Fear Itself

Just as my mother predicted, the letter brought me to tears. Tiny little dots stained the paper as I sputtered out tiny, muffled cries. I regretted that I never got to know this woman. I regretted that I never got to go to school like she wanted, and I never lived the life she wanted me to have. I allowed my fear to cripple me more than once. Here was the woman trying so hard to change the world, fighting so that the people she loved could live in a better world, and I spent half my time with the Brotherhood not even knowing what I was fighting for.

I looked at Avery and tried to say something, but it just came out as a raspy, little squeak. When he glanced to me, moisture on his cheeks caught the flicker of the light on the desk, and we both just nodded at each other. “Here,” I murmured, and I handed him my letter. He handed me his as well.

Dear Avery,

I know we’ve only met just a few times, but the impact you have had on my life has been so profound. Four years ago, you entered my life, or rather, I entered your flat absolutely by mistake, and I met one of the brightest little boys and one of the best friends anyone could ever ask to have. I was lucky to know you; anyone would have been. Four years ago, we became best friends. For four years, I got to enjoy your company and teach you all I knew and learn things from you I never thought I could, like how a beautiful the world can look from a child’s eyes, like how the simple things are worth enjoying sometimes. Those four years simultaneously feel like four minutes and four centuries.

It’s going to be hard. I know it’s going to be hard on everyone, especially you. I’m sorry that I can’t see you anymore. I’m sorry Lawrence was a coward. I’m sorry Landon ran. I’m sorry that your heroes let you down, but the fog and numbness you’re feeling right now are going to fade. For a while, all you’ll feel is pure loneliness, but that will leave in time. It’s going to feel awful for a while. It’s going to feel like you’re being swallowed up by a black hole. This is what loss feels like.

But try to be kind to yourself. Remember that joy balances pain.

Take a day off from school if you need to. Maybe two. I would be okay with that. But continue learning. Learn as much as you can. Read every day. Read everything you can get your hands on, and I promise that you will learn all the secrets and wonders of the world. You will know the human experience. If you can know literature, you will never feel alone. Literature is there to tell us that we aren’t. So read. I promise you, you will feel better. Knowledge is power; it is the key to making a better life for yourself. You deserve more than West London, Avery. You deserve the whole world, and you can have it. You just need to learn.

There’s so much I wanted to do for you. I should have baked a cake. I should have cooked roast beef. I should have made sure to at least give you a meal with good china on the table for once. But I didn’t. There wasn’t time; I wish there was more time. I thought that there was. I know these are all things you wouldn’t have cared about. All you wanted this whole time was a friend, but I felt I owed it to you. I felt I ought to give you just a little bit of normalcy, some semblance in the chaotic life that you were born into.

Everything looks dark in West London, but I know you’ll see the bright side of tomorrow.

I’ll always remember the way you charged at me when you saw me, and I’ll remember how excited you were to meet my daughter. I knew the second you held her in your arms, the second you smiled at me, that she would have a life long friend. Your smile can light up rooms, Avery. It certainly lit up the darkness in your flat when I saw it. If I saw you smile, I knew that not everything was bad in the world.

I’m going to miss those late nights we spent together, watching television, having fun, being silly and oblivious to others. Just laughing. Our memories, Avery, they’re such gold.

It’s so hard to write this. I almost didn’t, but I promised myself I would. You were owed an explanation. I only have days, Avery, and I’m sorry I couldn’t stay to explain this to you in person. I was rushing when I said goodbye, and it was a lousy goodbye, and I’m very sorry for that. I couldn’t bring myself to look you in the face. The confusion in your eyes was enough. I had to leave. I’m sorry for abandoning you. I’m sorry for leaving you with that wretched woman who couldn’t give less of a damn if you had a place to sleep at night. I’m sorry you’re going to spend your entire life feeling indebted to her because she’s your mother.

I need you to know that even though I’m not here for you now, I’ll always be there in spirit. I don’t regret or fear my death. I’m dying for something I’ve been fighting for since I was a naïve university student, not knowing the true horrors of the world. That’s the funny thing about death: you only fear it when you fear you haven’t lived. When you die knowing you’ve fought and lived for something, you no longer fear it. You accept it. I’ve accepted my fate. I just wish I had more time… but we all wish we had more time.

I wish I had the time to watch my daughter grow up. I wish I could watch you grow up and see what you’d become (something great, I’m sure). There’s so much I’m going to miss. The weight is so heavy, I don’t know that I can bear it.

I know that we’ve failed you. I’ve failed you, but somehow, deep in my heart, I know you won’t hold this against me. Don’t succumb to the darkness, Avery. It’s unbecoming of you. You can do so much better than living among the shadows. You can change things for yourself if you want, Avery. It’s all right there in your hands. All you have to do is reach for it and grab it. It’s right in front of you. Don’t be afraid.

