Fear Itself

I woke up again the next night too, but I wasn’t sure if I had even fallen asleep to begin with. I might have just been trying to make myself feel better, considering my sleeping patterns had been horrendous lately, which I’m sure was just contributing to my awful mood and the numbness in my brain.

I didn’t go for a walk tonight. I stayed there with Dean, who was sleeping, just like last night. I was snuggled up to him, just where I liked it, just where I felt safe, warm in his arms, tucked away from the world and the nightmares that waited for me in sleep. But when I was awake, I had Dean. I was safe. He was safe. All I had to do at night was move close and listen for his heartbeat, listen to his breath, and I knew he was still there. He wasn’t going anywhere. He promised.

His patience was resilient, something I didn’t even know he had. It was probably something nobody would believe he had, even if I told them, but he was trying. He was so calm, and patient, and tolerant, but here I was, pushing and fighting against him with everything I had, and I didn’t even know why. I did my best not to be unkind, but it was hard. It was hard feeling like I did and trying to be around people, even though Dean was really the only one I wanted to see. Maybe that wasn’t it. Maybe it was because Dean was the only one I could see. I couldn’t go outside to see my friends, not even Mumbles.

Was I defaulting back to rebellious behavior because I felt trapped?

I watched him while he slept again, wondering if I should wake him up. I thought I felt the jitters coming back on, thought I felt the trembling sinking deep into my finger tips. There wasn’t even a reason for me to be nervous right now. Why was I shaking? I wanted him to calm me down like he always did, but I still didn’t want to wake him up. I knew he said he didn’t mind, but that wasn’t fair to him, so I shifted a little and pressed closer, trying to stop it myself, but it wasn’t really working.

I tried to take deep breaths, tried to stop the shivers, but it didn’t help. My head tilted a little to look up at him, take in his face, how perfect everything looked. Even in sleep, he was beginning to look tired. He was giving me everything he had. A slight frown curled my lips downward, and I only glanced up briefly before I put my hand on his chest and shook him a little. “Muscles,” I murmured. “Muscles, wake up, please.”

He stirred, took a breath, and his eyes fluttered open. I was always so happy when I got that first glimpse of blue, that flicker of happiness and contentment that shone through when he first looked at me. “What’s wrong, Blondie?” he asked in a wearied voice. “Are you okay?” He shifted the arm that was already around me and tugged me a little closer to him. I glanced up and smiled.

“Yeah, I’m okay,” I told him with a whisper. The index finger of my left hand traced tiny circles on his bare chest. I wasn’t trembling anymore. “Muscles, I just… I wanted to say I was sorry,” I added. He lifted his head for a moment and looked at me with furrowed brows. “I just… I know you’ve been trying really hard,” I explained. “And I’ve just… I’ve been kind of a pain.”

He shook his head. “Don’t say that,” he told me. “That’s not true.”

“You can leave if you want,” I blurted out. “I know that you promised you wouldn’t, but it’s okay if you do. I understand.” I didn’t say it, but I would’ve left me too if I was him.

“Blondie, I don’t want to leave you,” Dean assured me, laying a hand on the side of my face and stroking my cheek gently with his thumb.

“But Dean, everything’s been such a mess,” I sighed quietly, looking away for just a moment.

“Yeah, it’s not perfect,” he told me. “Maybe it’s not ideal, but that’s life. Something bad happened to you, and we’re getting through it.” A softly smile crept onto my face, and I leaned down to kiss him.

“I love you, Muscles,” I whispered.

And he whispered back, “I love you too, Blondie.”

This time, when I settled back against him, I fell right to sleep. I think he did too. Just as I was drifting off, I promised myself I was going to try harder to get better. Not just for myself, but for Dean too.