Fear Itself

“Dean, I don’t know if we should be up here!” I rambled nervously. “What if I fall off? There’s no way this is safe!” No. Standing on a roof top was not safe, but we never did anything ‘safe’ to begin with, so I don’t know why I was so worried. Dean held onto me tightly with one arm, keeping a box of fireworks in the other.

“Blondie,” he laughed. “You’re going to be fine. Just yesterday, we blew up a building. You’ll be fine.”

Once in the center, we both sat, and he placed the box beside us. “Muscles, why do we have to wait until midnight? Can’t we be rebellious and set them off early?” I asked with a sigh.

“No,” Dean sputtered through a laugh. “This is one of the only times I can’t condone blowing things up ahead of schedule. You have to do it at midnight, Tali.”

“But why?” I agonized, and he just laughed.

“Because you’re supposed to usher in the new year with a bang,” he told me before he kissed my forehead. “But you’ve never done this before. I can understand the excitement.”

“But, Muscles,” I whined. “That’s so far away.”

“What are you talking about?” he laughed. “We’ve got like ten minutes.” Dean looped his arm around my shoulders and sighed quietly, resting his head against mine.

“What?” I asked.

“Nothing,” he told me quietly. “Nothing at all.” Another few moments passed that we stayed there, just staring out into the night, taking in how calm everything was. Even though League Tower had collapsed, people were celebrating. There was something beautiful about that, I thought. At 11:55 PM, Dean’s watch beeped, and he shifted to start setting up the first firework. Eager, I shifted and sat up to watch him. He took the torch in his hand, and he looked up at me, grinning. “Just another a minute, Blondie,” he told me. I nodded, and I waited patiently. “Cover your ears. It’s loud.” I put my hands over my ears as instructed, and the second his watch beeped, he set the lit torch to the fuse and backed up, dragging me with him. I watch in utter awe as it sped off across the sky, leaving a long trail of smoke in it’s wake until it disappeared for just a moment, but it came back even bigger, exploding with a pop and sending colors out among the stars.

Others followed soon after, and I realized that we weren’t the only ones doing this, but that didn’t matter. It was still so beautiful that a laugh escaped my throat, and my eyes stayed stuck on the sky, waiting for more explosions and bursts of dazzling colors. I barely noticed Dean had moved, and soon, he was handing me a firework. He placed it in my hand and said, “Here.” I looked up at him. “Wanna try the next one?” he asked. I didn’t even have words. I just nodded quite eagerly. He laughed, “Alright.” We both crouched down to steady the thing, and once I had it, he handed me the torch and covered my ears for me. I lit the fuse, and he tugged me back once again just before it sped off and away from us with a whizzing, squeaking sound.

I jumped a little, and he put his arm around me, pulling me against his chest. “Don’t be scared,” he chuckled, rubbing my back, but I looked up at him and shook my head.

“I’m not,” I told him. “Never am with you.” He leaned down and kissed my forehead, but he left his head there for a bit and just held me. Everything felt okay, then. Even though we were standing on a rooftop. Even though I was terrified of falling off. Even though fireworks were exploding all around us. It was all alright.

“Blondie,” he murmured. I could feel his lips brush against my forehead.

“Yeah, Muscles?” I asked quietly, glancing up at him, though I couldn’t see most of his face.

“Everything’s okay when I’m with you,” he confessed quietly. “I know that sounds strange, but it’s true. Any other time, I’m usually stressed, or I’m worried about doing something, and if I’m not doing something, I’m stressed that I’ve probably forgotten to do something, but…” He paused and sighed. “I don’t feel any of that when you’re here.”

“I’m glad,” I told him softly, just squeezing him a little tighter.

“No, seriously,” he continued. “Blondie, I mean it. I haven’t laid down and relaxed in years, at least until you threw yourself in my bed that night, and just… doing nothing is a feeling I forgot a long time ago. I didn’t think I would ever feel so content just laying there and watching television, but when I woke up that morning, and I saw you sleeping on me, I couldn’t think of getting up and being productive. I couldn’t think of doing anything. I just wanted to stay there with you, even if you were just lying there asleep the whole time.”