If I could ask one favor of you… I hope that you can do this for me. Watch over Tali for me. When you receive this letter, ask where you can find her. They’ll tell you. Protect her. Make sure she knows she isn’t alone, and make sure she grows up knowing that she’s loved.

I fear the worst for my family. I don’t know how Nate will react. He’s a strong man, but death can break even the strongest man’s spine.

I’ll miss you, Avery. Thank you for letting me be your friend.

Forever your friend,
Amelia

If I hadn’t already been a mess, that letter had done it. I held it in my hands, tight, but I had to will myself not to crush it in my grasp. I almost threw it back at Avery while I sobbed. He reached over and rubbed my back.

“She’d be proud’a you, Princess,” he murmured.

“You think?” I sniffled, and he just nodded. “Thanks, Mumbles,” I whimpered as I leaned against him and took my letter back. I folded it up and tucked it back inside the journal. I went to close it, but the last page caught my eye. It was filled with scribblings, not in the same handwriting. “Oh my goodness,” I gasped quietly, flipping straight to it, and reading over it.

It was signed from Landon. I didn’t know why he would have felt the need to write in my mother’s journal, but he had. He had written, and it was addressed to his sons. I needed to show Dean this. I felt that it was right, and I wasn’t going to let this go unread by the people it was meant for. “Mumbles, hold on,” I murmured as I rose to my feet. “I’ve got something to do.”

Book clenched in my hand, I marched out of my room and toward Sam’s office, where I was sure I’d find both Cassidy brothers squabbling about something, whatever it was. I didn’t care. “Alfred!” I shouted as I passed the giant screen. “Open Sam’s office for me please!”

“Princess Tali, Sam is having a meeting,” Alfred said.

“Alfred, if I cared, I wouldn’t want to get in,” I huffed.

“Very well,” Alfred relented and opened the door just in time for me to barge in.

“T-tali,” Sam stammered, looking up from his desk. Dean was seated nearby, rubbing his brows at the sight of me.

“Blondie, what do you need?” he asked me. I didn’t answer him, at least not with what he wanted to hear, anyway.

“When I got home, you were both sleeping,” I began to read. “It’s funny. I still spoke to you, anyway. I thought that maybe if you could hear me, I would make it. I’d be able to hang on just a little longer. If you saw me, your old man, maybe things wouldn’t be so hard to accept. You may never read this, but I want you both to know that when you wake up tomorrow morning, you’ll still have your mum.” I paused to swallow. I could feel tears coming back. “And you’ll probably loathe me. Might not even remember me. Maybe you’ll a remember a little… but at best, I’ll just be some old memories in your heads.”

I heard Dean heave a sigh. “Blondie, we talked about this—“ I didn’t let him finish, just raised my voice.

“But that’s alright!” I exclaimed, continuing to speak over his protests. “We’re all just memories in the end, boys. Just matters how people remember you. Make sure they remember you for something great. I know you both will be. You hear me? You’ll be the best at whatever you choose to do. You have to be… because I’ll only ever be some daft old man, a rebel who created a magic box and ran away.”

“Blondie, that’s enough,” Dean asserted, eyes narrowing, but I raised my voice louder instead.

“Did I ever tell you about the box? I meant to,” I continued, voice loud and echoing off the silver walls. “I wanted to take you both there. Oh, the Hangar…. Amy… and that boy, he’ll dream about that thing for the rest of his life. But the times we had, eh? They don’t go away, boys. They won’t stop, ‘cause I’ll be in your dreams forever.” I paused, swallowing back the lump growing in my throat. “Landon Cassidy and his boys.”

Dean was clenching fists at his sides. Sam just stared on in silence. “Blondie,” Dean began through gritted teeth. I continued to read over him. He was going to listen whether he liked it or not.

“The sirens are loud now. It appears they’re closing in on me. This madness won’t end until I’m dead and gone… or maybe just until I’m gone. This isn’t any choice for me. I want you to know that. If you take anything from this letter, know that I never wanted to leave either of you, but I had my pick between bad and worse: turn myself in and die or go away for a long time, maybe forever. Either way, I’d leave two little boys without a father. I know it’s an awful fate to hand either of you, but I don’t have another way. I can’t stay here anymore. So I guess this is the end, boys. No time to rewind. Couldn’t do it even if I wanted to. I don’t like repeats.”

Dean stood up and approached me, tried to snatch the book away, but I pulled back and dodged him. Now on the last lines, I shouted, “Live well. Love your mum. Bye, bye, boys.” Dean was practically scowling, so I threw the book right at his chest. Eyes stung full of tears, I glowered at him. “I want you to read that,” I dared and tossed the book straight at his chest. He fumbled a little, but he caught it. “Don’t even think about saying a word to me until you do,” I concluded with a bit of a huff. I left the brothers there and didn’t look back.