Bones

It’s been months, but his kiss hello feels a lot like ‘I’m too tired for this’.

He stands and stares at his wardrobe (their wardrobe) and frowns. “I have no clean clothes.”

He fleets a glance toward his suitcase, and then back at Ryan. Ryan sighs a little and rummages through the chest of drawers, tossing Brendon the pair he wore the day before he left. It took Ryan three days to find the heart to wash them.

“Thanks,” Brendon mumbles distantly, not turning around as he strips down. It loosens something in Ryan’s chest and he walks over to Brendon, hovering.

Brendon looks up at him. His eyes are heavy and Ryan wants to kiss them. “I’m really fucking tired,” he admits, letting out a dry chuckle.

I really fucking missed you.

Ryan kisses his collarbone and Brendon sighs. “Ry.”

“I wanted you so much,” he says quietly, taking Brendon’s hands in his, fitting their fingers together. I wanted you so much, but you're never here.

Brendon lets go as soon as Ryan leans in. He sits on down on the bed with his legs folded and his chin in his hands.

Ryan sits down behind him and breathes against his neck.

“I’m tired,” Brendon says again, voice uneven. “I’m fucking tired.”

Ryan tips his forehead against Brendon’s shoulder blade. He can’t level his damn breathing. “Bren.”

Brendon lifts his head. “It’s really fucking hard, okay? It’s hard being away from you. You don’t even know.”

Ryan laughs humorlessly. Of course he knows.

Ryan wraps his arms around Brendon’s middle, pulling him against his chest. “I miss you all the time.”

Brendon drops his head back against Ryan and stares at the ceiling. “I don’t know if this is always going to work.” It's an admission, and Ryan can't breathe.

He swallows the lump in his throat and moves his arms from around Brendon, dipping his fingers into the waistband of his shorts. It's a request and Brendon isn't stopping him; isn't pushing him away. He pulls at the elastic and Brendon shudders.

“Can we?” he asks shyly, and then almost laughs because he shouldn't have to ask. Not today.

“Ry—” Brendon starts.

“Please.” Please let me have you while you're still here.

Brendon leans heavily against Ryan and kicks off his boxers. He isn’t hard. Ryan wasn't expecting him to be.

He’s fine until he’s on this back with his legs around Brendon’s hips, fine even when Brendon pushes in and it hurts because they haven’t in so long (it’s been so long). But then Brendon whispers an 'I love you' and he breaks, pulls Brendon down and kisses him, kisses him through the tears and the Don’t leave me's and the I always miss you's.

Brendon rolls his hips against Ryan’s thighs, breaking the kiss to breathe. He looks down at Ryan and his voice cracks on words he can’t say.

“Love you, too,” Ryan whispers, and Brendon kisses his cheek, kisses the tears away.

“Please don’t,” he whispers back, thumbing a fresh tear away. “Don’t cry.”

Brendon leans his forehead against Ryan’s and takes him in his hand. “I wish I could always have you. I wish you were still with me.” His face crumples.

Ryan blinks up at him and shakes his head. He hopes it says The band; it was toxic. We were toxic like that. Brendon should know anyway.

Afterwards, when Ryan is lying next to Brendon and no part of them are touching and Ryan misses him even though he’s right there, he has to ask.

“When are you leaving again?”

Brendon turns to face Ryan. He doesn’t say soon. He doesn’t have to.