“Muscles,” I told him softly, reaching up and softly running my fingers across his cheek. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Please don’t,” he said and held me tighter, so I just shook my head gently.

“I’m not,” I assured him. “I’m never going to leave you.” I shifted, moving a little and cupping his face in my hands. I rose up on my toes a little to kiss him. “I promise,” I told him earnestly, smiling gently and running a hand through his hair. “Okay?” I asked, and he nodded. “Good,” I laughed softly. “What d’you say we get back to that box of fireworks, then, love?” I asked, and my smile widened. “Don’t you worry.”

So, we set another one up, but conversation didn’t resume right away. It didn’t have to because everything was okay regardless. We watched them and laughed, and even though I had seen fireworks countless times before, something was different. When I watched them with Avery, I had been so excited, but I didn’t feel nearly as complete. Right now felt like I had finally filled a void I had been trying to fill for weeks now, a void that I tried to fill my entire life with nonsense like literature and music and childish paintings. I tried to fill it with a kitten, with people-watching, couldn’t even fill it with my aunt or with Mumbles because they couldn’t truly understand. They couldn’t truly understand how awful it felt to feel so lonely but keep a smile plastered on my face because people needed me to do it, because I couldn’t upset my father, because I needed to be happy so that the people I cared about were happy too. But Dean did. Dean knew all about that.

I was sure he knew exactly how it felt. He was familiar with that dreadful ache I felt in my chest sometimes, how awful it was to sit there and smile when all I wanted to do was breakdown and cry. Trying to be strong for a world of people who weren’t wasn’t an easy task, and it wasn’t a burden many would ever know in this world, but it was my cross to bear. Our cross to bear. Somehow, having somebody that did the same by side made everything just a little bit easier.

We continued setting them off until we exhausted our supply. Even then, we stood there, side by side, watching colors burst in the distance. I took his hand in mine, lacing our fingers together and squeezing gently. “You know, I used to stay up all night when I was a little girl just to watch this,” I told him. He looked down at me, and I sighed quietly and rested my head on his shoulder. “I never thought I’d get the chance to see them up close and personal, at least until a few months ago, and now, I’m sitting here… setting them off on your roof.” I paused and shook my head, watching as more rockets burst in the sky. “I just never thought I would get to do this.”

I glanced up at him, smiled, and gave him a breathy laugh. “And you, I mean—“ I had to pause to laugh. “I didn’t think… I just…” I could feel my eyes starting to well up. I couldn’t stop them, so I quickly let go of his hand and covered my faces as they spilled. “I didn’t think I’d get to do any of this,” I sputtered just as he took me back in his arms and hushed me.

“Sh,” he whispered, running a hand through my hair. “You don’t need to say anything.” Still, I sobbed into his shirt.

“I’m so glad I met you,” I cried. “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me, Dean.” I stayed there in his arms, shaking, even as he rubbed my back.

“It’s okay,” he said softly, hushing me again. “It’s okay.” He kissed the top of my head. “Let’s get you inside, alright?” I nodded.

“Okay,” I sobbed softly against his shirt. So, we went inside, and we curled up on the couch together, under a blanket with the television on, but neither of us were watching. After a bit, Dean shifted and laid down, sprawling his legs over the length of the sofa.

“What are you doing?” I laughed, squirming and trying not to sit on him and make him uncomfortable.

“Come here,” he said, reaching an arm for me, and he pulled me down so that I was laying on top of him with my head comfortably against his chest where I could hear his heartbeat. “You comfortable?” he asked, and I nodded. “Good,” Dean said, reaching for the blanket and pulling it back over us so I would be warm, even though I knew he never got cold. I felt his arms wrap around my center in a loose hug, and his eyes closed, chin tilted to meet my forehead. We fell asleep like that. Safe.