my nightstand, and my father sighed.

My eyes were clenched shut, but I could feel him near me. His fingers brushed a few loose curls away from my face. “Oh, Tali,” he whispered through another sigh. He leaned over and pressed his lips to the side of my forehead. “I just wish you’d listen to me.” His words gripped my heart, left an aching throb in my chest. I wanted to roll over and tell him I was sorry. I wanted to apologize for being a bad daughter, for disrespecting him, for being shameful, but I thought if I did I might cry, so I stayed put until I heard my bedroom door lock again.

I heard him shuffling around, and I thought perhaps he probably wouldn’t come back. I sat up in bed, heaving a sigh, and I took the bowl in my hands. Using the spoon, I ate some of the cereal and milk before the regret sank into my stomach, effectively banishing my appetite. I set it back on the nightstand, and I heard the car engine start in the driveway. Then, I remembered. Avery was probably there waiting for me. I waited a few seconds until the sound of the car faded in the distance, and I took that moment to open the curtains and the window. There he was, as usual, standing at the edge of the woods, waiting. I stuck my head out and called out to him, “Mumbles!” He looked up. “I’m sorry, but I can’t go out today, so you should just go home, I think.”

An amused smirk flashed across his face. “Quit playin’ ‘round, Princess. C’mon, we’ve gotta get goin’.”

“Afraid not, Mumbles,” I told him, shaking my head. “See, I’m grounded for life, so I think this is the last we’ll be seeing of each other.”

The joking look no longer rested upon his features. “Gimme a minute,” he said after a pause, and he headed out of sight, out toward the front of the house. It only took a few moments before I heard the front door unlock with a thud. Blinking, I rushed toward my locked door and pressed an ear against the wood, trying to hear better.

“Mumbles!” I shouted. “What are you doing?”

“Bustin’ you out,” he murmured. His feet clunked against the polished wooden staircase, and I could hear him better. I could hear the lock begin to twist around, making a bunch of noises, much like when I jiggled my bobby pins around the lock of my father’s office.

“Out of where? I’m not in prison,” I retorted, a little offended now that he thought I needed to be “busted out.” I could have done it myself. If my father had left me my tools, anyway.

“Might as well be,” Avery muttered.

I scoffed, “And how would you know? Have you been there or something?”

“Yes.” The lock clicked, and sure enough, Avery pulled the door open. “Can you get your things? We need to go.”

“How long were in prison for?” I asked, not budging. I was far too interested in getting some answers now that he’d brought it up. “What were you in for?”

“Don’t worry ‘bout it,” he grumbled. “Are you gonna get ready or not?”

My eyes widened. “Did you kill someone?” I asked with intrigue. I grabbed his wrist, pulled up his sleeve my free hand and eyed the ink on his skin. “Is that why you have so many tattoos?”

He tugged his arm away from me. “Princess, get your things.”

“Okay,” I sighed, turning away from him and heading for my closet. “I’m friends with a criminal,” I squealed under my breath, giggling with excitement. “How fun.” I shoved through my clothes, looking for something to wear. Once I found a suitable dress, I took the hanger in my hands, but I remembered I had company. “Turn around, Mumbles,” I huffed. “I have to change.”

He did so immediately, almost scary fast. In fact, he walked out into the hallway and leaned against the door frame his back to me. “Way ahead of you, Princess,” he grumbled.

I tugged my olive green lace dress on, trying to hurry as I pulled up a pair of grey wool stockings. I laced up the only pair of boots I owned, threw on a grey cardigan and a burgundy scarf. With my backpack (and the cat I shoved inside it) strapped on, I scurried out into the hall, giving Avery the brightest possible smile. “Okay, ready!” I chirped.

“Hm,” Avery hummed. “Go get your coat. It’s cold.”

“I don’t have one,” I told him with a nod.

“What?” he mumbled, a vexed look on his face.

“Don’t have a coat,” I repeated. “Dad says I don’t need one.”

Avery grumbled something, thought he might have rolled his eyes a little, or maybe I was still tired and imagining things. We left regardless, taking our usual walk, in silence. Much to my surprise, Avery broke it. That didn’t usually happen.

“You’re quiet today,” he stated. I turned my head to him for just a moment and shrugged my shoulders. “Why?”

“I’m sad,” I told him quietly, looking down at my feet. “I upset my father.”

“Fuck your father,” Avery grumbled. “Don’t matter what you did. Ain’t ever right to lock someone up.”

“But it was my fault—“

“Don’t matter,” he cut me off, chewing the toothpick stuck in his mouth.

“It does matter,” I contended with a slight whine in my voice. “He told me not to go up in the attic, and I did that anyway. I wasn’t supposed to leave the house, I did that… and then I gave away one of my mother’s most cherished belongings, even though I don’t even think it was hers to begin with, I just—“ I sighed. “I’m a bad daughter.”

