Fear Itself

Dearest Nate,

If you’ve received and opened this letter, I guess it’s pretty clear that my time has come to an end. If you are reading this, I’ve crossed the great divide. It was inevitable; I had made my choice long ago, long before I met you, and long before we had our daughter… The day I met Landon and Lawrence was the day I made my choice to fight for a better world. I know you won’t see that.; I don’t expect you to. That was also something I accepted long ago, but I never minded. We were both elites, but we still came from two very different worlds. I think I liked that the most about us, Nate.

I’m writing this as you sleep just feet away. It’s hard to be quiet. I’m crying, so I apologize if there are stains on the paper when you receive this. It’s about 3 o’clock in the morning. Everything is quiet, so quiet. I can’t sleep anymore. I know I’m going to die in a few days, and I know they won’t give us the space or time for a proper goodbye. I know they’re going to judge you, watch you, and stare at you. They’re going to break the news and give us mere moments. This isn’t how it should end for us. This isn’t the way I imagined it would.

I used to imagine us together far into old age. Imagining us older always seemed funny to me, but it’s just so dismal now knowing that we’ll never get to experience it. We’ll never have a fiftieth wedding anniversary. We’ll never get to plan a birthday party for Tali. We won’t get to see her fall in love, or get on the honor roll, graduate high school, or go to university. I mean… you will.

It’s just that I always pictured us doing those things together.

I loved you the second I saw you. I didn’t want to believe it. I wasn’t even supposed to be at the party that night, but my father couldn’t make it. I went in his stead, and little did I know that it was going to flip my world upside down. When you approached me, I tried in vain to shake you off. I couldn’t possibly be connected to a board member. How could I fall in love with a board member when I was fighting against them? I felt so silly. My friends heckled me, but it didn’t change the way I felt. It didn’t change the way I melted when I thought about the way you smiled at me when you introduced yourself, how I told you I couldn’t cook in an effort to make myself less attractive, and the way you laughed and replied, “That’s okay. I cook just fine.”

Meeting you was the best thing that ever could have happened to me. You were amazing. You were perfect. You were my everything. You still are. You always will be my entire world. You and Thalia mean everything to me.

I don’t regret any of my choices, but I regret not being able to come home and see my baby girl. I regret not being able to come home and tell you that I love you one last time. I love you so much, Nate, and I always will. I know I can’t be with you anymore; the world can be cruel sometimes, that much I know. I can’t imagine how hurt you must feel… how betrayed. I know I lied to you. I know that you have every right to be angry with me, but I know you could never hate me, just as I could never hate you, even though I disagreed with everything you did for the League. I could never in a million years figure out a way to hate you.

I know you’ll miss me, but take comfort in knowing that I’m watching over you always. I’ll never truly be gone. I will always be there for you, even if just in spirit. I know it’s going to be hard, but I also know how strong you are. This happened for a reason. You may not understand it now… but you will one day.

I miss our companionship. I miss our private jokes and our random weekend adventures. I miss the way you used to stay calm while I was upset, like during bad thunderstorms and when my father passed. I will always remember our years together fondly. We had so much fun, Nate.

I want these years to go on forever. I want to say this in person. I want so badly to reach back, to touch your hand and wake up, so you could hold me, so maybe I could apologize in person. Maybe so I could warn you that my best friends have either killed themselves or left the country, and the police are coming for me next. But even while I cry and mope and sit here feeling sorry for myself, I know that you’ll be okay. Maybe not today, but tomorrow is another day.

Life will plod on. I know you won’t want it to. I know everything will look bleak, but you have the world in the palm of your hands. You have your whole future. You have Tali.

Nate, I need you to know just how important you are to me. I could not ask for a better, more loving husband. The memories we’ve shared over the last couple of years have been the best memories of my entire life, even if it seems that mine has been cut short. You gave me a life that most can only dream of. I married the perfect man. I have a beautiful daughter that amazes me more and more with every passing day. You gave me all of that. I could never ask for anything more from you.

When things look bleak, look back on all of our memories, Nate. Look at our daughter and how beautiful she is. Be strong for Tali, Nate. Remind her about me. Tell her Mommy loved her more than anything else in the world. Her birth was the best day of my life; she was the best thing that ever could have happened to me. Thalia’s smile and laughter represent everything that is good and beautiful in this world.

Tell her that Mommy is watching over her. Tell her I’ll protect her every minute of every day. Fill the house with light and space; let her be a child while she still has the time.

I love you, Nate, but never be afraid to live. Never be afraid to move on and do what you need to do to be happy. It is so important that you soldier on and try to find light in the darkness. Although it may seem impossible right now, you must believe in yourself. You must believe there is something more in the world waiting for you. Much better times are coming, darling.

You and Tali have a wonderful life waiting for you. I’m so happy to have been a part of it.

Your loving Wife,
Amelia