Wretches & Kings

Hyun Ae woke up to a rather disconcerting sound. Retching. She sat up to see Daesung with his head in the sink, dumping what was in his stomach from the night before. She grimaced and rubbed at her stiff neck, realizing she'd fallen asleep on his floor.

Daesung splashed water across his face, leaning heavily against the side of his sink. “Did I do anything stupid last night?” he asked, voice hoarser than usual.

A flicker of disappoint was quickly stomped away by thankfulness. He didn't remember what he told her the previous night... “Not that I know of,” Hyun Ae replied dismissively. “You owe Taeyang and me though...”

“Thank you,” Daesung said, looking over his shoulder at her.

Hyun Ae shrugged. “I better go...” She didn't wait for a reply as she quickly left the room.

The infirmary was practically empty, but it was the only place Hyun Ae felt like she belonged and was actually achieving something in her day. People came to her, asking for a cure to a hangover, which she dismissed rather shortly, saying it was there own fault. Seungri was one of them.

“You have to have something,” he said groggily.

“Drink water, eat something, and sleep it off,” was Hyun Ae's reply. “Its your own fault. Go away.”

“What's your problem?”

“Seungri,” Hyun Ae sighed and faced him. “I'm not in the mood. Just leave.”

Seungri pouted and shuffled away, leaving her to her business again. Hyun Ae ran a hand over her face and exhaled loudly. What was wrong with her?

She was angry and disappointed. Lost and worried. Hopeful and elated. It'd been years since she'd felt an emotion so strongly and never had she had so many conflicting ones at once. She constantly pushed the thought of Daesung away, knowing full-well it would lead to no good. It made her vulnerable; she hated being vulnerable. She'd been vulnerable for years, at the mercy of others. In BigBang, she could be a person, watch out for herself and not be begging for the mercy at someone elses feet. If she let Daesung in—which she wouldn't—she'd be vulnerable to another. And that couldn't happen.

Though common sense said such things, her heart was begging for the opposite. A feeling like the one smoldering in her chest was almost painful as it went ignored. It begged for affection, love, a specimen of positivity that would make the smolder turn into a blaze.

She couldn't though. She just couldn't do it. There was no way that the feelings that Daesung had expressed could be returned. He'd hurt her in one form or another. In some way she would be made a fool, a victim. There shouldn't be a want to be loved by another, not in the way that he said. No, she could get along with out such a connection.

Hyun Ae rubbed at her forehead as thoughts and worries and contradictions rampaged. She couldn't let herself do it. She just—she couldn't do it to herself.

“Having problems?”

Hyun Ae's fists clenched and whirled around, teeth bared. “Leave me alone, T.O.P..” Her voice was shaking. He was the last man she wished to see—besides Daesung. His presence was not intimidating anymore, it was an annoyance. T.O.P. arched an eyebrow and Hyun Ae's fists began to shake. “Leave me alone!”

“Emotional, aren't we? I thought you were one of those that kept that under control...”

Hyun Ae looked away and felt tears pricking her eyes. She rushed away, pressing the heals of her hands into her eyes. T.O.P. was right. She had to keep herself under control; there was no time for serious emotion. Everything was fine. She just had to control herself.

It was one extreme to the other. From passive to aggressive. She was imbalanced and finding the right footing was treacherous, threatening to let her drop right off the mountain.

Hyun Ae inhaled slowly, closing her eyes, focusing on remaining calm.

Why was she so distressed in the first place? Daesung probably didn't mean what he said; he'd been intoxicated. And what if he did mean what he said? It wouldn't affect Hyun Ae. She'd just ignore him.

But she didn't want to ignore him.

She didn't want to hurt him.

She wanted to return the feelings—

No, she didn't.

Hyun Ae sat in the station for what seemed like hours, mind and heart battling it out and making her skull throb and chest contract. She just wanted it all to be simple. Simple emotions. Happy, sad, mad. Simple thoughts, what was to be done today and had to be accomplished. She almost wished to be mechanical again, drugged past reason, only knowing what she had to do in action and not in feeling or thinking.

“Hyun Ae.”

The woman jerked from her slouched seat on the stool and turned, back erect and posture ready. “Yes, Daesung?”

He entered the station slowly, eyes diverted from hers. He swallowed and managed to look up into her face, but their eyes couldn't meet. “I lied,” he said. Hyun Ae gave him a curious expression. “I know what I did last night,” he clarified.

Hyun Ae's stomach dropped like a stone as she sat in silence, nails digging into the seat. “Oh.”

Daesung bit at his lip and continued, surprised by the evenness in his voice as his gaze connected with Hyun Ae's. “I'm sorry.”

“Sorry for what?” Hyun Ae wasn't sure what he meant. Was he sorry for the way he'd approached her or was he sorry for actually feeling for her?

“Making you uncomfortable, but...” he trailed off. Slowly, tentatively, he took her hand in his. “I meant what I said.”

Hyun Ae looked down at her fingers in his soft grasp. “I see...”

“You don't have to feel anything back,” he said quietly. “But I thought you should know.”

Hyun Ae's eyes traveled to his and they were shrouded by his bangs again as he studying their hands. She reached up and dusted the hairs from his eyes. Taken from hiding, his dark orbs looked at her. “Give me time,” she said quietly. “Please?”

Daesung blinked in mild surprise. “Of course.”

A small smile trailed across her lips and she stood, placing a kiss on his cheek. Her lips lingered. “Thank you,” she said.

Daesung managed a small smile in return. Hope flowered in his chest, though he tried to push it away. Hyun Ae was too reserved, emotionally detached. His doubts were stronger than his hopes.

A roar suddenly sounded in the distance, making the floor beneath them shake and dirt fall from the ceiling. The lights flickered and went out.

“What was that?” Hyun Ae asked, following after Daesung, her hand in his.

Everyone and everything seemed to have fallen silent in the gloom, white faces floating amongst a blackened background. Then, like a wave, voices rose until they made a distressed call that echoed off the walls.

“Dakeu Jeon-won!”