“Hey,” he interjected, grabbing me by the shoulder and stopping. “Princess, you done nothin’ wrong. Now, you stop that.”

I gave a single laugh under my breath, and I lifted my glance to look at him. “How do you know that?” I asked quietly, still smiling a little.

“You’re a good kid,” he affirmed. “If your dad don’t see that, that’s his fault.”

“Thanks, Mumbles,” I whispered. He didn’t respond, didn’t even nod, just started walking again, and I followed close behind him.

“If you knew what’s good for you, you’d never go back there,” Avery commented.

“Mumbles, you know I can’t leave him,” I sighed. “I’m all he’s got left.”

“You stay with him, and what’s he give you in return? He locks you up and takes your books away,” Avery chuckled condescendingly. “Don’t seem like you owe him nothin’.”

I hummed a little, looking away from him for a moment. “You should understand,” I replied. “Don’t you have any family, Mumbles? People you care about?”

He just laughed. “You tryin’ to make me cry, Princess?”

“No, I just—“ I chuckled. “No.” I shook my head, and eventually we came to the edge of the canal.

“You know the rest of the way,” Avery mumbled. “Think you can handle yourself?” I shrugged, looking to him sadly. I did wish he would walk me, but he just laughed. “Go on,” he nudged me. “I’ll be back later. I’ve got business with your friend, Sam.”

He disappeared again. Nothing new. I trudged through the tunnels alone until I came to the base, and I expected it to be rather deserted as usual, but today, there was someone sitting at that table. Alerted by the sound of my feet, their head turned. “Tali!” Alex exclaimed, rising from the chair. “You’re late.”

“Oh,” I laughed, eyebrows raised. “Yes, I suppose I am.” I found it hard to be as bright and bubbly as I usually was, and he seemed to catch on. He walked toward me, eyebrows furrowed, looking at me with confusion.

“You okay, T?” he asked, eyes scanning me with concern. “Did something happen?”

“Just um… you know… Never mind.” I stammered, shaking my head. “My dad, you know.”

He just nodded in understanding. He didn’t understand. He never could, but I didn’t want to say anything, couldn’t really because he already grabbed me by the arm and tugged me in the direction of the table. The feeling of his hand made my breath catch in my throat and my heart flutter. “I think I know something that will make you feel a lot better,” he told me excitedly. He stopped me at the table and let go of me to reach into a back he had set down in one of the chairs. He pulled out a few books and set them down on the table. “You might’ve already read these, I don’t know, but I thought… I mean, these are some of my favorites works ever.” He paused to clear his throat. “If you’ve read them, we can discuss them… if not, I thought maybe you could… maybe borrow them or something.” He reached an arm back and scratched the back of his neck. I put my bag down and unzipped it, letting Ralph out so he could sleep on the table like always.

I saw the stack, looked at them, couldn’t bring myself to touch them. I could feel some sort of emotion coming up in my throat. I was fixed on them, fixed on the idea that just last night my father ripped all of my books off the shelf and took them away. Here Alex was, not even aware of the situation, letting me borrow his books. I heard him heave an exasperated, nervous sigh. “And you’re not saying anything,” he murmured, rubbing his hand over his face. “I’m sorry,” he apologized. “Is this… is this bad? Is this wrong? I can take them back.”

“No,” I said quietly, using my arm to block his hand when he reached for the books. I could feel tears stinging behind my eyelids.

“Tali, are you crying?” he inquired with genuine concern. “Did I…” he stammered. “Tali, I am so sorry. I had no idea that this was going to upset you, I swear. I never would have brought them if I’d known I just—“

“Sh,” I hushed him, putting my fingers against his lips much like I had done to Avery previously. “Thank you, Alex.” I nodded. “You have no idea how much this means to me. It’s actually… kind of ironic, I just…” I paused, sighing a laugh and smiling a little. “Please,” I told him, removing my hand from his face and taking a seat. “Explain them.”

“Oh,” he said quietly to himself before plopping down haphazardly in the chair, scooting the chair forward. “Okay, yeah, I can do that,” Alex rambled a little, spreading the books out. There were three that he had brought with him. None of them were in fabulous condition. Many looked like they had seen better days, but they were in good enough shape to read. “Well, the first I brought is Hamlet, the Shakespearean play.”

“I’m familiar,” I smiled. I had read it, but he clearly wanted to explain these to me, clearly wanted to speak to me, and I couldn’t bring myself to deny him that pleasure. “It’s my favorite work of his,” I explained. “Much better than Romeo and Juliet.”

A grin formed on his face, and he laughed. “Yes!” he exclaimed. “I never understood why that play got so much more recognition. It’s really his worst play, at least in my opinion.”

“Me too!” I laughed. “I mean, I suppose it’s not as bad as some of his others but… when it comes to his famous works, it’s definitely my least favorite. I mean, it’s supposed to be this great work of romance, but romance is so boring in Shakespeare, not mention it’s even worse in Romeo and Juliet.”

