Fear Itself

I didn’t sleep that night; I didn’t bother, but I pretended so that Avery wouldn’t worry about me. I laid with my head facing the cement wall of the base and my cat snuggled up next to me, purring away. How could I find sleep with my mind racing the way it did? I hated my father, yet I didn’t know where my anger truly lied: with my deceptive father or the supposed deception he had accused Dean of. I didn’t know who to believe, didn’t know who was being genuine. While my father liked to exert control, I had never known him to be wrong. On the other hand, I truly wanted to believe that Dean shared my feelings, but we had only been close for a few days now. I couldn’t quell my nausea; I couldn’t help but feel like maybe I had made a mistake.

Morning rolled around soon enough. I heard Avery shuffling around, probably leaving, probably didn’t want to disturb me, even though I wasn’t sleeping at all. He left just moments later. Now alone, I sat up in bed, still wearing my clothes from last night because it had recently dawned on me that it was too cold down here to bother wearing pajamas. I rolled out of my blanket and set my feet on the floor. Quickly, I rushed to change, not because I was worried about Avery coming in, just because it was so frigid down here. I pulled on a pair of white jeans and a navy blue sweater with a large, white anchor splayed across it in a diagonal fashion. Deciding I was still cold, I pulled a white cardigan on as well. It didn’t do much.

Just as I was crouched over, tying the laces on my second shoe, the door creaked open. “You’re awake,” Avery mumbled, barely popping his head in. I rose to my feet and nodded. “C’mon,” he called to me. “Got somethin’ to show you.”

“What is it?” I asked, raising my eyebrows, suddenly feeling a little hopeful. Not very, but a little.

He huffed a laugh. “I ain’t gonna tell you,” he chuckled. “That’s why you’re comin’ with me.”

A tiny smile slipped onto my face, then cracked into a faint grin. He began to exit, and I trailed after him, feeling the skip return to my step as we continued down the tunnels and toward the exit. I saw the familiar off-shoot where the staircase was, and I wondered what was waiting up there, what Avery wanted so badly to show me. He let me up first, as usual, and the higher I walked, the colder I was. I was practically shivering, and bits of frost stung my face, but it wasn’t until we came to the top of the stairs, right in the canal that I saw it: snow.

I stood on that last step for a moment, staring. Snow continued to fall around us, and Avery now stood at my side, hands shoved in the pockets of his coat. He was watching me, waiting for to do something, say something. All I could do was stare. Here I was in front of something I had waited eighteen years to see, and it was terrifying. An elbow gently nudged my side. “Go on,” Avery encouraged, nodding his head toward the white blanketed ground surrounding us.

Reluctantly, I stepped up onto the canal, and once I saw the white falling around my black boots, I was overcome. I dropped to my knees right there, scooping up fistfuls of snow in my heads and smiling wider than ever. I tilted my hands and watched it fall back among the piles, then promptly flopped over, laying in the cold, not even caring that it was cold, and the grin never left my face. An excited squeal sounded from my throat. “It’s everything I thought it would be!” I gushed.

I heard Avery laughing from the staircase. I loved hearing Avery laugh, maybe because it was such a rare phenomenon. “Mumbles!” I shouted, sitting up. “Come play!” He scoffed at me.

“No thanks,” he said. “I’m fine over ‘ere.”

“Suit yourself!” I huffed, sitting in the snow still, beaming. I picked some up in my hands, and I considered it. It was just frozen water. Under that logic, it probably tasted like ice, didn’t it? I pondered this before taking a bite out of the snow in my hand, but just as quickly, Avery knocked it away. “Hey,” I whined, pouting.

“Do you know ‘ow dirty that is?” he asked incredulously. I just gave him another huff, and he looked at me, quirking an eyebrow. “Okay, Princess. Maybe that’s enough for now.”

“Mumbles, no!” I protested, absolutely distraught.

“Princess, you’re gonna get sick if you stay out ‘ere,” he explained. “You can come back later.”

I heaved a sigh and nodded; I let him help me back to my feet and take me back to the tunnels, where it may have actually been colder, or maybe that was just the snow melting in the fabric of my clothes. People were gathered around the table, chattering; I saw Sam, Alex, and sitting down was Dean, I thought. Maybe. Wasn’t totally sure, couldn’t totally see past Alex’s coif of unruly hair. “Guys, it’s snowing!” I exclaimed, teeth chattering, and all three heads turned to see me, red in the face, shivering cold, covered in bits of snow and ice.

“I… see that,” Alex said slowly, eyes a little wide at my state. Dean snorted.

“Blondie, you’ve got ice in your hair,” he pointed out.

“I know!” I squealed. “Fantastic, isn’t it?!” I paused. “But it’s so bloody cold,” I said hurriedly as I walked over and sat down right on Dean’s lap, curling up on him. I shot a narrowed gaze to Sam and Alex, both of whom were staring at us rather judgmentally, and I huffed, “What? He’s warm.” Dean slid one arm around my waist.

“You’re freezing,” he laughed.

“No shit,” Alex scoffed. “She was just laying out in the snow.”

“Eyebrows, no one asked you,” Dean retorted.

Smiling softly, I kissed Dean’s cheek, then rested my head on his shoulder. “How are you?” I asked him quietly. I could almost hear Alex rolling his eyes.

“Great,” he told me, turning his head to me with smile. “How are you?”

I didn’t know. When I looked at him, suddenly everything came rushing back: the pain, the guilt, the anger. I could feel my smile fading a little. I wanted to ask him… but not in front of Alex and Sam, so I just shrugged my shoulders a little. “I’m okay. Just cold.”

Sam turned his head to me, looking me over for a moment until his eyes widened. “Tali,” he stammered. “That hickey is the size of a golf ball!”

“I know,” Dean told him with a wide, smug smile.

“That’s disgusting,” Alex commented in disgust, folding his arms over his chest.

“Problem, Eyebrows?” Dean asked. “Something you’d like to share with the group?” Alex rolled his eyes and walked away, and Dean turned his attention back to me. “So, Blondie, I was thinking that… I mean, it’s pretty cold out. Maybe you should spend the night at my place, and we could throw these wet clothes in a dryer.” I lifted my head, forcing a smile for him and nodded. He craned his neck up and gave me a peck on the lips. “Fantastic, Blondie.”

“Great,” I said, still smiling softly. “I’ll just have to go get my bag, then—“ He shook his head at me.

“You’ll just end up wearing my clothes, anyway,” he joked quietly, inaudibly. Even Sam, right next to us, didn’t hear him, and I couldn’t fight the breathy laugh in my throat.

“Okay,” I agreed softly as I slid off his lap, letting him stand. Just behind him, I saw Avery sitting up against a wall, not looking in our direction. “Mumbles, I’m spending the night at Dean’s,” I called to him. He just looked up and gave me an understanding nod. He knew. I knew. Yet I was still going through with this.

Before we left the tunnels, Dean gave me his coat, assuring me that he was “never cold.” With one hand on my waist and the other stuffed in his pocket, he took me home, and I was wondering the whole way if I should have gone in the first place.