“Well, only Shakespeare’s heterosexual romances are bland and tiresome,” Alex reasoned. “The fatherly love in works like Macbeth is heart-wrenching, but his actual romances… I mean, Romeo and Juliet fall in love at first sight, and that sort of thing happens all the time in Shakespeare, and it’s never ever convincing when he writes that. It’s dreadful.”

“Shakespeare only made love interesting when cross-dressing was involved,” I joked. He laughed and fell back in his chair a little.

“Don’t forget mistaken identity!” he added with jest.

I laughed as well, laughed until my shoulders shook. The fact that I finally had somebody to discuss books with was something I was having a hard time wrapping my head around. “And they didn’t have any of that!” I exclaimed, sitting forward. “It’s just, ‘Oh, I love you more!’ and ‘No, I love you more!’ until everyone ends up dying.”

He took a deep breath to calm his laughter, placing the first book aside now. My eyes fell on the cover of the second, and I actually gasped and grabbed it before he had the chance. “Dubliners?!” I exclaimed. “I love this!” I told him, holding the book up as though he hadn’t seen it (which was ridiculous because he was the one who brought it). “I adore James Joyce! This is one of my favorite collections of short stories, seriously.”

“I think that ‘Araby’ is my favorite,” he commented.

“What? No!” I protested a little. “That one is so sad.” I pouted a little.

“Tali, they’re all sad,” he chuckled.

“Not… not all of them, I mean…” I paused, thinking. “I think ‘A Little Cloud’ isn’t so bad.”

“That story is about a man with failed literary dreams who also discovers later that night that his wife has absolutely forgotten about him in lieu of their newborn child.”

“But he has a baby!” I countered.

“You’re such a interesting girl,” he laughed. “So stubborn.” A little embarrassed by my overenthusiastic display, I set the book back down on the table, which just elicited more laughter. “This last one… this is one of the greatest works ever published, at least… I mean, I consider it such, but I’ve always loved Faulkner.” He paused. “This is called A Light in August. Have you heard of it?” I shook my head. “Well, you’re in for a real treat. I don’t want to ruin much for you, but it’s just fantastic. It was written in 1932, but it’s still so relevant.” I took the book gingerly when he offered it. “What I like most about it is the narrative style. It’s very unstructured and loose. Faulkner was one of the best at using stream of consciousness, and it really plays into the story here.”

“That sounds brilliant,” I murmured in awe. “What’s it about?”

“To make a long story short, it’s focused on a group of outcasts and misfits who were outcasted by the puritanical, prejudiced Christian society of the rural American South.” He paused. “You should really start reading it. I mean… I um, I know it’s really early, and I know I usually don’t think very straight in the morning. I could read it to you if you like.” He paused, and his eyes went wide. “I’m sorry. That’s really creepy, no. I’ll just I’ll um—“

“No, please,” I giggled, grinning like an idiot. “By all means. You’ve got a lovely voice. I’m sure listening to you read Faulkner in all his glory would be a delight.”

He looked down, laughing his under his breath and smiling shyly. “Well… if you insist, I guess.”

And he did. I listened for a good few hours, reading along with his voice, until I saw Avery came back, carrying a few bags of groceries. He trudged right past Alex and I, and the sight of him actually had Alex quiet down and stop reading. Avery delivered a swift kick to Sam’s door, grumbling until it finally opened. Sam appeared for about ten seconds to exchange money for the groceries, and Avery came right over to the table and plopped down in the chair.

“So, kids, what’s goin’ on?” he asked with mocking delight.

“Alex was reading to me,” I replied, smiling. Alex said nothing, not a word.

Avery chuckled, staring at Alex. “Ain’t that sweet?” Alex looked straight at the floor. “Princess, I think it’s time to go.”

“But Mumbles,” I protested. “It’s only four!”

“Well, you don’t wanna stay here, and I’ve got things to do at five-thirty, so you can either stay here or leave now.”

“I could always walk you home,” Alex explained quietly.

“Yeah,” Avery laugh, but soon, his face fell deadpan. “No, that’s not happenin’. C’mon, Princess.”

I sighed and frowned a little, looking at Alex. “Will I see you tomorrow?”

“I’ve got work,” Alex confessed. “Probably not.” I was devastated. My face twisted with disappointment, but he laughed. “Okay, I’ll um… I’ll try come in on my break.”

“Yay!” I squealed, grinning.

“Seriously, Princess, as cute as this is, we gotta go,” Avery grumbled.

I put a hand on the book in Alex’s hand. “Do you mind if I take this?” I asked.

“By all means,” he told me with a smile, handing it over. I tucked it in my bag, and Ralph followed begrudgingly. I tossed the thing on my back.

“Thanks again, Alex,” I chirped. Avery had already started walking away, and I rushed off after him.

Just before I passed out of earshot, I thought I heard Alex sigh and whisper, “Bye, bye, Tali.”